Dh life by his rules aibu? Longish.

[Confuddled]

Don't now where to put this really, am a reg but name changed.
Dh is a workaholic really, constantly on his mobile texting or working in his office. He also has elderly parents whom he visits a couple of times a week. One of them is in a nursing home, the other lives alone. They are very demanding of him and he is a good son. They separated five years ago and don't speak to each other or of each other apart from nasty snipes from his mum about his dad. They live half an hours drive away and he does a lot of house maintenance for his mum.

We've both had a virus this week and have been under the rweather.

This weekend my bro, his wife and toddler came to stay. They are very easy to get along with and I was looking forwards to seeing them. We don't see them much as they live three hours drive away - so only 3 or 4 times a year.

Yesterday my bro took ds1 hillwalking, which dh was not up to doing. I asked him if he'd like to join me, sil, nephew, ds2 at a local animal farm. He said not ae he was still feeling under the weather and he had an opticians appointment. So off we went without him and had a great day.

When we got back late afternoon he wasn't home. We all had tea without him and my bro and wife and boy set off home. He came in an hour later around seven as he had been at his mums then his dads all day. I had texted to ask where he was mid afternoon when we got back to an empty house.

He doesn't see missing my bro as a problem at all, since he phoned to say goodbye to them - by which I mean that he texted ds1 to say hand the phone to your uncle. I am really upset as instead of coming out with me and ds2 and having tea with lovely rellies we rarely see, he went to his parents' having not communicated that at all to me.

He tells me I'm being totally rigid and inflexible and that he's not being unreasonable, that he'll only decide this when he's spoken to a reasonable third party themselves for their opinion. He's not spoken to me today.

So there you are, reasonable mumsnet massive, you decide. Either he's at his wits end or I am.

Thanks for reading this.

Ask him to go to relate with you. They are a non biased 3rd party.

He's not prioritising his children, is he, if he's 'too poorly' to spend time with his son but absolutely fine to go to his mum's house. But there's no point asking Mumsnet. he seems so self centred that as soon as we disagree with him, we will become "Oh well, they're all WIMMIN - they're bound to agree with you!"

Thankyou.
We went on a family walk last week, except he disappeared for the second half because he wanted to see some bird boxes.
If I hadn't typed that myself, I'd think it was a mr bean script.
He tells me that he is ill and stressed and that he's going to live life on his rules now.
That shouldn't happen in a family.
He's not acknowledging that he's done anything that needs discussing and hasn't made any effort to make amends with me.

..I think it's me that needs the help to get my head round it really, colditz, too.

He sounds very detached from you, Confuddled - and not in the least bit bothered about upsetting you, or appearing rude to the extended family. He also doesn't seem to be worried about potentially upsetting the DCs by not going to the farm. In short, he sounds as though he will put what he wants to do in front of everything else.

Has he always been this detached and under-invested in your relationship? Are you sure all those texts are to work and all that time spent away from home is with his parents?

Underinvested is a really good way of looking at it. Yes, I do think he's with his parents or another male work colleague (freelancer) who lives near his mum. The texts are all to work colleagues - all male freelancers. He's spent the entire afternoon testing one of them, I sneaked a peek at his phone and therre are no suspicious ones on there, i really would assume there was someone else but he's really not that organized or any good at being romantic.

He spends very little time with the dcs unless it's on his terms. He takes them out for walks but never arranges trips anywhere, I do that, I take them away with me whilst he carries on working, which he tends to do every evening and all weekends unless he's at his mums. We go nowhere together as a couple unless I organise it.. Oh, he did manage to take his mother on a works trip to Rome. Jeez I've married Norman bates.

Testing, not testing sorry am doing this on my phone.

Argh texting

I think he is trying to make a point and should just tell you what the problem is.

Whether there is someone else or not, that under-investment is going to cause huge resentment and detachment in you if this goes on, so in your shoes I would ask some questions about how attached he feels to you, your relationship and the family generally.

He tells me that he is ill and stressed and that he's going to live life on his rules now.

Just how stressed is he? Has he said things like this - "his rules" - before? If it's all quite new, or has been building up over a period you can identify, then I'd be worried about his mental health. This "rules" business often goes with mental disorders ... and with breakdowns, which is why I'm asking if you can spot a correlation with the stress build-up.

