Why cant I make friends at Baby Group? It's been 3 months!

[needAholiday79]

I'm a longtime, on-off, Mumsnet lurker. I have a 4 year old DD1 and a 5 month old DD2. I have been going to two baby groups regularly for the last 3 months. Hard as I try I cannot seem to make any friends, and it is really starting to depress me.

When I first started going to groups it was going well and I chatted to a few women but things never ?moved on? to going out for coffee or arranging to meet up. I thought I was getting to know two women in the group and we exchanged phone numbers, but when I have texted them they haven?t replied or just made vague promises that they might go to the next group and we might see each other then.

I really do not know why I cannot seem to make friends. I am quite a shy person and do not like to be the centre of attention, but I am able to approach people and start up a conversation. I think I?m friendly and open-minded, and I try to go to the groups with a cheerful attitude and strike up conversations with women by asking questions about their babies, or complimenting them on their choice of buggy. I also chat to the ?newbies? of the group and I normally have a good response and I think that we will become friends. But as they weeks wear on the ?newbie? will acknowledge me less and less as she makes other friends. This has happened so many times now and it?s chipping away at my self-esteem.

It makes me want to cry when I see a woman, who just weeks previously nervously came to the group for the first time, happily chatting and laughing with her new friends, when no-one even acknowledges my presence when I come to groups. I like to know what I?m doing wrong! I must be sending out the wrong signals, but how the hell do I change my ?signals??

I had PND with my first DD and I know that it's important to get out of the house and try to socialise, I feel so tired and worn out and no longer feel like going to groups. When I went to group yesterday I saw all these women I have tried to chat to over the last months and even though I tried to look cheerful and smile no-one even said ?hi? to me as I sat down. I suddenly so sad and and I felt tears welling up, so I just grabbed my stuff and left. I suppose I will seem really weird now!

I have a lovely supportive partner, but he doesn?t understand how upsetting going to baby group is for me, and to be honest I don?t want to tell him that I cant make friends because I don?t want him to think I?m odd (I know it?s ridiculous).

I have tried for 3 months and am going back to work in 3.5 months, and I?m starting to think that I wont make any friends, so perhaps I should give up now and accept it?s just DD2 and me during the day. But how do I cope with the loneliness? My family live abroad and I do not have any friends in the area.

och, that's weird and pretty hurtful, what a shame. have you ever had difficulty making friends before or is it just recently? some people just aren't good at baby groups, you know, and make their friends elsewhere.

you seem perfectly lovely to me.

oh and what have you been doing lurking for FOUR YEARS you big nellie? jump in. and then go onto mn local.

I just realised that because I copied my message from Word every ' has been replaced by a ? making the message really difficult to read. Sorry!

are you maybe a tad too apologetic irl? it's not hard to read...

I know how you feel.
I went to a toddler group with my first DC for almost a year and sat there on my own for most of the time watching all the other Mums who all seemed to know each other. :(
I used to cry on the way home because I felt like the odd one out.
The only person who spoke to me was the group organizer!
I eventually made some Mum friends from a postnatal group run by my doctors surgery with the HV.
Now I'm going to a toddler group with my youngest again and I haven't really made any friends again. I know one or two people there already because of the older child which helps a bit but they're not really friends that I'd go out with.

I think this is a really hard situation and I really feel for you. Try to remember when they look like they are all chatting and getting on well this is probably what it looks like to someone watching you chatting to other people. They may only be friends at the group though and not be meeting up for coffee every two minutes outside of it, even though it feels like it to you (I can relate to that sentiment entirely).

Have you thought about trying some different groups? Sometimes it can be a case of finding like-minded people.

I know my neighbour found the local NCT bumps and babes group really cliquey but there was a lovely under-1's group which was much more her thing. That one didn't suit me and I found a group where I met some great people.

I think, as Aitch says, you sound lovely and I think you should keep doing what you are doing - smiling and chatting and I'm sure you will meet some Mums or Dads that you 'click' with.

By the way, what area are you in?

I have never made a friend at a mum/baby group, and I'm adorable.

I wouldn't leap onto the newbies. I am always suspicious of people who "adopt" me if I join something new, as they're usually (sorry!) people who've failed to make any friends there. You've been going there well long enough to talk to the older members - chat to them instead. You'll seem far more confident.

But really, I never made a friend at anything like that, and I make friends easily everywhere else.

is there a local NCT group in your area? you might find going to 'open houses' a more conducive way to meet people.

sympathy to you, i never got on with baby groups, there was one I enjoyed for a while with dd2 but the people I got on with the best left after a while and I couldn't be bothered to go any more! plus if you are feeling a bit down it can be a real social strain.

It's not just you ... I go to lots of these things and find them really cliquey. I don't know what to suggest except keep trying if you can stand it ... my son is 7 months and I still haven't made a real friend ... I just say hello how are you to lots of people.

Maybe the people who said they'd be in touch are just really busy - they may have friends outside of the playgroup or lots of family around so they are fine and not looking to make realy friends at the playgroup, or don't have genuine time to fit you in, or maybe they work other days.

