In sickness and in health but he's reached his limit

[AskingTooMuch]

I hope someone can help me. Apologies if this has typos etc but am tapping away on phone with DH sleeping next to me.

We've been together 10 years, 3DCs (DD1 is mine from previous relationship but we got together when she was tiny, he's her dad in every way that matters). a couple of years into our relationship I got very I'll and ended up having some intestine removed. It affected me in many ways but I made a good recovery all things considered. DD2 was born 2 years after the accident and we married when she was a baby.

Then I had DS and had a cesarean. There were complications with scar tissue from my previous issue and things got worse from there. Don't want to go into too many details as ongoing negligence claim against the hospital. DH amazing throughout and was pretty much a single dad for 18 months when I was very sick.

DS is now four and a year ago I had a colostomy. I'm 36. This has been very difficult to accept and I am still struggling. But the hardest thing is DH's reaction. He was always the driving force in the negligence claim etc and always convinced I could be 'fixed' and this has hit him so hard. He keeps saying I have been ruined.

I still love and fancy him and want us to have a full, intimate relationship. But he won't go near me or let me go near him sexually. Cuddles etc fine but if I do anything sexual he gets almost angry. He says it (the colostomy) is disgusting and he's not a freak with a fetish etc.

I have begged him to get counselling but he refuses. I have told him how devastated I am at his rejection but he says it's not his fault he finds what's happened repulsive. He says he still loves me the person but can never accept what has happened to me and the thought of touching me (near 'it'), repels him. He asked me to stop being sexual at him as it will make him leave.

I don't know what to do. I am still a sexual being even if I have a bag of my own waste (what he keeps saying), on me. But finding someone else feels impossible - anyone would be put off even if I didn't have 3 DCs and no job. And I don't want a fetishist, I want a normal family life.

I know people in my situation can and do have that but DH says their partners knew what they were signing up for and he is still with me and still loves me so what's the issue. But it's not enough for me and how can I come to terms with this if DH is so revolted by me?

You certainly are NOT asking too much. I agree that he needs counselling to come to terms with what has happened, but FFS... it hasn't happened to HIM..

You sound like you're dealing with it all amazingly well, so kudos on that front, but I'm not sure what to make of your Husbands reactions - I get that it might take a bit of getting used to, but argh.... has he not been supportive at ALL in this process?

How is he with your DS? I hope there's no resentment there..

:(

and [hugs]

Oh you poor thing. What a lot to have dealt with, and now this.

I feel so angry on your behalf.

I wonder if your husband is feeling so angry at everything that has happened, the accident, the negligence, everything, but feels helpless to change any of that so is misguidedly aiming his anger in the wrong direction? Counselling might help you both to unravel this.

He is certainly not coping, but this is no reason to be so utterly vile to you. He probably justifies to himself that he can't help how he feels, but I strongly disagree - he can and should be looking for a way to cope with this in a much healthier way. If he needs outside help then so be it.

Asking I am so sorry that you are going through this, and your DHs reaction must be devastating! His behaviour is so selfish only considering how this situation makes him feel, with no thought of you and you self confidence! I think you sound really strong, but no one can cope indefinitely with that level of intolerance. Very unhelpfully I don't know what the solution is but I only know for your self esteem you cannot allow this to continue, for someone to claim that he loves you his treatment of you is appalling . Sending you a big hug xx

Just wanted to send you my sympathy and a hug. Is there an association for ileostomy and colostomy patients? Maybe they can provide some help for partners.

I agree with everyone else that counselling could be a help, however he has to be amenable to it for it to work. Perhaps also he feels to blame in some way, for not protecting you from their negligence.

You both love each other so it's v sad to have such a wedge driven between you. You are right in saying he needs therapy, he just needs to see that for himself.

I hope you manage to work through it because you have both seen through such a lot together. Good Luck xxx

This must be a horrible situation for you ( my h stopped having sex with me for 3 years, I felt hugely rejected ).

I'm sure you've already thought about this but have you considered getting some support from The Colostomy Association or a specialist colostomy nurse ? I'm certain that they will have had experience of advising people with this kind of problem before and will have practical ideas and resources that you can access.

You've had an awful lot to deal with and having to cope with this kind of rejection must just be exacerbating your unhappiness - I hope that your dh can see this and makes some effort to address his issues , people can have reactions to medical procedures/ treatments affecting their relatives that can be difficult to understand, hopefully you can get the right support and improve things.

Good luck.

I don't really know what to say, but didn't want to leave the thread without saying something!

You poor woman!

Oh gawd, you sound so sad :( I don't know much about colostomy issues tbh, but if he loves you he should try a damn site harder to work through his issues. How is your health now?

Thankyou so much all of you. I actually have loads of support including a specialist counsellor and I attend a support group. But I haven't felt brave enough to ask if anyone else is experiencing this as most are much older or their conditions weren't as sudden.

I can understand how DH feels, that's the thing. I find the thing itself and the concept so shocking and horrible. But I know I am still me inside and I still have normal urges and needs.

I know he needs counselling if we will ever improve things but he is just so angry and when I push or get upset the anger turns on me as cause rather than victim. I know seeing me as a victim is probably just as bad but I don't have the strength to deal with much at the moment.

