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Original poster

Do you have to be physically attracted to someone from the start??

44 replies

DishPom · 06/11/2010 22:44

That's it really.

As a bit of background, I was in a very long term relationship of 15 years+, married for 7 of those, and have two gorgeous young children. My ex smashed our whole world appart when he had an affair with a girl he met at work and walked out on us with literally a few days notice.

I loved him and I tried so hard to make our marriage work, even after the affair. I'd been so happy with him and I loved him so much. But eventually I came to realise that it takes two people to make a marriage work and if the other person doesn't feel the same then there really is no point...
Divorcing him was the worst time of my life.

Fast forward to now. I'm divorced but probably still licking my wounds slightly. Feeling very cautious. But definitely ready to start dating again and think about moving on.

In a nutshell I have met this really lovely guy. He is everything my ex was not. He is kind and caring and considerate. He likes the same things as me (films, music etc). He seems like a genuinely lovely guy and that is so refreshing.
I know that on the one hand he could be so great for me and we could have a lovely time together. But on the other hand, there is just no 'spark'.

Does this matter?!

I think he's attractive. But I don't think wow I just want to jump into bed with you right now! So when he suggests going back to his, I find myself not feeling ready to, because I'm not feeling the same way as him.

It's almost as though on the surface he is everything I want/need/deserve maybe?? But the connection and spark just isn't there.

Too soon perhaps?
Or just the wrong person and I am trying to make all of these great qualities cover up for a feeling that just isn't really there yet?

I really need some realistic advice from people who are impartial. Well meaning family and friends just say don't be so daft, just go for it! But I'm not willing to mess with someone else's feelings (which are very clear) when I'm so unsure of my own.

Do I give it time?
Or walk away now before one of us gets hurt?

OP posts:
TrappedinSuburbia · 06/11/2010 22:52

Don't know the answer, but sometimes you don't feel it till you've done it, iyswim. Especially if you've just been with the one person for so long. Personally, i'd give it (him) a bash...........!

DingbatDelilah · 06/11/2010 22:59

DH and I were best friends before we got together. I had feelings for his best friend for ages Blush. Discovering we felt 'that' way about each other was a real shock to both of us - I'd stayed over at his, fallen asleep together watching a film and then during the night.... things happened! I say give it a go. He sounds fantastic, you think he's attractive. You don't have to jump straight into bed, explain to him that you want to take all aspects of the relationship slowly - if he's the guy you think he is he will be happy to go at the same pace as you. Give it time and remember you deserve to be happy Smile

DeborahDeborah · 06/11/2010 23:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
DishPom · 06/11/2010 23:04

Grin TrappedinSuburbia - I was thinking that too. But then it seems a bit odd if I don't have that urge to go to bed with him. I'd probably get the female version of not being able to 'get it up', whatever that is Grin

Thanks DingbatDelilah - I've spoken to him about it this week and he just said he's happy to take it at my pace. But then I just end up feeling guilty thinking that this lovely bloke just wants what, should, be coming naturally, and all I can think is that yes he's lovely, but that's about it...

I'm probably over thinking it aren't I. Maybe time is what it needs...

OP posts:
Original poster
DishPom · 06/11/2010 23:07

Deborah that's exactly what's worrying me. Even before my ex and I got together (which was admittedly very young) I just knew I really fancied him.

Other brief flings I've had and a one night stand Blush also came about as the result of a physical attraction.

I worry about the importance of the fact that that's missing, even though in every other way he seems perfect Sad

OP posts:
TrappedinSuburbia · 06/11/2010 23:08

No, not time, a couple of glasses of wine Grin, go girl!

booyhoo · 06/11/2010 23:10

i do.

TrappedinSuburbia · 06/11/2010 23:10

You probably don't have the 'urge' because your to busy being terrified because he's so perfect, give it a bash, it will either be wonderful (well however good first time sex can be!) or you'll know its just not meant to be.
Obviously this means a great deal to you or you wouldn't be getting in such a tizz about it.

Original poster
DishPom · 06/11/2010 23:17

Yep it does mean a great deal to me. I've had a year or so of just the odd few dates or meeting someone I thought was gorgeous to quickly find out he was married/an idiot etc... He's the first person I've thought could be really good for me and be more than just a few dates.

Like booyhoo says though, maybe I need to work out if this is a dealbreaker for me or not.

I like the wine idea, am seeing him tomorrow I may just try that Grin

OP posts:
atswimtwolengths · 06/11/2010 23:19

I think you need to feel safe with him. Your ex betrayed you; it takes a long time to recover from that.

Build up your relationship, get to know more about him, really understand he's not going to hurt you, and then you will find you want to make love with him because he's him, not just because both of you want sex.

