super sister in law - so depressing...... any empathy out there?

[Longstocking2]

My sil is over ten years younger than me, has a really impressive career, has one baby and another on the way (it took me forever to have my two) and is more organised than an army of organised people.
we've spent time all together over half term and I feel really winded by it. DH says forget it and is totally down to earth about her and says it's not a competition...

BUT she makes me feel so inadequate. And she is naturally a very competitive person which makes it hard to repress that in me....

we get on quite well but underneath I feel increasingly down about her.

Just wondered if anyone else had had the same thing and got over it!!!

Well if she is competitive she will be comparing herself to you and probably stressing about why she isn't as relaxed and flexible as you! I have a super organised friend with a great career, 2 super polite kids, fitness regime and gorgeous with it. She told my DH one day she wished she could be more like me, more relaxed and fun with kids, less stressed about everything. I would never have imagined she would feel that way!

Hello, yes, I can empathise. Glad your DH is not impressed by her - that's got to be a comfort!

What I would say is no.1 she can't be as super as she makes out if she's all competitive and rubbing everyone's nose in it how fantastic she is. No really secure, genuinely happy person acts like that. Bear in mind also, she's probably knackered trying to keep up the fantastic facade!

No.2 if you felt a bit better about yourself then she couldn't make you feel inadequate. It sounds corny, but, get your paints out and create a masterpiece (if that's your thing). Do a course in something you are good at/ interested in. Get excited about you and your expertise and you won't notice her half as much. Maybe soon she'll be feeling small next to your achievements! (Not that that's the goal here!!)

Maybe even (if you could bear it) get her tips and opinions on things you'd like to do better. This disarms these kind of people and at least gives you something to talk about.

MY SIL pans me in the mothering/wife/home-maker/looks arena.

It used to get me down but.....I realised recently that the rest of the family seek out my company because I can make them laugh and talk to them at adult level whereas she's quite insecure and lacks confidence around them.

We've all got our own strengths and weaknesses - makes the world go round, innit?!

I know, the sort of woman you wish you could hate but she's nice along with all her other bloody virtues! Nature just does deal some people a better hand than others - sickening, but that's life - it's what they do with that hand that matters. She is not a better person because she has more obliging fertility, she's just luckier, and I hope she's wise enough to realise that.

It's hard if your own self-esteem isn't all that high. Do try not to wallow in the feeling you're in a (losing) competition, though. She is who she is, and if she's truly fabulous she'll appreciate who you are, while if she looks down on you she is not a terribly nice person, thus putting you morally one-up!

One day you'll almost certainly find out that there's something she really admires about you. Something, probably, you take for granted and don't particularly admire about yourself. She'll come out with "I think it's amazing how you..." or "My gosh, I wish I could... the way you do" and you'll go "huh? But I always feel inadequate next to you", and you'll have a good laugh about it and she'll tell you about her insecurities.

ps Being younger is not really a good thing, you know. You've had ten years more to learn stuff than she has.

or yeah, what the others said.

Hmm. Apart from the 10 years younger bit, I could be your SIL.

But I can't help being the way I am. I can't help the fact that conceiving babies is really easy (shag once --> pregnant), and nor is giving birth (4 hours first labour, 2 3/4 hours second labour) - although I did lose a baby between those two.

I'm also very organised. It's how my brain is wired. I could no more be disorganised than fly to the moon.

I also have had - over the years - a career that has been much more impressive than my SILs, although mainly because she chose to be a SAHM and I have always been a WOHM. I make no judgements about that, btw - it was what both of us wanted, so we were both lucky that we got what we wanted. My SILs jobs, once she started working, were always about fitting around her DC so that no childcare costs were involved, and she has managed that very successfully. Now her DC are old enough, she has a good job, full-time - although it's probably not one that she might describe as a 'really impressive career'.

I love my SIL and (I hope) she loves me. But a few years ago we went on holiday together - my family and my brother's family, and my dad. And it was bloody awful. It was so clear that I made her feel inadequate. I was not trying to do this in any way, shape or form. She decided that she felt inadequate and couldn't 'compete' - and it was a horrible experience for me to go through as well.

