Do you have to be physically attracted to someone from the start??

[DishPom]

That's it really.

As a bit of background, I was in a very long term relationship of 15 years+, married for 7 of those, and have two gorgeous young children. My ex smashed our whole world appart when he had an affair with a girl he met at work and walked out on us with literally a few days notice.

I loved him and I tried so hard to make our marriage work, even after the affair. I'd been so happy with him and I loved him so much. But eventually I came to realise that it takes two people to make a marriage work and if the other person doesn't feel the same then there really is no point...
Divorcing him was the worst time of my life.

Fast forward to now. I'm divorced but probably still licking my wounds slightly. Feeling very cautious. But definitely ready to start dating again and think about moving on.

In a nutshell I have met this really lovely guy. He is everything my ex was not. He is kind and caring and considerate. He likes the same things as me (films, music etc). He seems like a genuinely lovely guy and that is so refreshing.
I know that on the one hand he could be so great for me and we could have a lovely time together. But on the other hand, there is just no 'spark'.

Does this matter?!

I think he's attractive. But I don't think wow I just want to jump into bed with you right now! So when he suggests going back to his, I find myself not feeling ready to, because I'm not feeling the same way as him.

It's almost as though on the surface he is everything I want/need/deserve maybe?? But the connection and spark just isn't there.

Too soon perhaps?
Or just the wrong person and I am trying to make all of these great qualities cover up for a feeling that just isn't really there yet?

I really need some realistic advice from people who are impartial. Well meaning family and friends just say don't be so daft, just go for it! But I'm not willing to mess with someone else's feelings (which are very clear) when I'm so unsure of my own.

Do I give it time?
Or walk away now before one of us gets hurt?

I agree that it really doesn't sound like you are ready for a relationship yet. And he's probably also not your type. Talk to him! If he's that nice then he'll understand and while he may be disappointed he'd probably be happier that you were honest as the thought that you were just going along with it in order not to upset him would horrify him. :)

Also, look at it this way - if you have met and attracted someone this nice now then I'm sure you will in the future - and hopefully you will fancy them back too

It depends. Is there anything at the moment which actually repulses you because if that's the case it will never work.

However my DP with whom I've been for the past 12 years (known for 27) was not someone I was attracted to when we first met. I thought he was 'nice', 'fun', 'kind' but there was no spark. he just sort of grew on me. However there was nothing which actually would really put me off him. I think if there is there is no chance.

It sounds to me, from everything you've said that you definitely aren't ready for a relationship. I think you should tell him, remain friends and maybe once the pressure is off your feelings might change, or not, whichever, if you are friends no-one gets hurt and you still have a great friend.
I do disagree with there having to be a spark straight away. DH and I have been married for 10yrs, have two children and he can still make me weak at the knees but I really did not fancy him one bit when I first met him. Good luck, whatever you decide.

My personal opinion is that physical attraction and chemistry are vital to a good relationship. They are its life force. Without those things you are just friends.

If you don't want to have sex with this man now OP, when you should be feeling in the first flush of infatuation, then imagine how you are going to feel in six years time.

My advice would be to never settle for feelings that are essentially platonic, unless you are content to eventually live in a companionable but sexless partnership/marriage.

You are just not that into him, are you, so I don't think it's fair to pursue a relationship.

I don't agree that if it isn't all fireworks at the start, the relationship is doomed. I didn't fancy my DH at all when I first met him. It was a slow burner. Didn't sleep with him for six months, as I just wasn't sure if I wanted to take ti beyond friendship. But when we did finally get down to it, it was lovely , and all those excitable, butterflies-in-tummy feelings grew and grew over time.

Ten years and two kids later I fancy the pants off him and he is my best friend. Result.

Why don't you see how it goes? You're not long divorced, so take it slowly and be honest with the guy about needing to approach things with caution.

2 of my most important relationships were with guys I didn't fancy at first. I grew to facy them as I got to know them nd fell in love. I advise you to take it slowly and give yourself time...

I married the guy who seemed lovely, even though I didn't fancy him hugely. Everything was good enough.

Fast forward five years, and it was nowhere near good enough and we were both unhappy. Now 14 years since we got married, and we've been separated two years and are getting divorced.

