Told a friend I loved her and lost her

[GoMets]

when searching Google for Relationship preblems, this site always comes out quite high with answers. I?m not a mom or even a woman, I?m a Guy (although feel like a boy!) and would appreciate some advice please. Just say the word and I?ll goto Stupidf*ingjerks.com or somewhere if you prefer.

This sounds like a bunch of high school BS, but this is making me crazy and would really appreciate some advice from a gals POV.

The short version ? Guy meets girl, girl and guy becomes very good buddies, girl flirts and tells guy she has feelings for him, guy misses opportunity of a lifetime due to being an immature idiot, guy finally plucks up courage way too late and loses friend.

The very long version

A few months ago I told a really good friend of mine that I was in love with her. She is in a long term relationship (4 years) but not married.

I used to work with her years ago at the same college and we became very good friends. We used to go out quite a lot on work nights and there was some mutual flirting going on. We got on very well though and had a very natural thing and could talk about anything.

She then announced that she was leaving to become a vice principal in another city. At the end of her leaving party, there was just the two of us left waiting for her ride home she was pretty drunk and she put her arms around me and said she had always liked me and maybe we could go out with each other sometime, there was almost a full on kiss but I thought I shouldn?t really take advantage, but said I would like to go out with her, she then got picked up. Even all these years later, I still can?t believe I didn?t take that kiss.

We did go out a short time after, it weren?t really a date, but there was a lot of flirting going on from her, lots of long looks and gazes and kept touching my hand when talking. It was looking quite promising, but a fight started on the table behind us (I thought it was a quiet bar), so we quickly left and the evening just sort of ended. My shyness and inexperience meant I didn?t take it any further than a friendly peck on the cheek.

She then moved away to another city, but we kept in contact with flirty emails and texts, but despite getting, what I perceived as romantic gestures from her, I never took it any further. I never stopped thinking about her though.

Then I moved to another job and didn?t really see her for a year due to the travelling I had to do and she then met her now partner. I moved again to the same city as her and started meeting up with her again about 3 years ago and I realised that I really had to tell her how I felt about her before it was too late or regret it forever-it was wrong I know that. I had to try to overcome my shyness. My lord that sounds so Douchey!

I thought the easiest way to do this would be to write her a letter so that she wouldn?t have the awkwardness of a face to face meeting. So the last time I met her, I gave her the letter. Cowardly S.O.B right?

She sent me an message later saying that she has never been attracted to me and that we cannot really be friends anymore because of how awkward I have made it.

I apologised and that was the last time we have spoken. This was a while ago, but I just can?t seem to get over this. It feels like a combination of the feeling of a break up (even though we were never in a romantic way) and a feeling like the grief I felt when I lost a close relative a few years ago. Its just always with me.

I don?t know whether I would have felt better never asking the question and always wondering, but still remaining friends or telling her and losing her forever. I know this sounds like a little kid writing this, and I really don?t want to feel like this anymore, but it feels like I?m just carrying around a huge boulder of regret.

Do you believe there is a way that we can ever be friends again? Have any of you ever experienced something similar? Is there anyway to rebuild bridges?

I know that we are never going to be together in a romantic way, but I miss her so much as a friend. I think there are people who come into your life and have such an impact on them, that you just can?t imagine what life was like before them.

I know I have got to move on and meet new people, I have tried, but its just always there.

So come on then, knock it out of the ballpark, tell me how much of a Douchebag I am or how much I should just man up!

You are not a douchbag.

From what you have told us your friend has been somewhat disingenuous .

SHe was the one pushing for a relationship all those years ago .

I don't see why you revealing your feelings has made her say you can no longer be friends. That seems a very cruel thing to do. No wonder you are hurt.

Yes you do have to move on and meet new people . yes you might rekindle a friendship with her and if you do I hope it starts with an apology from her.

I think she shouldn't have been flirting with you if she knew she had feelings for you as that is just mean.

I would try really hard to move on. If she is like this over a perfectly reasonable letter I wonder what she would be like if you did date and broke up.

Not going to call you names or tell you to man up.

But I do think hankering after this woman is probably stopping you meeting someone else - and there might be a possibility that on some level it's a handy get out clause so that you don't have to do that very scary thing.

There's a bit in Eat, Pray, Love (not a great book but this bit really resonated with me) that says soulmates are not your perfect match, but people who come into your life and reflect you back at yourself, showing up all your flaws and strengths. Then they leave, and it hurts, but leaves you stronger and wiser.

Perhaps that's who she was? She has taught you not to beat around the bush in future, and maybe that you need to work on your self esteem?

Because that sure shows up in your post. Douche-bag indeed Honestly.

Oh yes, and she does sound a little bit of a game-player.

maybe she has said that because she does have feelings bit she doesn't want to act on them. so she would prefer to cut you out altogether?

tbh it could be so many reasons why she has taken this tack, but my advice would be to try and look at the positives. try and take something from the experience and move on.

you sound lovely, if a little over-analytical

Do you know, you sound like a right sweetheart, and someone (worthy of you) will see that soon. She's moved on I'm afraid, and taking the easy way out in saying she didn't feel anything in the first place. She's fibbing of course, she did then but probably not now, she's just not being very truthful or fair about it and breaking your heart a little in the process. How old are you?