You probably won't believe that, but it is absolutely true, and it spoilt my holiday - I spent the time trying not to be organised, trying not to make her feel inadequate, with the consequence that I had no idea how to behave on my own holiday.

Because I can't help being the way I am! (Although I tried bloody hard, I can assure you)

You say she is very competitive, but actually it does sound like you're the one trying to compete, in a situation where competition is totally unnecessary.

So I have empathy for your situation, although clearly I'm on the 'other side'!

Try and picture things from your SIL's perspective if you can.

great burst of good rational sense from all posts for me. Many thanks!

I think it is all about her and my self esteem etc. I've been the only SIL and provider of gc for my lovely inlaws and have enjoyed that special position for a very long time. Suddenly feeling less special is a shock and of course not really true either. They are very fair people.

I think I feel that she is not only more beloved but so much more impressive than me that I don't have a role anymore.

And becauseimworthit very good points. We have a real laugh together and work very well as sils and I'm not a moper or a sulker at all! I think appearances are of two happy comfortable women. DH who is v rational generally assures me of this.

It's the fact that she's ubermum as well that makes it harder and much more like my mil in that way. I suppose I feel not only supplanted but outclassed in every aspect of life. pathetic I know, but I know I have self esteem issues....! It's just great to hear you're not alone in an experience. I'm not asking for sympathy, just empathy!

I think you're right that it's about your self esteem. Some great words of advice/wisdom from other posters too!

and doodlez I know what you mean, I do have my role and am v close to the wider family. She is also fairly controlling and her organisation can verge on the manic even over simple plans for lunch. She drives dh crazy in that respect as does his m.
So no one's perfect of course.

and vis a vis looking at it from her point of view, although she likes me I think she must look at me and think I'm nice and all but a loser, not in a nasty way, she just is the way she is. She admires people like her, you can tell what she thinks by everything she says! She likes me and all and we have a good laugh but she doesn't respect me much I don't think. Except at Triv, she's rubbish at triv.... terrible general knowledge just between me and you of course!

you should never forget too that how we see ourselves is NEVER how others see us.
I see myself as quite funny but shy, indecisiive, disorganised, a bit crass and not very smart - although some common sense. I fret about meeting up to other peoples standards. Then DH comes home and say ' I have invited x over but be nice - his wife is really scared of you' or someone else says 'can you help me with that, you are always so helpful and on top of things'
and I just sit there wondering who they can be talking about.

As someone else said, she probably has a vision of you as this uber cool ralexed easy going woman and wishes she could letthings go a bit.

In my case I was fearfully organised and in control right up to the early stages of my depression.
Things are seldom as they seem

interestingly both she and i are from divorced families and I think have both loved to be part of a real happy family with massively loving and supportive parents. I think I have been really spoilt and maybe because of my rocky start, I depended on my unique place more than I realised. It's all salutary stuff!

you know the more I think about it, the more I think it's about a kind of sibling rivalry for our inlaws affection. Certainly unconscious on both parts largely I suspect! We both had really really rubbish fathers and fil is like the wonderful father figure you would design in fictional form, not at all perfect of course but strong loving, dependable, committed, nothing's ever too much trouble, proper pater familias. So it's a little bit of who's the beloved one I think.

A friend of mine is ubermum - young, slim, gorgeous, 3 kids, gets pregnant by glancing at her partner etc etc.

She always seems happy, on the go, countless new projects.

I discovered after knowing her a bit longer that she has struggled massively with PND. She sets herself such high standards that she has to regiment herself within an inch of her life. She is therefore always exhausted but is incapable of showing others any imperfection so holds it all in, showing a happy face.

The fact that no contraception seems to work for her has put a big strain on her relationship etc etc etc.

You never really know what goes on behind closed doors. People who seem perfect often find it very hard to show others they're having problems. If she's competitive, she's even less likely to let on. So she may have all sorts of issues you don't know about.

I can't abide competitive people. My ex BIL was like that and I am glad I'm not around him. But it was like water on a duck's back to my ex, who was the elder child.

Be happy with who you are OP and noone can make you feel inadequate. What would make you feel better?

