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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

should i still go out tonight?

51 replies

isisandivan · 26/10/2010 16:10

ok, a quick one here, so apologies for typo's in advance..

im supposed to go round to a friends for dinner in an hour or so..she had rang me to invite me round. we already knew we would meet up sometime this week but hadnt planned anything solid.

My partner was aware of this and was fine about it. however i havnt seen my friend for about a month and the last time i went we argued about it all night when i got home and he told me to leave. he said i came back too late (half nine-ish) and that he was waiting for me and was angry because i didnt reply to his texts straight away.

today before my friend invited me round to hers for dinner (she is paying, i have no money) my partner hinted that he didnt want me to go to meet up with her so i said that if we go to a cafe he could come (i hadnt asked her this yet and was unsure of what we were going to do) he does have some money and said that he wasnt sure because it would be expensive and he wanted to buy and electric heater for the apartment.

anyway, about twenty mins ago my friend called and told me what she had planned for us, and i felt guilty about her paying and was unsure..so then partner suggested that she come round ours and he pay for a takeaway and we watch a film or chat whilst he plays online games. i texted the suggest to friends and then she called back saying she really didnt mind paying for the meal at hers and so i said ok (as long as she was sure) i told the partner and now he is angry saying im choosing her over him, that he isnt coming to a family party this saturday (he wanted to go out drinking with friends instead anyway) and that i should invite my friend seeing as she means more to me than him!

ok i know he is being a dick and rather unreasonable but should i go or should i stay..as i know if i go he will be very unhappy and guilt-trip me all night when im back home and possibly all week up until the party so that he doesnt have to come.

OP posts:
ledodgy · 26/10/2010 16:12

Is he always this controlling?

pickledbabe · 26/10/2010 16:13

hmm.
go to your friend's.
it really isn't any of your P's business.
he knew about it in advance and now he's trying to sabotage it?
not on.

spookyhalloweenFluffypomkins · 26/10/2010 16:14

GO!

saythatagain · 26/10/2010 16:15

That does controlling and childish in a stamping my foot because you're not doing as I tell you way. I'g go.

nannynobnobs · 26/10/2010 16:15

Really hoping he has some good qualities! He sounds like a complete arse. :( You should never be made to feel guilty about seeing friends!

Original poster
isisandivan · 26/10/2010 16:16

ledodgy funny that- he likes to come across as the victim in it and complians in a whining voice and says : 'see how mean you are!' whenever i do something he doesnt like.
i just tried calling him and he let it go to voicemail. (hes nipped out to get the heater)

OP posts:
Bast · 26/10/2010 16:18

Go.

If he gives you any hassle, refuse to engage. Do not defend yourself, just ignore.

Oh, and ask him to leave unless he addresses his behaviour and his issues immediately.

ledodgy · 26/10/2010 16:21

God he sounds very immature. Go out and come back when you like. You are a grown woman. Do you have children?

Ragwort · 26/10/2010 16:21

This is seriously controlling - have you been with your (D)P for long? What are his good points?

Original poster
isisandivan · 26/10/2010 16:23

bast ive done that before...never works he actualy starts packing my things saying that if i ignore him so much that i cant love him. ive tried every approach..nothing works apart from me surrendering and apologizing for my 'bad' behavior. even then he doesnt quit let it go....
but so far people are saying regardless of circs i should go!:)

OP posts:
atswimtwolengths · 26/10/2010 16:23

If you have no children, I would go and stay there whilst I looked around for somewhere else to live.

deste · 26/10/2010 16:23

If you start giving in to him over this what will it be next. He wont be happy till you give up all your friends and relatives. Stand up for yourself and dont argue or listen to him when you get back. Tell him it his problem and to sort himself out. I wouldn't bother to be honest I would just tell him to get lost permanently.

Bast · 26/10/2010 16:25

Go and don't surrender!

He can't be your keeper unless you allow him to be lovely.

