Help me deal with the OW please!

[thatsnotmyfruitshoot]

Found about H and OW's ongoing affair a year ago and H and we split as a result. I never contacted OW when I found out, even though I did know her, I wanted to retain some dignity at the time.

Now she's more openly on the scene and having regular contact with my dc's. We've still had no contact, but I've heard from a mutual friend that she's saying some unkind and untrue things about me - it makes my blood boil, and is also very upsetting as it seems so unnecessarily vindictive on her part.

It doesn't sit right with me that people can behave like this without any comeback, but I just can't think how to deal with it without creating the confrontation I've tried to avoid all along. I also don't actually want a hostile relationship with her and H if it can be avoided, but I'm not sure what choice I have given the situation. Can anyone offer any advice please??

Well done on keeping a dignified silence this far, it can't have been easy. I still think thats the way to go here. As far as you know, the ow has not been nasty to your face, or to your children. I wonder what benefit your mutual friend is getting from this dual aspect? Is she pulling the ow up on these comments as she relays them?

Silence is best, if ow wants a reaction, dont give her one. I wonder about the mutual friend though. Do you trust her?

I recognise you and remember your story. I'm so pleased to read on other threads that you're happier now.

What is she saying about you then? And like perfumed says, how is this friend dealing with it?

Thanks perfumed, it isn't easy. It goes against every instinct I have, but I'm glad I've managed so far.

Mutual friend is male, and I do trust him. He's said to her that he would prefer it if she didn't talk about me any longer, as he feels uncomfortable. He hadn't mentioned anything to me until very recently, and didn't do it to stir me up iyswim.

I think it bothers me because she obviously has a big influence on H, and this is affecting the tiny amount of goodwill there is left between us. She's made up her mind about me, and I hear it in the comments H makes when we speak. I suppose it's in her interest to paint me as a vicious ex, even if I'm not, otherwise it exposes her behaviour for what it really was

AS hard as it is, I think you should hang on to your dignified silence

No good will come of trying to respond to her taunts

Just put it down to her chickens coming to roost or summat

perhaps all is not rosy in the ExDH/OW fantasy ? Real life kicking in is it ?

Boo Fucking Hoo

But stay quiet, they will do your job for you, believe me

And if this mutual friend is rather enjoying sprreading some shit to get a reaction, I would cut her out too

ok, mutual friend sounds ok (x posted)

but the rest still stands

Id say nothing too , although i too would be a little about this mutual freind . I would challenge any unpleasant remarks about any of my freinds in this manner , or i would state that it makes me uncomfortable or something.

I would question why ow feels its acceptable to bitch about you to someone whos meant to be a freind. And well done for keeping a dignified silence so far .

The fact she is bad mouthing you speaks volumes. The idyllic romance must have a tarnish on it now. Otherwise, why bother about you?

Silence is golden. And the next time mutual friend conveys some tittle tattle, smile enigmatically and say ' Wow, ow seems really rather obesses with me, no?' Then change the subject.

Good on you, dont give her it.

Ive got to get quicker at typing , sorry missed that about your freind . Id still say nothing , as you say its in her interests to paint you this way , and as annoying as it is , who gives a fuck what these two think ?

Your real freinds know the truth and anyone else doesnt matter . Let her carry on , and let your exh and everyone else see her for what she is.

You've done really well so far I'm really struggling to stay dignified since I found out about ow 3 weeks ago! Continue to be dignified and don't drop a notch nearer her level. What goes round comes round.

Thanks wwifn, you were really helpful on my threads last year, I'm glad you remember!

The comments are mainly to do with how I'm lazy, sponge off my ex while they fund my lavish lifestyle etc. It stings because (without going into detail which may out me) my circumstances are currently so complicated, going back to my old job is impossible, much as I'd absolutely love to do it. She's well aware of my reasons, but is twisting it to suit her agenda.

I think the bitterness is because OW is realising that the catch she thought she had landed in H, isn't so wealthy once maintenance has come out of his salary!

On another level, it fascinates me that she's so interested in me, and feels the need to discuss me (I rarely ever talk about her any more) I wonder if she maybe feels threatened in some way.

good point madam

and of course, she has to paint OP as a nutter (or whatever) because that is how she justifies doing what she did

oh, I love it when those rose-tinted spectacles come off, desperation kicking in here

I expect she is detecting some ambivalence in your ExH and needs to slag you off

goody

Lots of x posts, thanks everyone. I think I knew the answer but it's so bloody difficult while I feel angry.

Madam, I actually thought of the very same thing this morning - it seems illogical that you'd be married for so long, and then do such an about turn on how you feel, particularly if you weren't the injured party.

Despite what happened, I still don't feel comfortable with people slagging H off in front of me - he was the person I chose to be with for a third of my life, after all.

AF, how I hope you're right. He can be such an idiot at times, she's bound to have spotted it by now. And I won't even get started on the iffy hygiene habits she might have to put up with.. I can't help but

she is his problem now

obviously

at iffy hygeine habits. Its my bet too that things are less than wonderfull . I think bitching about you is just a distraction .

Agree entirely with AF and dignified as usual!

psst, hissy, where is your Bommy Night name ?

If I had to guess, I'd say that in addition to the sudden realisation that the "prize" she won has (smelly) feet of clay, she is one of these idiot women who believe that now you've got a new partner, you don't need as much money from hers . I bet she's also quite jealous that you're happy and settled, loved-up with a new man and have good friends who are loyal to you.

It's a strange phenomenon when an OW has to hate the woman she colluded in deceiving. If she was truly at peace with her own behaviour and her own relationship, she wouldn't need to be doing these things. Meanwhile, she has bought all your H's justifications hook, line and sinker and pretends that he will never do this to her.

But he will, as you know.

You are truly having the last laugh here, but my only note of caution is if you ever hear about her bad-mouthing you to your DCs when she is in their company. I can't remember their ages, but if you ever feel she is poisoning their minds too, I'd have to confront that situation, either with her or your H.

yes, badmouthing you to your kids or badmouthing them = all gloves are off

WWIFN, I think you're right (again.) I'm always suspicious of anyone bitchy - it says so much about their own insecurities if they need to badmouth others. I would steam straight in if there's a hint that the dc's are involved, btw. They are probably too small to be aware at the moment.

I've offered to move to a smaller house to reduce the mortgage (ours is too big, and I want the fresh start anyway) but H isn't keen,and seems to want to carry on paying a fortune to keep us here. I bet he hasn't told her that. I think he's using the reason of having to support me financially as an excuse to carry on doing all the ridiculous work stuff he secretly loves.

I think she's also found it difficult that his large family continue to be very loyal to me and haven't gone out of their way to welcome her at all. Possibly it's burst her bubble a bit.

It's also telling that there is obviously some need to supply excitement to the relationship - they've been on so many trips, adventure challenges etc this year, it's possibly plugging the gap which the adrenaline rush of having an affair previously filled.

Feeling a bit better now, it's obviously all just part two of the whole script..!!

AF that is funny!! LOVE IT!!!! You know I think it brings out the colour in your eyes...

I noticed you'd whipped off your scary and YOU personally had me scuttling back to MyMumsnet to lose the fangs...

Off into the Mumsnet Changing rooms, back in a tick....

Ta-dah! How do I look?