He keeps saying he's doing all he can re being a supportive husband and good father and he is both of those things and more besides so I can accept that or find some fetishist if I just want sex. And he's right isn't he. On some level. I can't make him fancy me or not find me disgusting and I can't force him to seek therapy. He will just leave instead and then what.

I'm not getting the fetishist thing tbh. Is that what he thinks? That having sex with someone with a medical issue is a fetishist? Because that is clearly bollocks. None of us can predict what will happen to us in our lives, and we'd all like to think/hope that our partners would love us regardless. He seems to be putting all of this on you as if you've something to be ashamed of. That is horribly unfair.

I should add he is a great practical support and great with all DCs, no resentment. But it is like he is galvinised with anger at what he has lost, at my being 'ruined'. When we lost the fight (as he sees it), and i had the colostomy it destroyed him. More so than me as I could see it was necessary. He was far more my carer before - I have some independence now - but he hates what has happened.

He thinks the only person who could ever find 'it' attractive would be a fetishist. There are men who fantasise about women with colostomies, though it's not the woman they're interested in if course just the condition, he has shorn me the websites during rows about this sometimes. When I have asked why he can't see past it to me he says he's not sick like them.

Askingtoomuch, I work as a health professional, I absolutely guarantee that your counselling/support worker will have encountered these kind of issues before. I've encountered loads of younger people with colostomies, in fact I dealt with one only last week.

I know that colostomies and other ostomies are things that a lot of people have huge problems with but yours is attached to YOU and your husband needs to stop concentrating on himself and his feelings about it and turn his attention to the way you're feeling and make steps to work at your relationship.

It is not disgusting and not a fetish - you are the woman he loves and has found attractive and needs to support.

The fact that he is struggling with it sexually is one thing: very sad for both of you. But finding these website and then showing them to you sounds quite disturbed.

He sounds very disturbed and in more need of counselling than you in all honesty very sad all round.

Can't you get support for him, I know he is the unreasonable one here, but he does not sound all that well himself.

he won't accept any help/counselling/anything. I can't physically make him go and if I issue ultimatums he will just leave.

In the long run wouldn't it be better all round if he did?

You can't live like this, you can't it will destroy you as a person from the inside out.

I know it's going to be daunting for you, but it will detroy your spirit to be treated like this. I dare say eventually you will meet a man who is not a fetishist and will love you for who you are. Even if you choose not to, wouldn't it be better to be single than face this horrible torture every day.

I think you need to start to be the one issuing ultimatums, he gets help for his feelings and starts treating you as a human being and his wife or he leaves.

I'm not well enough to cope on my own with the DCs yet. DH was away for 2 weeks a few months ago and DD1 ended up being my carer pretty much. I am sure I 'should' prefer to be single but I don't. I have thought about a sexless marriage but that is such a horrible thought. But maybe we could find that elsewhere? If I could find anyone.

If you are happy to have an open marriage, that is something you need to discuss with him.

It may work, may not you leave yourself open to many other options though, such as jealousy from both sides, pain and the possibility he or you run off with the other sexual partners.

It's something you need to talk to him about really.

I wouldn't say 'happy'. But I can't live forever with the man I love refusing to touch me because I disgust him. I'd go mad.

Sorry I have never actually seen a colostomy bag, but is it at all possible to position it so that it will not be visible during sex? Wear a waxy negligée or a corset over it?

sorry no real advice but want you to know i have read and am thinking of you and one thought i did have, (know someone who had a colostomy) was that they had a 'plug' thingy that they could put in, they could take the bag off, for a few hours? and have this plug in instead so nothing could come out, would that help in anyway? tho i assume you probably know all this stuff? at least then there wouldnt be a bag to be offputting?

but tbh i really think he needs counselling, i can understand it being hard for your dh, but this is an issue that wont just go away.

much love xx

Oh I am appalled at this. Completely and utterly appalled.

This is a hard thing to get over and I really feel for you that you have had to overcome something like this at such an early age.

My Dad had a full colostomy in his forties (he had a massive tumour and it turned out to be the only option to remove the cancer). I don't know what caused you to have to have the colostomy but I guess it may be easier to come to terms with if it is literally a life and death thing.

I know that it was very difficult for my Dad and my Mum at the time but they did have some wonderful support from specialist nurses. Now I wouldn't know if this went to counselling on sexual issues - it's not something they would have discussed but I know it did help in a general sense to get over and understand what had happened and living with it.

My dad went back to a very public role and after a short period of being low about what had happened decided to take what I can only describe as a 'f**k em' attitude to the whole thing.

He told me once about getting dressed at the gym and somebody just being unable to take their eyes off it and he just looked them in the eye and explainned what it was and how it had saved his life.

I can see how it would be difficult to come to terms with for both of you (but quite frankly massively more so for you).

I bet you are beautiful and the scars/differneces that we have on our bodies (of whatever nature) tell the stories of our lives. You have overcome something really big which sadly doesn't seem to ever get discussed in terms of the massive impact on body image etc. You are a strong and amazing woman and he needs to see that. I think that perhaps you both need a little help together from a specialist counsellor. Please do not shy away from asking for this help from your GP - they should be more than willing to help. If you get the knock back first time, keep on trying.

Warmest of wishes to you to get through this. Your story has really struck a chord.