Has anyone "settled" and it's all turned out ok?

[diorama]

And also, how do you know if you "settled" rather than being madly in love with your spouse?

I don't want to come across as whiny and spoilt, as I have a lovely DH, 2 dcs and a good life. But I can't seem to get rid of ths nagging feeling that my DH and I just kind of drifted into marriage. I've never felt the heart-stopping being in love thing with him. I do love him as in I care deeply about him, I find him physically attractive and I think he's a generally great person. He pisses me off at times too obviously but I know objectively that I'm lucky to have him, when I read on here so many stories of relationship problems. But there's a part of me wondering if I got married too young and if I'm storing up problems for the future.

So is that being in love then? And if not, is it good enough in the long-term? Has anyone married someone they were perhaps not head over heels in love with and stayed together happily for a long time? And one last question, how many people are really in love when they marry?

When I met DH, it felt like an explosion going off - really intense, passionate feelings of being in love. We could barely put eachother down. However, the attraction was not only sexual, because it felt like a meeting of minds. Hence we would stay up for hours discussing everything under the sun, interrupting ourselves only to go back to bed

What was different though, was the feeling of "coming home" and the complete absence of game-playing, of the type that you see in that daft "The Rules" book. If it is possible to feel at ease and completely comfortable with someone you're passionately in love with, then this was it.

I think we are all different, but for me I think anything less than the above would have felt like settling - and I think I'd have come unstuck long before now, as we have been together for over 28 years.

However, I had exes where the physical attraction was enormous, but we would have made hopeless life partners. And boyfriends where there was a meeting of minds, but very little physical chemistry.

And I have a friend who was convinced she had settled, until she had children. She says that seeing what a brilliant father her H turned out to be, made her fall in love with him, possibly for the very first time, hence my belief that we are all different.

How perfect WhenwillIfeelnormal, an explosion....with extras. I would love that. I think what you describe is what most people aim for?

I do feel envious of people who are madly in love with their partners, even though I know on the other hand that there are people who would probably give anything to have what I have.

I am not getting hung up on anything wildstrawberryplace .

"How sad"

Yes, it is sad that people think the butterfly feeling of love doesn't last, if that is your point.

I dont think that it is sad at all either that "people think the butterfly feeling of love doesnt last" because those people still probably feel themselves to be very happy and contented and it is just their own experience of their relationship. It's only sad imo if they are actively unhapy in their relationships.

The emotional high you get when you're first in love has been proven to only last for about 18 months. If you 'lived' like that all the time - in a sex haze you'd go bonkers.

But the fact you still find him physically attractive is great. Storing up problems for later? Well if you're having the same arguments or same type of arguments all the time - which never get resolved, that could bode ill for the future. If you feel resentment a lot of the time - try and get to the root of it, because resentment is really corrosive to a relationship. As long as you're talking and having sex sometimes there can't be much wrong with your relationship though.

Yes Frizzbonce our relationship is basically fine I think, I mean we don't argue that much and if we do it tends to be over silly things like him forgetting I told him I was going out and him being late home making me late etc - that's normal stuff isn't it?

We communicate well most of the time and we are affectionate and intimate. I miss him when he's not around, although I like my own space too. We also both make an effort and are committed to making the relationship work. I guess this is all good.

I wouldn't say I have resentment that I never felt desperately in love with him, more just a sad feeling at times. But reading back what I wrote I do think I have a lot to be thankful for and will stop whining!

My husband and I had a whirlwind romance and were still all over each other all these years on. I dont think you should ever settle. My parents had a whirlwind romance and they have been married 40 years so I 100% believe in not settling.

Think I've read most of the thread, but has anyone dissected exactly what is meant by "settling?" Snowflake implies it somehow means you marry someone who's not right for you, just because they're there and the time's right. I would say it's more about choosing. If her DH and her, and her own parents married after whirlwind romances and it all worked out well long-term, then I would say they've just probably been lucky. I don't think it's generally a good plan.

I chose DH because, as others have said far more lucidly than I can, we just connected on a level I hadn't had before. We were completely comfortable with each other. There was no game-playing along the lines of pretending to be busy to keep him keen etc.. I could tell him exactly how I felt without fear of him running away. He's decent and kind and we share all the same values. If that's "settling" then great.

Love the cow-shit quote (storing up for future use) and the tree-roots.

'Snowflake implies it somehow means you marry someone who's not right for you, just because they're there and the time's right. '

No I mean you should no very soon in to relationship whether you just click, they are perfect for you, you are attracted to them etc. I dont believe at all that someone will grow on you its eitehr very evident from the start or its not right in my eyes.

I agree that in most cases it is not a good idea just to settle down with a random guy and expect him to grow on you. But I also don't believe that a whirlwind romance is the only thing that tells you if you will have a succesful long-term relationship.

Love (lust) at first sight not mean that you definitely will be compatible long term, that you share the same values and ideas about life, the universe and everything, taht he is a decent guy. Sure if you are head over heels in love, you will think it's perfect. But this feeling is incorrect in more cases than not - I've been madly in love more than once and thought that they were the One - I was wrong.

But even though I did not have exactly those "madly in love" crazy feelings in the beginning that I have had with a couple of other men, I knew that my DH was right for me and I definitely don't think I settled.

Well by Snowflake's definition I definitely settled. There was certainly no whirlwind romance.

However now I think the issue is that although I wonder and feel sad about what could have been etc, I don't want to be without DH and the family life we've created together.