Sudden divorce

[janey0568]

Totally first time posting so please excuse poor etiquette. Celebrated 21 years with husband on sat. Not all plain sailing admittedly but to the outsede world everyone thinks we are "perfect". Not a good thing as pressure to appear so is great. Yesterday husband tells me it is over, we are different people and he is organising a divorce. I totally understand things have not been great but I put it down to modern life, teenagers etc and thought we would get through it. He is a lovely guy but very cold emotinally and once he has reasoned something through in his head then that decision stands. Iknow I have got moany at times about other people constantly bigging them selves up all the time but he assumes I want to be like them. I am sure I am demanding at times but I do feel like I do try in life to make family life good. I have persuaded him to give things another chance as I was deavsted yesterday. He has gone away today on business so I am trying to get my head round things I can do to improve everything. This prob sounds all a bit pathetic but I am in shock about the severity of the decision. Any thoughts or help I have no one else to talk to as I am the listener in my group of friends and family and this would all be too unbelievable to them. Feel at sea to be honest

Wow. So you're saying this is a total surprise? Has he became distant with you recently at all? Do you think there is anyone else involved?

Sorry for your situation.

What a shock Janey, you must be feeling awful :(

Sorry to be blunt, but I always suspect another woman in these scenarios. Can you do some digging?

Just a word of advice x

Don't even bother to try and 'improve anything' - I did this - It did not change a thing.

There is no point at all.

Do not bend over backwards being a mug and a 'yes' person so that he is happier.

He won't be. He'll change the goalposts and you'll still split later down the line.

Bitter with men? Moi?

Agree this must have been festering for him for ages, and the fact that it hasn't been talked about at all implies that either he feels it is not worth fighting for, which goes against everything that you have said, or that there is someone else involved and he has moved on in his heart alread, (or another anatomical part)
Really feel for you. I must say I agree with previous poster that it is not up to you to save anything if he feels like that, he will just do it all again at some point. Hope you have good friends, and lots of support around you. Is he saying he would divorce you? On what grounds?
Good luck x

whatever you do make it look and feel like you are very happy with this decision. then go out and have a great time. oh and tell him that the decision is final and if thats what he wants to do he cant ever come back.

There is no one else, it's not his style but I can see that is an obvious. The comment about the goal posts I agree with. Thanks for responses I can perhaps give a bit more info. We married very young and after quite a short time together. I am( was) very outgoing and described as a breathe of fresh air by him and his parents. I relaised early on he was not ever going to be life and soul of the party but maybe thought that was a positive having dated jack the lad types before. The relationship with his parents has always been strained as they split a year into our marriage and then got back tgether. They are to put it simply quite happy being miserable! Husband has become more "stoical" as he has aged and there is little time in his life for fun. He tolerates frivolity but is visbly uncomfortable with it. To most people he is a very controlled person to be envied. Try living with that! To make things worse I have done most of the childcare, taking time out to be with the children when they were young but returning to full time, term time work 4 years ago. This works great but I am conscious I have a deeper rlationship with them. Feel like I am rambling now! I feel there is an easy solution which is to talk in a neutral place about positives rather than negatives...he says that is impossible, but that is probably because once he makes a decision he does not waiver plus by his own admission he cannot "do small talk". I value the investment of time and love I have put inot the past 2 decades and think that throwing it away would be the ultimate failure.

Hmmm. I'm not sure it should be all down to you to 'improve things'. It takes two people to make a marriage work. It takes two people to put the effort in to repairing a broken relationship.

Don't let him dictate the terms. If this is going to work, you will both have to make changes.

Gosh if I had known how much support this site gives I might not be typing this now! I am well aware I need to make adjustment sinmy life, I take too much on and try to please everybody, which clearly please no one, not least myself or husband! I do know he needs to put osme effort into this too as does he. Unfortunately he is adamant that the things that I struggle with, his inability to chat, his sometimes overly serious nature are things he cannot do anything about. I have then shouted that I think that is arrogant and if he loved me he would try and meet me half way. I think he has just given up. I wish he would see that he has become a middle aged grump and see the funny side of it. Sense of humour is genetically missing a little but I do think it is worth saving I really do.

For the record he states he is happy to divorce and take all the blame. Also he is a very black and white person so I can understand the rash decision sounds just that but to him you make black and white decisions. For example, and I used to find this funny, when we met after a very short time he wanted t get married because in his mind he was not looking for a fling he was ready to settle down. In my yuth I thought that was quite cute now I consider it a bit strange and I guess telling him that was not great for his confidence.He is very much the type of person who if he doesn't want to do something then he won't and that has made for some awkward situations. Part of me thinks that being compliant with things for a bit and stopping expressing my feelings may just see things work out and he may feel better. I have a fantastic job and perhaps if I stop trying to corner him by talking to him I can get us back on track?

