I am fed up of feeling so unwanted and crap

[coldnose]

I'm feeling really down and crap. Would like some advice about my relationship if anyone can help.

We have been together for 2 years and he has never told me he loves me. He says he finds it hard to give compliments and say nice things. I know some people do find it hard to ne lovey dovey but it would be nice to be told sometimes.

I am finding it hard to put into words what i want to say, basically he is unsupportive and selfish. I had our dd 6 months ago and my whole pregnancy was about him. How would HE cope? How hard would HE find it? I don't thiink he ever asked me if i was scared or worried. I was working 10 hour shifts starting at 4am and would come home to find him still asleep in bed with the flat in a mess and no food in.

After dd was born he was pretty bad, he dotes on her but is a bit of a "fair-weather" father. Especially in the early days when i would literally not sleep for days on end (dd had reflux and cried alot) A couple of minths ago i called him on it and he got better, he now gets up with her in the morning so i get an extra hour or so in bed.

I just feel so unloved and unwanted. I used to be confident and carefree. Now i feel boring and crap. I used to take pride in my appereance but he thinks it is vain to wear make up so i don't. I just find it isn't worth the hassle of him being moody about it.

I feel like i want to leave but i am scared. I am 23 and none of my friends have children. I wouldn't be an attractive prospect for any man so can see that i could end up alone for a long time.

I asked him the other day if he ever wants to get married (not just to me, in general) he said "it's not in my life plan". I asked him if he ever wanted to but a house, he said "I don't want to be stuck in one place"

Reading what i have written i feel like there is an obvious answer but i feel like there is good in him, he is just thoughtless and clueless.

Sorry this is really a big ramble and long. I was just typing as i was thinking.

my ex hubby was like this with me.
i never felt loved at all.

when i "moaned" about it he wud just say thats the way he is and it was the way he was when we met..blah blah blah

23 with a lovely little girl?? pls dont think for one second this makes you less desirable.
its once you get to 36 with 3 kids to 2 dif fathers that you start to think these thoughts!!

maybe if you started to have your own interests, contact ur friends n get back in the circle, wear your make-up if it makes u feel better - then you will become more of a challenge to your DP...?
and his "life plan" will involve wanting you...

xxdx

Honestly, dump this man. If you hadn''t become PG you would have dropped him long ago. He is not good partner/father material and it isn't worth wasting any more time and energy trying to make him into something he's not.
By the sound of it what he likes/values about you is that you earn money and do housework, so he's quite happy to keep you indoors, servicing him, but would rather you were doing it out of fear and insecurity than as part of a loving relationship. FOr whatever reason, he feels that making you happy is not something he should be expected to do as he 'never asked' to have a child - however, he doesn;'t want you to have the conficence to leave him as who will wash his shitty pants and pay for his hobbies then?
Sort out with the CAB things like finances, housing, access etc and tell him you are leaving, that the relationship is not working, and you will be as fair as possible about things.
He may, of course, grow up over the enext fuew years and be a nice, loving (if flaky) father to DD but you won't have to service him and feed his ego any more.

Exactly what SolidBrass says. There's no point in staying with him.

Do you realise how happy you will be when you are on your own?

TBH he does have his good points. He does basically all the housework since i pulled him up on it a good few months ago. He also does most of the cooking and lookas after dd very well.

But then, it isn't so much about the practical side of it, i feel like i need a bit of emotional support from him which is what he is rubbish at.

I do need to stop making excuses for him (it was how he was raised, he hasn't had many relationships ect) and just boot him up the backside.

I think my main worry is if we break up he will continue to have this good social life (his job is very social so he does have to go out alot for it) and i will just get even less time to myself and end up sitting in every night with dd therefor meaning i will never meet anyone new. It doesn't help that alot of my friends have moved away this year so i can only think of one person who i could actually do anything with

SGB you have it right about me only being with him because i got PG. I know the old me would have got rid, carried on having fun and forgotten all about him by now.

Thankyou everyone for replying. It is so nice to have people saying supportive things.

find claim another dump vile benefits him

Not sure if that is grammatically correct but you get the picture, that pretty well sums up the advice you'll get here. Oh almost forgot to add the word "sorry" and the emoticon for "schadenfreude" - oddly I can't find the emoticon listed. Strange that

u wudnt be stuck in house whilst he parties !! far from it.
its amazing how many people r happy to help a single mother :)
i even used to do shared sitting (i wud take care of a friends child one week, she wud hav mine the next)

u r young!!! only stay and try cos its wot you want to do - not cos you feel u have to!!

xxx

huh?

He treats you as if you were his property, and tries to wear you down by emotional abuse and appalling treatment of you while you were pregnant and dealing with your baby.

You won't know yourself when you boot him out of your life and start wearing makeup again. Your life won't be the carefree single life your childless friends have, but it can be whatever you have the energy and motivation to make it, and you'll be surprised how much energy you have when you're no longer carrying this deadweight around.

The only good thing I see so far is that when he stopped beating you down briefly it felt better than when he was doing it every day. So no, he's not a good man underneath it all. He's a moron who needs to be told to pull his weight around the house because he has a baby.

what marantha and Katisha said

Actually, most of the advice above is spot on

All of the advice that you have already had is spot on - you really need to get rid of this man. He has done his best to get you under his control and make you feel helpless so that you will stick around and cater to him.

Unfortunately, having a child doesn't magically turn a loser into a good husband/father. You are very young and there is no need to waste your life on this idiot. I really hope that you find the dignity to get away from him

Thanks for all the advice

Does it make sense that i don't think he actually means me any harm or to upset me? Most of the time i just think he is so self obsessed and head-in-the-clouds that he just doesn't see what is going on.

if he is a reasonably sentient adult, he would undersatnd that saying he does not see marriage, or a house in his long term plans would be upsetting to his partner and mother of his child

sounds like his life has changed very little since the baby arrived

you're 23 . i was married at 23, so it's not too young to settled down IME, but with all these warning signs.... , well, i'd be very careful

think 5,10, 15 + years down the line, do you see him in your life. more children?

it's ok to split with someone who makes you feel sad, empty, alone and unloved

unloading the dishwasher and doing hte hoovering is not a substitue for being there for someone

My alarm bells also rang, sweetie, when you said you 'wouldn't be a good prospect for any man'. I suspect it's your partner making you feel like this - and the reason I suspect this is that yes, I too have been there: no kids, fortunately, but convinced that I had to stay with this bloke because surely nobody would want me because he didn't.

At 23, believe me, there are loads more blokes out there .

You're right lulumaam, his life has stayed pretty much the same since dd was born. Ironic really seeing as it was him who was freaking out about how different everything would be.

One of my biggest worries is how his general grumpyness will effect DD as she grows up. I know she is only 6 months old but she is such a happy wee thing; always smiling and giggiling. I don't want her to have to put up with a grupmy dad all her life. I sure that i am being irrational there though because he is goow with her now so hopefully that won't change.

I just want to say thanks to atswintwolengths for that link. According to that i would get most of my rent covered by housing benefit so i don't neet to worry about having to move right away. Is a weight off my mind.

Self-obsessed is not 'just self-obsessed'. It's a huge problem.

The way he relates to the baby right now will change 100% when she learns the word 'no'. Everyone relates well to a baby, lying there, making gooey little smiles at anyone. It's a huge ego boost for him to be completely adored by a helpless baby. But when she turns into a toddler with a mind and mouth of her own, it will be a different story. People like this man don't know what hit them when they're suddenly faced with toddler tantrums, and it can all go very sour very fast.

Hi Coldnose, just wondering how you are and whether you have come any closer to making a decision about DDs father. Hope you're ok.