I am fed up of feeling so unwanted and crap

[coldnose]

I'm feeling really down and crap. Would like some advice about my relationship if anyone can help.

We have been together for 2 years and he has never told me he loves me. He says he finds it hard to give compliments and say nice things. I know some people do find it hard to ne lovey dovey but it would be nice to be told sometimes.

I am finding it hard to put into words what i want to say, basically he is unsupportive and selfish. I had our dd 6 months ago and my whole pregnancy was about him. How would HE cope? How hard would HE find it? I don't thiink he ever asked me if i was scared or worried. I was working 10 hour shifts starting at 4am and would come home to find him still asleep in bed with the flat in a mess and no food in.

After dd was born he was pretty bad, he dotes on her but is a bit of a "fair-weather" father. Especially in the early days when i would literally not sleep for days on end (dd had reflux and cried alot) A couple of minths ago i called him on it and he got better, he now gets up with her in the morning so i get an extra hour or so in bed.

I just feel so unloved and unwanted. I used to be confident and carefree. Now i feel boring and crap. I used to take pride in my appereance but he thinks it is vain to wear make up so i don't. I just find it isn't worth the hassle of him being moody about it.

I feel like i want to leave but i am scared. I am 23 and none of my friends have children. I wouldn't be an attractive prospect for any man so can see that i could end up alone for a long time.

I asked him the other day if he ever wants to get married (not just to me, in general) he said "it's not in my life plan". I asked him if he ever wanted to but a house, he said "I don't want to be stuck in one place"

Reading what i have written i feel like there is an obvious answer but i feel like there is good in him, he is just thoughtless and clueless.

Sorry this is really a big ramble and long. I was just typing as i was thinking.

What do you feel are his good aspects? What attracted you to him in the first place?

Well you need to know what is in his "life plan" then.

He sounds immature and totally selfish. And the thing about him not liking you to wear make-up is ringing alarm bells. I think most new mothers go through a phase of feeling boring and crap but I think in your case it's because you've realised your partner is basically shit.

'not in my life plan' and 'I don't want to be stuck in one place' . This is not something a mature, loving and committed man would say, sorry.

I am struggling to think of any MrsColumbo. Basically we were just going along having a casual relationship which i didn't expect to last when i found out i was pregnant.

He can be fun sometimes, and if i bring up what he is like he does try and correct it.

He said he hadn't got that far on his lifeplan, he just knew he didn't want to get married. TBH the marraige thing wouldn't matter if i was felt happy and secure in our relationship. I know that is just me looking for a was of proving he wants me.

Sorry to hear. 23 is still very young; please don't surrender to this man like this...you have your whole life ahead of you

Sorry, but I think you're on a hiding to nothing here. He's not committed to you, and he can't imagine a time when he will be committed to you. But yet he wants to control you. I know the first year after a baby is bloody hard on every couple - you have to make huge adjustments and we all struggle, but in your case you're also fighting his self-obsession.

Whether you stay or not, FGS put some make-up on and do whatever it takes to get some of your confidence and self esteem back. It really is worth putting up with the moodiness if it helps him realise that you won't be told what to do. It's your face, you do what you want with it.

You will be an attractive prospect for some men,my husband met me when i was divorced with 3 dcs,it never put him off,in fact he loved the ready made family and quickly added to more to it!

sorry two more to it must put the wine away!

I'm sorry, this is a horrid situation but you are stronger than you think. It sounds as if he's extremely immature and selfish. Does he work at all? I can't believe how he could lie in bed all day when you were at work.

It sounds as if you've made you're mind up about leaving him and good for you. I would suggest popping into the citizen's advice bureau for some help as to what you're entitled to as a single parent and how to start claiming child support from him. He doesn't sound like the sort of man that's going to help you much so make the most of friends and family. It's so sad that he's going to miss out but it's HIS fault.

As for the make up thing, I can't bring myself to comment. It's your face/body/ life.

Good luck and stay strong!

In my experience the best way to turn a situation around is to work out what YOU want then work towards it.

Reading this thread I would imagine you want to feel loved, cared for, supported, in a relationship that's going somewhere with someone who is committed to you. It sounds as if you are getting none of this and I'm doubtful that you ever will with this chap. You can lead a horse to water but you cannot make it drink I'm afraid.

Pick yourself up, dust yourself down, do your make up and hair and start making an effort in your appearance. You will feel so much better and when you start to feel better about yourself you will attract positive people towards you.

Thank you all so much. I don't really have anybody to talk to about this in RL. I lost touch with alot of my friends over the past year.

The thought of leaving him is scary. Everybody seems to think that we have this perfect life but it is so far from the truth. I feel like i will be letting people down if i leave him. I know my parents will worry and i don't want them too.

I don't feel like i am the same person that i was before i met him. I just want to be happy again.

I remember when dd had just been born and we were still in hospital, the girl in the bed next to mines boyfriend was visiting and i could hear through the curtain him telling her he loved her and she had done so well. I was just sitting there crying because i knew i would never get told anything like that.

So leave him. There is no alternative. He is a selfish self- absorbed, lazy emotional vampire.

What's to keep?

Your parents will ultimately understand because they will want you to be happy. You are young, you take pride in your appearance , you sound sensible and far too clever for such an immature and selfish man. You have a beautiful baby and a strong mind and lots of love to give. You will be a very attractive proposition for a kind and loving partner once you have left this selfish fool and given yourself some time to recover. You sound strong and brave and lovely and you should make the life you deserve for yourself. It will be his loss, not yours. Good luck. You can do whatever you want.