HI- yes, best if you try your best to move on. Maybe you will be friends with her again at some point. In my time, I had much better results when I was most relaxed and confident. Do you mind me asking how old are you both?

Thanks for your responses, yes It has hit my confidence quite a bit so thats where the self esteem issues are. I really should act my age I'm 35 and she is 31.

I think it really took her by suprise which may be the reason for her response. I don't know if we'll ever be friends again, but I have to try to move on and maybe that will be a bonus one day.

yes, if you relax and enjoy yourself it will come!

You actually have no choice but to move on. Don't have any regrets either. The friendship was what it was and its time to meet someone who'll return your feelings.

And I think you sound lovely.

You sound ever so sweet ... I know that's supposed to be an insult but this isn't "Stupidf*ingjerks.com" and I mean you sound great!

She might have been dicking you around a bit or the ego boost. She might have meant it at the time, but is now happily attached and no longer interested. She might have been feeling vulnerable at the time, and misread her own feelings about you. The point is nobody knows. She certainly could have brushed you off more kindly.

Quite often here, when a relationship is breaking up, we point out that the OP's "great relationship" was all in her head - a wishful misrepresentation of the facts. I think something similar has happened to you here. In your head, you have been in a relationship with this girl. You've been in love with her, but this was not reciprocated. You've felt intimately bonded with her, while she was simply being friends. Now the facts have slapped you in the face like a wet fish, you have to recognise the one-sided relationship you had with her is officially over. Of course you will grieve and feel heartbroken.

You will get over it. In a while, you'll be able to relish the fact that you had this friendship - and be comfortable with the knowledge that's all it was. In the meantime, be kind to yourself.

I think she did have feelings for you once but she felt you weren't interested so she got over it and moved on. Maybe she has told her 'new' man that there has never been more than friendship between you? Revealing your true feelings has probably frightened and shocked her. She is probably wondering 'why now?'
You sound lovely btw. But you may need to put this down to experience and build up your confidence. I don't know if you will ever be friends again, sorry. But I do know that there are lots of lovely ladies out there who would be elated to meet someone like you- just don't harp on about your lost love.Good luck

I wonder if you have misinterpreted her affection for you as flirting? I think it's something that's very easy to do.

From her perspective, she could be hideously embarrassed to discover that someone she thought was a platonic friend has been harbouring feelings for her for all these years. It can be very hard to be 'just friends' when you know that the other person wants more.

In your OP you say that the only time you came close to kissing was when she was drunk. Firstly, good on you for not taking advantage, second - she was drunk so what she said can't be taken seriously.

I feel very sorry for you, as you are clearly very hurt by this woman. But like others have said, you need to move on and find someone who is there for you.

Just don't bury your feelings next time! If you fancy someone, make it clear that you do!

Good luck.

And welcome to Mumsnet.

(Although I quite like the sound of stupidfuckingjerks.com! [hgrin]

You do sound really lovely, and no doubt will now be overrun with proposals and the like from us keen ladyfolk here

No advice, just sympathy. I know how horrible unrequited love can be, and it must be further compounded by the fact that you are kicking yourself for not taking action earlier. Thing is, she could have, but she didn't. Modern world and all that. Perhaps see that as a sign that it was never meant to be?
Oh dear, I'm probably not helping, am I? It does get easier with time, anyway. I've been there and... yeah. It does, it WILL, get easier. Good luck :)

I hate to put things on a downer, but I think you were wrong to declare all this to her when she is in a long term relationship. You're probably right that she once had feelings for you but I'd imagine she's quite angry that you've pushed things too far when you know there isn't much chance of her reciprocating (due to the relationship). Did you expect her to break up with the guy she's with?

It may be that in her eyes she'll be disloyal to her man if she carries on the friendship with you. A friend of mine made his feelings clear for me when I was going out with my now DH for a while and I had to distance myself firstly because it was blatantly obvious to my poor DH that his feelings were platonic and also because knowing those feelings when I couldn't return them was so so awkward.

You've made a silly mistake. Your heart was in the right place, definitely, but you should have thought it through before you said anything. You may regain a friendship with her in the future but for the moment back off.

She doesn't sound like a very nice friend to cut you out of her life so cruely tbh.

However, I do think she has done you a favour in the long run. Think of how hard it would be to get over her if you were still seeing/talking to her all the time ?? Pretty impossible imo.

At least now you know. Your feelings for her will fade in time and you will be able to move on.

And finally, if it helps, most people have romantic 'what ifs' lurking in their past, I know I have. But you have to learn to leave it in the past (where it belongs) and live life for today.

And GoMets, I'm sorry but I also think she's been stringing you along in the background as a 'backup' all these years. She would have known you had feelings for her but she's not willing to play the game anymore (flirty emails etc) cause she's bagged her dream man. Don't waste anymore time on this girl, you are well rid.

GoMets

Bless your heart. You don't sound like a douchbag at all.

My DH once fell in love with a gorgeous woman, I can't remember how they met, maybe work. Anyway, he never told her just how he felt because she was in a relationship. He wanted to though.

