Access to the kids

[singlemum2]

I am new here so please be kind. I really need some advice.
My DP walked out on me and our two children at the end of July. DD was 5 weeks at the time and DS is five. Since the day he left he hardly paid any attention to the kids and paid me no maintenance for the past three months. He had my ds twice over at his place(it was about a month ago) and his new girlfriend for whom he left me was there.He rents a bedroom from his mate who lives in a two bed flat. He didnt spend any quality time with him, sat him in front of a telly or let him play games on xbox all day.Didnt cook him a proper meal saying he's got no food as lives on take aways. My son came home hungry (well he gave him lots of sweets and fed him with mcdonalds). I wasnt very happy about it.
After that I told him that I he is not having my son over at his place (especially that his gfnd was there although i asked him not to introduce my son to her as yet. It was far too early. On both occassions he lied to me saying she will not be there. And she was!). He now sent me an email after a month of not seeing the kids and having no contact with any of them saying that he wants to pick up my boy every sat, and have him for the day. Since the baby is still breast fed he says he will see her when he drops my son off and once she is settled on a formula he will have her as well. He also says that it is none of my business who is around my children while they are in his care (refering here to this woman whom i never met).
My question is. Can he actually do this legally? Take my children to some shared two bed flat (he says he spoken to a solicitor) I strongly disagree with my boy spending the whole Sat. with him in front of telly(both times when he had my son he was still recovering from the previous night of drinking as I could smell alcohol on him). I would suggest for him to see my boy Frid after school for a couple of hours and take him to his swimming classes on sun.afternoon
In fact I dont know what to do. I do not really want to be seeing him as am still hurting and every time i see him i just break into pieces so the less contact the better for me. My boy doesnt seem to be too bothered about seeing him either. Please help me out here. What to do....

you ex is quite right....its really NOT your business what he does in his access time! unless of course there are welfare issues!

morally,well perhaps too soon to introduce g/f,but its done now isnt it?

its far better in the long run for your dc to have some contact on a regular basis.

Just one comment there's a lot of 'my' in this. It is difficult early days, but if it went to court he'd get more contact than you are suggesting.

Unfortunately you'll probably have to grit your teeth and let him. It will get easier.

yes,i noticed alot of 'my's' too....op,i know its hard,but he's a parent too. you arent the only parent here.....you have to let him get on with it

court would allocate more if he wanted it....is he requesting more??

Speak to a solicitor. Anyone around your DCs might need to be CRB checked!!!! Just a thought.

If you are worried about the food issues perhaps you could make your son a good breakfast before he goes (porridge or similar) to fill him up and you could make him up a packed lunch,as your ex partner obviously has difficult living arrangement right now this will help and stop you from worrying as much.

There might well be a lot of 'my...me..etc'. Thats probably because I am still hurting, he left me in a very difficult situation, didnt care how i was coping when he left. I have no family to help or no real friends.

He is not asking for more access. He just wants to see my DS every Sat.

Maybe she SHOULD be thinking of herself!

For god's sake, he walked out on her when their new baby was 5 weeks old! He hasn't given her any maintenance for months - how does he expect them to live? He has enough money for alcohol and is too bloody lazy to do anything with their son except sit him down in front of the television.

She should be furious. Maybe the reason she's using "my" is because he OBVIOUSLY doesn't see the children as his responsibility. Her responsibilities must be overwhelming at the moment.

She is offering that he should have the older child twice a week - Friday evening and swimming on Sundays - I completely disagree that a Judge would allocate much more contact than that.

I'm afraid he is broadly right. Whilst your children are in his care you have no control over what he does with them, where he takes them, how he feeds them or who he introduces them to. You can't stop him from introducing your children to his new girlfriend. Equally, when you get a new boyfriend your ex will not be able to stop you from introducing your children to him. Unless he is endangering your children's safety your ex is free to do whatever he wants when they are in his care.

As your son is only 5 his views on contact will carry very little weight if this goes to court (which you should avoid if at all possible). I'm afraid if he does go to court he is likely to get considerably more contact than the 3 or 4 hours a week that you are suggesting. Indeed, if he asked for it he would probably get more than the "all day every Saturday" he is currently asking for. Remember that this isn't about your ex's right to see your children, it is about their right to know their father. That is the way the courts view contact.

I am not saying you should roll over and accept everything he wants. You should certainly try to arrive at something which is acceptable to both of you. But I'm afraid you will have to accept that you have no control over what he does when he has your children in his care.

thats not an unreasonable request by him,and no,nickname2.......you do not need a crb check. would the op need a crb check for a new boyfriend/friend/leaving dc on a playdate?

nickname2 - No, anyone around the OP's DCs will NOT need a CRB check. You can't get CRB checks at random. They are only available to employers and voluntary organisations.

