Anyone else ever been too "scared" to talk to their partner about anything to do with their "relationship"?

[arabella2]

Because that is how I feel. As if I have to sort out anything I think dh is annoyed about before I can broach any of our issues. And we do have issues because our "relationship" is really a non-relationship with no affection, whether verbal or physical and I think a lot of resentment. We rumble along okay during the weekend but at weekends dh is often difficult, critical and negative towards me and I find myself behaving like a shadow of a person. We have three children who are 4, 6 and 8.... So I know I should talk to him about how I feel but am too worried his reaction might be very negative and so I never do it :(. We both live for the kids but at 41 I don't know if I can spend the next 15 odd years doing only that but feeling disliked by my supposed partner. I gather that in other more successful relationships, people talk about themselves and how they are getting on and what they feel about important things????

ginagee, are you also arabella2? Or am i verylostinafrica?!

Anyway, arabella2, I hope you're not listening to ppl telling you to separate after reading 1 paragraph of your situation. Sounds to me like you need some quality time together away from normal life. Can you leave the kids with someone for a weekend and have some time to remember what you used to see in each other?

Thanks everybody for your messages. Well, I have been reading some threads on the lone parents board which have been scaring the life out of me... Separating is definitely not an option for me as I cannot imagine the devastating pain (for both myself and dh) of not being with my dc when they are ill for example etc... It seems that there is no guarantee of being the main carer in cases of divorce and so 50/50 shared parenting sometimes takes place where you would just see your kids so little it's not true! On the other hand, who would I be to deny my dh so much of our children if I became the main carer?? Kind of a weird reason to decide I have to make the best of things because I think I do... I don't think our relationship will ever be the best of the century but it can be better than it is now - maybe at some point I will try to organise a weekend away with dh lostinafrica - you never know he might go for it even though at the moment he only wants to do things with the kids. I do need to sort out the way he behaves at the weekends because I really don't like it but I somehow (having decided that separation is just not an option) feel calmer about it, as if I am in a stronger position for some reason. I know we are not love's young dream but we have the most amazing (to me :)) children together and a lot to be happy about and I am going to concentrate on that. I might also, fairymist, go and see a counsellor at some point. I think my life with dh is one thing but that doesn't cover the "whole" of me and there are lots of other thoughts and ideas I would like to explore. Thanks again.

I hope, as lostinafrica says, in your situation you are two people who have drifted apart and communication can be improved.

I hope so too fairymist. I don't feel like being physically close to him at all but you never know, that might change if we get on better. I wish you all the best.

This programme might be of interest if you're committed to doing your best for the relationship. While it's RC in tone and origins, all are welcome -- don't be put off by the RCness, is what I'm suggesting here. The programme basically gives couples who have become distant, 'separate under the same roof', tools for communication and a support group that is marriage friendly. It involves a weekend retreat and then several follow up meetings on weekends.

Thank you mathanxiety - it looks interesting. Have you taken part? I think dh would faint if he thought he had to go to something like that but I think things like that are a good idea. The idea that you learn how to communicate rather than just expecting it magically to happen. Especially difficult when you are bringing all your baggage from your childhood and previous relationships to the current one and the other person has no idea where your attitudes, defense mechanisms, sulks etc... are coming from.

arabella,

I take my hat off to you for trying to save this but tbh I think you are flogging a dead horse here. You write this is a non relationship with no affection. You have written about your marriage now for a long time, you've tried talking but he is patently not bothered to try and do any legwork here to improve things. His attitude towards you is all too clear.

Everyone has different experiences on the lone parents thread and what is written there (and I note you've picked up on all the "negative" stuff may not actually apply to yourself). Again you are placing obstacles in your way.

Do you feel you not matter at all, is this man all you truly deserve?. Your own past baggage is playing a role here; you're now trying to seek his approval.

Your children won't ultimately thank you for staying with such an individual; both of you are imparting damaging lessons about relationships to these young people. You would really feel devastated (that word again) if they accused you of putting him before them and learnt that you only stayed for them. Its not fair either to impose such adult responsibilities and decisions onto them.

I did take part, but exH turned out to be very confused about his sexual orientation, so communication wasn't the main problem with us.

The programme felt strange as it required us to write form letters to each other, set aside time to write and read the letters each day, and really listen to each other, alternating turns. A bit forced, therefore, but the wisdom underneath it was obvious, because communication doesn't happen automatically, and when it leaves the building it's hard to switch it back on without a model to work on.

The initial weekend retreat that we went on featured the mentor couples telling the story of their relationships up to that point. Then we spent time learning to write the letters and to listen and show interest. On the follow up weekends we went through personality assessments, looking at our families of origin, many other forensic type exercises, as well as doing the letter-writing. The idea was to open up to each other, rekindle the art of talking to each other, find the spark that brought you together in the first place. The programme also offered the chance after all the meetings were over to attend gatherings of other couples committed to their marriages, so very committment-friendly and with good will on both sides I think it would be a good idea.

I got the impression that some of the husbands had been dragged kicking and screaming there, and it's not for every relationship -- a no, no if there's ever been DV for instance, and obviously nothing could have salvaged my particular relationship. But the men who spoke were impressive, and you could see even the reluctant husbands pricking up their ears.

Yes. Eventually it ground me down so much I
left. There is no positive outcome in those circumstances. I wish you well.

I had been ground down too, so much so that even without finding out what I eventually found out about exH, the ship was headed for the rocks.