Sudden divorce

[janey0568]

Totally first time posting so please excuse poor etiquette. Celebrated 21 years with husband on sat. Not all plain sailing admittedly but to the outsede world everyone thinks we are "perfect". Not a good thing as pressure to appear so is great. Yesterday husband tells me it is over, we are different people and he is organising a divorce. I totally understand things have not been great but I put it down to modern life, teenagers etc and thought we would get through it. He is a lovely guy but very cold emotinally and once he has reasoned something through in his head then that decision stands. Iknow I have got moany at times about other people constantly bigging them selves up all the time but he assumes I want to be like them. I am sure I am demanding at times but I do feel like I do try in life to make family life good. I have persuaded him to give things another chance as I was deavsted yesterday. He has gone away today on business so I am trying to get my head round things I can do to improve everything. This prob sounds all a bit pathetic but I am in shock about the severity of the decision. Any thoughts or help I have no one else to talk to as I am the listener in my group of friends and family and this would all be too unbelievable to them. Feel at sea to be honest

I am now completely baffled about what is going on here. He told you he was arranging a divorce and today you are texting eachother and saying the problem might be your life-envy via Facebook?

No we are not texting each other at all. He texted me and I read it as less antagonistic as his face to face behaviour yesterday. He is away on business the text was relevant to travel. Perhaps should not have mentioned that. It is all still very uncomfrtable.

Sorry, I re read that post and I suppose it sounded stupid. No everything is exactly asit was yesterday he just is now away on business so the harshness of the face to face conversation we had yesterday has gone away if nothing due to distance. He has simply texted asking about travel arrangements. That does sound odd but that is his way and yes I do get mad about it. He is very cool and would not think anything odd about asking me a perfectly normal question following a blazing row...yes it is infuriating and normally I would get annoyed but I am trying to keep things together. The life envy thing is way off actually, I do get frustrated at listening to moans and groans of everyone yet them posting smug comments every 2 mins....it is done with the intention of making others feel inferior and I am intelligent enought ot know that. I understand how the comment was taken though. I guess I just feel a bit unloved and know that I have given up far too much of my freedom and personality to try and fit inot this marriage. Thaks for posts I sense I am old enough to get on with this and also that I cannot explain 20+ years in the space of a day and a few posts. Envy is one thing I do not suffer from, but I agree it may come over like that. I am not a quitter and perhaps that is my worst problem that I am too keen to prove that rather than go out and be brave and start afresh?

I think you sound like a wonderful person going through a very difficult time,i really do wish you all the best for the future,i hope that whatever happens you will be happy.

Frustration about modern life seems to be the big issue griped abput here. I agree people do talk about themselves and how greta they and their kives are all the time and this perhaps highlights the imperfections our own lives. Men either go along with wives or stand up and say shut up.

janey0568 - you and your dh could be me and mine! Even the in-laws!

We've been together 25 years - married 17. We met at work and my old boss once told me not to marry dh because 'he'll stifle you'! How his words ring in my ears!

I do think you need to accept that people are different and can't change. If you're gregarious and sociable you can't really understand why someone else isn't - and it can be really irritating. But meanwhile the other person thinks 'Why can't I just sit back without him/her interfering and trying to make me do something I don't want to?' Have you ever heard of Honey & Mumford learning styles? I'm an 'activist' whilst dh is a 'reflector'. That doesn't make either of us right or wrong - we're just different and sometimes it causes friction.

I have pondered the future of our relationship - I'm not sure that I can imagine being Darby & Joan once our boys have left home.

If I emphasise the positives then - like your dh - mine is kind, considerate, reliable, trustworthy etc. He's been a great dad and a tolerant husband. I'm always disappearing off for the weekend in connection with leisure/sporting activities. Meanwhile he's a 'home bird' who does metal detecting and geocaching!

There's a great deal of comfort in a long term relationship. It sounds as though your dh has used the 'threat' of divorce to bring matters to a head. Perhaps you had never contemplated that he would do this. I certainly kid myself that any split would be initiated by me not dh, but perhaps that's not true.

OP - how long is he away for? His timing was such that he dropped this bombshell just before he went away and just after you celebrating 21 years. If he is not willing to enter into a proper discussion with you regarding his desire to try to improve things and carry on with your marriage, I think then what he says - he means and (I speak from experience) however much you want to try, it takes two.