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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I need help to change or my marriage will be over

35 replies

FixMyMarriage · 29/10/2010 18:52

Please, Please could you help.

DH and I have been married for less than a year and have 3 children, youngest is just a few weeks old.

At the moment we seem to be arguing constantly. I'm a shouter/moaner and I hate it but from my point of view, it's the only way I make myself heard. He hates it (understandably), I hate it and the children hate it. It's always over petty things like no-one emptying the bin, not picking up his socks, changing the baby's nappy etc etc.

He works shifts and I do the bulk of the childcare and almost everything around the house. He doesn't claim to do a lot but says he does more than I give him credit for. Maybe true, I'm not sure. I hardly get time away from the children/house and so I think issues are magnified because it's largely all i see and do.

Can you give me any tips on how to learn to get off his case? I would say in fairness he does do a lot (at least his fair share) but I can't help feeling resentful of him and I don't know why? I love him and want this marriage to work but if I don't start being nicer and less moany, I can't see it happening. :(

OP posts:

Alfreda · 29/10/2010 18:56

You sound exhausted. Is there any way you can fix a regular break for yourself, just for a few hours? Have you a friend who could look after the baby for a bit during the day? Are the older kids old enough to help Mum with chores for a bit of pocket money?

fizzpops · 29/10/2010 19:03

Tbh I don't blame you for shouting with a child that young and two others to think about as well.

You both need a better idea of what each other contributes to the household and to appreciate each other, and I think you in particular needs to know that certain jobs are going to get done so you can relax about them and not have them preying on your mind constantly.

In your place I would start by sitting down with your husband and agreeing what tasks need to be done - divide up by daily and weekly etc. Then agree which ones you can both agree to do. Childcare at weekends and evenings should be joint responsibilities where possible. Shift work does make it more complicated but this was the only method that worked for me and DH and at least there is the chance for each of you to play to your strengths or preferences.

Hope it helps a bit.

mamas12 · 29/10/2010 19:27

Fix
Fizz is right. Sit down and have a list of all the jobs that need to be done in an average week. Including feeding the baby breastfed or not,
Don't whatever you do write down who does what at the moment, just show him the list ask him if he can think of anything else that should go on there and then see which ones you both could do.
You are shouty and moany because you have too much on your plate, he is responding.
Share the load.

Original poster

FixMyMarriage · 29/10/2010 19:37

Thank you both. The older children are great and generally very helpful and well behaved. They are at an age where they are very capable of picking up after themselves but need prompting and reminding which DH lacks because it doens't occur to him that if they don't do it then I have to. They are both at school now so I do have some free time with just the baby but I probably don't use it as wisely as I could. I don't catch up on sleep for example which would probably help a bit.

The dividing of jobs would be great if I could get him to agree. It's the chaos and lack of routine which comes with shift work that I hate, but he doesn't seem to mind. He doesn't mind food shopping whereas I hate it so that could be a big thing he could take over.

He's working tonight so I will definatly have a think about how to approach it all with him (without moaning).

OP posts:

Original poster

FixMyMarriage · 29/10/2010 19:38

Sorry was putting kids to bed so that last post took me ages. Thank you too mamas12

OP posts:

traceybath · 29/10/2010 19:39

Do the food shopping online for starters.

You've just had a baby - never a high point in my relationship and like you I have 3 dc's.

Make allowances for each other and have a chat about how hard it is for both of you at the moment but it will get easier.

If possible get a cleaner for a couple of months.

TDaDa · 29/10/2010 19:42

It is tough with young children. Tell your DH that you want to operate as a team again with mutual support- it is powerful sentiment to have in the home when you are pulling together. Also both worth remembering that this is no dress rehearsal and that you will look back at this time as key years in your life....try to find bits to savour

Original poster

FixMyMarriage · 29/10/2010 19:47

Online shopping is an even better idea. Can't see him agreeing to have a cleaner TBH as I'm still on maternity leave so fewer spare pennies atm.

Do you find you have to ask for help around the house? I get very stressed that he can't just see what needs doing and get on with it but he says I need to ask for help. I dig my heels in because I don't feel they are my jobs to be delegating out to him but maybe I'm cutting my nose off to spite my face???

OP posts:

traceybath · 29/10/2010 19:49

Well my situation is perhaps different in that my DH works very very long hours so I pretty much do everything regarding the children/house.

Doesn't mean I don't get annoyed/fed-up though.

