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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

It is not fair and I have enought...............

37 replies

PARDONNEZMOI · 27/10/2010 19:17

Namechange here sorry.

I have 2 ds, 6 and 3 and I work from home 4 days a week and have been for 2 years and a half.

I have my own business and dh works as a project manager.

We are both working.

During half term I'm in sole charge of the ds, dh doesnt even know when the school breaks up.

Since saturday I have been feeling shit, flu, teeth ache, vertigo, really feeling shit.

I had to take the time off yesterday as I was really unwell which means losing money. I still had to take care of the ds.

Today, back to work but still feeling unwell, asked dh to stay to look after the ds but he says no unfortunately he couldnt do it. It is not the first time I have asked him and he never helped me.

I earn as much money as him, shouldnt the childcarre shared or his job is more important?

He never takes time off during half term but really happy to take time off for cheap holidays in my family abroad.

What do you think ?

OP posts:
Appletrees · 27/10/2010 19:19

I think he is taking the michael and you are right: it's not fair.

CarGirl · 27/10/2010 19:20

Sounds like you need to to have a discussion when you are better stating that you will either have to give up work or he will have to take on half the childcare!!!

blackwidowspider · 27/10/2010 19:22

have you talked to him about sharing the responsibility of childcare?

Original poster
PARDONNEZMOI · 27/10/2010 19:31

I just cant take it anymore, I'm in tears, 3 years when he completely ignored his part of childcare, always coming up with bullshit excuses. With all due respect I am not a stay at home mother, I work hard and when I'm feeling really hill (which is rare) or the ds are in holidays, the childcare should be shared, he gets 25 days a year, I got 5 days so far this year.

Cant take it anymore

His boss tolod him that I should get a support network, I cant always rely on the goodwill on my friends, I refuse to do it, it is not not fair.

OP posts:
Original poster
PARDONNEZMOI · 27/10/2010 19:31

I have talked to him many times.

OP posts:
CarGirl · 27/10/2010 19:33

Then what do you propose to do?

Is it a deal breaker in terms of the relationship?

Can you employ a nanny?

Original poster
PARDONNEZMOI · 27/10/2010 19:36

I do drop off / pick up at school
Every holidays since my last ds was born.
He keeps all his holidays for the summer holidays, the cheap one (my place).

Today'strigger : I saw a nice pair of shoes which I love, I didnt buy a new pair of shoes for years and all he has to say, knowing how ill I feel : Do you have a saving plan for it ??

I gave up a job I loved so one parents were with the dcs and I get fuck all respect. fuck all.

OP posts:
Original poster
PARDONNEZMOI · 27/10/2010 19:37

What I propose is that he becomes aware that the dcs have holidays and that he should share so not everything rest on my shoulders.

OP posts:
Original poster
PARDONNEZMOI · 27/10/2010 19:38

I cant employ a nanny no unfortunately.

OP posts:
blackwidowspider · 27/10/2010 19:40

could you find a childminder and share the cost?

Original poster
PARDONNEZMOI · 27/10/2010 19:43

I'm a childminder.....

OP posts:
maktaitai · 27/10/2010 19:45

'I gave up a job I loved so one parent was with the dcs and I get fuck all respect. fuck all.'

Was he involved in this decision? I assume so. In which case, you need to say all this to him. Loudly and repeatedly.

Don't make proposals at this stage = you fixing things as usual. Tell him the problem. Let him start to get his head round you solving it together.

What the hell has his boss got to do with your family arrangements - unless in fact your dh has asked his work for flexible working and been turned down?

sozzledchops · 27/10/2010 19:45

It is unfair and no wonder your pissed off, of course he should help more but with many of my friends this seems to be the case that despite 'equality' and new men etc - women still pick up most of the slack. Maybe you should show him what you wrote and ask him if he really thinks it is fair. Taliking about can easily decend to arguments and lots of 'twisting' the facts. That's why I'm quite happy to be a SAHM (luckily we can afford to) as I realise this situation could easily happen to us and cause major argument and resentment. Don't see why I should go out to work and do the lionshare of childcare and housework plus husband does lot of business travel so I'm effectively a singlemum for weeks on end.

Original poster
PARDONNEZMOI · 27/10/2010 19:52

Most of the time I dont mind this arrangement (Ilove my beautiful mindees) but what happens if I'm sick and that my familly is all abroad, that my friends are busy with their own children..etc. Childminding is great as it allows me to stay at home with the ds, and the ds are really fond of the mindees.

I'm always anxious when half term comes as I know I'm going to be completely on my own. The ds dont complain but I just wish dh will take the time off and take the ds to do some activities (I dont drive). My mindees are little so still have naps so we have to wait for them to wake up, there is so much I can do with my children.Why should I be the only one caring about my ds happiness during half term ?

OP posts:
CarGirl · 27/10/2010 19:57

REally you need to have a very frank discussion with your dh when you're feeling better. One of the advantages of being self employed is that you could take more time off (unpaid) during the school holidays - perhaps have a couple of trips to family over the half terms and have a shorter one in the summer when your dh accompanies you.

Could you pay the air fare for some of your family to come and visit you during school hols and at least take your older one out and about more?

Original poster
PARDONNEZMOI · 27/10/2010 19:57

He was involved in the decision to take on childminding, he told me that after a while I would only have to do it for 3 days as he was going to find a new job with more money etc..

He has been 12 years in the same job.

Our situation is complexed but still, we are both working earning the same wages, he has 25 days off a year, me well it varies (I had a week so far), in these circonstances, we should share the childcare equaly or at least when I'm feeling ill ??

OP posts:
CarGirl · 27/10/2010 19:59

Yes when you are ill he should absolutely be taking time off to look after you.

As you have a child under 5 he can take unpaid parental leave off in addition to paid annual leave.

Original poster
PARDONNEZMOI · 27/10/2010 20:00

Financially we are not top, HE messed up last december by going crazy spending on xmas gifts on the dcs knowing we were going to my country for xmas where they got gifts from my sisters.

We really recovered financially from that in july and have been able to save for the taxes just this month.

OP posts:
Original poster
PARDONNEZMOI · 27/10/2010 20:01

He never takes time off when we are sick, never.

Last year, I was ill due to bug, I had to beg coming home, he never did.

OP posts:
CarGirl · 27/10/2010 20:02

Do you actually still want to be with him?

Casmama · 27/10/2010 20:05

"His boss tolod him that I should get a support network" - his boss is clearly a sexist idiot as well.
I think you should advise your mindees parents that you are taking the week off next half term and inform your dh that you have booked to go to a spa for 3 days and that he needs to book the time off.

Casmama · 27/10/2010 20:07

sorry x-post. Ok if a spa is not an option financially then why not say to him that unless he takes time off next half term to support you and spend time with his children then he is not welcome to join your family in your country. He cannot always take and never give anything back.

Hassled · 27/10/2010 20:07

You haven't actually produced one single redeeming feature that the man has. What do you like/love about him?

You're absolutely right - he's showing you no consideration or respect. Some people can tolerate that; I know that I couldn't. You work as a team, you support each other or otherwise it will all go tits up.

Could you show him this thread?

Original poster
PARDONNEZMOI · 27/10/2010 20:08

He is a weak man, it is all I can say. I'm sorry I'm crying.

OP posts:
becaroo · 27/10/2010 20:08

If you think being a SAHM means your dh will come home if you are ill you are VERY mistaken.

I would have to be unconcious/blue in the face for my dh to take time off. He even worked when our ds1 was very ill in hospital.

Being a SAHM has nothing to do with it!!!