Why cant I make friends at Baby Group? It's been 3 months!

[needAholiday79]

I'm a longtime, on-off, Mumsnet lurker. I have a 4 year old DD1 and a 5 month old DD2. I have been going to two baby groups regularly for the last 3 months. Hard as I try I cannot seem to make any friends, and it is really starting to depress me.

When I first started going to groups it was going well and I chatted to a few women but things never ?moved on? to going out for coffee or arranging to meet up. I thought I was getting to know two women in the group and we exchanged phone numbers, but when I have texted them they haven?t replied or just made vague promises that they might go to the next group and we might see each other then.

I really do not know why I cannot seem to make friends. I am quite a shy person and do not like to be the centre of attention, but I am able to approach people and start up a conversation. I think I?m friendly and open-minded, and I try to go to the groups with a cheerful attitude and strike up conversations with women by asking questions about their babies, or complimenting them on their choice of buggy. I also chat to the ?newbies? of the group and I normally have a good response and I think that we will become friends. But as they weeks wear on the ?newbie? will acknowledge me less and less as she makes other friends. This has happened so many times now and it?s chipping away at my self-esteem.

It makes me want to cry when I see a woman, who just weeks previously nervously came to the group for the first time, happily chatting and laughing with her new friends, when no-one even acknowledges my presence when I come to groups. I like to know what I?m doing wrong! I must be sending out the wrong signals, but how the hell do I change my ?signals??

I had PND with my first DD and I know that it's important to get out of the house and try to socialise, I feel so tired and worn out and no longer feel like going to groups. When I went to group yesterday I saw all these women I have tried to chat to over the last months and even though I tried to look cheerful and smile no-one even said ?hi? to me as I sat down. I suddenly so sad and and I felt tears welling up, so I just grabbed my stuff and left. I suppose I will seem really weird now!

I have a lovely supportive partner, but he doesn?t understand how upsetting going to baby group is for me, and to be honest I don?t want to tell him that I cant make friends because I don?t want him to think I?m odd (I know it?s ridiculous).

I have tried for 3 months and am going back to work in 3.5 months, and I?m starting to think that I wont make any friends, so perhaps I should give up now and accept it?s just DD2 and me during the day. But how do I cope with the loneliness? My family live abroad and I do not have any friends in the area.

I never made any real friends through babygroup - might be easier trying something more activity based - library story time, swimming etc. I think it can be particularly hard to make friends at babygroup as everyone is quite frazzled and lacking mental energy to a degree due to demands of parenthood, and because one probably doesn't have that much in common in terms of personality/interest with the other mums, who are gathered together on the basis of having children a similar age, so the friendships can be quite shallow if based on swapping weaning tips etc.

I think it's likely to be a competitive environment, besides which there is no reason you will particularly get on with someone simply because you give birth at around the same time
Try somewhere else and don't beat yourself up about it - life is too short to spend time in places you feel uncomfortable.

I think, looking at this rationally, they're probably a bunch of cunts

I went to one toddler group and a sing and sign group for 2 years and never made a single friend.

I went to another toddler group and had a big group of friends within weeks.

Third toddler group (not all one child - I'm not that dedicated) - very friendly and a couple of half hearted "yeah we should get the kids together one afternoon" but nothing come of it.

Yoga group - made one good friend who introduced me to all her friends and I now count them as my friends.

Aquanatal group - made a lot of friends.

Swimming group - nothing. Nada. Zip.

You NEEEED to move on to different groups. This one isn't working for you.

Also, my rule in making friends is QUANTITY NOT QUALITY. The ones you don't really make a connection with will fall by the wayside, and you will be surprised by the oddballs who turn out to be brilliant women. Indiscriminately make friends with everyone. Give everyone your number. Invite anyone to coffee. You'll get some rejections and you'll make some friends.

yes, liluri said what I was trying to say, in about 1/3 of the words

tethersend That has just cheered me up no end. Could we get you working on the problem of the Middle East next?

Aww, that's horrible :( I'm in exactly the same position really. I've been going to things for a while but don't seem to be able to make friends and at some I just seem to be blanked completely. I've come home in tears from the last few things I've gone to :(

I would love to try different groups but this is a very small town and there's not really much around. I'm just persevering and hoping it will pay off in the end. Some of the women I've met are 'friends' on Facebook so I'm hoping that will help eventually since it's a lower pressure way of getting to know people. Everyone around here seems to know everyone else and it feels very isolating.

The exact same thing happens to me...I only go because my DD likes it...o me it is slow torture as nobody talks to me. Like you I did all the right things...nobody ever comes to talk to me though, I tried to sit by a woman whose daughter my own child was playing with...and she blody half blanked me!

