Has anyone "settled" and it's all turned out ok?

[diorama]

And also, how do you know if you "settled" rather than being madly in love with your spouse?

I don't want to come across as whiny and spoilt, as I have a lovely DH, 2 dcs and a good life. But I can't seem to get rid of ths nagging feeling that my DH and I just kind of drifted into marriage. I've never felt the heart-stopping being in love thing with him. I do love him as in I care deeply about him, I find him physically attractive and I think he's a generally great person. He pisses me off at times too obviously but I know objectively that I'm lucky to have him, when I read on here so many stories of relationship problems. But there's a part of me wondering if I got married too young and if I'm storing up problems for the future.

So is that being in love then? And if not, is it good enough in the long-term? Has anyone married someone they were perhaps not head over heels in love with and stayed together happily for a long time? And one last question, how many people are really in love when they marry?

You understand I don't expect a percentage or anything, just interested to hear people's views.

I can't really help but I know what you mean and look forward to the comments.

I?m currently with my DP whom I love, he is a really good man, we have a lovely time together and far surpasses my previous boyfriends, especially in the way he treats me. I do worry that I?m a grass is always green person and that by being with him, I won?t be meeting someone I am totally in love with (fireworks, all encompassing etc etc). I guess I?m not prepared to give up what we have, I just hope I feel the same way about him in years to come and don?t feel like I?ve settled.

I think everyone settles, unless they are married to the alpha male of the whole entire world, don't they?

Some people enjoy the roller coaster of emotions that comes with that extreme 'in love' feeling, and I suppose it must work for them, but I think many more people feel like they drifted into marriage because the vast majority of relationships don't maintain that high intensity of feeling.

I guess it's part of growing up and maturing (I mean that as a lifelong process) when you accept that your life isn't, and probably never will be, a mills and boon novel.

The "in-love" feeling doesn't last anyway but I think it's pretty important to have that feeling at least to begin with. Being in love is much, much more than what you describe. Did you have any past relationships where you felt that you were in love?

I think people more often settle when they are a bit older, and have maybe been disappointed in love or have not managed to find a truely compatible mate. Then they meet someone who seems good enough and they decide to get married, start a family etc rather than face the prospect of being single forever, as they may see it. I know someone who has fallen into this situation, and although he does love his wife, it is more a love that has developed over time, and it is more like he cares for her as the mother of his children rather than the passionate love a husband should feel for his wife.

I was in love when I got married. Most of the people that I know were in love or at least had been in love before getting married. Having said that, a lot of so-called love-matches end in divorce! I'm sure marriages where you weren't in love to start of with can last. Is it good enough for you though? Only you will be able to answer that.

I often think that there's something to be said for arranged marriage. I've heard many times of couples in arranged marriages who love each other deeply many many years down the line. They barely knew each other when they married so there was no chance of them being in love at that point, but their love is one that grew over time and had a good basis in common backgrounds and values.

Incidentally, I have a very good friend who believes that if you're not wildly in love with someone then you're with the wrong person. She is single, and has never (in her mid 40s) had a relationship last longer than four years.

I don't believe you have to be wildly in love all the time for a relationship to work and I've been with my husband for 17 (mostly very happy) years.

I don't know how old your children are OP, but when the kids are very young it's almost impossible to maintain the love fest of younger days simply because you're knackered and have less time for each other. I think relationships wax and wane over the years.

Oh, also, I often hear women say that they're concerned about their relationships becoming sibling like. It makes me and I usually ask them when the last time they slept in their brother's bed and had his kids.

Hmmm.

My own thoughts are that the "heart-stopping" thing is transitory. Probably someone will come on and say they still feel like that after 20 years of marriage, but seriously, I doubt it.

The person who is the right partner for you for life isn't necessarily the one who you fell crazy in love with. If I had stayed with any of the crazy loves I'd be divorced by now.

Having said that, I don't think I settled. DH was a catch!

my parents marriage lasted 25 years till i reached adulthood, then they split, they had wanted to split for years and i think they both knew even on their wedding day that they werent in love.
i have ended a 2 year good relationship as although he was nice etc i didnt love him.
i wouldnt settle personally.
i love dp after 9 years and think he is the best partner for me.

I'd definitely have been divorced by now if I'd married 'the one that got away' wildstrawberry. Not least because he attempted to cheat on his wife with me a couple of years ago But mostly because the intensity of the emotions I had when he was in my life was absolutely ridiculous and I don't think it would have been good for my emotional wellbeing in the long term.

We had this at our wedding.

Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being in love which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two.

I know what you mean.....don't know any answers though.

Thanks for the responses.

tiptop2 I definitely think I'm a grass is greener kind of person. Logically I know that in most cases, the grass is NOT greener. But I would like not to have these nagging feelings.

