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Original poster

so how wrong is this......

52 replies

feelpants · 31/10/2010 11:03

Right have name changed....... Went out with girls from work on fri night as I'm back to work from mat leave on monday so we went for a catch-up and much wine was drunk went to see a one of their friends (rubbish but fun) band playing and had a fab time went to a dive of a club with one of the girls and a bloke from the band (all the while texting dh to make sure he knew was ok and that he didn't mind me being out so much longer than I thought I'd be.....bless him, he promised he'd get up with DS in themorning and told me to enjoy myself) anyway ended staying out till 5am as bumped into some (much younger!) friends from hotel I used to work in and friend from work was snogging guy from band and it was generally a really fab impromtu night out, the sort I used to have about 5 years ago before had responsibilities/grew up!

Anyway bit that troubles me (and actually know is prob a bit wrong) is that got chatting to a guy and was talking to him for over an hour about Dh, DS, his family, job, friends we have in common, everything and we had loads of fun! But then as we were going home he asked for my number....... And I gave it to him........ And I realised that we'd actually been flirting quite a lot and I would have quite liked to see him again if I were single......... I really quite liked the exciting feeling of someone paying me attention and realised we really clicked - he's text me saying it was really nice to meet me......don't ever think I'd see him again as as cheating in any way is just not acceptable in my books but was this emotional infidelity??? How wrong was it????? Urgggghhh feel guilty - that the answer really isn't it?

God this was v waffly sorry!

OP posts:
spookerv1xen · 31/10/2010 11:26

how is your marriage OP?

franke · 31/10/2010 11:31

Don't be too hard on yourself. You say that much wine had been drunk, that you ended up on a night out which felt like a time before your current life and responsibilities. Giving out your number in the heat of the moment was all part of this. You've said yourself that you won't see the guy again. Just delete the text and move on.

emmyloulou · 31/10/2010 11:39

You got drunk and had a flirt, meh it happens you are not acting on it though, that's the important thing.

I wouldn't say a drunken flirt and convo was tantamount to an E affair no.

quizling · 31/10/2010 11:41

I don't think it really matters.

Original poster
feelpants · 31/10/2010 11:41

Marriage is good - maybe having a bit of hard time at the mo, as in last month or so but nothing super serious, dh working really long hours (till 1am most nights), got MIL issues, I's adjusting to being "mummy" (have moderate pnd tho anti depressants have kicked in in last week or so), DH is super

Guess fact that anti depressants have made me feel like "me" again and that ive been lacking attention from Dh cos he's been working so much prob both contributed to me ejoying a carefree night with such enthusiam i guess.......

Keep reading the text back to myself and getting a "giddy like a teenager" feeling - tragic! - need to stop that dont i?

OP posts:
Original poster
feelpants · 31/10/2010 11:43

*meant to say DH is super stressed...... (he is super too mind you!)

OP posts:
zombieinhighheelswhatnext · 31/10/2010 11:51

oh love!, he has given your ego a bit of boost!, always very nice after a baby - now delete the text and no harm done!

im knocking on a bit now but i still like to feel attractive enough to be chatted up occasionally Grin, and why not?, it does you good! sounds like you have a good marriage, dont risk it for a flirtation!

spookerv1xen · 31/10/2010 15:40

your DH sounds nice, but it sounds like because he isn't giving you enough attention, i guess you don't feel very sexy and desired, its hard enough after having a baby (esp your first one) adjusting to all the changes, its not a time us girls feel the most attractive so i can see why you have enjoyed this bit of attention.

does your DH do his bit with the baby? i appreciate he is working a lot but is he pulling his weight? and why is he working such long hours? sorry for all the questions, but i just get the impression there may be a bit more to this.

spookerv1xen · 31/10/2010 15:49

also OP i went through a similar thing after the birth of my first baby, although mine developed into an EA, it started in a similar, quite innocent way to what you described, but ended up becoming very intense to the point where i thought i was in love with OM. i ended my marriage a few months after I met OM, for lots of reasons, the main one being that the spark had gone in my marriage, we had grown apart (cliche i know but we had) and my ex didnt help me at all with the baby or make me feel sexy, in fact he treated me like an unpaid skivvy. after the split i then actually dated OM for a while, although it soon fizzled out.

Now, 4 years after i left exDH i am engaged to a new man and we have a gorgeous baby together and i am in a far better relationship than when i was with exDH.

I just wanted to share this with you because it just resonates with me and i remember having similar feelings.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 31/10/2010 17:53

I think it's normal after the blur of birth and new parenthood, to enjoy a night out without responsibilities and to feel like an attractive woman again. But as always in these situations, put the shoe on the other foot. Neither you nor your DH are getting the kind of attention you've perhaps been used to before the baby. How would you feel if he had done the same and gave his number to a woman the other night - and she had texted?

If you would feel horrified and sad about that, then don't respond to this bloke's text and try and carve out some time for yourself when you can be an individual and crucially, get some couple time with your H. The first year is always the toughest, because you are adjusting to a different view of yourself as a woman and a mother. That can be confusing, especially if you also have PND and have gone back to work.