My SIL has twins and a 4 yr old. All boys.

They all sleep 7am to 7pm and always have....
She is also a school governor.

My DD is 8.5 months and still wakes 6 times a night. And poor at napping too.

Everyone says oh doesn't X do a good job with the twins?

Meanwhile I am tearful and on anti depressants still trying to figure out where I am going wrong.

She barks at me well have you done this? That? When I say yes, she just shrugs as if I am lying.

Everyone has given excellent advice. I'd say that having two children is a HUGE step after having one, so she is about the be tested on that front.

I also second the comments from others that you really don't know what goes on behind closed doors and people who are uber controlling are often very difficult to live with and often very brittle. Those I know like that often lack a sense of humour and are terminally dull.

Focus on your own family and keep doing what you are doing - your DH sounds very happy. Thats a major plus for you as you make your way in life.

Littlebear,

Hang on in there. My first DS was a handful and took it out of me. I had friends whose children were progressing 'by the book'.

Fast forward and my DS is off to Uni,a bright and well-balanced individual, happy in himself. Some of those 'perfect' children' are drop outs - their parents divorced and are now drifting through life.

Trust your instincts and be a good Mum to your child. You will get there in the end, just in your own way, which is the best for your child.

Ignore the 'perfects' - life is never that straightforward.

Littlebear,

Hang on in there. My first DS was a handful and took it out of me. I had friends whose children were progressing 'by the book'.

Fast forward and my DS is off to Uni,a bright and well-balanced individual, happy in himself. Some of those 'perfect' children' are drop outs - their parents divorced and are now drifting through life.

Trust your instincts and be a good Mum to your child. You will get there in the end, just in your own way, which is the best for your child.

Ignore the 'perfects' - life is never that straightforward.

Thanks Gonesouth. That's really comforting.

My mum went through this with her SIL, although her SIL was a bit arrogant as well. My mum did have self esteem issues as well.

I have a friend very like this and I always feel completely crappy in the mothering stakes compared to her, but as DH says I am a different person with different skills.
And she can't do an impersonation of Kate Bush singing with Barry Mannilow and make up the dodgy lyrics while pretending to play piano, which I can...so she cooks the dinners and I do the after dinner silly things.

lol Miggsie.

Littlebear ditto what Gonesouth said. DS1 was the nightmare baby, cried all the time, had eternal colic, but he is so bright it's unreal. Now he's 13 and top of the class. E.g. he started a new school due to a move and did French for a few weeks, others had done it in year 7 too, he's top! I wish I'd stuck in more like him but he's had encouragement, I didn't.

Anyway not saying your dc will be a genius but I have often found that friends with 'difficult' babies say the same, they are bored because they're always wanting to learn. Ignore your SIL she should be encouraging you. Surround yourself with those who make you feel good. That's one thing I've learnt in life and I'm an old crow

Glad OP is getting good advice too. I'm rather slatternly but it doesn't bother me when others aren't. We're all different

Thanks too Curiousmama. Nanny nicknames her Duracell as she doesnt ever stay still. Tries to rock high chairs and escape from her bouncer. She is only little (25th centile) but has always been strong willed, crawling at 6 months etc.
Perhaps she is a clever little thing!!

I've recently gone through this a little bit - dh's brother has just got married. I know they are going to have kids quickly - and I had such a pang of sadness that I'm going to be 'surplanted' when the next baby comes along. Like you, my PIL are fab, and I know that lots of it is just a sort of sibling jealousy (PIL also only have boys, so there's even more competition there to be the surrogate daughter)

Agree with lots of other posters points:

• People rarely see themselves as you see them. We had a class night out recently and I was asked to do something as I'm "the organised, efficient one". I nearly fell off my chair- as far as I'm concerned, I'm utterly chaotic.

• You are almost certainly projecting a lot of emotion onto her - you FEEL she judges you and competes with you ... but does she really?

• I like the idea of complementing her. Uber achievers are (imo) often desperate for approval. Once she knows she has it, she may well relax a bit

• If all else fails, remember it is much easier to be uber-mum with one child. Give it 6 months ...