FrogInAJacuzzi I don't think I ever had the in-love feeling with my DH. Actually I've had moments of extreme tenderness towards him, is that the same? I had one relationship before DH where I felt I was totally in love. It wasn't a very long relationship so I don't know if it would have lasted, and I suspect it would not have. He didn't want a normal, stable kind of life. As for if it's good enough for me, I desperately want to make it work, outwardly we are like the perfect family, but obviously I have doubts which is why I posted. DCs are 9 and 7 now.

I was talking about this with friends last night - one girl had just broken up with DP of 4 years and was struggling despite their many arguments/problems.

I think a lot of people do settle. I also think a surprising amount of people do not really know their partner as well as they should to commit for a lifetime. Personally I've been lucky in that DP is my best friend, we've never compromised once and I do have the heart stopping love but that's by no means normal and to be honest I think it's a bit worrying because if something happened to him or we broke up I would probably have a minor breakdown, it can't be healthy to have your entire happiness contingent on one person.

Are you happy? Do these thoughts really bother you a lot and do you think they could one day lead to an affair if you did meet someone you feel the crazy love for?

I'm not sure I had the head over heels thing with my dh either, it just felt right from the very beginning. There was no watching the phone waiting for it to ring, or angst in any way that I can remember. This is exactly why it works, I think? we're incredibly comfortable with each other and there have been no nasty surprises to be learned over the years.

I realise that a lot of people might think that's rather boring, but it works for us and we are happy. No fireworks doesn't equate to no affection or crap sex either. He's a good, kind man with a big heart who would never do anything to deliberately hurt me. These things are far more important to me than being fabulously rich and exciting. He does actually work in an exciting field, as it happens, but it doesn't really impact on me other than periods of 'rest'

I think the grass is only greener over there because more cows shit there

Ah, Captain Corelli's Mandolin. Good quote.

mmm captain corelli's mandolin,

there are a few different wordings, obviosly the Vicar didn't say 'your Mother and i had it'....cuase that would have been just weird!

LOL!

(Apologies for that acronym most hated at MN, but i really did!)

WhatsThatDuck - sibling like - because the sexual relationship has died/they don't share plans for the future etc.....?

as wildstrawberry said, I had those crazy all-consuming loves too and I would have been divorced, miserable and/or abused if I stayed with any of them. It's just sexual and has nothing to do with having a successful marriage and a great partner.

I did not really have the same heart-stopping can't eat-can't sleep feeling towards DH, no. But in no way do I feel like I have therefore settled or given up or been disappointed in love or anything similar. Our relationship just felt right. I had no doubts about marrying him, not for a second did I think that he is somehow second best and I might meet someone truly compatible later. And we are still happy as clams.

is it good enough long term, you ask? But diorama, you are married, happy, you have 2 kids. This is long-term.

If you'd asked me a year ago I'd have said yes, definitely. I was painfully dumped in my late teens and decided that I would never be so emotionally dependent upon another person again, so I married someone I didn't love but liked and got on with. Love grew, but I was never "in love", with my current DP.

Then after 30 years I met someone with whom I fell in love (but didn't have sex with) , someone totally unsuitable, who then trashed my heart & has left me unsatisfied with DP. I hope to get back that loving feeling towards DP, but it'll be hard.

They have had the kids with their DP in the past but now the physical relationship is virtually non-existent.

My partner is away a lot (Army) and when I?m with him, everything is lovely, calm and relaxed. We get on, similar interest, rarely fight, so romantic to me etc.

However, when he?s away, my brain goes into some mad auto-overthink drive and I panic myself that I?m not with the right person. I too have been madly in love before so I know what it?s like but it also ended pretty promptly and I was devastated. I guess I don?t want to risk that happening again.

happiestblonde no I'm not always happy, but I'm an up and down kind of moody cow I'm afraid, so not only to do with my feelings about our marriage I guess. I had a lot of doubts before we married, then we had a good few years, now the last year or so I'm a bit all over the place again. I find that because my moods vary a lot I find my feelings hard to trust - does that make any sense? At times these thoughts do really bother me but I obviously really don't want to get into a situation where I'm considering an affair.

Whatsthatduck that all sounds quite familiar and I'll definitely remember that abou the cow shit.

Fairymist - not in that sense, I most often hear it from people who are still in an 'active' marriage, for want of a better way of describing it. Obviously there are marriages where the sex life has stopped and there are no plans to stay together, but I think sometimes people think that because the strong feelings they felt at the start have diminished, that their relationship is somehow not a marriage any more.

Taghain that sounds so difficult and just makes me realise even more we never know what's going to happen.

ullainga yes we are married with dcs but I'm not old yet and thinking about the next 40 years or whatever. I just hope we are going to be happy together.

Whatsthatduck - cow shit- ha ha, brilliant. I'll remember that one