Taking his mother away, but not you & DCs, is more than a little unusual. It might be part and parcel of an overall pattern of strange behaviour. Can you keep your thread up for a while? It might help you see what's going on. At the same time, you might want to see your GP - about him.

he sounds horrible frankly

you don't seem to have a good partnership, there is resentment on both sides here

now bearing in mind, we only have your reasons for feeling so pissed off (and they are totally valid), I would be sitting him down and asking him what his reasons were

invite him to leave, and see if he prefers life outside the family home, because this is what he appears to be indicating to you by his behaviour

Oh dear. He doesn't sound very committed to being a father.

If a family memnber (and I include in laws in that) comes to stay, it's RUDE to book an optician's appointment when they're there, unless you're doing something like having a family outing to the shops and the optician's happens to be there, to pop into for a check up.

Claiming to be under the weather, but ok enough to visit his family in the circs you describe is RUDE and underhand and dishonest.

Does he have no idea at all that he's made a twat of himself?

Thankyou for your input, I really do appreciate it. I do think he's made a twat of himself.
I told him yesterday that he should leave if that was how he felt, he screamed in my face that I was the one who should leave. He hasn't a clue past the basics about how to look after ds2 who is disabled with medical needs so I don't know how that would work.

I'm going to be kind to myself and boys and give myself some thinking tme while he frees his head from his arse.

You guys are great, I just feel I was becoming such a doormat to it all. I have needed a good mn talking to.

He screamed in your face? Under-invested, detached, aggressive and contemptuous to boot. That's a lot of sorting out to do and you don't have to put up with any of that, you know....

I know. Unfortunately, he refuuses to admit any wrongdoing or to apologise. It's not normal for him to be this bad but it happens from time to time.

If I were you, I would start trying to chart and track when he started being this bad. There is usually a reason for why behaviour has deteriorated to such an extent, IME.

And his screaming at me was not a response to me screaming btw. I was a sobbing defeated mess struggling to make sense of his behaviour.

Yes, I'll try that, just trying to work out what is going on.

Look, it obviously crossed your mind that there might be an affair, because you looked at his phone. But if there is something going on, he will have deleted the texts, so a quick peek will reveal nothing. Do you have access to his phone bills?

The behaviour you describe is so typical of someone having an affair, but even then, this is at the extreme end of that, because it just sounds as though he doesn't care any more. Think a bit more laterally about these colleagues he is texting. Two possibilities for example is that the one shown as "Dave" is in fact "Andrea" - or that there is even an OM, not an OW.

Even from the bills it doesn't seem so. The texts we were all work related, a bit manic, obsessing over what plans for next project was going to be, quite 'high' and excited, going on about settling scores with people hes fallen out with. This also happens from time to time.

Crikey, even I don't like the look of this. He's not like this all the time. He'd gladly sweep it under the carpet, but that it not acceptable. I deserve an apology and changed behaviour and so do the children.

You do deserve it, but I wouldn't expect it. You just can't change anyone who doesn't want to change themselves, I'm afraid.

If he's screaming at you while you're upset, something needs to change, and fast. I would absolutely insist on couples counselling, and be prepared to ask him to take a hike if he won't consider it. Don't carry on like this, it's no way to live. I really feel for you, have been in a v similar situation myself. It's a lonely place to be.

Oh dear, Confuddled. His wife is a sobbing, defeated mess and his response is to scream in her face? Aggression to a person showing their vulnerability = bullying. Plus he's excited about putting one over on his enemies: has he got quite a few of those, then? And he's rude, inconsiderate, contemptuous, dishonest & dismissive. Lucky you, being married to such a loving partner [hsad]

You know what I'm seeing here, don't you. Being nice some of the time doesn't really make all this worthwhile, or does it? Just how nice is he, on a good week?

You shouldn't be putting up with this. No-one has the right to bully other people, let along the people they're most supposed to love.

what ghoul said

he sounds like a very unpleasant individual, for lots of reasons

I wouldn't be sticking around to see just how much tbh

sorry to ask, but does he have an alcohol problem?

not sure why i'm asking, just something has touched a nerve with me - i think the "his rules" bit?