Atswimtwolenghths - You may disagree that a judge would allocate more contact than that but I'm afraid you are wrong. I agree that he should be using the time with his son better but, provided he isn't putting his son in danger, the courts don't care about that. I agree he should be paying maintenance but that is unrelated to contact. I agree that the OP should be furious about being left in theis way but again that is unrelated to contact. It is VERY unlikely that a judge would accept 3-4 hours contact a week as being adequate.

Thank you for your comment atswimtwolengths. He never felt responsible for any of us. he also has twoo other children that hasnt seen for 6 years now. The other woman cut him off completely.

My boy always has a big breakfast first thing in the morning. But him as a parent should be able to provide him a proper meal while in his care and not fill him up with sweets and fast food.

I agree he should feed his son properly but, as with other things, I'm afraid this isn't something the courts would worry about unless he is endangering your son's health. Even then it would most likely lead to supervised contact rather than no contact.

Go to the CSA for maintenance.
And are you sure his ex stopped him seeing his other children? I know it does happen but he does sound a crap dad maybe he stopped seeing them to get out of paying?

I think he should have access to his children as requested, provided he can provide a minimum standard of care while he has his children with him. Yes, that includes feeding them in time, and not getting drunk when he is the only responsible adult around, btw. However he can happily plug them to the xbox all day and SS wouldn't bat an eyelid.

You don't have a right to control what they do when they are with him. Or to choose when new people is introduced to your children. But you can object to visits that are in detriment of the child. Contact taking place in a shared house is not one of those things that would advance your case.

As for maintenance, get the CSA into the case ASAP.

And most importantly, get some support for yourself, you need to stay strong for the sake of the children. And need to move on for your own sake.

Many years ago, when the ex and I went separate ways, a person from the Centre for Separated Families told me the following when I mentioned I have offered to babysit DS when the ex wasn't able to care for him due to his multiple social/work commitments: "At this difficult time it is understandable that you want to keep your child with you most of the time, but you do also need some space to get your strength back and rebuild your life."

She was very very right. Those little breaks when DS went to his dad where used to lay the foundations about what my life as a single mum would be, it helped me to get myself organised rather than overwhelmed by the new reality of being totally on my own. With time you will be able to take on more time with the children or let them go for longer, but that is another's day battle.

She stopped him from seeing them as he never paid for them. He never fought for any contact though. All he ever did was moaned but never took it any further.

"She stopped him from seeing them as he never paid for them. He never fought for any contact though. All he ever did was moaned but never took it any further."

Take that with a pinch of salt... Easier to blame the problem on the other parent than to accept he is a crap dad.

contact and maintenence are very separate issues..

children are not 'pay per view'

Ah this must really be hurting you at the moment, completely understandably.

But, as unfair as it seems, you have to be the grown up here and do what is best for your children's long term future.
As unfair as it seems, feeding them sweets and letting them watch telly all day is not grounds for witholding access. As other posters have said, unless it truly is a major welfare issue, he is their father and they have the right to have a relationship with their dad.

He has hurt you and behaved dreadfully, but that is not your DC's fault and if you can, you must try to keep your anger and hurt out of their access to their father.
If he continues to behave like this, it will come back to bite him and once they are older, they may end up refusing to see him. In the meantime, you must try to be the best you can - ask him not to have g/f round, make the packed lunches etc but ultimately try not to think about it when DS is with him and concentrate of making your life better.

Get legal advice re maintenance etc and be kind to yourself. I know how hard things are now but they will get better. Take care.

chandra-he is a crap dad as his kids never come first. His social life always was more important than his family. That's why I am so confused and do not know how to deal with this situation. I know my ds should see his dad regularly but then again if he is not prepared to drop a contant with his gfnd for few hours so he can spend quality time with his ds why should i be bothered and let him see his boy at all!! His son should be his priority at the moment especially that he only wants to see him once a week!

He sounds pretty crap IMO. And I wouldn't let my dc's stay with someone who fed them junk and stuck them in front of an xbox. What's wrong with the park / swimming / free museum etc?

If he wants to be a dad he needs to put some effort into it.

He can't get away without paying either.

you can't 'not let' meglet. the op doesnt own her dc.....

if it went to court he would not be frowned upon for what has been listed,courts hear far,far worse than this

op,try posting this on www.wikivorce.com....child residency forums

No point getting CSA involved as he already has a huge debt with them for the other two he never paid a penny. They never managed to find him as he frequently changes jobs.

singlemum2 - please you must contact the CSA! Tell them where he is working and let them work on his case.

I hate to see someone just thinking they can get away without paying for their kids.