There's a thread here somewhere about listening to what he says.

He appears to be telling you the truth.

Take him at his word, and leave.

I am not suggesting this is easy, but he's dropping the biggest of hints.

You're 23. Still young enough to make something really amazing out of your life, to be a strong female role model to your child and, eventually, to find a partner who appreciates you. Don't settle for this.

I have a daughter nearly your age and if I thought she was about to leave such a lazy, self indulgent man I would be absolutely delighted!

I really, REALLY doubt whether everyone thinks you have such a perfect life. He may be able to pretend in front of friends, but nobody will fall for it.

You are so young and you have such a future in front of you. You just need to grab it now with both hands. For god's sake don't tell him you're leaving because he doesn't want to get married - why the hell would you want to marry him, when there are so many nice men around? If you mention marriage, he may think he has to do that in order to keep you - it would be the biggest mistake of your life.

Is he working? Are you working now? Go to this website which will tell you everything you're entitled to claim whilst you sort yourself out.

What sort of job would you like to do? If you're not trained in that, why not consider a college course to get training?

You will have to be brave. Speak to your parents, I'm sure they will want what's best for you. You'll probably find they've been biting their tongues, trying not to say something bad about him.

Either

a. You leave him to his adolscent lifestyle

or

b. You tell him that regardless of whatever vague "lifeplan" he may have, things changed when he became a father and now he has responsibilities, including a responsibility to do his best to make a secure, committed present and future for his family.

If he's unable to contemplate this then go to plan a.

"Not in my life plan". Indeed! Sorry, but what a tosser! My god! He sounds the very worst of men- arrogant but with no ambition at all.
I know the sort. They're a nightmare.
(If arrogance were present WITH ambition it might be bearable. If laziness were coupled with a laidback, non-controlling non-arrogant attitude, it may be acceptable).
Try to get some support in real life. This guy is an idiot-you're better off without.

The fact that you've lost a lot of friends over the last year is a real worry, too. I was 21 when I had DS1 and the first of my friends to get on that treadmill, so I do know how hard it is being a mum at a relatively young age - really lonely and isolating. My ExH also isolated me from my friends (sometimes by making passes at them - he was a classy bloke) and told me that we didn't need anyone else. He also hated me wearing make up. After years of utter shittery, I got to 25 and realised that I could either get out and create a new life for me and DS, or stay until DS left home, by which time I'd be bitter and twisted and full of regrets. Ditching him was the best thing I ever did.
If you can't really think of any good things about your DH then does he have a place in your life plan? Being a single mum isn't a stroll in the park, but then neither is being in a relationship that makes you feel like you're stepping in dog shit all the time.

Thankyou all so much.

He is working, he is self employed, lucky if he earns £12,000 a year. He could earn alot more if he made a bit more effort. He is an artisty type so it's all about "not selling out" apparently.

I am on maternity leave untill January, so if we are still together i will go back to work part time, if not i will leave. It isn't a job i enjoy though, I would love to be able to do something different (and better paid)

I tried talking to him again today. Went through everything. He said he feels terrible for what he has been like and wants to make e happy, but he still can't just give me a simple compliment.

When we first got together he did like to be involved in everything i did with my friends. He would want to come out when i met them but then moan about where we went or what we did. It just made it miserable so we always ended up leaving early.

"When we first got together he did like to be involved in everything i did with my friends. He would want to come out when i met them but then moan about where we went or what we did. It just made it miserable so we always ended up leaving early."

Which is precisely why he wanted to come out with your friends - he managed to do a good job of cutting you off from them with his actions.

Sorry not in my lifeplan in this situation equates that he is just not that into you.
Formulate your own life plan preferably with him not in the picture.

I asked him if he wanted to break up. He said no and cried.

I know i will be much better off without him, but i still want him to be very present in dd's life and maintain a good relationship with him.

I just can't believe this is how my life has turned out. I love my dd like nothing on earth but this is crap

Please please don't think that if you leave this man you wouldn't be an attractive prospect to another - that is so not true. I speak from experience, there are plenty of truly lovely men who accept their partners children as part of the package and treat them as if they were their own.

Most new mums feel dull and boring. The best solution it to make yourself feel good about yourself and if that means putting make up on, do it! For you, not him.

Your man is thoughtless and selfish, maybe your no nonsense chat will work.

Sorry you are going through this.

First of all I'd say one thing: talk to your Mum. Provided she's supportive etc, which it sounds like she is, talk to her. This always makes things so so much better for me.

Seems like there are two things you need to deal with here.

The first and most important is YOU. Just a few thoughts from my experience:

I had a baby nearly 9 months ago and hit a real low at around 6 months. I felt boring and crap too. It really helped to make sure I shaved legs, put make-up on, did hair etc. Sounds shallow but it perked me up. Never mind what your partner says about make-up, he's talking out of his arse. Also really important to meet up with other mums. Are there any playgroups you can go to locally? Yes you'll have plenty of generic "how's she eating/sleeping" conversations. But chances are you'll hit it off with some of the other mums and make true friends. Can you also reconnect with old friends- without your partner being there? Do any of them work evenings/nights are can be around in the day? Get out of the house every day, it really helps.

The second issue is, obviously, your partner. It sounds like you know what you need to do. It is really bloody scary but you seem bright, capable and on the ball. You can handle it.

I really hope everything works out for you. Hold on to your beautiful daughter, she will get you through it.