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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is this a load of bollox??

40 replies

Dentonsbabe · 25/10/2010 21:04

I've met someone, and been seeing them for about 3 mths.... someone I've known just in a friendly sense for about 2 years through work that has recently become more, its been quite intense as we see each other at work everyday. I'm just feeling very unsure about everything - I've fallen hard for him, and he's told me he's in love with me too... however, he told me the other day that he is still affected by something that happened 15 years ago - he was v v hurt by a woman he lived with for 5 years through university (18 - 23). He said he didn't look at another woman in all that time, but when she finished her degree she got a job in London, moved there and decided that anyone who wasn't part of her great new London life was out - including him. She just cut him out of her life, just like that. He says he's never got over being hurt like that, and decided that he would never put all his eggs in one basket again so to speak, and is probably one of the most untrusting people ever. To me I can understand what he's saying, but we've all been hurt in the past - I was in a similar situation myself at a similar age - is this telling me he can't be trusted himself because he's scared of being hurt so much? He said he would give anything to be able to meet and trust someone. We get on so well, I think he's amazing, and he's told me he thinks the same and that I'm fantastic. Please be gentle with me - I do have some suspicions but am interested in others' opinions....

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Dentonsbabe · 25/10/2010 22:15

Thats not to SF out too! Love your straight talking girls.... Thanks xx

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ScaryFucker · 25/10/2010 22:25

DB...I don't even know you, and I am positive you can do better than this arsewipe

come on girl, bin the twat and find someone better

Dentonsbabe · 25/10/2010 22:33

Thanks SF - glad you're here too! I know.... just need to get the willpower together... I've wanted him for over 2 years... and I've kind of felt addicted so the thought of ending it Sad but yes, i know - no good for me in thelong term...

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Dentonsbabe · 25/10/2010 22:35

I really have never done too well with men - always seem to attract arsewipes...

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ScaryFucker · 25/10/2010 22:37

ok, you've wanted him for 2 years

now you've had him

and he wasn't what it said on the tin

move on before you get in any deeper

quiddity · 25/10/2010 22:37

Sorry, but "incredibly laid-back" can be a bad sign too. I've been with two controlling men and both were incredibly laid-back-- about things they didn't care about.
If they did care, it was a completely different story.

Dentonsbabe · 25/10/2010 22:40

hmmm - hadn't thoguht about it like that....

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EnSuiteShed · 26/10/2010 09:25

"it almost came across like he always feels like he's got to have a back up just in case - he is the biggest flirt...."

Err, ok, just forget what I said then....

If I was in your shoes, I would just ask him outright if he is looking for a serious relationship, because you are, and see what he says.

From what I have read you have nothing to lose.

maliciousinkey · 26/10/2010 09:33

Maybe there was a reason why his college girlfriend felt the need to cut him out of her life - "he didn't look at another woman" - maybe he was controlling and overpowering and she ran away to London. Just a thought.

boudoiricca · 26/10/2010 09:40

see, I thought he was possibly just being a bit pathetic and over-sensitive until this, "he is the biggest flirt"

He's a manipulative, using prick. He will make your life a misery. You can do much better. RUN

maliciousinkey · 26/10/2010 09:44

Or maybe "I didn't look at another woman" actually means "so now I'm not putting all my eggs in one basket don't think I'll stop going out with other women too".

EnSuiteShed · 26/10/2010 09:51

Yeah my thoughts exactly boudoiricca!!!

I think anyone who says they are not putting all their eggs in one basket with regards to relationships, (I missed that bit in the OP) may as well wear a t-shirt saying "Not Into Monogamy"

boudoiricca · 26/10/2010 09:57

It's just a get out of jail free card for bad behaviour... He's enjoying having you around at the moment, but has no interest in ever actually commiting to anyone. This way when you find him giving his number to the barmaid (or when 3 years down the line he's still refusing to share as much as a toothbrush) he can give you the big-eyed, innocent-voiced, "but I told you I was too damaged to commit..."

LittleMissHissyFangs · 26/10/2010 11:54

He's 38, or thereabouts and still hung up on someone from 15 yrs ago, so it may cloud his relationship?

Blokes don't DO that kind of pining, not for THAT length of time.

Oh this is a HUGE Get out of Jail Free Card!

Even with the hugest pinch of salt, and assuming that he's telling the truth, he's way too fucked up damaged to be a viable partner.

disengage, and move on.

Dentonsbabe · 26/10/2010 13:52

Yes, thanks to all of you honestly for your support... Today I am starting to, I think (hope), disengage.... I'm feeling very angry with him at the moment - about this and other things, which is helping a bit. He's just turned up in the office, so I'm trying my best to ignore, ignore, ignore Grin...

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