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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh doesn't 'agree' with me having anti-depressents...

53 replies

nemofish · 27/10/2010 18:32

Quick backstory, I have struggled with my mental health all my life, most of the time I function very well as a balanced human being but there have been times in my life where I have struggled - really struggled.

Things have been a bit rough for me over the past year, but I have done my best. My dad passed away a week and a half ago, and dh dropped a bombshell of his own and tbh I am in pieces and I can't fucking cope. I have lost half a stone, can't eat, can't sleep and more worrying I keep thinking 'I just want to die' and I think about self harming (I used to cut my wrists)

Dh doesn't know that I have been having these thoughts, and I could never risk leaving my dd or him, but the thought of just dying and everything ending for me is so seductive, iykwim.

I have told dh that I will try and get myself to the doctors tomorrow, I will be honest with my gp about how I am feeling and whatever they suggest I will go with. I don't care if its Prozac or beta blockers or fucking vitamin B if it helps keep me going. Now Dh is pulling disapproving faces and saying he 'doesn't like the idea of anit-depressents'

AIBU to say well you don't have to fucking have any then, if you hadn't dropped a fucking bomb on me jsut after my dad died then I probably wouldn't be fantasising about topping myslef now you stupid twunt?

I don'[t want to row with hium, but i am struggling to keep my 'cool' with him, should I tell him how I really feel? I am angry at him but I honestly don't want to make him feel guilty - he is not soley responsible for my mental state, but I feel if he is going to pull faces then he should pull faces over soemthing that matters WITHOUT THEM I CANT CARRY ON I WANT TO DIE

OP posts:
EldritchCleavage · 28/10/2010 14:39

You're not rambling my dear, and even if you were, that would be ok.

Please don't put off going to the doctor-all that would achieve is to make you suffer longer without help. And do please ask your doctor about accessing some therapy too-any help you can get your hands on really. Look after yourself and tell your DH that you really need his support.

I know what it's like to have to deal with hard stuff from the past, but trust me, it is so much better dealt with than not dealt with. You deserve help and love and support, don't ever doubt it.

ItsGhoulAgain · 28/10/2010 14:39

Sweetheart, you haven't rambled at all. It's really not surprising you feel crap, you've had a welter of stuff to deal with - most of it emotional shocks that 'ordinary' people never even need to imagine. Please be ever so kind to yourself.
Yes, get all the support you can - chemical (legal) and human. And chocolate [hwink]

Sarsaparilllla · 28/10/2010 14:47

Sorry you're having a bad time nemofish, my mum suffers from bipolar so I can really sympathise with your problems.

Sounds like your DH doesn't really understand mental health problems, it can be hard for some people to understand an illness they can't 'see' for themselves.

Go and see your GP, and talk to them about your DH reaction to your illness as well. It might be worth you having an appointment where he comes with you so the doctor could help him understand.

My mum ended up in hospital recently because her symptoms spiralled, I'm sure that's the last thing your DH would want for you, and it's really important you speak to someone soon.

I hope you feel better soon x

ItsGhoulAgain · 28/10/2010 14:49

Thanks for today's first chuckle, Lavenderboo, albeit a gallows-type one! Ah, yes, "Pull yourself together" ... gosh, what a great idea, I'd never thought of that Hmm
And "Think positive" - oh, you mean deny, deny, deny? Thanks, but I've given it up.

mummytime · 28/10/2010 17:24

Get yourself an emergency appointment. Yes you are an emergency, someone on mumsnet has said so. If you are not sure you can explain yourself in 5 minutes, take a written note.

If you feel really bad before you can get to the doctors phone the Samaritans 08457 90 90 90 or email [email protected]. Or womens aid might be able to help: 0808 2000 247 Or this website might help www.abuse-survivors.org.uk/

Good luck!

Longtalljosie · 28/10/2010 18:01

Just go. He is your husband, he is sharing your life, not running it.

I realise you're feeling very vulnerable and not at all assertive, but you know in your heart what the right thing to do is, for you and your DD.

What your DH means when he says he doesn't want you on antidepressants, is he doesn't want you to be suffering from depression. But you are. And so you need to go to the doctor and sort it.

Original poster
nemofish · 28/10/2010 20:53

Thank you all for your good advice.

Told dh everything today, he knew that I 'wasn't right' but he had no idea how bad I am feeling - he said I seemed to be coping on the outside, but I do that for his sake and dds.

He is worried about dependency on anti-d's and side effects, and coming off them, but he said he would much rather I did that than find me slitting my wrists in 3 months.

I will be at the doctors at 8.30am tomorrow, clutching a little note for when I sit down in the Gp's chair and go blank

OP posts:
Longtalljosie · 28/10/2010 21:22

Good for you Smile

SolidButShamblingUndeadBrass · 28/10/2010 22:30

Your H is not a mental health care professional, so while he is entitled to his opinion, you are entitled to tell him to keep it to himself as it isn't helping. He doesn't have any say in what medical care you have, he is not your owner.

wonderstuff · 28/10/2010 22:37

I think that unless you have experienced depression it is very difficult to understand. Glad that you spoke to DH and that you are getting help.
I hope the dark cloud starts lifting soon
Take care

dontdisstheteens · 28/10/2010 22:41

Nemo - will be thinking of you tomorrow. You husband does not understand the need for medication. That is not a crime - but you go and see someone who has spent years studying, they will get the need.

