Anyone else ever been too "scared" to talk to their partner about anything to do with their "relationship"?

[arabella2]

Because that is how I feel. As if I have to sort out anything I think dh is annoyed about before I can broach any of our issues. And we do have issues because our "relationship" is really a non-relationship with no affection, whether verbal or physical and I think a lot of resentment. We rumble along okay during the weekend but at weekends dh is often difficult, critical and negative towards me and I find myself behaving like a shadow of a person. We have three children who are 4, 6 and 8.... So I know I should talk to him about how I feel but am too worried his reaction might be very negative and so I never do it :(. We both live for the kids but at 41 I don't know if I can spend the next 15 odd years doing only that but feeling disliked by my supposed partner. I gather that in other more successful relationships, people talk about themselves and how they are getting on and what they feel about important things????

Maybe write him a letter? Sometimes it is easier to write and read things that are difficult to say and hear.

I am not sure what you want to "talk" about, tbh

He is showing you, on a daily basis, what kind of man he is and holding your future up in front of your eyes in all its miserableness

It seems if he makes it so difficult to "talk" he is not up for changing, nor accepting any responsibility in making you happy and secure, so the ball is in your court

Live like this...or don't

I get you.

However, if you don't talk about it, nothing will ever get sorted out - in fact, it will only get worse.

It's easy to think that if you don't talk about it, somehow you can 'sweep it under the carpet' - but that won't work.

And, to be really honest, it's not fair that your children should grow up seeing an adult relationship playing itself out like this. They deserve to see adults in a loving relationship, expressing affection for each other.

To answer original question, no, not scared to talk to husband about anything-why would I be?

OP-what do you think he will do if he hears something that he doesn´t like?

When you say you are worried his reaction might be very negative what do you mean ? That he will be abusive or that he will tell you something you dont want to hear like he doesnt love you ?

He sounds rather like my xh and a year later I am so happy not trying to be the person I thought he wanted and just being me not a shadow of myself.

Thanks for answers. Sorry, meant we rumble along okay during the week and then get on worse at the weekend. I think that if I told him what was really on my mind he would become cross and throw in my face all that he considers to be my cardinal sins. I think it would quickly turn into an argument. I could wait until he is in a really good mood but on those days I normally just enjoy the good mood iyswim. On a really good mood day I am going to suggest counselling (first I have to research where etc....) but my guess is that he will say no as he has been contemptuous of the idea of counselling in the past. I guess we are both so used to feeling uncared about that it has become the norm. We both love the kids loads. The other thing about this situation is that while I appreciate some aspects of dh's personality, there are others which I really don't and I don't know whether he would be able to change those - eg. tendency to being short-tempered and very bossy.

Sometimes you just need to have the argument.

gettingeasier, I think I am more afraid that he is going to be unpleasant rather than him saying he doesn't love me - I assume he doesn't most of the time anyway. The thing is that were we to separate we both have soooo much to lose in family terms.... It doesn't help that at my age I feel that my appearance is changing and that nobody else is ever going to fancy me either. It's possible I make him feel the same way by the way. He is 12 and a half years older than me and one of our issues is that he is in some ways a strict father figure - maybe that's why I got together with him in the first place almost 15 years ago??? Though there have always been ups and downs, there was more affection at first.

It's true spidookly, we do need to have the argument but don't know if I have the strength!

arabella2 - I get you, mainly because I find myself in a similar position with my DH. Whenever I try to talk he manipulates the situation until it becomes my fault and I don't need that.

Well do you have the strength for a separation? because that seems to be where you're heading with this if you don't talk

Arabella,

re your comment:-

"The thing is that were we to separate we both have soooo much to lose in family terms.... It doesn't help that at my age I feel that my appearance is changing and that nobody else is ever going to fancy me either".

Your family unit is broken and has been broken for years now; what else is there to lose. Would he really care if a split happened?. He is no father to these children and certainly no husband to you. All he cares about is him.

You are certainly not too old to start again; infact you are now stopping you from potentially meeting someone else in the longer term.

I remember your postings from before hence the above. This has been rumbling on now for years; nothing has changed and for you its got worse. Your children are being affected by all this discord between their parents; they do not need or warrant such in their lives.

This is no relationship model for your children to be witnessing either; you are both teaching these children damaging lessons here. How would you feel if your children went onto have a relationship like the one you're currently in?. Devastated?. But currently you are both teaching them that this current intolerable situation is acceptable.

Oh Arabella, I feel for you I really do. I have had phases (short ones, thankfully) where our existence has been some of what you describe. I too found it difficult, despite 13 years and 2 kids to address it... I used to kind of "say my bit" and then he would settle down and just be back to normal. Then a few weeks later he would start up again - mostly just very childish and intolerant of me and DC for no apparent reason.

However, we had a particular (short lived) outburst from him in the summer about something really quite petty - it wasn't directed at me, as such, but it kind of summed up a lot about his general attitude etc. I hit the roof, he left for work and I then sent a LONG email, got it all off my chest about the disrespect, the childish trantrums etc etc.

He accepted what I said, and was quite mortified I think.

And it has to be said, since then, he has been SO MUCH BETTER. I don't think he realised how demoralising his behaviour could be when he was in one of his moods. Occasionally we get a glimmer, but he realises and can pretty much stop/take deep breath/ think/ respond accordingly.... and NOT be childish and in a complete tantrum about one spot of dog hair left on the floor (IYSWIM).

This sounds quite familiar to my situation. H has refused, the entire marriage, to discuss things regarding our relationship. I hope you can find a solution to this communication problem, if that is what it is. It wears you down not being able to be open with someone who is supposed to be your partner. It is like you have to be someone you are not and put on an act. You also get very frustrated, and it gets you down in the end (unless you can totally accept this is the way he will stay), as in my experience, you will just carry on hitting your head against a brick wall. Sorry to be negative. That is just my experience. I hope he will decide to 'hear' you, and things improve.

