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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is this a load of bollox??

40 replies

Dentonsbabe · 25/10/2010 21:04

I've met someone, and been seeing them for about 3 mths.... someone I've known just in a friendly sense for about 2 years through work that has recently become more, its been quite intense as we see each other at work everyday. I'm just feeling very unsure about everything - I've fallen hard for him, and he's told me he's in love with me too... however, he told me the other day that he is still affected by something that happened 15 years ago - he was v v hurt by a woman he lived with for 5 years through university (18 - 23). He said he didn't look at another woman in all that time, but when she finished her degree she got a job in London, moved there and decided that anyone who wasn't part of her great new London life was out - including him. She just cut him out of her life, just like that. He says he's never got over being hurt like that, and decided that he would never put all his eggs in one basket again so to speak, and is probably one of the most untrusting people ever. To me I can understand what he's saying, but we've all been hurt in the past - I was in a similar situation myself at a similar age - is this telling me he can't be trusted himself because he's scared of being hurt so much? He said he would give anything to be able to meet and trust someone. We get on so well, I think he's amazing, and he's told me he thinks the same and that I'm fantastic. Please be gentle with me - I do have some suspicions but am interested in others' opinions....

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PercyPigPie · 25/10/2010 21:19

This story sounds familiar - is he Scottish?

SheWillBeLoved · 25/10/2010 21:22

Bollocks. He'll forever use it as his get out of jail free card when he gradually gets arsey about you going out, routes through your phone etc.

Even if it is true, he shouldn't be such a selfish arse as to enter into a relationship with someone knowing is issues. He needs to be single, and invest in some serious therapy.

SheWillBeLoved · 25/10/2010 21:23

his

EnSuiteShed · 25/10/2010 21:29

No, I don't think it's bollocks.

I think he is just letting you know that he has been badly hurt in the past, and he is warning you that he does not want to be hurt again.

You are probably the first person he has felt as strongly about since her, which is what has made him bring it up.

My DH said something similar when we met and we are now married with a ds and been together 7 years.

Dentonsbabe · 25/10/2010 21:30

heh - no not Scottish...

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EnSuiteShed · 25/10/2010 21:31

Sorry, I forgot to add - it's never been an issue - he was just very reluctant to get into a serious relationship as he had vowed never to be hurt like that again.

DiggeryGravery · 25/10/2010 21:33

15 years ago? Get over it.

I wonder if he's making excuses to shag around.

animula · 25/10/2010 21:35

15 years ago? He was dumped?

Oh no. This is one of those "Listen to what he's saying" situations.

If he really isn't over this, then, yes, he needs to organise himself some counselling.

Leaving aside the fact he is telling you a.) he will not commit to you b.) he will not trust you (both very bad things to be "told", and worse to "accept,), if it is true that he's not over this experience, he is really going to be absolutely no good as a life-partner.

All sorts of things happen to us as we get older, and you can multiply that by ten if you involve children. And he is telling you he has no emotional resilience and no will to do anything about that.

I'm sorry, I do want to be kind, but this is not a great thing for him to be saying.

Dentonsbabe · 25/10/2010 21:35

yes, think ESS you may be partly right, as is unfortunately I think DG... He has had a serious relationship since, but said he didn't trust in that either...

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Dentonsbabe · 25/10/2010 21:37

I posted this on here after having read the thread "when a man tells you what he is like..." - should I be listening to what he's saying between the lines??

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SheWillBeLoved · 25/10/2010 21:38

You can't be with someone who has admitted he won't trust you. You just can't. It's madness. You're setting yourself up for a life of defending yourself, feeling guilty when you've done nothing wrong, constantly reassuring him and worrying about whether he believes a word you say.

Why would you want that for yourself? Confused

ScaryFucker · 25/10/2010 21:40

DB...you know what he is telling you

you read the right thread

now fucking listen

spidookly · 25/10/2010 21:44

He's that upset that his college relationship broke up when college was over? Hmm

Yes, it's bollocks.

ValiumSkeleton · 25/10/2010 21:45

hmmmm. I go with the handy get out of jail free card. I was once so hurt I was on anti-depressants and then unfortunately before I recovered properly got involved with an NPD.

15 years ago is a LONG time ago.

Dentonsbabe · 25/10/2010 21:49

I'm not thinking it would be a case of me having to justify everything I do because of his jealousy - he's incredibly laid back, its more of an issue re. possible cheating...

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ScaryFucker · 25/10/2010 21:50

cheating by whom ?

SheWillBeLoved · 25/10/2010 21:52

Look, he won't trust you, he's told you that much. Him not trusting you is no excuse for him potentially cheating on you if that is what he means. And now, because of him confessing this, you'll never completely trust him. How can that ever work long term, honestly?

If you think he's worth the risk, then go for it. But when it all goes tits up, don't forget that he did warn you.

Dentonsbabe · 25/10/2010 21:53

him! it almost came across like he always feels like he's got to have a back up just in case - he is the biggest flirt....

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lagrandissima · 25/10/2010 21:55

Bin him!

ScaryFucker · 25/10/2010 21:57

eww yuk

I don't like the sound of him

get ready to be crapped on from a great height

but remember he told you in advance !

Dentonsbabe · 25/10/2010 21:57

yeah I know, sounds bad written down doesnt it...

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SheWillBeLoved · 25/10/2010 22:01

Sounds fucking shit written down. Don't let his issues become yours. If he thinks you're so amazing, and vice versa, he'll sort himself out and come back for you when he is ready to be in a committed, trusting relationship. Unfortunately, I don't see that happening at all, never mind any time soon.

I'd cut your losses whilst you can.

Dentonsbabe · 25/10/2010 22:04

thanks ShewillBeLoved! despite feeling shite, I had to laugh at your first sentence! So thanks for that anyway! Grin

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SheWillBeLoved · 25/10/2010 22:14

[hgrin] [bows gracefully]

Dentonsbabe · 25/10/2010 22:15

Welcome Wink

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