Most of all, talk to your H about how you are feeling and don't shut him out.

spookerv1xen · 31/10/2010 18:40

yes thats a good point - you don't say whether you and your DH are getting time together just to be a couple? it doesnt have to even be a whole night, just maybe a lunch together or dinner out or even just an hour or two on your own at home while someone takes the baby out. do you have anyone who you trust that would have the baby for you? its essential IMO. and also do you want time alone with DH? (i actually didn't in my previous situation, which was one of the reasons i knew it was time to get out!)

ModreB · 31/10/2010 18:48

One thing that you also have to remember is that just because you are in a long term committed relationship, it doesn't mean that you will never be attracted to anyone else as long as you live.

What matters is how you deal with it. Yes, you flirted, yes you gave your number, but will you actually cross the line, or contact him again? If not, just remember this as a nice night out with the added bonus and ego boost that you are obviously still an attractive woman. Grin

phipps · 31/10/2010 18:51

Have you told your DH about him?

spidookly · 31/10/2010 19:04

I think giving out your number crosses a line.

How would you feel if you found a text like that on your DH's phone after he'd been out all night while you minded the baby?

That's how wrong it is.

If he told you how excited it made him to meet this girl and how much he'd have liked to see her again if he were single, would you be OK with that (and the clear message he gave the girl that he was happy to meet her again despite not being single)?

This is the sort of thing I would do if I lost the run of myself. In one way it means nothing at all, but in another shows you can lose sight of your boundaries in the right circumstances. That's a useful thing to know about yourself.

I don't think you should be beating yourself up over it, but nor do I think you should shrug it off as meaningless. Knowing your own weaknesses is important.

Original poster
feelpants · 31/10/2010 19:44

You're right dh doesn't make me feel sexy any more we've been together 11 years and were waaaaay to comfortable with eachother but he is absolutely wonderfull with ds and always make sure he's home to put him to bed, let's me lie in, at the weekend etc....... When he works late its him briinging work home with him and having tea then back on the lap top in his study as he's so bloody busy at work.......
And I do love dh, just not in a tingly excited to see you way, but I love him very deeply he's an amazing family man, he's work damn hard to make us the life we for us and we do have a good marriage......is just a meh as far as excitement goes but that's life isn't it? Its not hugely exciting all the time esp when you have a new (ish) baby and a house to do up.........
I guess I'm just cgasing a little excitement....... which might explain why I've replied to the guys text this eve and have been sending eachother msgs for the last 2hrs........ But its soooooooooo bloody stupid to risk hurting DS for a bit of excitement isn't it?! Must. Stop. Being. A. Selfish. Cow.

OP posts:
Original poster
feelpants · 31/10/2010 19:52

Oh and I would go ballistic if knew dh had got a text from a girl hed met in a bar.............. I know its not right to have contacted him - just getting a bit too excited about an ego boost - urggggh!! Mad at myself!

OP posts:
WhenwillIfeelnormal · 31/10/2010 19:58

Oh dear...I'm really sorry you have chosen to do this. It is now an emotional affair. Please don't do this to yourself.

Lolass · 31/10/2010 20:24

I completly agree with When.. How would you feel if your DH did this ?

freerangeeggs · 31/10/2010 20:40

I think giving out your phone number to the guy was pretty harmless, given the circumstances.

However, you shouldn't be texting him. Spidookly is right about knowing your weaknesses. You're dragging this out further when you should really just be saying 'oh well, that was a nice night. Back to normal now.' It's just a wee crush and it'll wear off pretty quickly as long as you don't let it spiral.

You're going to really regret this as your DH sounds lovely. I would be really hurt and upset if my partner did what you're doing now.

snice · 31/10/2010 20:49

i think you should delete all the texts AND his number, give yourself a slap and move on

ScaryFucker · 31/10/2010 20:52

oh dear

you are being very silly

a drunken flirt is one thing, even passing your number is forgiveable if you then don't respond to any messages and tell him with one final text it was a mistake

but by your current behaviour you seem hell-bent on pushing the boundaries even further, so I personally shall not be condoning your idiotic behaviour on this thread

trash your the relationship with your lovely fella if you must, but at least afford him (and us) the dignity of being honest

shandydrinker · 31/10/2010 20:52

Dont be stupid. Delete his number.

emmyloulou · 31/10/2010 20:53

Delete all now and move on or lose everything you have. It will happen this is now affair territory.

EsioTrot · 31/10/2010 20:55

I think you need to stop texting him now and delete his number. It's not going to make you feel good in the long run. You're crossing a line. Last night was drunken, harmless and a bit of an ego boost; this is going beyond harmless and is unfair on your DH.

You said in your last post that you'd hate to risk hurting your DS for a bit of excitement. Did you mean DH or are you not worried about hurting him?

Also what kind of man are you texting? He knows you have a DH and young son but he's still keen to flirt (or more)...he sounds lovely Hmm

spidookly · 31/10/2010 21:34

Oh FGS just cut it out.

You're being a silly bitch now.

Deal with the problems in your relationship (and there are problems if it's "meh, as far as excitement goes"

I have never thought that about DH. It's not "life" that you feel bored with your spouse.