Sometimes it is your partner refusing, sometimes it is a reluctance to involve or deal with potential conflict. I share this with you. At difficult times I have written him notes and it has worked.

But you do need to talk and put things on a better footing. What do you have to lose? Only your chains, in the worst case scenario.

btw, no way have you lost your looks at 41. That is young! It's having a smile on your face that makes you look attractive.

Thanks for your last posts attila, anonymousbird, fairymist and alfreda. Are you still with your husband fairymist - if so, do you have other friends you can be more open / emotionally intimate with? I find that however much I have friends, everyone still spends weekends with their own partners.... Thanks for your comments re looks alfreda - makes me feel better as have only been noticing what I don't like, in the mirror! I'm glad your long email worked anonymousbird - I too sometimes think that dh just doesn't realise how annoying I often find him! I agree attila that I would not want my kids to have the same relationship as we do at the moment but I disagree that we have nothing to lose - well maybe personally I don't in terms of my relationship with dh, but to break our kids up from their mum and dad together all the time, would be devastating.

And I'm pretty sure that if push came to shove dh would make an effort to meet me somewhere (if not in the middle), just scared of that push!

Arabella,

Yes but would he meet you half way?. Purely going on what you have written about him in the past its his way or no way. You won't push him either but I don't think its just a question of you giving him the nudge to start with. You are both fundamentally incompatible and its not working. You are in a failing marriage here.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

Arabella - this is no relationship model to show your children is it?. Staying with him for the sake of the children is rarely if ever a good idea. When your children grow up and leave home what then for you?. They won't thank you for staying with their Dad if you were to stay with him purely and only because of them. They will be devastated that you stayed with him purely because of them and will come to realise that your relationship with your H was built on a pretence. They will wonder why you bothered with him for so long and could even accuse you of putting him before them!. Is that what you want?. This is no legacy to leave these children, it truly is not. You run a severe risk of all the above happening to you in years to come if you decide to do nothing.

Better to be apart and happier than to be together and miserable in my view. Children are perceptive, they know when parents are deeply unhappy with each other and they see your own unhappiness daily. The unspoken stuff they pick up is powerful, they see and hear all.

They are learning about relationships from you both, what are you BOTH teaching them here?. Two words suffice - damaging lessons.

Yes, the problem is I can't see the wood for the trees. Dh is quite uncompromising by nature but then I have withdrawn from him so much emotionally that I don't know what he would be like if I were a whole lot nicer to him. I'm not actively negative like he is but I dissasociate (spelling?) myself a lot. I have heard before that parents who split when the kids leave home lead to the latter thinking that everything was false and that therefore every memory is kind of built on a sham. No I wouldn't want them to have an emotionally distant relationship with any partner... which is why counselling or at the least talking is the only way forward. Yes maybe we are incompatible but I don't know if he wouldn't be as sometimes intolerant of any other partner as he is of me. In general he is unhappy in his life work, stress and moneywise, and this has been going on for so long that I forget sometimes that this is still the case. It's true that I have been writing about the same kinds of things on mumsnet for ages now... what I don't understand is why I never even try to talk to dh about it?

Arabella, this is where I was, with the same crappy so-called relationship and a man who took every attempt by me to bring up things that made me unhappy as a personal insult to him, got angry, accused me of a shopping list of flaws and faults, and finally made me feel as if I was being destroyed.

I tried the discussions. I tried the letters. I begged him to come to counselling. I tried basically to clap with one hand, because he wasn't interested. The slightest peep out of me set him off. He made it clear that he did not welcome my input, my thoughts, my feelings. He was and is an angry, miserable, blaming, walking, talking, inadequate little ball of self pity and hostility.

I disassociated my 'self' a lot -- yes I know what you mean here, not actively negative, but I grew a second skin of numbness so that it was possible to get through the weeks, deal with the children and try to he a half way decent mum.

Make your preparations and prepare yourself to separate. I think you are very right to be unsure what else there is inside him besides what you are experiencing day to day, week to week. It gets to be very soul destroying. You don't talk because deep down you know he will probably take it the wrong way and turn it all back on you.

I have long periods where I feel like DH and I are distant, he doesn't understand me, I get annoyed by every little thing he does.

But then something small can make a big difference. It's interesting you say about physical contact. Sometimes I go up to DH when he's on the computer, say, and say, "I'd like a hug." Positively, not whining! He'll say, "Would you?" and I'll nod and say, "Yep" and I'll get my hug.

I think Talks about Our Relationship can instantly put some ppl on the defensive. But if you can find some positive way to make a change, then he'll feel good about himself and how he's helped you. Think about something you'd like him to do, then tell him. "You know, I'd really like it if you gave me a kiss when you leave the house." There's one I could use with DH!

You do have to say it when things are going well, though, so that it doesn't come out as a complaint!

I had the deep meaningfull conversation this morning after a long fraught weekend. It was good to say the things I wanted to as i felt unloved and unappreciated. My DH works away all week and just home at weekends. Haven't heard from him all day, so think i maybe said too much. Was feeling really emotional at the time, and didn't want to discuss it at the time, but he pushed me and then when i asked for his comments he just said he had a lot to think about and left for the week. Choose your moment carefully.

arabella2 - I posted this reply on another website by mistake, although it might have been appropriate. You feel better during the week - because you are not around your partner - and you are not so affected by him, unlike the weekends when you have to 'Shut Down' to get through.

No, unfortunately, in RL, I do not, honestly, have friends to open up to. I am seeing a counsellor - which is a support to me.