I put it down to her being shy or tired and wandered off...then ten minutes later her "friends" came and she was happily talking to them!

I am not weird and have plenty of non-baby mates...so not sure why these things are so hard!

I have given up now with good grace..I go weekly and spend my time playing with my child...or reading!

I think some of them talk shite...and as I tend to like a decent conversation, I may be a bit too serious for most? Might be the same with you?

Stop thinking of it...find another group or just go and play...and look into some hobby groups maybe. t al get beter when they start school!

Are there any groups you can join that have a finite number of sessions i.e. baby massage, parenting skills? Then you'll all start at the samer time and by the end should have got to know each other sufficiently well to decide if you should stay in contact or not.

I went to a post-natal group at my local SureStart that was "closed" so once we started the same group saw it through to the end. It was lovely as we learned lots about each other over the course of the groups and kept in touch afterwards.

i have been going to two baby groups, one is nearer, so more convenient, but i haven't manage to make friends because it is a small community and people grow up together here, and as a foreigner i stand up a lot... the other one requires a bus journey, but i havve made a few 'friends', people who is really happy to see me, one who may became a friend, she is really nice, and seems to like me and a friend, we have gone for coffee even, i am also very shy and that makes me look awkwards sometimes.

my theory is some people just go to show off and be judgey, i stopp going to one, when i heard them gossip about the meal to go my lovely dh had prepared for me, and this was very early days, weeks within given birth... i just said 'bunch of cows' and never come back, i got a new one to try...

I've said it before and I'll say it again - some women really seem to know how to be mean to each other!

My first baby group, I went there for weeks and got completely ignored - even by a woman who was my neighbour and was always telling me to 'pop in'- she'd say hello then sweep on to her group of mates.

Eventually a woman who'd hosted an NCT tea I'd been to turned up, we got chatting and ended up friends for years until i moved away. And she'd have the same experience as me if I wasn't at the group
for some reason - being blanked/ignored, sometimes by people she knew as neighbours.

But if I hadn't gone to that first tea (which I came away from dis-spirited because the other woman there was a loud, braying hair-flicker who monopolised the conversation), I wouldn't have known her to say hello to in the first instance, and we might never have clicked.

If you can bring yourself to perservere and try more groups, do - or maybe just lay off the whole scene for a bit. I do remember this time of year as seeming very isolating, though, what with the seeming weather-induced dip in mood and lack of opportunity to get out and about.

M&B groups are hard - I wouldn't try too hard to force friendships (could come across as a bit desperate and therefore off-putting?) and be happy if you get on with one or two. I made some good baby friends outside of a M&B group (through a postnatal NHS group), but when we went to M&B groups together, I always felt like these friends made new friends there very easily whereas I would leave with no more friends than when I'd arrived.

Now I've gone back to work full-time I feel, when we do meet up together, that I'm missing out loads not being there all the time and I feel a bit like a spare part. Probably partly to do with me actually not knowing them as well currently, and partly to do with my paranoia.

I would def. try a new group, and don't go in all guns blazing with attempts to make friends. Go regularly and then after one time where you've been talking to one or two mums, say, quite casually, that you're about to go for a cheap lunch/coffee on the way home - does anyone want to join you (they probably won't the first time as won't have thought about it and may have other plans), but then say, never mind, maybe we can do it next week? And then try again the following week...

It's not easy. I would also though 'fess up to your DH as he may be able to shed some light?

and hv has told me that i come across as very confident first time mum and that can be intimidating to other mums, i told her where to go and if she and the other mums would prefer me to be an incompetent nervous reck, maybe that is why i find hard to make friends?

i think dh can spare some light, or at least be sympathetic...

Firstly... Stop lurking. I joined when I had my DS 7 months ago and just started posting away, it gives me something to do when DS is napping or in the evening when DH is playstationing. I don't think anyone recognises me or is remotely interested in me... But I'm getting lots of handy baby tips and advice and having quite a good chuckle at some of the posts, I even also sort of had my first Mumsnet argument over white poppies!
Secondly, I know exactly how you feel... I have done baby massage, baby sensory, sing and sign, bumps and babes, baby swimming (gosh I've been busy) etc... And haven't made friends either... I normally find it easy to make friends, but not with any of the other Mums in my groups. I have decided it's because the only thing we have in common is our babies. We are all tired. Meeting for coffee can be difficult when all babies seem to have different routines. We are too scared to invite other Mums to our houses because they're not as clean as the used to be etc... Try not to worry about it. You sound lovely, I'm sure we'll make friends soon! :)

At one playgroup I go to I know quite a lot of people to talk to but I don't see them outside the group because we all have multiple children and are just too busy. I have one friend there that I do see outside the group but I don't talk to her much there because I do see her at other times. So don't think everyone else is having loads of meet ups outside the group.

