any advice

[watchme]

hi i would welcome some female words of wisdom /advice on the terrible situation my 2 kids and i find ourselves in mypartner and i split up she used to be the best mum in the world to our kids never a hair out of place clean kit always home cooked meals etc. she has started drinking she never used to staying out for several nights in a row at work mates houses she said she does not want the kids any more and they have been with me now for 2 weeks she refuses to have any cintact with me and has not spoken to the kids in 2 weeks the break up was over nothing no violence,cheating drugs etc she is 41 and has lost 3,4 dress sizes not by dieting she was very moral of great character we are all baffled by this m.l.c she says there no one else and she is doi mg this for her in the meantime there are 2 heartbroken kids ,and dad we are all so cofused

That sounds dreaful for you and the kids. I haven't really got any advice, sorry. If she is determined to continue this way, there is not much you can do.

Remember to look after yourself too and get help from family to help you through this period.

My Dad left my Mum when I was 6 and we did not see him for two years whilst he pursued life as a singleton. It is a terrible thing for a child to go through. My Mum was very angry and bitter towards my Dad but as he was not on the scene she took it out on my brother and I.

All I can say is to be the best Dad you can for your children, provide as much stability as possible. Whilst children are very adaptable, the loss of an absent parent is incredibly painful and I would advise that you protect them as much as possible.

Hang on in there and good luck.

Do you think that she could be having some sort of break down? Could drugs be involved? The extreme weight loss and erratic behaviour really point to a drug addiction and/or some sort of complete mental breakdown.

I am so sorry.

Are you getting any support?

Really hard to know what is underlying this: sometimes some women keep resentment bubbling under for years and then out it all comes in a rush. Nothing you could have done differently to avoid this. It's unusual to reject the children though: she sounds unwell, and it is more than likely that there is someone else.

FWIW my best friend did this to her husband of 17 years a few years back, turning 40 was the trigger. The good news is that despite her craziness and affair, they sorted it all out and are still together. Took huge effort and support from her husband and all their friends though.

All you can do it hold it together for the kids and see how it all pans out. So sorry. Get as much support from friends as you can.

she was really anti drugs we both are even though we have been split up a bit pretty sure there no one else involved no need for secrecy its over this woman would never have left her kid for anything let alone some other guy these kids really were her pride and joy she has got in with 2/3 women who dont have great lives and likr to drink go out in the meantime 2 heartbroken kids crying for there mum and me with loads of unanswered questions 1 said tome the other night daddy what has happened to our mum?she used to treasure us i feel so awkward and upset worried for her

how old are the children if you dont mind me asking?

my mam did this when i was 14, unfortunately my dad was no longer around and i had to live with nana.
it was awful feeling so rejected by my own mother - she had met a young bloke and wanted a life of her own.
i didnt see much my mam for years, until the young bloke went off with someone else.

no matter how much people tried to talk sense into her - she wanted her own life without kids.

am sure she will come round and realise her mistakes - my mam now feels so guilty at the years she lost.

xx

If she is partying hard, going out more, drinking and probably not eating properly after drinking to excess, that could explain the weightloss. I have recently split from my H and I have lost a stone in 7 weeks purely through stress as am still eating the same, doing the same exercise etc. Unless there is proof of infidelity/drugs then it is not helpful to jump to conclusions over that.

When you split up, who initiated that? Who left the family home and what were the reasons for the separation if you don't mind me asking.

My immediate thoughts are that she is having a 'mid-life crisis' brought on by the searation and her destructive behaviour is because she is finding the marriage breakdown very painful. Very easy to not address real problems, put them in a box, and throw yourself into a whole new life and pretend that is what you want.

Sad on all counts.

hi the kids are 9/10 she wanted to split up over a genuine mix up on who was looking after the kids!!!!there were comments that i made 10 years ago and some minor misdemeaner i made ie being late for something 7 years ago that left me totally stunned i keep hearing its a mlc but people that know her are totaly stunned she keeps going back into the past even refering me to an old ex who was adrug dealer, violent drunk even though i have been tea total for 15 years dont take drugs and have nerver raised my voice let alon a finger in the 11 yrs we were together she woul not go to the doctors even though she used to say i know thers something wrong with me but i dont know what really worried for her my 2 kids my job trying to juggle every thing just gutted my lovley soul mate partner has gone like this

Until she recognises her behaviour is abnormal there is nothing you can do.

I've not used them but apparantly Gingerbread are very good at supporting Lone Parents. If your children need help your GP will be able to organise counselling etc. Do get in touch with your Benefits Agency and make sure you are claiming everything you are entitled to. Also, your childrens school may be able to offer support (my eldest sees a learning support mentor and talks to her when he is feeling sad etc).

