Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Men, porn etc

31 replies

sanebrain · 31/10/2010 20:47

In a strange place mentally at the moment and wondering what others think.
Have a lovely DP, 2 kids, affectionate, supportive, etc. However, he likes to masturbate, probably more than we have sex, and uses porn.
I know enough to know that men enjoy both pursuits, however, it leaves me feeling undermined and lacking. He probably masturbates once a day; not sure how often he uses porn. We manage sex once/twice a week (I would like more, but he worries about the kids being around/waking up, is tired as is busy at work...).
In summary - how are you all feeling about it? living with it? etc??
We are able to talk about it, he sees it as very seperate and as an easy way... he assures me that it's not because we have a problem. But for me, in previous relationships, we have made this a part of our relationship. He is less confident about doing this, and feels some things are private.
I appreciate this, and understand it, but it makes me anxious now. Had bad experience with ex-H who would masturbate in bed to help him sleep but no contact between us.. but then it turns out he was unhappy and we split... so this probably hangs over me a bit.
Anyway - just wandering what you think/your experiences.

OP posts:
Original poster
sanebrain · 31/10/2010 20:55

Is it a matter of, men wank get over it?

OP posts:
mamas12 · 31/10/2010 21:02

omg you need to get him to talk to you about this more.
Get your point over that you are not okay with it and can you discuss and change it so that both of you are happy with it.

EricNorthmansMistress · 31/10/2010 21:03

The amount that people like to masturbate is, generally, their own business. If a person masturbates exclusively and refuses their partner sex, that is a problem. Masturbation alongside a healthy sex life is really fine. I think the idea of introducing porn to your sex life together, if that's what you both want, is also separate from this issue. I really object to the idea that anyone has the right to interfere with another person's wanking life! It's not about you, at least it doesn't sound like it is at all - it usually isn't about the partner.

Original poster
sanebrain · 31/10/2010 21:07

We are doing that, but I also want to be balanced about it.
A mixture of growing up in a remote spot, not getting out to date after school, travelling a lot for work have established the pattern.
I guess I just want to be realistic about it, but at the moment I'm paranoid and anxious, and know that that comes from me.
Thanks for replying - reassuring to know someone is looking.

OP posts:
Original poster
sanebrain · 31/10/2010 21:10

Thanks EricNM - I agree with you, which is why I want a bit of perspective on it. He doesn't refuse sex; sometimes is a tired, or anxious that the kids might wake up etc. They are young and wander about.
I don't want to interfere with it, but I want to feel better about it. Came home the other day to find him hastily fastening up flies... made me feel uncomfortable... and as said, trying to get a bit of perspective.

OP posts:
SolidButShamblingUndeadBrass · 31/10/2010 21:11

Well, there is a problem if you are feeling neglected and he is choosing to wank over porn rather than have sex with you.
This is quite different to the bloke who wanks rather than pressure his DP for sex when she is ill/tired or just has a lower libido.
It's possible that your DP has a particular sexual fetish that either you don't like or he thinks you won't like it so he is too ashamed/embarrased to tell you about it. Obviously you shouldn't feel obliged to take part in sexual activity you don't like but it might easily be tht he is the one who's embarrassed and uptight over something that's harmless and which you might well enjoy. So it is probably worth having a chat with him about favourite fantasies and unusual things you might like to try.
The other option is that he is being a bit lazy and selfish, and prefers a quick toss in order to have an orgasm, rather than having to put in some effort into making sure that you have an orgasm too.

dignified · 31/10/2010 21:16

Why is he worried about the kids waking up / disturbing you when you having sex , but not worried about them disturbing his wanking ?

Ive got mixed feelings about porn personally , from the issues it raises for the women involved in it , and also because wanking to it can be so much easier than having to make an effort with a real life person where you have to interact with them.

Original poster
sanebrain · 31/10/2010 21:20

It can be a bit of a taboo topic, and I think he worries about talking about it. I am generally open and open minded and he knows this.
I do feel a bit lacking in confidence at the moment ( had baby 5 months ago, not feeling at my physical best). DP assures me that he loves me and finds me attractive. He did say he's maybe a bit lazy; he's feeling out of shape etc. But I think that it is part of his life, for want of a better way of putting it.
I'm not anti masturbation, by the way, just trying to get a balanced view, and I also asked about other's experience.

OP posts:
ScaryFucker · 31/10/2010 21:24

I agree with dignified

he tosses off to porn when the kids are around presumably [hhmm]

tbh, if my kids were to interrupt anything I would rather it was mummy and daddy having a kiss'n'cuddle than daddy having a pull to god-knows-what

I have been through the little-kids-wandering-stage and am now in the teenagers finely-tuned-hearing stage

but there are ways and means to keep your sexlife ticking over...you just get more inventive

and agreeing to what makes you both comfortable is a massive part of that

in your situation, I don't think you could be accused of being the "wank-police" to ask why he pulls one off to porn daily, but can't get up the energy/inclination to make sure his wife gets one too

Original poster
sanebrain · 31/10/2010 21:28

Thanks SF.. reason he is a bit anxious about the kids is that my first is from previous marriage, so he is sensitive to her seeing anything inappropriate. I don't think this is an excuse; and our 5 month old is his first, and first experience of such small children.
But I think you have a point around finding the energy, making the effort. And I have a role in that too. (PS like the witchy quizzical icon).

OP posts:
ScaryFucker · 31/10/2010 21:35

sb, he is to be applauded for being sensitive to your first born's needs

that goes without saying

but you know what, mummy having a cuddle under the bedclothes with her long-term fella (if she thinks of him like that) is ok

even if she were to walk in, it isn't the end of the world if you are discreet

I remember a time my 10 yo walked in unexpectedly and my head appeared from under the duvet saying "blimey, I've lost my earring"

you see what I am saying ?

he has no reason to prioritise the way he does, and in your situation, I would be pinning him down as to why

Original poster
sanebrain · 31/10/2010 21:37

Thanks SF - good food for thought, and may be a way in to the next conversation.

