Dh life by his rules aibu? Longish.

[Confuddled]

Don't now where to put this really, am a reg but name changed.
Dh is a workaholic really, constantly on his mobile texting or working in his office. He also has elderly parents whom he visits a couple of times a week. One of them is in a nursing home, the other lives alone. They are very demanding of him and he is a good son. They separated five years ago and don't speak to each other or of each other apart from nasty snipes from his mum about his dad. They live half an hours drive away and he does a lot of house maintenance for his mum.

We've both had a virus this week and have been under the rweather.

This weekend my bro, his wife and toddler came to stay. They are very easy to get along with and I was looking forwards to seeing them. We don't see them much as they live three hours drive away - so only 3 or 4 times a year.

Yesterday my bro took ds1 hillwalking, which dh was not up to doing. I asked him if he'd like to join me, sil, nephew, ds2 at a local animal farm. He said not ae he was still feeling under the weather and he had an opticians appointment. So off we went without him and had a great day.

When we got back late afternoon he wasn't home. We all had tea without him and my bro and wife and boy set off home. He came in an hour later around seven as he had been at his mums then his dads all day. I had texted to ask where he was mid afternoon when we got back to an empty house.

He doesn't see missing my bro as a problem at all, since he phoned to say goodbye to them - by which I mean that he texted ds1 to say hand the phone to your uncle. I am really upset as instead of coming out with me and ds2 and having tea with lovely rellies we rarely see, he went to his parents' having not communicated that at all to me.

He tells me I'm being totally rigid and inflexible and that he's not being unreasonable, that he'll only decide this when he's spoken to a reasonable third party themselves for their opinion. He's not spoken to me today.

So there you are, reasonable mumsnet massive, you decide. Either he's at his wits end or I am.

Thanks for reading this.

This man has decided that he is the person in the relationship, and therefore his wishes, needs and feelings are all that matters. So he will be alternately detached from you and the DC or aggressive in order to make you obey,
THis is what an abuser looks like. The fact that he said you should leave but he will have custody of the DC is another tick on the abuser list BTW: abusive men often say this when they don't, actually, want custody of the DC at all, they just want the wife to continue obeying them.

nah, I am not thinking "mental health issue" here either

I am thinking "selfish twat who must be avoided"

Me, too ...

Grow strong, Confuddled! You hold all the cards - your family is NOT a private service for his use & abuse. You have the right to be treated with respect. Everyone does, it's a legal right.

Thanks everyone. Am in tears here. Just tried to talk to him and he's got angry saying that he has done nothing wrong. Tried to say how his behaviour had made me feel and he waved it off as if it were nothing. He says he's going to phone my brother to ask if he was offended - but that's unbalanced behaviour and of course my bro is too polite to say anything of the sort.
I suggested relate and he just said well get them on the phone tomorrow and that I'll find i have to listen to him.
So upset. What on earth is going on?

is he pushing you to do something drastic ?

because he is too cowardly to do it himself ?

his treatment of you sounds intolerable, and calculatedly so

the distancing tactic he is employing sounds quite extreme

there is something you don't know here, something big

I am sorry, but you are going to have to force him to talk or call his bluff and ask him to leave whilst he is treating you so poorly

Has he always been inclined to want his own way or to think that men are more important than women? Has he said much along the lines of there always having to be one partner'in charge' in a relationship? Because he is sounding like someone who doesn't see you as a person at all.

I'm going to try to get some sleep. Things are always better on the pith of day?!
When I think about it this is a pattern, build up and burst, but his behaviour is so irrational.
Thankypu wise mn.
Will get back to you.

good night x

I'm so sorry, Confuddled, it really hurts to get your head around realit sometimes. I hope you can sleep okay. Take good care of you - xx

*reality

Very wise advice He sounds like he is opting out of the relationship. Eitherhas another woman or some ocd

Hi Confuddled, I'm so sorry you are having a hard time.