A few drinks won't hurt, either, though don't go down that route if it makes you maudlin.

booyhoo · 06/11/2010 23:21

OP, when i separated from teh boys dad (the first time) the first decent man that happened to be around expressed an interest in me via my sister (he was her best friend) i had known him for a few years and wasn't the slightest bit interested until i had heard this. i was on teh rebound and it was teh first interest i had been shown. he was a lovely guy so i gave it a go. i knew i didn't fancy him, but thought it would come. it didn't. we were together 4 months and had sex 4 times. it came to the point were i didn't want him touching me or anything. that's why for me, it has to be instant.

BertieBotts · 06/11/2010 23:27

Maybe it's just too soon? I would keep seeing him, maybe just as a friend though. It's hard to say Grin I recently got together with someone who was (up until now!) a friend, and it was odd because I had never been attracted to him in that way. I knew he liked me but I wasn't sure whether I liked him or not, so we kept it on a friend basis for a bit, but once he relaxed and stopped trying to impress me, he suddenly became very attractive Grin TBH I still didn't get an urge to rip his clothes off though! He was very much happy to go at my pace as well and that made me feel really safe. It was really nice in a way just to be able to be with him and just kiss etc and know there was no pressure for anything more.

(PS I definitely get urges to rip his clothes off now Grin I honestly could not tell you when this developed, it was a surprise I must say, but a lovely one!)

Original poster
DishPom · 06/11/2010 23:29

thanks guys, booyhoo that's the sort of advice I think I'm looking for - people who have learnt from experience. I have found myself backing off a bit already when he touches me and it really worries me.

But like you say atswimtwolengths, maybe I just need to build up the trust and see how I feel. I do still feel very wary. A one night stand or a few passionate nights of sex with a lovely looking bloke who you know will never stick around, well, they're easy I suppose. They don't involve any emotion!

OP posts:
Original poster
DishPom · 06/11/2010 23:33

BertieBotts that's great Grin

I would love to be able to do that and just get to know him as a friend first. I think that is fantastic. It's made me realise that I feel a lot of pressure already that I'm not ready to deal with. E.g. 'can I call you my girlfriend' or 'I can't wait to introduce you to xyz' - talk like that is what's making me back off even more!

OP posts:
CheerfulV · 06/11/2010 23:37

To be honest, it sounds like you like him from a logical standpoint, because he's nothing like your ex and you think he would be right for you. But the chemistry just isn't there. If you're still hurting a bit from your divorce, it could still be influencing your choice of man quite a lot, making you go for someone who seems a 'safe bet', even if there's no spark?
Just a thought.

And yes, I have done this and no it didn't work. Because I wasn't in the right place mentally to pick a winner, really.
I hope it resolves itself positively, whatever happens. :)

Original poster
DishPom · 06/11/2010 23:42

Thanks CheerfulV. I've just read your post about 10 times. I think you are spot on.

OP posts:
booyhoo · 06/11/2010 23:46

agree about the 'safe bet'.

afetr my 'safe bet' i bounced from bad boy to safe boy a few times before deciding to stay single, at which point of course EXp sauntered on back onto the scene and i fell for him all over again

you need to be in the right place for a new relationship rather than needing someone who isn't what you had.

Original poster
DishPom · 06/11/2010 23:48

Yes I think you're definitely right. Maybe I'm actually still not in the right place for this yet. That could be my answer.

OP posts:
Original poster
DishPom · 06/11/2010 23:50

p.s. not a stupid bitch at all, we've all done it. I fell for it one too many times too!

OP posts:
booyhoo · 06/11/2010 23:50

fwiw, i finally gave EXp the boot in august and i am more than happy to stay single for a long time. i feel liek i need to learn who i am. it sounds like a cliche but it's a cliche for a reason.

Irishchic · 06/11/2010 23:56

Have you kissed him yet, and if so how did that feel?

If not, why not just start with kissing/snogging and see how that feels and take it from there, .. or not, as case may be.

Original poster
DishPom · 06/11/2010 23:58

Yes I know what you mean. Spending so long in the wrong relationship makes you lose yourself completely. Glad you're feeling like that, I felt that way for a good while too.

I'm thinking I might go back to that way of thinking too, as this relationship lark is waaaay too complicated and exhausting!! Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
DishPom · 06/11/2010 23:59

Nikita I have kissed him a couple of times.
It was 'nice' really. Felt a little bit like he was kissing me though and I was just kinda responding. I'm always the one to pull away first. It was nice, but it didn't really make me want more. And good kissing usually does...

OP posts:
Irishchic · 07/11/2010 00:01

Hmm...that doesnt sound too promising I'll admit...

DollyTwat · 07/11/2010 00:01

Maybe just keep him as a friend? I know that I've mistaken real friendship for something else since I've been single.

Someone at work really likes me. On paper he would be the perfect man. He makes me laugh. I make him laugh more. He's kind. Would do anything fir me. But there is no spark. None at all.

Which is why we are still really good friends. I think I would be very unfair to go out with him because he wouldn't know I was 'settling'.

I think you Know whether you're sexually attracted to someone.