Take care, if you feel bad phone for help on the numbers given earlier. ADs can make you feel worse initially so tell husband you need him to be there for you over the next few weeks and you will explain more when they are over and you feel better. I reckon he sounds sound (hee hee - could not resist that sorry).

One day at a time , I hope you get some sleep tonight.

EldritchCleavage · 28/10/2010 23:40

Nemo,
Another one who will be thinking of you tomorrow.

Sleepingonthebus · 28/10/2010 23:48

He sounds like mine. Apparently I was a loony, and just needed a good shake (PND).

Needless to say, we're no longer together.

Sleepingonthebus · 28/10/2010 23:53

Oops, just saw you've spoken to him and are now seeking help. Hope tomorrow goes well for you.

Twiceshy · 28/10/2010 23:58

Nemofish if it is any consolation whatsoever, when I first developed clinical depression, I did not realise I had it. My GP took blood from me as she thought I was "under the weather", I had only taken my DS in for a check up. She called my DH at home and asked him to bring me in and for him to sit in on the appointment. Turned out I had PND big time and she gave us BOTH a choice, either I took the AD's for 18 months or I carried on the way I was for the next 5 years. DH advised me to take the medication. For him, seeing his wife not able to talk or function was frightening. What he had not realised and what I realise about you, is that I was thinking of jumping off the roof of our house because it seemed to me, in my mental state at the time, to be less painful than what I was going through.

I stil have bouts of depression but I think that is my personality; I put up with alot of shit before I hit the pan. C'est la vie.

SharonGless · 29/10/2010 00:09

Good luck for tomorrow
Hoping that now you have been honest with him about how you feel that maybe he will understand a little more and let the medical professional make a decision on what medication will be best for you.
I understand that he will have his own views on AD's which will have been brought about by his perception of what happened to his mother. However you are not his mother and you need help now - if the GP decides that AD's are best way forward then take their advice.
I think you know that you have reached the end of your tether and what you can cope with at the moment. I am so sorry for your loss and hope that you also get referred for grief counselling.
Your DH will need help in understanding how you feel though if you want him to help you get through this.

ItsGhoulAgain · 29/10/2010 00:32

Well done, Nemo. I hope you remember your note Wink Please let DH take some of the strain, even if you have to give him written instructions! I know depression can place too much strain on a partner, but you're shooting so far off the other end it's bonkers. You are a highly articulate, self-aware and sensitive person: I have confidence that you'll know how to wisely help him to wisely help you. xx

Original poster
nemofish · 29/10/2010 15:21

Went into the doctors and burst into tears Blush I am normally one to keep a brave face on but couldn't today.

Saw the mental health crisis team before lunchtime today, talked all about my history etc (should have told them to advance search my talk name on here!) and I have someone coming to see me tomorrow to support me at home.

I have no worries about dd's care, dh is very good and can tell the washer and dryer apart and everything. Grin

It has been hard for me to admit that I am Not Ok. But really not so surprising. I don't really know what it is to be okay as I have only ever been 'coping,' had anxiety all my life and my first panic attack when I was six, I was raised to have no self esteem whatsoever and I have done it well. It is going to be difficult to learn what it is to be Okay.

OP posts:
ItsGhoulAgain · 29/10/2010 16:45

Oh, I'm so glad you're going to get some proper support! YOU DO DESERVE IT. You're ever so brave but, really, it's not necessary to be brave all the time ... Much love :)

Alfreda · 29/10/2010 18:39

Glad you went and got help, Nemo. Good luck. Hopefully they will kick in within the next couple of weeks and you will feel much more able to deal with it all.
Sorry about your Dad.

Original poster
nemofish · 29/10/2010 20:29

Thanks ItsGhoulAgain and Alfreda and everyone.

One of the mental health team peeps dropped a temporary perscription off at 7pm! I can't believe how amazing they have been, and I know part of that disbelief is because I don't think I deserve help, not really, never have. Ridiculous. I have plenty of compassion for other but none for myself!

I think I will see this as the time that was darkest before the dawn. I hope.

OP posts:
ItsGhoulAgain · 29/10/2010 21:42

Yeah, that totally scary glimmer of light, huh? Like the Chilean miners, who had to be given special black glasses before they stepped out of the hole ... Wink
Don't worry, you can keep your glasses on until you become accustomed.
xx

Original poster
nemofish · 29/10/2010 22:06
OP posts:
ItsGhoulAgain · 29/10/2010 22:17

[hgrin]

ilovesooty · 30/10/2010 04:02

I'm so glad it looks as if you're going to get the help you need. Well done for getting to the doctors and very best wishes for your recovery.