This may not be what you want to hear right now but the behaviour you describe could have been my ex-DH in the months before we split up. He didn't have the guts to say that he wanted out so started to detach himself emotionally, being really difficult to get on with, snappy etc. I think, tbh, he wanted to end it but was hoping (subconsciously) that if he was horrid enough, I would walk away and he wouldn't be seen as the 'deserter' who walked out on his wife and baby. [We get on very well now that we have separated, incidentally]

I don't want to jump to conclusions about your situation - there could be a whole heap of other reasons why your DH is as he is (stress at work, worry about his parents etc) but it does sound as if counselling would be a good place to start. It's pretty difficult for him to say no to that without coming across as unreasonable, and it would save on long draining arguments about whether he is being a prick or not.

Good luck.

Yep. And same for a divorce I saw. He just doesn't love you enough to want to be with you.
And he sounds a selfish arse.

Confuddled, I don't suppose you are the poster whose dh was threatening to not go on holidays with the family a few years ago?

If not I'll try to remember who it was as there are similarities in behaviour & might be useful to see how her situation worked out....

Just looking at OP, tbh, I don´t really see him not being there with your brother & sil as a problem.

My husband gets on with my sis & bil, but if they visited for a day he might not want to spend the whole day with them & that´s fine by me.

and do you do the same for his brother?
i think a bit harsh on your BIL

If that´s to me-whose brother?

Diddl, we only see them a couple of times a year and he wasn't around for any part of the day, he was out with his parents and missed the family meal before they left. He had said he was too unwell to come out with us.

Forlorn, unfortunately both his siblings are dead but when his mum comes over I make a special effort to do a nice meal that she will like and to entertain her. Thankyou for your supportive comments everyone.

Decor, I'm not, but that would be interesting.

Oh dear, I´m just not reading things properly atm

I would have expected him to do something-the walk or the meal for eg, but not miss the entire day I think.

did, your BIL
so YOUr dh can opt out of your sisters visit, ut poor old BIL is stuck with you both!

confuddle
i feel for you but htink its bad news tbh

Thanks diddl.
He doesn't seem so nasty this morning and has gone off to work. I must too. So will try to talk to him again tonight once the kids are asleep. Ds has got anxious and is asking are you ok mum. It's not fair. I try to keep any strife away from the little ones as it affects them.
Have a good day everyone.

Many men don't have deep emotional reserves.
I suspect that the emotional reserves of OP's OH are exhausted by what his acrimonious parents are demanding of him and he can't get past the blinkered view that he owes them both first and foremost (in some cultures this is still the norm, too, although we in the West usually think quite differently).
So I feel a lot for OP and her DH. A trip to Relate might do a lot of good for helping both of you find the best way forward.

Oh I see.

Sorry, I´m not really thinking this through properly.

I would expect my husband to be there for most of the day, unless he had a previous appointment, or really needed to pop somewhere for a couple of hours.

We all live in different countries so tend to visit for week(s) at a time so obviously don´t all spend every day all together, so I was also thinking a bit about that-which isn´t really relevant

Just to add-if he really neeeded to see his parents then I wouldn´t mind him placing more importance on then than my sibling & il iyswim, but I´d expect to be told that he really needed to see them & it might take all day, so not to factor him in to anything.

i dont see him not being there for your bro as an issue eiether - but of course eh should ahve said. if he felt better then decided to help his mum whatever.

as others said tho - i do recognize bits of my EXP in tehre -ex being the operative word...

there seem to be broader issues here.

" ds2 who is disabled with medical needs " why cant your H look after him if you leave? what are the issues there?

"He doesn't seem so nasty this morning" --see one get sintot his routine where the H/P is nasty tehn they seem not so nasty so we think oh phew he is ok now...for a few hours/days/weeks - then they get nasty again.

it's a cycle.

read a book like why doe she do that and see if some of the anecdotes hold true - obviously some chapters wont apply but it might help you to try and analyse a little ...
www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656