Men, porn etc

[sanebrain]

In a strange place mentally at the moment and wondering what others think.
Have a lovely DP, 2 kids, affectionate, supportive, etc. However, he likes to masturbate, probably more than we have sex, and uses porn.
I know enough to know that men enjoy both pursuits, however, it leaves me feeling undermined and lacking. He probably masturbates once a day; not sure how often he uses porn. We manage sex once/twice a week (I would like more, but he worries about the kids being around/waking up, is tired as is busy at work...).
In summary - how are you all feeling about it? living with it? etc??
We are able to talk about it, he sees it as very seperate and as an easy way... he assures me that it's not because we have a problem. But for me, in previous relationships, we have made this a part of our relationship. He is less confident about doing this, and feels some things are private.
I appreciate this, and understand it, but it makes me anxious now. Had bad experience with ex-H who would masturbate in bed to help him sleep but no contact between us.. but then it turns out he was unhappy and we split... so this probably hangs over me a bit.
Anyway - just wandering what you think/your experiences.

I would always say, first address the issues in your particular relationship. Just ranting at him about how the occasional quick wank over the mildest of mags makes him an Evil Male Oppressor who must secretly want to see women beheaded and their necks fucked is not going to help. ANd don't forget that while there is feminist opposition to porn, not all feminists oppose it and your opinions of it are up to you. If it turns out, for instance, that the OP's H in this case has a fetish for something that the OP is happy to try sometimes, then if she has political objections to porn then maybe they can discuss this together later.

Quick update, talked last night, he didn't realize it upset me so much, going to talk more and work on it, both of us.
Thanks to everyone for views, really appreciate you taking the time.

good luck x

My friend's husband uses porn and isn't that interested in sex with her.

If you get a lock for the door, are quiet etc. etc. and he's still making excuses, then I think there's a problem I'm sorry to say.

I think porn can be a bit of a 'third party' in a relationship. I wouldn't be happy about it.

Maybe what neither of you has thought of is that watching porn can be addictive- and so can wanking- the more you do it, the more you want to do it.

I suppose the question is, does he need/want a daily orgasm and if he does, why is he not getting that with you, either through masturbation or sex?

My personal view is that if you treat this as if he was a 14 yr old school boy and he is being "naughty" you will drive his behaviour underground and the situation will get worse.

Is it the porn you object to, or the wanking?

My DH and I are quite open about masturbating; if we haven't had sex for a while I will ask him if he has wanked and he will ask me. Neither of us has an issue with the other doing it.

I think I would have an issue if he was withholding sex and doing this when i was lying in bed all hot for him.

Maybe you need to separate out the porn and the wanking. Is it a case that he can't have one without the other?

I have some slight objections to porn on the grounds of the industry and women's position in it, exploitation etc.
I also agree with earlier posts that it can become addictive, you can be come desensitised to it, etc etc.
But I have greater issues with masturbation if it is instead of us, if it's do with effort (and this is part of it, having talked... we're busy between his business / work, having a 5 month old and a 4.5 year old)... lots of things listed.
As said, we are talking, things are a little better, making more effort etc; but it's early days.