Am I unreasonable or is he a selfish b*stard? your opinions please.

[SprogsSprogsSprogs]

I have just started a new contraceptive pill and sometimes go a bit nuts when I'm on them, so please give me your opinions on the my relationship with DP (we have 2 kids and both work FT).

We do have arguments about things generally and a couple of underlying issues - both of us right and wrong - I KNOW that. Also, he (like most men) will rarely talk about anything. In the past if I am serious about something I usually have to actually issue him with an ultimatum before he will actually do anything about whatever it is that's making me unhappy.

However I'm unsure about today's argument -

Issue 1 - He is responsible for buying the food for the household (and usually does ok, needs reminding at times). We have run out of breakfast stuff so I have been asking him for 3 days to get some in. He keeps saying "I will get it tomorrow" blah blah. He has been getting his breakfast at work, but today I had to have dry toast cause nothing to put on it. so this time I had a go at him and said "Don't you care that I have no food when it's your responsibility to buy it?" He said "If it's that important go and do it yourself then". He has been off all day but still hasn't done it. I know it seems trivial but to me it feels that he doesn't give a shit about whether I eat or not and his agreement to buy all the food.

Issue 2 - Today he took me out to see our local football team and paid for me to get in and for hotdog and tea etc , which was nice . However the cynical side of me thinks he just took me so I wouldn't get angry at him for not spending time with me.
After the match I asked him to drive me to my work to drop something off which I'd told my colleague I'd bring today. He drives and has car and I don't. It was pouring with rain and he refused to go 10 mins out of his way to give me a lift. He said "Just go tomorrow or get the bus" I was that he doesn't seem to have any consideration of me (his partner's) feelings at all and lacks the kindness to take 10 mins out of his day. I would have happily done it for him.

I walked away angry and he continued our previous plan of going to the pub. He text me about half an hour later saying "You are really unreasonable, it's not my obligation to drive you places, we could have had a nice night had you not been so unreasonable"

Opinions please???

I'm absolutely livid about his disregard of me and seriously considering splitting up over this (well more because of the long-standing issue of nothing ever being resolved because he has to be browbeaten into changing his behaviour and never does it willingly) , but then that could be the hormones talking?

ps - kids at mother-in-laws this weekend.

I am not suggesting you go and hav a joint bank account...I dont...but we do have a "fund" which we both pay into...it's like a kitty. If there's no trust then well...I suppose thats not good.

I do trust him not to cheat on me or lie about big things, but don't trust him with my feelings. There have been loads of "eureka" moments for me. One was when recently I got 8 counselling sessions through my work for things from my past. I didn't tell him because in the past he has said I'm unbalanced etc and I was worried he would use it against me in our battles (I may be being unfair and he wouldn't, but I don't trust him not to, iyswim).

This made me think "this really isn't good"

Sounds to me like the relationship has disintegrated quite a bit. It might be possible to salvage it through counselling but he would need to see how important it is a be willing to participate fully, otherwise it just won't work. Does he realise how close to leaving you are?

BTW I can totally relate to the selfishness thing. A few years ago my DH went out and bought a very expensive computer out of money that should have gone towards our wedding and other joint expenses. I was so hurt and annoyed and when I explained it to him he could see that he was living as though he was a single person (ie not considering our needs as a couple). He had a tendency to only go places that he wanted to go while I made the effort to get to know his friends and go places he wanted to go. Once I had a calm, serious chat to him about these things it got a lot better. I still had to remind him a number of times but over the years things have improved a whole lot.

If you want things to change you have to approach issues carefully. Very few people will be likely to change if they feel they're being attacked.

It does worry me that you say you don't trust him with your feelings, because that's a very basic part of a good relationship. Could this be resolved with counselling? If not I think it would be a dealbreaker for me because I would never quite feel relaxed around him.

I have not read every post so do excuse me if I miss any points.

However, you come over as both being rather immature. Sorry.

In addition, you come across as being very dependent. if you earn a good salary, why don't you buy your own car and learn to drive? It's an essential skill for anyone, and you don't need to rely on unreliable people for lifts!

I was wincing at the hotdog issue- you come over as a child being bought a treat by a parent, not a woman in an equal relationship.

Your relationship seems to be a power struggle. Why don't you shop online if it's a hassle and you both work full time? Or why not do it alternate weeks? I can't see why it's such a big deal.

I work p/t and do 90% of the shopping but when my DH goes to town at a weekend he will ask if there is anything we need, or if we run out midweek and he is passing Tescos, he will pop in and pick up.

Bottom line though seems to be that he doesn't rtreat you lovingly, and you seem to be very dependent on him and throwing a strop when he doesn't do what you want.

WriterofDreams He wouldn't go to counselling - he sees most of the problems as being caused by me. I think we both know we are both close to leaving tbh.

Like what you said abut your DH , the selfishness thing has always been a huge issue - it's just not on his radar to think about the family before he does things, yet is adamant (and seems genuine) that he cares about us. His mum admits she spoiled him rotten and before he met me and we had the kids he never had a serious relationship. He would do the exact same thing as your DH did, although I would not react in a calm way - I can see myself reacting in a blaming way which can't be helpful
The first biggie was that he decided (without much consultation of me) that he was going to begin a very time consuming and expensive post-grad course when I was already pregnant with DC2. When I got annoyed He explained it away as 'for the family in the long run' when I just knew it wasn't , it was for his personal development. I didn't want to sound like a nag and controlling at the time so I didn't say much at the time, but it has festered over the past 2 years. Him taking on that course caused him to rarely be here in the first few weeks of DC2's life and extreme financial hardship which meant I had to go back to work when DC2 was 2 months old! . He never even finished the course in the end .

Peony I don't quite know how to react to the immature comment but I will take it on board that my reactions to him have been immature. I can see that but not in the heat of the moment.
Ok about the driving issue - I did try to learn to drive when i was 17 and got into a horrendous crash which put me off for life. Granted it was a friend I was out with (in those days you were mostly taught by your parents etc), but it has really put me off. Also, finding the childcare since P is out most nights of the week and his mum watches DC2 when we are working so I don't feel able to ask her to commit herself to anything else.
I was just using the hotdog issue to show that he does at times be kind and generous to me, sorry it made you wince though.

Our relationship has become a giant power struggle, you are right

Think what is maybe needed is that I need to calm down with the reactions, explain to him what I need done / changed and why. If he can't be reasonable or caries on oblivious I will have my answer?

He came in last night at 11, I had a go at him, and he went in a taxi to his mums. He is at work now I think but says his phone is out of battery, he needs time to think and will stay at his mums tonight and be in touch tomorrow . Semms like a fucking punishment.

Jeezus what a mess. Won't need to explain anything to DC1 when mother-in-law brings DCs back as DC's used to him working shifts/ nights etc, but mother-in-law will no doubt be wondering what the hell is going on..

Any tips on how to react in a better way? I don't mean tiptoeing around him, I mean how to communicate better without going over-the-top and blaming? Maybe if I can "fix" my end of it then he may listen and change like Writer's DH. But maybe I'm flogging a dead horse and it is over

I can totally see why you're resentful over the postgrad. If he had sat down with you and suggested the course and you had agreed to the hardship it would cause then it wouldn't be so bad, but the fact that he went ahead and just did it, while you picked up all the slack, is just not on. That is extremely selfish. Good on you for not actually killing him when he didn't finish the course

If you're really determined to try to sort this all out then it's going to take a lot of work. If you can't make him see your point of view then it's doomed I'm afraid. The fact that he blames you for everything really isn't a good starting point, but in his defense, does he think you blame him for everything?

The only way to approach the issues you have is calmly, with no accusations. Tell him that you're very worried about the relationship and that you want to set aside a specific time to talk about it without interruptions. Plan for plenty of time, get someone to babysit the kids and then set up an appointment that can't be gotten out of.

When it comes to the chat, explain that you are not out ot attack him or tell him he's in the wrong, you just want to explain how you feel and that you are genuinely interested in what he has to say. Explain that it is not a time for accusing each other or getting angry and that if emotions start running high then you'll have to take a break and come back to it. If any voices get raised, that's it, leave it and walk away.

Then, tell him how you feel without accusing him. Don't say you are this or that, focus entirely on what he does and explain how what he does makes you feel. So for example, don't say "You were very selfish to do that postgrad" as this is an attack and the only way he can respond is by defending himself. It would be better to say "I feel quite resentful about the postgrad because I felt that you made the decision on your own and it left me with a lot of extra stress and worry." Let him respond. If he says "That's rubbish" or "You're wrong" explain calmly that it's not about right or wrong it's how you feel and whether he thinks it's right or wrong doesn't change how you feel. Don't let him attack. Ask him what he thinks and listen to what he has to say. You might hear things that aren't flattering but don't dismiss them, address them honestly. Don't lie or overegg things to get your point across.

Talking in this way isn't easy and takes a lot of restraint. Try to be kind. Try to drop in a few nice things about him and don't be afraid to laugh if one of you says something silly (not in a mocking way though). Have a sense of humour about yourself and accept that you're not perfect either.

Sprogs, I would say he is being inconsiderate and selfish. My DH is the same, tends to always put his needs first, and tries to make out that my concerns are trivial. Do you see each other as adversaries rather than partners in this relationship? I am in the same place with my DH - every little thing turns into a conflict and you end up in a very negative spiral. It's hard to see things objectively when it gets to this point.

IME it's very difficult to communicate effectively when you both resenting each other. He won't change unless he wants to and you will have to forget about making him change because you want him to. Nagging is completely ineffective and only makes things worse. Can you try work-arounds? Like if he won't give you a lift, then call a taxi? Online shopping is a must if you both work. Do it yourself and let him take responsibility for something else. Think of things that will make YOUR life easier and then just get it done. No need to discuss with him or ask for permission.

I can't get my head round the fact that you would rather eat dry toast for 3 days than pop into a shop

I hear what you say about driving and the accident- sorry but it does still sound like an excuse. You could take lessons on a weekend.

Why is he out most of the nights anyway? Don't you share child care?

You seem to be letting every day issues that most couples just find a way round bcome the things that sabotage your relationship. You still sound very dependent on him.

I don'tknow how you talk to him or what you can say, but it does sound as if you both need to assess what you are getting out of the relationship.
Are you married or just living together?

Writer Thanks so much for your detailed post on how to change my part at least, because I know that I can only change my behaviour , not others, but it's soooo hard to put into practise when I'm angry.

He does listen to my point of view if I put it to him as a "suggestion on how to make things better or point out to him that it's only fair he does xy or z" but this only really works when he is in a good mood. He doesn't seem to see that so called 'little' things like not giving me a lift in the rain are actually hurtful to me because I don't feel like he is loving towards me since all the extreme fights at the post-grad time. He just sees it at face value ie- she is going mental because I didn't give her a lift - it's her fault. I do blame him for a lot I suppose.

I will ask him about time to talk things through, however he will say he is too busy with work (he is a contractor so the more hours he does the more money he gets). If he does make an excuse not to talk even after I indicate how serious this is, I will have my answer I think

Thank you so much for the pointers on resolving stuff. He always says he feels I attack him and launch a character assault on him , which I suppose is true, I just snap cause of resentment and he then shuts off, gets defensive and sometimes quite nasty and the circle continues. I will try my hardest to exercise restraint like you have advised (need to memorise that now!) I don't want to end up tip-toeing round him if he is being out-of-order though as I did that with an ex and he just took the piss out of me. I guess it is about being assertive but not attacking.

Here is an example of how I think I personally go wrong:

DC2 wakes up crying. I go to pick him up. He burps and it smells a bit like sick.

P wakes up when I put the light on (he goes to bed early) and I tell him about DC2 and how I think he is sick. P just mumbles something about must be DC2's teething and says he's not getting up to him.

Now I'm pretty sure he wasn't being malicious, he was half-asleep and didn;t hear what I said about the sick.

So I say something along the lines of

"Don't you even care that your son is sick?! I'll bloody get up with him all night then if he's sick shall I, whilst you lie there!"

Not helpful, is it?

He is selfish though and unreasonable at times but approaching him like this is not going to help my case any. If I decide that ultimately he is too selfish to live with then I should separate from him after carefully considering for myslef. Without me going crazy trying to force him to change.

FrogsInJaccuzi Yes that is how I feel. Like we are adversaries, always trying to prove a point to each other. I don't expect him to treat me well for more than say a week at a time before he will do something selfish or inconsiderate. So I'm waiting for him to do it, which ruins any good times we ever have iyswim.
I could easily get around it by getting taxi or shopping myself but I would be brimming with resentment since it is one of the few bills he pays and the car is supposed to be for family use. I think to myself - Why would I want to be with someone so inconsiderate?
I feel that I do things to try and make things better between us but he just lives his life as he pleases, and I get sick of making excuses for him.

Peony

I work 9-5.30 Mon-Fri and pick DC1 up from afterschool at 6. He picks DC2 up from his mum's at 6 too then goes back to work for at least 2 hours as he works a lot (too much in my opinion) He works 8-8 6 days a week. So he's not in at nights until at least 8.30 and sometimes if he goes to pub it will be 10 . If one of us wants to go out for a night out or whatever on the weekend we will negotiate and if one of us is unable to do it then his mum usually steps in as she likes spending time with them and doesn't get to see much of DC1 cause she's at school most of the day and afterschool.

We are not married. I've never been too bothered about it tbh. He proposed after we split up due to the post-grad fiasco.