Am I unreasonable or is he a selfish b*stard? your opinions please.

[SprogsSprogsSprogs]

I have just started a new contraceptive pill and sometimes go a bit nuts when I'm on them, so please give me your opinions on the my relationship with DP (we have 2 kids and both work FT).

We do have arguments about things generally and a couple of underlying issues - both of us right and wrong - I KNOW that. Also, he (like most men) will rarely talk about anything. In the past if I am serious about something I usually have to actually issue him with an ultimatum before he will actually do anything about whatever it is that's making me unhappy.

However I'm unsure about today's argument -

Issue 1 - He is responsible for buying the food for the household (and usually does ok, needs reminding at times). We have run out of breakfast stuff so I have been asking him for 3 days to get some in. He keeps saying "I will get it tomorrow" blah blah. He has been getting his breakfast at work, but today I had to have dry toast cause nothing to put on it. so this time I had a go at him and said "Don't you care that I have no food when it's your responsibility to buy it?" He said "If it's that important go and do it yourself then". He has been off all day but still hasn't done it. I know it seems trivial but to me it feels that he doesn't give a shit about whether I eat or not and his agreement to buy all the food.

Issue 2 - Today he took me out to see our local football team and paid for me to get in and for hotdog and tea etc , which was nice . However the cynical side of me thinks he just took me so I wouldn't get angry at him for not spending time with me.
After the match I asked him to drive me to my work to drop something off which I'd told my colleague I'd bring today. He drives and has car and I don't. It was pouring with rain and he refused to go 10 mins out of his way to give me a lift. He said "Just go tomorrow or get the bus" I was that he doesn't seem to have any consideration of me (his partner's) feelings at all and lacks the kindness to take 10 mins out of his day. I would have happily done it for him.

I walked away angry and he continued our previous plan of going to the pub. He text me about half an hour later saying "You are really unreasonable, it's not my obligation to drive you places, we could have had a nice night had you not been so unreasonable"

Opinions please???

I'm absolutely livid about his disregard of me and seriously considering splitting up over this (well more because of the long-standing issue of nothing ever being resolved because he has to be browbeaten into changing his behaviour and never does it willingly) , but then that could be the hormones talking?

ps - kids at mother-in-laws this weekend.

issue 1) if he didn't want to do teh shopping he should have said, " I'm not getting any shoppimg this week so if you need anything you'll have to go yourself."

issue 2) he sounds like a selfish, and more scarily, a controlling twat.

what is it about him that you like? he doesn't seem to like you very much.

I think yabu. Sorry. It's not set in stone that he has to buy breakfast stuff surely. If you know you're short of something why would you wait for him to buy it?

oh dear this sounds more like a house-share than a life-partnership, doesn't sound like there's much give and take going on...

just seen you have dcs together. he should have made sure there was food in. it isn't on to leave the house with no food out of sheer laziness. does he consiedr the car just his? i presuem you are a family and it is teh family car?

apologies for spelling.

booyhoo That's my usual tactic - just letting everything rum out in the cupboards but buying me and DC's stuff until he doesn't have anything left then he will do it. In fairness, he does usually get things needed on his own or if I ask him. This has been the first time he has actually not done it despite 4 days of me reminding him.

I agree that it sounds controlling almost like he is saying "shut up and we will have a nice time, keep 'moaning and we won't'". He's not controlling in regards to where I go or what I wear etc but he will do his damndest to get me to stop 'moaning'.

It's NO excuse at all for his behaviour, which I think is unacceptable, but I can see his mother is incredibly over-the-top and dramatic and does go over the top with him and does things like making docs appointments for him without asking and forcing him to attend (a 32 y.o man!) so I think when a woman gets annoyed he just sees it like his mum and runs away or gets defensive. But not condoning it.

Rainbow It was agreed by both of us that he would buy all the food for the house since he is rubbish at paying bills on time so he buys all food , nappies,cleaning stuff, household repairs, car etc and I pay the rent / ctax and utilities. I earn a fair bit more than him so therefore it's like a 70/30 split. I KNOW he earns more than enough to comfortably afford these so feel he should be upholding his side since I do mine. But I do see your point and think I was being a bit stubborn on the first point.

Think (for me) I have hit a crossroads in our relationship and unsure of what to do. He does have his good points and likeable traits - funny, affectionate, loyal and doesn't so much as look at other woman, will most of the time do something for me if I ask him etc, but his refusal to consider my feelings and running away from any conflict at all really annoys me because if I feel strongly about something I have to go to extreme lengths to get him to see it - which is wearing for me.

booyhoo I can't drive so it is in his name, he pays for it etc. He drives for a living, it;s his company car. He will if I ask him take time out from work to give me a lift places most of the time. Usually I get public transport if he is working and ask him to drive us if he is not (like today) . I think today he thought "It's my day off and it';s not totally essential so I won't do it"

i think it is controlling in a sense of, he knows you are dependant on him for lifts but if he doesn't feel liek doing it he knows all he has to do is sit there and he gets to call you a moan for challenging it.

