I need help to change or my marriage will be over

[FixMyMarriage]

Please, Please could you help.

DH and I have been married for less than a year and have 3 children, youngest is just a few weeks old.

At the moment we seem to be arguing constantly. I'm a shouter/moaner and I hate it but from my point of view, it's the only way I make myself heard. He hates it (understandably), I hate it and the children hate it. It's always over petty things like no-one emptying the bin, not picking up his socks, changing the baby's nappy etc etc.

He works shifts and I do the bulk of the childcare and almost everything around the house. He doesn't claim to do a lot but says he does more than I give him credit for. Maybe true, I'm not sure. I hardly get time away from the children/house and so I think issues are magnified because it's largely all i see and do.

Can you give me any tips on how to learn to get off his case? I would say in fairness he does do a lot (at least his fair share) but I can't help feeling resentful of him and I don't know why? I love him and want this marriage to work but if I don't start being nicer and less moany, I can't see it happening. :(

I also don't believe that some men don't "see" the mess. They choose to ignore it because if they did actually "see" it they might actually have to do something about it. My DH definitely sees the mess. Sometimes he chooses to leave it sometimes he chooses to tidy it away. As do I! However, if you have higher housework standards than us your DH then not seeing it really isn't an option for him. Why should he benefit from a tidy house and not contribute towards it. He has to up his game.

That's me I'm afraid. I do it all and then bitch and moan about having to do it. That's exactly what I'm trying to stop- I'm very conscious that I do it a lot and dispite DH thinking I get some sort of pleasure out of hen-picking him, I don't. I dispise it.

Do you think he will actually contribute to the household chores, willingly and without resentment?
If not, can you live with the situation as it is?

He doesn't like doing jobs, but who does? But he wouldn't resent me for delegating it to him. I don't like having to think for everyone (him + the 3 DC) but if that's what it takes to get things done then maybe I'll have to.

I meant willingly as in willingly take the load off you. As you say no-one likes housework1!

You shouldn't have to think for him. That is the most draining part. There is no need to do that. Chores aren't rocket science for crying out loud. However, having said that if he really is unsure about what needs to be done you can spell it out to him. You just shouldn't have to do it every day. That is what taking some of the load is all about. If you are having to ask him regularly to step up then he isn't pulling his weight.

Ok well I'm going to tackle it from a new approach. Explain to him that I need him to take on a couple of tasks that are just his. No reminding/ nagging/ shouting if they don't get done but if he doesn't do them then I won't be stepping in and doing them for him. As I said before, his strong point is the food shopping so he can do that. And bins because I hate doing that he's much stronger. He already puts the older ones to bed if he's here and will cook at the weekends.

How does that sound? Or is that too much?

No, I really think there is something in having differential thresholds about tidiness.

I am the untidy one in our home, and the one who has to be nagged to do housework.

The thing also is that maybe he doesn't know how hard it is to be at home with the kids. Also how tough it is when the weekend comes for him, but for you the says are just the same....

I think you get a perspective on this having birthed and breastfed your babies but then been the one who goes back to work. I always knew that I was lucky being able to go to work to have a rest. Maybe he needs to understand that too? Maybe Mum's day off on a Saturday, for a while?

FixMyMarriage,

Firstly I have to say how impressed I am that you recognise the problem and your willing to try and change yourself to make things better, its always so much easier to point the finger.
Its obvious you love your DH and the children and your doing everything you can to be perfect. When you may get little or no recognition for just how rough its being at home. My advice is you don't need to do everything, try spending just a few days doing the absolute necessary, the bare minimum I know this will be hard, but enjoy your family and leave the dishes until morning, tell your DH just how much you appreciate him, and have an afternoon for some me time every now again. If doing a particular chore is going to make you unhappy - or moan about it, don't do it (unless feeding the kids of course). You can't be everything to everyone at all times, you will burn yourself out. I think your doing a great job and am sure your children appreciate you

When I was a boy, cleaners (and sisters) did in door work and brothers and I did out door work. At university we had "bedders"/cleaners so again I switched off re:cleaning. I then shared with two women who cleaned obsessively. First few months of marriage, I switched off again...until DW confronted me and sought more equitable division of labour....I then started to notice dirt and housework and still do.....I think that if you make DH responsible for some chores he will start to notice more when his work gets undone!

Notice how the women in my early life allowed me to switch off housework.