I've never made a friend at m&B either - whereas nct and a couple of other channels (via friends I already had) I've not had a problem. Try texting again - got nothing to lose - everyone has busy lives so might be worth a punt!

I'm a bit shy and find that it's easier if I do the following with strangers

1. praise something about their child
2. don't bring up controversial topics like breast/bottle, dummies, contrtolled crying and be a bit non committal
3. maybe exaggerate a touch so they don't feel your dd is perfect - to you she is but it makes other people feel better if they know you are having trouble with sleeping/eating/behaviour etc.
4. think of a few things to talk about beforehand - christmas, birthday parties, weightloss (or lack of it) always a winner with me! I also found that joining a slimming world group found me a few mates.
5. When you do find a friend see if you can get on facebook with them - I hear a lot about stuff going on from random 'friends' I have picked up from being on with one.
6. Relax - it probably isn't you, and this time of year much harder as yo ucan't go to the park.

Good luck, you have my sympathy, eventually you'll meet your mummy 'soulmates' I hope!

Many thanks for all the replies. I've looked up NCT groups in my area and I think I will give one of those groups a go. I have considered going to another group for awhile, but felt like it would be hard work starting all over with new faces. However it might be the best thing, a fresh start and hopefully new friends!

I spent ages at different groups and didnt make friends either, in the end I took a paper to read while dc played

NCT worked much better for me did their post natal exercise classes and coffee mornings and met people from there.

Also it may seem pushy but if you meet someone you click with invite them for coffee and at a definite time so it doesnt just get left. You would be surprised at how many women feel the same as you they just dont look it !

So much depends on the group. I went to one where absolutely no one spoke to me apart from a nanny and a grandmother. They confided to me that no one ever spoke to them, either. It had to be the worst group I've ever had the misfortune to attend.

I went to another recently and it was wonderful. Such a different experience! I almost feel like going back to the first group, taking that nanny and grandmother by the hand and dragging them to this other one.

You sound lovely.

I had a hard time with my DD1 after she was born 8yrs ago, when she was 6 months old I decided to go out to the local baby groups and I must have tried six of them before I decided to try another group miles out of my way and met my best friend there.

She was a newbie as well on the same day and we just 'clicked' I made the first move a few sessions later and invited her for coffee.
We are still in touch even though she lives out in France.

Since becoming a childminder I find baby groups so much easier as I go there for my mindee(s) to have fun, not just for me to natter away and I suppose because I feel more relaxed I must 'look' more approachable so people come and talk to me anyway.

Just try a few more groups until you find the right one.

I don't think it matters if you cry actually. When I moved house 36 weeks pregnant with DD2 I was desperate to make some friends before the delivery.
I took DD1 to the toddler group up the road and walked in nervously bump first. An officious lady on the door said " We have a six month waiting list here you know".
I just burst into noisy tears and walked out. Someone ran after me after dragged me back and after a bit of thought they decided as they needed a secretary for the group I could join as Secretary and jump the waiting list. Within six weeks I was on the committee and had lots of new friends. If I had been my usual copey self I wouldn't have cried and would have just walked away miserably and never gone back.

Could you be brave and talk to one of the organisers about whether they need anyone to help? They will be thrilled and you will get more involved straight away.

I agree with other posters who've said try some different groups. I went to three different ones. I only managed two weeks at one because it was so cliquey and no-one spoke to me. The second was fine for chatting on the day but I didn't make any lasting friends from it. The third (NCT Open House) was the best as I chatted to lots of different mums and made three lasting friends. Other people, though, didn't like the NCT one and got on really well with the people at the first group. So different groups suit different people and you just haven't found the right one yet.

Oh God it's hard isn't it. So many people seem to experience the same thing, why cant mothers be a bit more caring towards each other.
I went to a really bad mother and baby group and only lasted a few weeks because the experience made me feel like shit. I then tried another group ( a smaller church based one) and it was a totally different experience, so welcoming, chatty and friendly.
so i think you should maybe look for something else, or maybe a smaller paid course like baby sign /massage/yoga, that's the route that i'm going down with my newest addition.
You do sound like a lovely person
also you could try a more local mums based website where they have a 'meet a mum board'?

You sound lovely, don't lose sight of the fact that you have gone to these groups alone whilst others may have gone with someone else. It does take time to make contacts, so don't give up or appear too keen. Enjoy the interaction with your own DC whilst there. Play with their children if they just sit and chat to each other. Also, I suggest you find a role in volunteering in some way to be part of the Baby Group as this will provide a mine of information and contacts as well as fellowship and stimulation for you. Always read the notice board, & chat to staff. Let us know how you get on.

I feel like you in the school playground- I chat to a few mums, but it never develops into a friendship. I take a long time to get to know people and would like to have friends to go out for coffee with but don't know how to make the transition from aqquaintance to friend.

Needaholiday, I would say try another group, you sound lovely.

awwww :( not really got any advice for you as such as these groups can be daunting.

try joining the mumsnet local group on here for your town and also i have used netmums before, their meet a mum board is excellent.

I'm in exactly the same position, some groups are so cliquey . Sorry I don't have any advice for you but you're not alone. Where do you live btw?