You can never know how things will turn out though, so stop trying to see into the future. My gut instinct though is if you don't even want to kiss him, don't pursue a relationship with him.

I think you have to have chemistry, that might be instantly evident or take you by surprise later on.
I was with my DH for almost 17 years until he died.
I never ever thought I would fancy anyone else, I was encouraged to go on a date with a guy just for lunch, so I went and we got on amazingly well, I remember looking at him and thinking he's not bad, he will make a good friend.
We sat chatting for so long that we forgot to order lunch so we went out for a curry instead, there were no awkward silences or any difficult bits, our date went on for 12 1/2 hours!
As he was leaving he moved forward to kiss me and it was amazing, had to sit down as we both had wobbly legs.
I didn't feel the chemistry until the kiss, what if we hadn't kissed?
We are engaged now and the chemistry is fantastically amazing, communication and chemistry are IMHO essential for a relationship to work long term.

Maybe it's just a bit too soon, and you're still in self-protection mode, just in case. You might feel better keeping him as a friend rather than forcing something, it not working out and losing a friend.

I think it depends on you. I never bothered going out on a date with a man unless he "went to my legs". I didn't see the point. Maybe I'm shallow, but I think you need some chemistry.

You could be happy together, but there may always be that 'something's missing' feeling and eventually feel 'short changed' long term - that's my experience anyway!

There is a phrase my friend uses, and it is possible you might not want to remember this phrase

"If he don't make your minge twinge........"

As you were

tbh i think you just dont fancy him , if you did when he kissed you you would want more no matter how cautious you feel about a relationship.

i went out with someone i didnt truly fancy for a while and realised if its not there in the beginging its not going to be.

never fancied him...knew him for 15 years, but when he kissed me I got all soggy in the pants department (sorry if TMI!) And it still happens...

now dh...never happened but lovely chap. However, I am a big stupid romantic...I like all that chemistry stuff. Not everyone is the same tho...

My next guy will be chemistry 101 or I will be an old spinster with cats....not prepared to have a friend that I occasionally shag because I feel I have to. Each to their own, but I think chemistry is nature's way of saying you should get together. You either snog and melt or you snog and think "hmmm ... he has a spot on his face! I dunno...but I seriously think the chemical fizz is a way of saying "get together".

In summary...I would say...no sparkle and ho hum. Who needs ho hum at the beginning? just imagine what's gonna happen down the line. Keep him as a cool friend x

Just wanted to come back and thank you all for the great advice.

jacksmomma I think it boiled down to what you said. I just don't think I fancy him.

All those who said it's probably too soon as well, I think there is definitely an element of that.

But what hit me most was the advice not to string him along and best to be honest and have a friend, than settle for someone who's 'perfect' on paper but just doesn't do it for me.

It's been a difficult one! Part of me just wanted this lovely, nice, dependable, stable and loving guy. The security maybe. But deep down I think like DollyTwat said, I would have been settling, and like MakeYerOwnDamnDinner said, settling for feelings that are essentially platonic now - how does that leave things for the future??

I really felt like something was missing with not having any sort of spark or chemistry. I felt like there was something so fundamental that was missing and I was trying to work out if that mattered or not. (In the past, the chemistry was amazing, but the guy just wasn't!!) I've decided it does matter. I may end up alone and lonely, but I'm still hoping that there will be someone out there who is just as lovely, and whom I also fancy!!

I feel quite sad but also I hope I can get a friend out of this. If not, at least I have been honest with myself, as well as him.

Just wanted to thank you all for the excellent advice. It really did help.

BertieBotts - I hope so!

p.s. LadyBlaBlah -

Hmm...I think it depends on how you're wired.

I didn't find DP that attractive physically when we met, but there was a MASSIVE mental/emotional connection so I decided (as it were) to suck it and see. 2 years down the line we're still together, and it's the best sex I've ever had. So in response to the general question, I don't think it has to be 'instant' physical chemistry.

In your particular case though I think the other posters have made good points about how as you're still healing a broken heart there might be more to this than just whether you fancy him or not. My guess is that if you're not ready to give your heart to anyone yet, there won't be a 'spark' with anyone, however lovely.

(And if you're anything like me, while recovering from a broken heart you'll only feel a 'spark' with someone either unsuitable or unavailable. )