Original poster
isisandivan · 26/10/2010 16:27

im pregnant..no kids yet!. he has only turned this way since ive been pregnant as before we would go out regularly and didnt live together (so he generally didnt know what i was up to unless i told him)

the thing is- he still does go out drinking and coming back in the morning even if i ask him to come back earlier say at 1 or 2 in the morning...he is also older than me (dunno if this has anything to do with it) so i do get confused when i see him behave like this. he does have good qualities and i am very depending on him during this pregnancy but still no reason for this behavior!!

OP posts:
Original poster
isisandivan · 26/10/2010 16:32

in fact ill text my friend to tell her what is going on cos i know she will be waiting for me..this is sooo embarrassing!!

OP posts:
perfumedlife · 26/10/2010 16:32

Oh for gods sake. Why are you having a baby to this man?

The last time you went to your friends he went in a mood as you were so late back, at 9.30!!!

And he wants you and friend at yours so he can listen in. What an utter creep.

Hullygully · 26/10/2010 16:33

TELL HIM TO FUCK RIGHT OFF.

FFS.

PumpkinLightsForHalloween · 26/10/2010 16:38

So it's ok for him to go out all night (or even until 1 or 2am), but 9:30 is too late for you to come home?
Can you not see how unreasonable and controlling that is? What is acceptable for him should be acceptable for you, not these blatantly double standards...

boudoiricca · 26/10/2010 16:39

I would ask your friend to tell you this evening (honestly) what she thinks of this man and your relationship...

kingbeat23 · 26/10/2010 16:40

Oh why am i seeing so many threads like this at the moment, were they always there and i never looked properly or have half the population of MN come to the realisation that they are having relationships with controlling twuntheads.

GET OUT OF THE RELATIONSHIP NOW!!!!!!!!!!!

If you think this is bad now, you wait unntil the baby comes along and you cant go out and meet your friends as you can now. I am talking form experience and also have a look at isittimmy s thread.

His redeeming features are?? the fact that he is the father of your child. Yes, absolutely. We dont know the others as you haven't told us, however, I can feel that as you post you will realise that this man is nt a very nice person at all. He will try and control you and your life and try to isolate you from your friends.

Why do you think that he is willing for you to have your friends at your house? Is the possibility of you and your friend being under the roof so that he can hear your conversations and other ways of controlling you.

I'm sorry if this might come over as paranoid and maybe not in an easy manner to read, sometimes my posting style comes out wrong, but after reading so many posts like this recently, I can only urge you to leave.

My XDP was exactly like this and never wanted me to go out at all, wanted me to stay in with the baby, wanted to go out with his friends and never asked me to come with either. He could go out until am and no questions were to be asked by me.....what do you reckon of the chances that he was an emotionaly deprived twunt head who wanted to have the best of both worlds whilst controlling my life, destroying my self esteem and generally being an emotionaly blackmailing morally abusive fuckhead...thankfully we parted 6 weeks ago and ive never fely better, i wish it had happened ages ago now.

go out with your friend and explain to your friend what he was like the last time and this and see what your friend says about the situation....

spookyhalloweenFluffypomkins · 26/10/2010 16:41

Just go to your friends as planned,let him sulk.

PumpkinLightsForHalloween · 26/10/2010 16:41

Also, I suspect that the reason your friend is so happy to pay for dinner is that she'd rather not have to spend time in his company. Have you talked about your relationship with her?

PrettyFeckinVacant · 26/10/2010 16:43

Is he your Dad??

You are a grown woman, are you??

I really can't believe that you are putting up with this behaviour.

What would you tell a friend who was in the same situation? Would you tell her to pander to the man and not go out with her friends?

Original poster
isisandivan · 26/10/2010 16:44

i have..i already know what it is..but just sitting tight till i get the keys to my new apartment.

ive told him all about double standards..ne way just texted the friend to tell her and to see what she says then try and get through this..dont think ill actually end up going though so im counting on her saying she doesnt mind coming round here....
p.s i should get the keys to my apartment in 2 weeks so i dont have to put up with this for much longer!!Grin

OP posts:
amothersplaceisinthewrong · 26/10/2010 16:44

Go out, don't apologize, don't explain, just go. Does your DP ask your permission to go out...