But those first few weeks with dc3 were hard - do what it takes to get through them. For me a weekly cleaner was worth the money as it made me happier - I can not live in chaos - it makes me too stressed.

motherinferior · 29/10/2010 19:56

Ask him exactly what he does. I don't see why it's all supposed to be your fault for resenting drudgery. In fact, with a baby that little I reckon you shouldn't have to be doing anything.

tb · 29/10/2010 19:59

Tbh the first year or so being married isn't very good. Everyone expects you to be all 'in lurve' while you're trying to adjust to all that it means being someone's wife, and being stuck with the bastard and their nail clippings all over the kitchen floor 'til death do you part etc.

Adding 3 dd into the mix and shift work only serves to complicate it even further.

After half-term is over I'd try to get you head down during the day if you can, as well as everything everyone else has said regarding dividing the essential tasks.

TDaDa · 29/10/2010 20:21

Re-read this post...working Dads need to help SAHM ...not acceptable for him not to recognise this..or else you need a cleaner

scallopsrgreat · 29/10/2010 20:28

I am with TDaDa on this. he should be doing more. My DH works shifts and still does a proportion of the housework and childcare. Online shopping/cleaner etc is just allowing him not to have to do anything around the house (obviously it does help you too1). But I think that it is just papering over the cracks and the unequal distribution of work will still remain with the rest of the chores.

maryz · 29/10/2010 20:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

chattymitchy · 29/10/2010 20:30

the fact that he says you should ask for 'help' means he thinks that housework is solely your responsibility and that he is generously offering to help you with your work. However, if you are tied up with the baby all day (which is exhausting!) then maybe you need to explain that looking after the house is a joint workload. I'm sure he would be confused and bemused if you sat back and waited for him to ask you to help him with the housework.

So unless it's already agreed that housework is your role, you need to explain to him that it's a joint thing, and that you won't be asking him to help you, but to pull his weight and do his fair share.

Blondeshavemorefun · 29/10/2010 20:34

Poor you - you sound exhausted and yes often marriage isn't all hearts and roses :( but you BOTH need to worth this out together

agree write a list of EVERYTHING that needs to be done and then if possible do a weekly planner so maybe on Monday you wash and Tuesday Hoover and Wednesday iron etc

also make sure both of you help out, yes dh works but he also does shifts so maybe he can have baby so you can have some me time or sleep

generally I am lucky and dh helps out - tho he needs to be told - ie I ask him to Hoover as carpet looks messy - he is happy to do it but wouldn't have thought of doing it - think he has a lower threshold of mess than me

Original poster

FixMyMarriage · 29/10/2010 20:54

Thanks everyone.

maryz No he doesn't expect it to be done and he does have a much lower mess threshold than me. In fact he does tell me to sleep in the day and not fret about it so much but I know it has to be done at some point so just get on with it.

I think I've just realised something from Blondes and chatty's posts... I don't think he sees it all as my jobs but perhaps more likely that he just needs pointing out what needs doing. Mess isn't really on his radar unless he runs out of socks or pants or whatever. I then feel rubbish and inadequate that I can't even keep up with the washing.

OP posts:

Original poster

FixMyMarriage · 29/10/2010 20:56

should that be higher mess threshold?? Anyhoo - he doesn't care about mess as much as i do!

OP posts:

maryz · 29/10/2010 21:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

FixMyMarriage · 29/10/2010 21:10

I really should, shouldn't I?

I'm just not really sure what comes over me when I have a melt down about the state of the place when it get likes that. He tells me I start arguements over tiny things because I'm bored....well that's possible because it's all so tedious!

I've re-read my OP and realised how self pitying I am!

[Am off to get a grip!]

OP posts:

TDaDa · 29/10/2010 21:14

Lazy DHs often say "I don't care as much about the mess as you do...so you clean it up". Actually, I did that for first few months of marriage .....DW was not very happy about it and I didn't realise until she confronted me....I am well trained now

Blondeshavemorefun · 29/10/2010 21:18

DELEGATE WOMAN

I'm sure that mr blondes men don't actually see or mind mess and don't think about it

I keep joking to dh that we have a washing/cleaning/bed changing/hoover/shopping/ice cube fairy

ie these things get done by me all the time and he doesn't reliese it

maybe the fairy should go on strike ........ [hgrin]

Original poster

FixMyMarriage · 29/10/2010 21:25

That's the thing isn't it? I don't think they realise how much we do..... until we don't do it!

OP posts:

Original poster

FixMyMarriage · 29/10/2010 21:28

Interesting TDaDa that you say that. Maybe he does pretend not to care so he doesn't have to do it. But by the same token, he surely won't care if I don't do it either?

OP posts:

SkeletonFlowers · 29/10/2010 21:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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