But does he think it is worth saving? would he consider relationship counselling, giving the years you have had together this chance. Also for your kids? Even if they have grown and left home it can be really hard to cope with parental split. You can't fix it on your own, and if he has made his mind up without you then there is nothing you can do about it.

It sounds like you could be yourself more without him dragging you down too though, so if he does make that decision for you (by not agreeing to work on your relaionship) then who knows what fulfillment could be waiting for you in the future?

FFS why do you want him back? He sounds like he's been a miserable blight on your life for 20 years, grumping and growling away in the corner and making no effort.
Let him go; you will be amazed how much freeer and lighter you will feel.
But - and here's the important thing - go and see a solicitor now. Do not be suckered into believing that 'we can sort it all out amicably between us' - what a man always means by this is 'I am going to dump you and I don't care what happens to you so I am going to hide my assets etc'.

Some people are just controlling and don't see that they need to alter their behaviour.

They are always right.

They don't often (rarely actually) apologise.

I think he has made his decision by the sound of it.

Oh and you indicated above, that you don't want to throw away two decades of time and love away, or something to that effect.

Janey, you are certainly not doing that, HE is.

xxx

Yes! Forgot to say, when he is out take copies of all financial details, important papers, everything! Go to a solicitor asap - don't listen to husband - DO NOT TRUST HIM FROM NOW ON - HE MAY HAVE ALREADDY SEEN A SOLICITOR AND WILL BE BEING ADVISED HOW TO DELAY, SOFTEN YOU AND SAVE HIMSELF WADS OF CASH HE WILL HAVE TO PAY YOU.

Basicly do not listen to him. Listen to your solicitor.

Truth hurts and many years ago an old boyfriend made the same comments at a party about me being dragged down. I of course was determined to prove him wrong. Perhaps everyone else sees that and pretends not too? As for if he wants it to work that is a really tricky one. On one hand yes I think he likes success and that would drive him but on the other hand he is very much a loner who just does not need people. Truthfully I have addressed this before and identified myself as either very special that he has stuck with me or very stupid for not realising that eventually he won;t need me either. It is not like he is unfriendly at all when you meet him he just does not sustain relationships as he says he cannot make small talk, and he can't, but also come sfrom a family of people the same. Gosh do I know if he wants to fix thngs. His answer would be that it is impossible. Does this make me sound like I am flogging a dead horse? We did have some counselling a few years ago but we did what we always do and put on an amazing show of understanding and unity so the counsellor thought we were amazing.

Thanks for tips on finance etc but I am not bothered about making money. I earn a decent salary nd he is very generous in terms of being transparent about money. That is not an issue at all. Money is not a motive for me at all. He seems quite convinced I will be "snapped up staight away" which is I guess his way of reconciling a snap decision. I don;t want to be "snapped up" though. I want a simple life with someone I can confide in without him thinking I am attacking him.

i don't get how this can be so out of the blue. Were there any signs at all it was going really downhill?

He is suddenly actually organising a divorce? Has he been generally more distant over the past say 6 months, or shorter?

I know how shocking it is tho. They lie, they fester. My ex dh did this to me, suddenly announced he didn't love me anymore and was off. No discussion, no trying, just went.

I know there wasn't anyone else, but there was a chance he'd been texting another married woman for advice, who i think he had a crush on. this got the ball roling for him to come to the realisation it was all awful and not even worth discussing. You say he is wiling to give it a go? Do you think he really means this? My ex was with someone else within 5 weeks.

The more you write about his nature, the more he seems controlling, can you see this when it is there in black and white? He is manipulating your low self esteem.

Go to solicitors, do everything you can to make sure you will be financially ok, don't depend on him to help sort it out, he sounds too selfish.
I suspect you could be on the cusp of a new life of freedom for YOU, honestly, many women have truely found themselves when free of a bad relationship, worked through the pain of it and found fulfillment on the other side. Keep coming on here for support and company. x

I think festering has def happened. I think that he has got fed up with me moaning, which to be fair is minor compared to most women I know, I think he has the nature that needs to fix things. I really don;t want to sound naive but truthfully don't think anyone else is involved he is brutally frank about things so would have told me ...I hope.
To say it is out of the blue is true. Things are probably like most modern familes having their ups and downs but he does brood and then come up with out of the blue decisions quite regularly such as he will wake up and say "right we are decorating such a room ....and if you don't get it all sorted and planned then he loses interest and the "window of opportunity" so to speak is lost. Oh gosh I understand he is dead fed up of me and I just want to show him what we have is worth carrying on with really.