They were always just friends, he went to her wedding, admired her from afar and all that. Anyway, she became very ill and died within a very short space of time from an infection in her brain.

He never told her how he felt because he knew she loved her husband but he did regret it once it was too late.

This is all pre me BTW!! [hgrin]

My point is this, you told her, she denied all knowledge of her 'feelings' for you and now you have lost her friendship. Is that such a bad thing?

Find someone who you can love and who will love you back. Focus on the future, not the past. You can't change her mind. And really you shouldn't try to.

I'm sure you find it hard to have no contact with her but it's clearly not meant to be.

[hgrin]

Welcome to MN!

You do sound lovely, and I hope that you can see this as her having freed you up to find someone who will be more honest with you.

How do you know there isn't someone trying to pluck up the courage to ask you out in turn, if you're not looking their way?

:)

Or.......

Her partner has 'forbidden' her to have any more contact with you, hence, the "we can no longer be friends" line.

If she's with someone now who is a bit insecure or controlling, it might not be her true wish to stop the friendship.

Time & space from each other - get on with your life - and you might just find this woman comes back to you at a later date!

Welcome to MN.

I think, seeing as the leaving do was over 4 years ago (am I right?) and the flirting was way back then before she met someone else she fell in love with... then she's not really in the wrong at all. It's sad that you have this unrequited love but she has clearly made a decision to be with someone else and you'd be better off moving on and finding someone who can love you back.

I think WriterofDreams is right about the fact that you shouldn't have approached her if she was in a long term relationship - I think this probably justifies the way she has cut you off, harsh as it may seem - but it isn't the biggest deal in the world and at least you're not going to be left asking yourself 'what if' for the next few years.

You've done nothing wrong beyond that and I guess the bottom line is that sometimes life sucks and we have rough patches that we need to get through. Would suggest making sure that you stay socially active - you're not going to get anywhere with lonely nights at home and you may just meet someone else - and have hobbies/interests/sports to pursue. Have you got decent mates who don't know her who you could talk to about this?

WHen I say it isn't the biggest deal in the world, I'm not talking about how you're feeling by the way. I can imagine you're feeling pretty shitty right now and I genuinely feel sorry for you.

I think you feel like a douchebag because you know you've done something not quite right--douchebag is a bit of a strong term but it's not the way to go about starting a relationship is it? To pine about someone for 3 years! Then write her a letter, when she's in a serious relationship, presumably with someone she loves. What did you expect would happen?

This isn't about her at all, it's about you, and your approach to relationships. If you're mooning over the unattainable, it means you can't commit to anyone who IS attainable, doesn't it? You've got an easy out, because you're in love with someone else. Have you had any proper serious relationships, and do you want one?

She was a bit deceptive with you, and that hurts, but you know what? It happens all the time, men and women do it to each other, most people get over it.

Thank you for your responses and kind words, it is very much appreciated. I am sorry for not getting back sooner, it helps to not spill coffee on your laptop and have to send it away to be repaired!!!

To comment on some of the responses, she is a genuinely nice person, who I don?t think would want to deliberately hurt someone. Yes, she could have responded a bit more kindly and I won?t say that it doesn?t hurt more than any pain I have ever known, but what I did was a big shock and something I should have done, when we first knew each other. She can?t be blamed for her response. It is (was?) more than just my interpretation of events as other colleagues witnessed the way she was with me and commented to me on them and it is still very apparent from those emails of her feelings at the time. Now that she has moved on, she has probably forgotten a lot of the things she said and just how good we were together, getting on so well. I really do miss our chats, the laughs we had about anything and nothing. But I guess that doesn?t matter now.

I have had long term relationships and I know that this is not the normal way to do things. I do wonder whether some people on here have ever made a mistake. I know she is very happy in her current relationship and who am I to change that. But, if you felt so strongly attracted to a person and you know that they were attracted to you, do you take a chance and ask them or live the rest of your life in regret. I tried to do it in the least awkward way I could think of and before she gets married. Yes, it was the wrong time and I asked way too late and will live the rest of my life in regret of that.

I know everyone is saying that I should just move on, but the months fall off the calendar and it really is not getting any easier, especially at this time of year. It will be the first time for many many years that we have not got together before Christmas. I walk around and I see people happy together, people with children and I?m just really saddened. She has left me as a friend on Facebook and I wonder why. There just is this hope that one day, we can be friends again, maybe when she thinks I have ?moved on? from this. I am glad she left me as a friend. I know you all have said that I should forget about her and move on and will surely tell me that I should remove or block her as a friend on Facebook so that I can do this, but I just can?t do that as it will just destroy me and I hope she never does. If there is a chance, a small window that we can be friends, removing her will end that and me. But its so difficult, its like I?m being haunted by the life I could have had. I can?t see a way past this.

I have been reading a few posts on this website in the last few days to try and understand this and one in particular regarding friends from a few months ago sounds very similar to the way that she writes, even the same typos, I am probably very wrong, but on the chance that she is reading this I am so very sorry for this and I hope you can one day forgive me.

Thank you for your time ladies.