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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

dp talking to women on sexcontact site

28 replies

hippymummy · 04/11/2010 07:24

This is the first time I have ever started a thread. I discovered yesterday that my partner has been chatting to and mailing local women on a sex contact site since 25th oct. I waited till kids were in bed and confronted him about it. I at least expected an apology but instead he said he was just passing time and had done nothing wrong. He acted as if I was in the wrong. I asked him to sleep downstairs but he didn't. I checked the site this morning and he has stopped his membership at the end of this month but he had also asked a woman for a pic and a video chat! I just feel totally gutted. What should I do; he just isn't taking me seriously.

OP posts:
AnyFawker · 04/11/2010 07:30

He will take you seriously if you tell him to leave while you consider whether your future lies with a cheating man who displays no consideration for your feelings.

Don't let him treat you like you are stupid.

BitOfFawkes · 04/11/2010 07:31

A few binbags should focus his attention.

JaquiChan · 04/11/2010 07:35

If he won't sleep elsewhere when asked he is unlikely to leave.

My ex did this recently, I caught him out, he thought it was ok as it was "just dirty chat", he was binned.

Sorry you are going through this OP.

Original poster
hippymummy · 04/11/2010 07:35

I actually told him that I wanted him to leave but he just sat down; put the tv on and didn't talk to me. I'm just so upset. He also never gives me any affection. I just don't think I can stand it anymore.

OP posts:
Malificence · 04/11/2010 07:35

Don't tell me, he is a big porn user too?

JaquiChan · 04/11/2010 07:37

mal my ex was, classic eh?

Malificence · 04/11/2010 07:42

It seems to be a pattern of behaviour with these creeps.

Original poster
hippymummy · 04/11/2010 07:46

If he uses porn it must be online as he doesn't buy magazines. I wouldn't mind that so much; it's the fact that these are "real" women and he could feasibly take it a step further and meet them.

OP posts:
Malificence · 04/11/2010 07:50

There seems to be a whole side to his personality that you know nothing about.
Have you never discussed this type of threat to relationships or what is and isn't acceptable behaviour / joint boundaries etc.?

Original poster
hippymummy · 04/11/2010 07:55

Put it this way Malificence, if the boot was on the other foot he wouldn't be too happy! Also I found out he had been using adult friend finders some time ago and told him exactly how I felt so it shouldn't have come as a big surprise to him. What gets me is I'm having a very difficult time right now; I have a son with autism and another who may also have asd. I really don't need anymore stress.

OP posts:
Malificence · 04/11/2010 07:59

Then he really has no excuse does he?
You have two pretty challenging children by the sounds of it, you don't need a selfish, childish man who thinks this type of behaviour is acceptable stress relief.

How many more chances are you going to give him - he's proved beyond doubt that you can't trust him, you need to show him that this is it - he either stops or it's over - if you don't he will continue to take you for a mug.

TheGrumpalo · 04/11/2010 08:11

I'd dump him, simple as that. The fact that he went on a sex contact site and joined would be enough for me. The trust would be gone.

He's not going to take you seriously by the sound of it unless you do something drastic.

JaquiChan · 04/11/2010 08:11

He's done this before, he won't sleep downstairs, he is ignoring you - you HAVE to make him know this is wrong. You need to tell him that living in a one bed flat, paying 20% of his income and seeing his children every other weekend is the way forward unless he stops being a complete knob.

JaquiChan · 04/11/2010 08:14

agree with grumpalo. My ex was on adult friend finder for "dirty chat" as he put it. The fact that he could never take things further (chronic, and I mean chronic ED) made no difference, he made a decision to register, it was all pre-meditated, he knew what he was doing. What he didn't realise was that I would not forgive him, even though he said it was just the once, a betrayal is a betrayal.

SheWillBeLoved · 04/11/2010 08:16

The sites he has been on are irrelevant right now. What would be the deal breaker for me is his blatant lack of respect for you and your feelings/wishes. Not even an apology, an explanation, just bothered about worming his way out of it all by convincing you it is okay. In short - he is a twat.

Bast · 04/11/2010 08:34

You had clear boundaries in place = he is taking the pi$$.

The fact that he is refusing to give you the space you have requested is adding insult to injury. He seems to have a concerning sense of entitlement all round!

Practically, what is your housing situation? ...I am wondering if there is a way you can force him to leave and tip the balance of control in this situation in you favour.

Bast · 04/11/2010 08:36

your favour. ...Take the power back!

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 04/11/2010 10:57

OP This is what you're telling us.

Your DP was using an adult dating site before. You found out and gave him another chance. He doesn't buy magazines, so you have assumed he wasn't using porn Hmm. You are under a lot of stress. He shows you no affection. He is using a sex contact site and doesn't think it's a problem, just a pastime. He invalidates your feelings and ignores you. He refuses to give you space, either in the bedroom or from the home completely.

You know what to do don't you?

thesunshinesbrightly · 04/11/2010 11:05

He is an ass! Sorry op.

Men! all the same tossers.

PosieComeHereMyPreciousParker · 04/11/2010 11:10

OP....why are you with him? Really think about this, what does he do that makes your life better?

GypsyMoth · 04/11/2010 11:11

He's looking for no strings sex...... What did his profile say?

Are you sure he hadn't met anyone?

This is one step up from porn.... Interacting via video chat

AnyFawker · 04/11/2010 15:56

you poor thing

it would be foolish to give him another chance after this

if he won't leave, you need to go down official channels and see about divorcing him, speak to a solicitor about getting the ball rolling. If you own your own house, put it on the market

if money is an issue, go to the CAB and find out what benefits you are entitled to

if you are a council tenant, speak to them, tell them you are separating and you want him off the tenancy...you will get priority to stay there with 2 children

he must know that you mean business or he will continue to use you as a cook/cleaner/childminder whilst giving you zero respect and looking for sex with other women

you are worth much more than that

the stress you are under will start to lift once you take steps to get rid of this drain on your emotions. You and your children are better off without him

ll40 · 04/11/2010 17:15

hi everyone, can you help me please.

i was/am in the same situation.

i found my ex on all these sites, naked pictures, cybersex etc as well as emails from escort agencies and he had been stealing from me to fund this habit.

for me there was no question, i left him immediately and filed for divorce. it has been very difficult as i (thought) loved him with all my heart.

it is now a year on and i am still hurting. i have a 1 year old and 2 year old. my ex has been pushing me through court for a long time to get overnight access and now has it. i am terrified that my children will be subject to his online activities. do you think i am justified or should i drop the concern and just concentrate on letting my kids have a good time with their dad. it is hard when the trust is gone. i want to do what is best for my two kids but am torn between what happened to me and if this can ultimately be a problem for the kids. please help

AnyFawker · 04/11/2010 17:35

hi there

Tbh, unless your ex has been abusive towards the chilren, he would eventually get overnight access

Just because he was a shit partner doesn't mean he is a shit father.

Now having said that, have you any reason to believe he is going to expose his own children to cybersex and pornographic images etc ?

Some men are addicted to this stuff, but even they draw the line at using outside of their on sex life.

Speak to him about it. You should already be having conversations about how things will be when he has them eg. sleeping arrangements, handling their behaviour etc so raise it to put your mind at rest.

Oh, and well done for getting rid of the selfish fucker x

AnyFawker · 04/11/2010 17:36

using porn/images outside their own sex life