Sounds like you want to keep hold of the facade you show of a great marriage, rather than the reality of what it actually is.

You say that this (your split) would be too unbelievable to your friends. I wouldn't be too sure of that, actually. To the less perceptive ones, maybe, who've bought into the show. But I predict that a fair few will confide in you that they think you've been ground down by him.

Guys thanks so much for listening. I am going to get off to the gym and carry on clearing my thoughts on this with some of your advice firmly in mind. I think one thing I have taken away from this is that is ok to admit it needs to stop. He is controlling but I have never seen in it such a bad way but comments from friends and family over the years do indictae this has been discussed. I will be back as I am just overwhelmed that having bottled up sorries for ages I could have got some help when things were niggles instead of so serious. Some great advice I will be back...workout time to clear my mind.

Actually I feel really sorry for both of you - this intimate relationship is all in your head - you have invested so much in it.

He is unable to respond (probably because of his unhappy parents) and your family has suffered because of his lack of emotional response.

It will be very difficult to change this - particularly as he sees no problem with being this way and shows no desire to change this.

I can only say that you deserve better, that if you want an emotional life then you will have to move on and get one for yourself.

Yes, you will need to secure assets and stuff. This disengagement could extend to him retreating still further emotionally and seeing you as an adversary.

My ex-husband was like this - he has moved on and had a more emotional life with someone else. However while he was divorcing me he became very adversarial as he cut off the part that used to (nominally) care for me.

If people see things in black and white you can quickly be moved to the 'black' pile - this would also keep him further emotionally 'safe' if you just became the bad guy.

BTW
"Sounds like you want to keep hold of the facade you show of a great marriage, rather than the reality of what it actually is"

I think that is def a valid comment

Janey have a proper think about why you want this marriage to continue. You're being very honest about keeping up the facade for years, but perhaps that has become such an ingrained habit for you that it has been years since you sat down and pondered what makes you happy in this marriage and what it is you love about him.

Try and work out what you would really miss if you were out of this marriage. Then try to project what might be the gains for you.

I would be astonished if there wasn't another woman lurking in the background here. If you're new to Mumsnet, you won't have seen the hundreds of posts from people who have said that their H "wasn't the type".. Although I note what you say about shock decisions being synonymous with his character, this one is rather different to the examples you've provided, because there are children involved.

You are on the cusp of an enormous decision that is going to change all your lives. Surely it is madness to make a decision without all of the information to hand? So, in your shoes, I would be trying to find out whether the shock element of this is because he has already moved on to someone else.

I too would be amazed if there isnt someone else involved . Men do not move out of the family home and all its comfort to live in a crap flat by themselves . You say your not bothered about money , but as others say you need to see a soliciter straight away as he is likeley to start hiding funds or being very difficult.

He WOULDNT have told you if he had someone else , can you imagine ? You might have kicked him out there and then , told all your freinds ect and divorced him for adultry . This way he can act reasonable and stay in the family home enjoying its comforts , and the ego boost of you trying to convince him to work things out.

You simply cannot keep someone who doesnt want to stay , and he doesnt sound a barrel of fun at all . Have you ever really " been married " at all in terms of imtimacy ect ? He sounds extremeley controlling. I dont think i would have him living in the family home while he organizes this divorce , does he have plans to move out at all ? I think id tell him to fuck off out .

I am really grateful for all this advice. He has been in contact all beit via text today and it sounded less negative than I had anticipated. Many things have slotted into place today not least the fact that we have both "grown up" since we met and life has been incredibly busy. I can see that at the end of a long day I have clearly moaned to many times about things and as a fixer rather than a listener he has got frustrated with me. What I wish I could change is being able to sit down and explain a bit about me to him. That I appreciate I moan about stuff and frankly do get depressed about our peers bigging themsleves up constantly. I have deactivated my Facebook account this morning..did not really use it but think it had an adverse effect constantly reading smug postings of very smug sister in law and her self named friends..."the clique" Think that might help as I do moan about her so called amazing life with "the girlies". Anyway in his defence he has encouraged me to get out and meet new people but in his world that means a vague simplistic how do you do type friendsgip. When I make friends it always becomes more involved. I am going to be rational and grown up and talk to him this week. My parents know things are not great but again they don;t want the hassle of facing up to the reality of there being problems as thye are evry wrapped up in their own marriage and each other. I guess all this responsibilty to be perfect causes a lot of stress and I have taken it out on us as a couple. Think the world we live in has not helped, or I have allowed it to drag me down as I never feel good enough. Again perhaps my own self esteem needs to improve before anything else changes? I am sounding life a real mid life crisis now!