I agree with others to try other groups. I would go to NCT house groups as it would be very rude for people to blank you at those.

Do you tell people you are going back to work? If you do too soon then I think some people will ignore you because they will think that there is no point forming a friendship when you will soon be too busy to spend any time with them.

I think that with a baby the weeks fly by so fast and you are constantly doing something that you do forget to come good on promises of coffee with people you have only just met. I wouldn't take it personally OP and I wouldn't give up!

You will meet people but it does sound like you should maybe try other groups. Don't invite people for coffee too soon but show that you are willing to meet outside of the group. Smile lots and try to find someone that has similar interests outside of having babies!

You sound like a great and friendly person to me.

Tethersed got it right.

It is tough, I know. Am just slightly starting to twirl my thumbs on maternity leave.

Your thread has prompted me to post on MNLocal and was pleasantly surprised to find some MNers who live in the same 1950s backwater I do .

oh yes this happened to me and i was terribly depressed by it at the time.

with dc1 i was desperate to make friends and it didnt happen, i was shy and attached so much importance to every encounter, imagining that i could one day be friends with the person who i'd just had small talk with.

with my second dc i was so much more relaxed and also busy. i would go to toddler groups and spend the whole time supervising either baby or toddler, breastfeeding, etc - but somehow i made friends

i guess its like people used to say about boyfriends - they turn up when you're least expecting it.

also, try other groups, don't worry, be brave, and do things you enjoy... good luck xx

OP - where abouts are you? My DD's are the same age and I have been having the same kind of issues.. I could have written your post!

I go to a bf group where I seem to get along with a couple of mums but babies different ages and no-one I would call a friend. I went to a baby group for 2 weeks and couldn't go anymore because it was so cliquey!

If you live near me I will be your new friend! I am a little shy at first too but our DD's are the same age and we'll always be able to talk about how crap baby groups are ;)

I agree with trying something activity based so that you have something to talk about that is common ground, and it doesn't matter if you don't talk.

Sometimes it's nicer to stay in or just go out for a coffee with your baby than be with a group of cliquey women.

[not suggesting you feed your baby coffee ].

FWIW I think you're giving yourself a hard time! I've never made any proper friends at a group, and I usually have no problem making friends. They're strange environment and tbh I don't expect to make friends there.

I would advise going to a mumsnet meet up in your area, if there is one. (Whereabouts are you?).

Also the "Meet a mum" board on (shh!) Netmums are really good I think. You can arrange to meet other mums for coffee / the park / whatever. I've recently moved to a new area and I found this the best way to meet mums with children around my Ds's age, locally.

OP - I could have written a lot of your post.

DS is almost 9 months old and I find parents & tots groups to be soul-crushing and tedious. I go about once a fortnight to get me out of the house and cuz DS enjoys playing with the toys.

I agree with other posters who say that they are often cliquey, the ones round my way are like that too.

I've moaned to DH about it, and he just does not get it at all. It upsets me, not to the point of tears, but just makes me feel like there is something wrong with me. :(

I will take the advice given by other posters and try other groups. Would love to meet a new friend.

OP - I live in Brixton, London and if you want to meet up for coffee around central/south London just send me a message. I go quite regularly to a number of groups (my DD is 9months and I'll be back at work early next year) and have a number of nice ladies I meet up with but I felt really upset when I read about how isolated and excluded you feel.

Sounds like lots of people are in the same boat here. Before I go on; respect to wifeofdoom Sounds like you've faced your shyness head on.

I've actually got a bit of a different take. I reckon that 3 months is a short amount of time to make real friends. I went to lots of M&B groups and the like with DD1 to keep me sane. I met lots of people who I would refer to as friends but I didn't meet up for coffeee etc with all of them.

I just saw them on a weekly basis, sometimes for 6 months or more and never really expected much else. When awful things have happened in my life I have actually been able to talk to these friends about it even though we don't see each other outside of the groups. My point being, they are still valued friendships.

Also, you really don't know why these 2 women are being non committal. Maybe they are suffering from post natal depression, are scared to invite you round for coffee as it's a complete shit hole, their dog just died, they've lost their phone (I do that on a regular basis), or maybe like tethersend suggests they're just cunts! Any which way, don't take it personally.

Maybe just be happy with the weekly group for a bit and if you get fed up on the days it isn't running, then go to other groups. Less pressure on yourself. Good luck.