OP posts:
ScaryFucker · 31/10/2010 21:39

I hope this thread helps you, love x

dignified · 31/10/2010 21:41

Its nice he has the time to veiw porn and to have a daily wank with a 5 month old baby ! Presumably your looking after baby and running round the house while hes doing this.

Bit unfair i think , and id hope if hes veiwing porn on line hes very very carefull with it especially if your older child is old enough to use the pc.

Is your sex life good in general when you find time ? I ask because my ex , who was a wanker ( in more ways than one ) was also into porn but in a big way . Our sex life was shit and he simply saw sex as a way to fill a physical need , he wasnt interested in being close , just wanted to get off . I think years of veiwing porn had desenstized him.

Original poster
sanebrain · 31/10/2010 21:45

Hi Dignified; thank you for this too. He does make a big contribution to looking after our kids, as well as running his own business which is surviving considering the current climate. And oldest daughter is too young, and it's his laptop. Wouldn't be one for general use.
Our sex life is good; we love one another a lot - I do believe that, and know how I feel. I think it meets a physical need and is quick and easy. It would be nice if we had more time. But I think desensitisation may be an issue - ie he's used to it, it's convenient etc. He has lived alone for spells between relationships so has had the time and freedom to build the habit.

OP posts:
EricNorthmansMistress · 31/10/2010 22:02

Come on - it can take less time to have a wank than to have a poo. 5 minutes to himself every day is hardly a hanging offence. Even when DS was a nb I had more than 5 minutes to myself every day...didn't use it to wank mind you.

Original poster
sanebrain · 01/11/2010 08:12

It's not a hanging offense, and objectivity is what I seek.

OP posts:
dignified · 01/11/2010 09:43

Sane , its an awkward one isnt it . I partly agree with others that his wanking is his own business , but if its affecting your sex life , then its an issue because your not getting your needs met . Sex isnt always about getting off , sometimes its nice to just have a cuddle and feel close isnt it. If hes got the time and privacy to look at porn then hes got the time and privacy for a cuddle with his wife.

I used to be pretty cool about porn , not so much these days particularly after reading certain threads about the abuse of women involved in it , its quite disturbing . I definateley think people can become desentized to it , my ex escalated over the years from looking at quite soft porn to looking at quite extreme stuff . Looking back i feel repulsed that he got off by watching these women be abused. I wanted a partner who got excited about me , a real life person , although i accept that a lot of people dont have an issue with it.

As someone else says , there might also be the possibility that he has got a particular fetish , one that he feels embarressed sharing with you . If you werent around / felt tired / didnt want to , then i wouldnt say it was a problem for him to be doing this , but as its bothering you , it needs to be addressed , although im not sure how.

If youve openly said it makes you feel upset and anxious then really he needs to take steps to adress it , whether its about this particular issue or something else.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 01/11/2010 09:57

sanebrain my objections to porn are political, rather than personal. It might be worth you doing some reading about the political aspects of porn to decide how you stand on this issue.

However, based purely on what you say and the effect this is having on your relationship, you are telling us that he would often rather use porn and masturbate, than have sex with you. You are also worried about the desensitisation that occurs - and I think you're absolutely right about that.

There was an interesting thread on this recently and one of the themes that emerged was that the posters who didn't have porn in their relationship (i.e. both were non-users) had hugely enriching sex lives. So contrary to the belief that a couple can spice up their sex lives through porn, they had reached a better high, without it. I think it's one of the biggest myths of all, that porn enhances sex. More often than not, I think it has a negative effect.

MalificenceBloodandSand · 01/11/2010 11:09

He's obviously got some issues surrounding sex if he feels that masturbation is a seperate entity within a couple' sex life, it's generally a part of your joint sex life within a healthy relationship even if it's done privately - using masturabtion to fill in the gaps, as it were, is more usual, doing it in place of having fulfilling sex is a bit worrying tbh.

It sounds like he has turned it into a daily habit , habits can be broken though , is he unaware of the fact that he's blunting his appetite for sex with you?
Has it even crossed his mind?

You need to sit him down and tell him how rejected you feel - the bottom line is that he's lucky enough to have a partner who is more than willing to have sex with him but he's rejecting loving, mutually satisfying sex, in favour of wanking to porn. If he can't see what's wrong with that picture, well....

Sarsaparilllla · 01/11/2010 11:25

Why is he worried about the kids waking up / disturbing you when you having sex , but not worried about them disturbing his wanking ?

Because having sex makes more noise than wanking I would assume!

I think watching porn/masterbating is fine as long as it's not in place of sex - maybe you should watch it with him? It can be fun :)

AnyFucker · 01/11/2010 12:08

Having sex doesn't have to be noisy

MalificenceBloodandSand · 01/11/2010 12:15

I agree AF, being instructed not to make any noise is super-hot. Wink

happiestblonde · 01/11/2010 12:25

My DP doesn't watch porn and I would be surprised if he masturbated either but if he did I would feel like you do. I had an ex who did, I used to always go to his house and see toilet roll and baby oil by his computer - idiot - and it put me right off. I don't mind porn at all but I do object to the idea of my DP getting off on other women - as normal and common as that may be.

You really need to talk to him about how this is making you feel. I agree that no noise can be pretty hot.

Original poster
sanebrain · 01/11/2010 12:37

Thanks everyone, lots here I agree with. We are talking, and it is tricky. Like all of us I'm doing my best.
Also would like to add I am aware of the political issues around porn, but one thing at a time...
Interesting that many are referring to exes, seems they don't last...

OP posts: