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Original poster

Is it alright to ask a man out?

27 replies

quizling · 30/10/2010 18:00

Forgive my very 1950s question!

I read 'The Rules' at an impressionable age, and now have a lingering belief that if you make the first move on a man you will burst the special magic attraction bubble, and he won't ever fancy you properly.

I met someone recently who I like - he's a friend of a friend. Usually I would wait for him to ask me out (obviously dependent on him fancying me!) but one of our mutual friends said that if I did this I would be waiting forever, as Man in Question would never imagine I would be interested in him (I think he is quite shy).

So my question is: Should I make the first move somehow (and if so, how?) or should I wait and think that if he likes me enough, he will do something about it.

I am not 15 years old, btw, even though it may sound like it! Just trying to get back into a relationship after a hiatus, and have never made the first move before.

Thanks!

OP posts:
FiaGrace · 30/10/2010 18:07

Personally I don't see the problem with asking a man out. I've done it and I think the man/men in question appreciated the fact that I'd been pushy confident enough to make the first move.

Also had this convo with a male friend last week. He is v good looking but is also quite reserved. He said he rarely asks women out as he doesn't feel confident but he really likes it if he's asked out.

If a man likes you then I'm not sure it matters who mnakes the first move.

Life is too short to wait! Go for it.

phipps · 30/10/2010 18:09

Why not text him? That way no embarrassing silences if he doesn't want to go out with you.

Snorbs · 30/10/2010 18:09

What makes you think that a) the bloke in question has even read "The Rules", or b) if he has, doesn't think it's a load of cliched sexist bollocks?

You're a grown-up. If you want to go out with him then ask him out.

Frrrrightattendant · 30/10/2010 21:07

I wouldn't. I think it's too important to know you are wanted enough to be found/sought out/chased a little bit.

I think there may still be the glimmer of the old hunting instinct in a lot of blokes. But there's nothing wrong with saying hello, being in places he will be, etc. With any luck he will take it on himself to act if you are there.

First bloke I dated properly I managed to find at a music festival, he was on his own, I knew his then-girlfriend so I didn't do anything - just wandered up and said hello. He immediately suggested we go and get something to eat and then he held my hand through a crowd and then his tent sank, and so he shared mine - but we didn't even kiss. We were just close.

Then we got back, everyone said we had had sex but we knew we hadn't! And they decided they weren't suited after all and we ended up living together.

Smile All from a 'hello'.

Jellykat · 30/10/2010 21:30

Don,t think its a problem,you don't have to be scarey though, especially if he's shy.

Why not casually suggest next time you're chatting (presuming you do talk to each other, if not maybe that's step 1) that maybe you should see a film together or something one day.. that puts the possibility 'out there',and he can take the next step if he wants..

Nothing ventured, nothing gained..

PositiveAttitude · 30/10/2010 21:33

I did 24 years ago! We have been married 22.5 years and have had 6 children. Grin

Go for it!!

sunflower1234 · 30/10/2010 22:33

aawww just express your interest to him. then he knows u like him n let him do the work... good luck xxx

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 30/10/2010 22:58

That awful book has a lot to answer for, that's for sure. Of course you should ask him out. It's so unfair, sexist and outdated for women to wait to be asked to do anything.

Good luck!

atswimtwolengths · 31/10/2010 00:02

No, no, NO!

You have go-betweens, don't you? Can't they organise occasions where you can meet up?

Honestly, I don't believe any man is so shy that he can't ask you out once he's had the chance to talk to you on a number of occasions.

Just don't ask him yourself - let him step up and ask you. If he doesn't, then he doesn't want to enough.

Alfreda · 31/10/2010 00:24

Some men will be turned off by it, some will jump at the chance. I've asked a few men out in my time, and never been refused.

If I asked someone out and despite liking me they said no because I had asked them, well really they wouldn't be the kind of man I'd be comfortable with.

Original poster
quizling · 31/10/2010 00:37

Hmm, I don't think I'm going to. I think I will wait and see if he suggests it - we haven't known each other very long. I see from facebook (haha) that about 9 of our 'favourite things' match up - I may mention that I'm thinking of going to see x play or y exhibition and see if he suggests going together. I think that will be subtler.

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 31/10/2010 00:42

"What makes you think that a) the bloke in question has even read "The Rules", or b) if he has, doesn't think it's a load of cliched sexist bollocks?

You're a grown-up. If you want to go out with him then ask him out."

I agree with that. At least you'd then know whether he's up for it. I don't see the point of faffing about being subtle personally.

Original poster
quizling · 31/10/2010 00:45

Hmm, the point of 'The Rules' isn't that both parties have to have read it. It's supposed to work on the principle that, deep down, there are some things that men will always be turned off by, despite what society now tells them to be like. It's mostly arse - I seem to remember one of the points is 'wear black stockings and don't talk to much...men will love it!' Hmm but in general I do think men prefer if it's not too easy to begin with (unless they just want a shag). A bit of uncertainty gives more of a frisson.

OP posts:
jasper · 31/10/2010 00:54

One of the authors of The Rules is now divorced

ilovesooty · 31/10/2010 00:59

"A bit of uncertainty gives more of a frisson."

Don't get that, personally. I think most of the men I'm close to would rather women said what they mean and not expect them to be mind readers and take all the responsibility for initiating things.

BertieBotts · 31/10/2010 21:18

Yes, honestly - best piece of advice I can give you is be yourself, don't play games, and don't think about what you 'should' or 'shouldn't' be doing. If you want to do it, do it! The only exception is if you don't 100% trust your own judgement - then it's probably best to hold off until you really want to do it Grin

And talk to people! Don't expect them to read your mind :)

Taghain · 01/11/2010 16:08

Men are scared by the prospect of rejection, and shy blokes more so. Don't play games, ask him out and he'll thank you for it.
Frisson in this context just means fear. Say what you mean, not too subtly and you'll be fine.

slug · 01/11/2010 16:40

Good grief. If I hadn't asked DH out he would still, to this day, be propping up the bar with a hopeful expression in his eye.

stubbornhubby · 02/11/2010 11:59

men are not a different species

everyone likes to be invited
no one like to be stalked.

invite him.

BaggedandTagged · 02/11/2010 12:11

"Should I make the first move somehow (and if so, how?) "

Pick up phone
Dial his number
When he picks up say "Oh Hi John , it's quizling here"
[hopefully he will say something vaguely encouraging at this stage]
Then say " I wondered if you'd like to go for a drink one night"

He will probably say yes.

It really is that simple. Then go for the drink and just play it by ear. You'll be able to tell if he fancies you or not. If not, then nothing lost really.

ps do not text him to ask (unless you're under 14).

stubbornhubby · 02/11/2010 14:44

even better: 'I wondered if you'd like to go for a drink on Friday' or whenever.

BEAUTlFUL · 02/11/2010 14:57

No, don't ask him out. Instead, be friendly, light-hearted and tactile when you see him. Put your hand on his arm, laugh, etc.

I like the idea in The Rules about "you don't have to try to make anything happen - if a man likes you, he likes you!"

I asked my (now ex) husband out and the whole relationship was like pushing a rock uphill. i would never do it again.

LaurieScaryCake · 02/11/2010 15:01

What slug said.

If I hadn't pounced on dh he would still believe he couldn't get someone like me Grin

OxonDad · 02/11/2010 15:18

Quizling,

My own personal (male) perspective is that the guy is likely to be incredibly flattered!

Go for it :)

OxonDad

sparkle101 · 02/11/2010 21:02

I did it - have been together for 13 years, married for two with one DD. Go for it!