Make sure you inform your employers as there maybe flexible working options they can arrange for you? Also, you will be entitled to child maintainance from your wife so speak to child mainatance options about that. Also, you might get additional help with child care costs etc via working family tax credits but the benefits office will sort that.

Things like internet shopping and batch cooking will help too.

I really feel for you! My DH has behaved like a singleton my whole marriage and it is hard to juggle everything, especially when you find yourself in the situation unexpectedly.

Hang on in there!

thanks every one for your kind comments, help i just want the kids to be happy but feel so helplesswe wernt married so i dont even have pr over my own kids!! such a shame this is going onit really is destroying these lovley kids and they have been so good for me the last 2 weeks i just dont understand any of this

I don't think it's jumping to conclusions to suggest that there is more to the eye here than just a woman hooking up with some party girls and enjoying her freedom. A sudden, striking change in personality is often linked to drug use.

Whatever her problems, it sounds like she is having some sort of life crisis.

i know for certain there is no drug issues so so anti drugs as to girls more like middle age women but to leave her 2 kids and have no contact is not her she even left a sick kid with me i had no medicine in the house and stopped in the pub!!! not slagging her off but it really is so sureal i worry so much for her future just cant see any end to this nightmare handed to me

I would say one of two things. 1, she's on drugs which will deffo explain the behaviour and the weightloss or 2, she is ill and going into self destruction. Nobody loses that amount of weight in such a short time unless faced with one of the above.

Sounds like she is ill. Seek some legal advice though and start moving things legally so that the house/custody etc are all sorted.

could it be menapausel?

I would explain to your dc that their Mum is unwell and you hope that she will get better again but in the meantime you will be there for them 100% just as you always have been.

I hope things start to resolve themselves soon.

I really feel for you and your kids.

Sounds like your wife is definately having some sort of crisis, whether menoupause triggered it or whether it was something else is ahrd to say.

I hope whatever your wife is going through it is temporary and she gets the help she needs to start being a mother to her children again.

In the meantime I hope you stay strong for your children, they need you more than ever right now.

Have you looked into counselling for you and/or the children?

its so hard trying to explain to the kids i have told them that there mum still loves them but they cant understand why she does not come to them neither can i it really is so bizarre this lovely dependable woman who has turned into the type of person she would have had nothing to do with. its just this massive transformation that i cant comprehend the rage she was in the last time i saw her was frightening

the menopause would not cause such an extreme change of character like you are describing

no way is this menopausal. If you are giving the full story here she must be ill. She might be mentally ill or god knows something physiological affecting her behaviour. Very unusual for a loving mum to rejects her kids like that unless het life up to that point was an act. Could you not stage an intervention with some other people who love her and are worried about her? Get het to see her GP?

i have tactfully suggested several times to go for a blood test but all i got was im not mad i know theres something wrong with me but i dont know what,it really is so frustrating for her she is so strong willed, still no contact with kids 17 days on 9 year old started wetting the bed she is so embarresed . never done it before .i dont even know who her work mates they are a new crowd i think i went round 1"friend" who promptley phoned her i did not even get a chance to broach the subject

update still no contact with kids 3 weeks on apparently she gets quite a few texts!!!!!and is sending quite a few !!!! still stopping out but not as much have had to take out a residence + parental responsability order at £200 not cheap, but hopefully worth it .she apparently never even talks about the kids anymore after 11 years i thought i knew her but i think i dont anymore.

What an awful situation. I think the tact of explaing that mum is unwell to the kids is a good one. The more positive adults you can get around them the better.
My heart goes out to you.

Your poor family. I don't think there's anything you can do really now apart from be there for your children and wait. I assume you have tried speaking to her family as I'm sure her parents would be shocked at her behaviour.

As sad as it is you will have to do what too many people are forced to do when a partner leaves them with the children and that is move on the best you can. Maybe one day she'll see the error of her ways and fix it before there's nothing left to fix.

Good luck, I hope you kids are coping well.

Well one of the things that can cause sudden behaviour changes is a brain tumour. Cancer can also cause sudden weight loss - so if you're sure that it's not drugs, she could be very unwell.

Does she speak to you at all? I really don't know how you progress with this - if she knows there is something wrong and fears it is something serious, she might be trying to pack in all the "fun" in life that she can, perhaps she thinks she missed out on something somewhere down the line.

In any case I am very :( for you and your situation and I hope she comes to her senses sometime very soon and comes home to her family.