This is a hard one to call. What is your DP like generally? Does he do his fair share in terms of housework and childcare?

If he generally is a good partner then the issue about the breakfast stuff might seem to him to be totally petty and he may have not bought it as a sort of protest (childish but understandable to an extent). However, if the breakfast stuff is another thing in a long line of things that he won't do then I don't blame you for getting annoyed.

As far as the driving thing goes I can also see where he potentially has a point. It was quite mean of him to say no, but is he sick of driving you around? My DH is currently learning to drive (thank god) but for years I was the sole driver. I used to give him lifts all the time but eventually I just snapped. It struck me as very unfair that I had to do all the driving and he got the benefit of a chauffeur when he refused to learn to drive himself. I put my foot down and said if he wasn't going to learn to drive then he would get a lift only if it wasn't inconvenient to me. Now I did have an ulterior motive as we were planning to have kids and I definitely didn't want to be the only one ferrying them around the place all the time. However, I did approach it in a kind way and explained my point of view to him, rather than just giving him a flat "no".

Breaking up is a big decision especially if you have kids. If you're considering such a serious move there must be more going on than these two issues. Is there?

My DH can't drive and I won't go 10 mins out of my way to drive him somewhere unless I'm feeling particularly generous that day. I want him to learn because he is being a bit of an arse by refusing to. In the meantime I feel that as he refuses to drive all the time I can refuse to drive whenever I choose to.

Make it harder for him to fail. Get a standard shopping cart on an online supermarket set up. All he has to do is log in and pay and food arrives. Then you can give him shit about it because he had to sit on his arse and click buttons and someone else does the legwork.

Second the driving thing. I do all the driving in our house - not that DH can't drive but he prefers wine to driving! And I would always give him a lift if it saved him not being able to get anywhere.

Second what someone else said about it being a houseshare not a relationship. :(

WriterofDreams He is generally ok and nice , except when challenged , which is the major problem for me making me consider ending this. This is the main "other issue" for me. I feel he takes me for granted and doesn't have as much goodwill for me as I do for him. For example I buy him little gifts all the time (silly things I see), i offer him a massage if he is tired. He doesn't do the same for me. He does make me tea etc and cuddle me though?

He did do ALL the childcare and housework when he was the stay at home parent after being made redundant. Now we both work full time, although he works longer hours and now rarely does any housework, which is quite annoying but not major to me as I know he would pick up the slack like he did before he got back into work. If I have somewhere to go and tell him in advance he will watch the kids whilst I go out, but if I spring it on him last minute he will be annoyed. I finish every night at 6 and he has varied hours, usually until at least 8pm.

The thing about the car thing though - I don't actually ask him to give me a lift unless it is raining, I have kids at a time where public transport is too packed for buggy, or a place really inconvienent to get to on public transport. Today it was raining, he was off work so not having to take time out of deliveries etc.

Whomovedmychocolate He wouldn't do it online though I don't think - I would just be nagging him to do it online then ! I have thought about asking him for the money, leaving the baby with him unexpectedly and just doing it myself but feel I have enough on my plate with all the housework etc most nights of the week.

I don't quite know what people are meaning by "houseshare" ? I thought if we still cuddle and go out places it wasn't a houseshare but maybe am wrong

I have told him recently I don't know where this is going and I don't know if I can live with him because of his blatant disregard of my feelings, but unsure as sometimes I can be unreasonable , I know I can.

Why didn't you both go and do a supermarket shop? I do think he was unfair not getting food in, but I would have suggested you both went to do it.

As for the lift, that is very mean spirited. You were in the car anyway! Surely the car is for family use, not just for work, given that he was driving it on his day off?

When the kindness goes from a relationship, I wouldn't want to be there, to be honest.

Hmmm what do you mean by "challenged" Sprogs? I know I might be reading far too much into what you're saying but it seems to me that he does certain things that annoy you, you confront him (possibly in a slightly aggressive way?) and he quite understandably gets defensive. He sounds like a nice guy from the little you have said about him. We're all human and we all make mistakes, maybe you should cut him some slack?

What improvements would you like to see in the relationship? What I mean is, you feel at the moment that he disregards your feelings, so how could he change that, what would he need to do?

atswimtwolengths He doesn't like going to supermarkets so won't usually go on his day off unless for a few items. I did suggest we both went to the supermarket behind the football pitch to get stuff but he said "hmm maybe" and ignored it when he got out.
Yeah it is for family use

That is exactly what I feel - the kindness has gone on his side. Me, I will still go places I don't particularly enjoy (old man's pubs, camping, football) just to spend time with him , but if I suggest something he doesn't particularly like he won;t go to spend time with me

WriterofDreams I do confront him aggressively I will admit that. I'm jusr resentful he doesn't place as much importance on the relationship and family as I do. He would need to demonstrate to me he will go out of his way for me and do something out of kindness for me. Just now he only does things convienient for him (makes me tea when HE is making it anyway, or dinner, or invites me out only places HE wants to go). He would have to listen to my concerns and not change the subject or walk away or accuse me of 'going on' him or having a 'persecution complex' (he says I have).

YABU
Learn to drive / ride a bike to local shops where I hear they sell marg, bread, milk and the like.

He has responsibility for doing main food shop, it's seems a bit childish to refuse to buy butter for toast for that reason alone.

You obviously are pissed off with him not meeting your emotional needs, which is probably nothing at all to do with shopping, butter, football, pubs or driving.

Ask yourself these questions
1 - what emotional needs do i have in this relationship
2 - does he meet my emotional needs
3 - should he be meeting my needs - for instance if a need was 'to make me feel good about my body' that need is not his responsibility - confidence should come from within and not rely on the opinion of someone else
4 - if he should be meeting those needs - is he able to, does he see the need / requirement
5 - what needs of his do you meet / fulfil? Do you, should you, can you?

I must admit I feel you think that you need taking care of by him - I don't really think this is healthy.

It slightly concerns me that you think him paying for yor tea and hotdog is something special ...like he has seperate money....when in a partnership with kids it should really be shared funds. I do agree with the person who think you could have got some food in yourself...three days is a long time t be stubborn for.

Thanks Nemofish -

I agree the underlying issue is that I don't feel he puts as much into the relationship as I do. And he doesn't listen to me.

1. I need someone to confide in, to talk through any problems with, to be there for me when things get tough (ie if admitted to hospital or something), to give me affection and cuddle me etc, to have interesting conversations with and go share things and places together

2. I don't feel he really listens if I'm upset about something, he would be there for me if something serious happened though (thank god), he does give affection, and will go places with me but only if it's somewhere he wants to go.

3. Yes I think he should be meeting these needs.

4. He does see my need for affection, but not my need to be listened to.

5. sometimes I am a bit ignorant of his needs tbh - when his friend was in hospital recently I didn't offer as much support as I felt I should have, as I was feeling bitter and resentful. Actually, I think I feel bitter and resentful a lot of the time as he doesn't seem to care much for me except in a serious situation, and he is unpleasant at times (shouts at TV if drunk, selfish and obnoxious).

Maybe I just don't like him very much and see him as irresponsible and loud - that was a shock to actually say! I like him sometimes but not more than maybe 35% of the time. eek.

i just read what you said abot asking hm for the money for the shopping...and am I right in thinking he pays for that as part f his contribution to the house? If so, then youboth need to work out a household budget which you both ontribute to...for bills and food and transport and clothes for you all...and then what is left is split for personal cash.

That way...the shopping money is there for whoever has time to go...I dont drive but I do the shopping...I get the bus. Do you have totally sperate bank acounts?

I don't need him to take care of me at all. I'm financially secure without him and often imagine living on my own with DC's.

I do love him but wonder whether the resentment is taking over that.

MumblingClothDoll We have never done shared funds in 6 years - I wouldn't want it tbh. We have supported each other financially at certain times of redundancy etc, but I feel he did not support me enough financially through pregnancy as he took on a post-grad which left him 6k in debt at a time when we needed the money (again old issues about selfishness comin to the fore again)

And yes, totally separate bank accounts, always have.

If you don't like him more than 35% of the time then I think it is worth trying relate or ending the relationship.

No, no, DON'T share your money with him!

Sorry, just seen you've said you wouldn't. I'd be putting aside whatever I could now, either to buy a car or to feel you have an option re leaving.

I have asked him about counselling and he refuses to go. Actually he did once agree to go but went back on it after things calmed down a bit and wouldn't go.

We had been together for 2 years when cracks started appearing in the relationship. The pregnancy with our second DC and the first 9 months of DC2's life we fought constantly, really bad fights and after that I think we have detached from each other and disillusioned. DC is 15 months now, so 6 months on from all the extreme arguing and although we are still affectionate and things have calmed down, we don't trust each other with our hearts because of the nasty things thrown about in arguments. I certainly don't trust him with my feelings.

If I threaten to end the relationship I don't know what he would do -he may be relieved, he may beg and plead but I don't think any changes will be made long-term (only actually done this twice - once when he didn;t turn up to a scan when I was pregnant with DC2 and once when he decided to do the post-grad without thinking about our finances or how he would be there when the new baby arrived).

I keep thinking I need to think about what I want - I'm not happy like this and not getting any younger. Don't think he is happy either but he seems to be able to separate things and still go out and have a good time whereas I get bogged down with it all.