Access to the kids

[singlemum2]

I am new here so please be kind. I really need some advice.
My DP walked out on me and our two children at the end of July. DD was 5 weeks at the time and DS is five. Since the day he left he hardly paid any attention to the kids and paid me no maintenance for the past three months. He had my ds twice over at his place(it was about a month ago) and his new girlfriend for whom he left me was there.He rents a bedroom from his mate who lives in a two bed flat. He didnt spend any quality time with him, sat him in front of a telly or let him play games on xbox all day.Didnt cook him a proper meal saying he's got no food as lives on take aways. My son came home hungry (well he gave him lots of sweets and fed him with mcdonalds). I wasnt very happy about it.
After that I told him that I he is not having my son over at his place (especially that his gfnd was there although i asked him not to introduce my son to her as yet. It was far too early. On both occassions he lied to me saying she will not be there. And she was!). He now sent me an email after a month of not seeing the kids and having no contact with any of them saying that he wants to pick up my boy every sat, and have him for the day. Since the baby is still breast fed he says he will see her when he drops my son off and once she is settled on a formula he will have her as well. He also says that it is none of my business who is around my children while they are in his care (refering here to this woman whom i never met).
My question is. Can he actually do this legally? Take my children to some shared two bed flat (he says he spoken to a solicitor) I strongly disagree with my boy spending the whole Sat. with him in front of telly(both times when he had my son he was still recovering from the previous night of drinking as I could smell alcohol on him). I would suggest for him to see my boy Frid after school for a couple of hours and take him to his swimming classes on sun.afternoon
In fact I dont know what to do. I do not really want to be seeing him as am still hurting and every time i see him i just break into pieces so the less contact the better for me. My boy doesnt seem to be too bothered about seeing him either. Please help me out here. What to do....

Agree absolutely you should contact the CSA. It may take a long time for them to get any money for you but they won't ever get you anything if you don't contact them. And you can't backdate a claim either, so the sooner you start a case the better.

And I agree absolutely with Chandra and MrsArchchancellorRidcully. He sounds like a crap dad but that doesn't take away your children's right to see him. Your children have a right to a relationship with their father no matter how crap a dad he is.

Whether you like it or not, if he goes to the courts he will almost certainly get the contact he is asking you for and I'm afraid the arguments you've put forward in this thread won't help you. If anything they may damage your case as you would look unreasonable to the court.

Believe me, you have my sympathy. From what you say he has hurt you badly, behaved terribly and is a crap dad. I wish I could tell you that the courts would take your side but I'm afraid they won't. They will take what they view as your children's side and that means ensuring they have a relationship with their father.

All I can say is that I know exactly how you feel, my DD and DS's dad left us for another woman, his now wife! for the past 6 years hasn't really given a S**T about either of them. We split when I was pregnant with DS (now 6yrs old). He has seen them every now and then and sent cards and presents etc but has not been in their life as any sort of role model or with any sort of consistancy. I have been with a new partner now for 4.5 years who has been there for both of them and has given stability and consistancy and we have a DS together who is 18 months old. Both my children call my DP Dad. Well 5 months ago I get a letter summonings me to court over contact of the children! My DD who is 13 told her "real dad" where to go and told him that she had a dad who doesn't lie to her and let her down like he did and she said she didn't want to see him. The court was fine with that as she is of an age that she can make her own mind up.

However it was a different story with DS because of his young age his opinions and feelings didn't mean a thing. My DS found this very distressing. He didn't understand how come his sister could say she didn't want to see him and it was ok, but that he didn't want to see him but he had to go! The court ordered that my DS had to see his real dad every other saturday and that the first 3 visits were just him, after that he could then bring his wife, or whom ever he wanted!!. This continued for 4 months and we have just had to go back to court for a review. My ex wanted more contacted namely overnight contact and this was granted to him, even though we live 100 miles apart and my ex doesn't drive, so it takes 3 hours on a train My DS now has to see his "real dad" everyother 3rd saturday and every 5th weekend will be over night contact. Although he did have to get a 2 bed property before overnight contact could go ahead as the judge said my DS had to have his own room.

My DS is very very distressed by all of this, hes never slept away from home and hardly knows his real dad. We have an awful time at the moment when it is a saturday his dad is due to come. MY DS gets sooooo upset, he kicks and screams and hits and punches me and begs me not to let him go, he runs and hides, it's just so awful. His real dad has to literally rip my DS off me because he is clung so tight. My DS doesn't seem to have a brilliant time with his real dad and seems so releaved and happy to be home. When asked what hes done it's alsways the same thing. Into the local town, dragged round the shops brought a McDonalds and a tonne of sweets, coke by the gallon load, which makes him hyper (I have asked his dad not to give it to him, but i think he does it all the more now!!)and then home. My DS has told me that my ex has said some horrible lies to him about me and my new DP and my DS has also told me about some of the lovely things they get upto in the shops. Like opening cans of coke and drinking them as they go round and not paying for them!

The judge was told of all the distress this was causing my DS and of the things that my ex was saying to my DS and the way in which they were spending their saturdays together and none of it mattered, as my ex is not a druggie, not an alcholoic and not physically abusive, the effects it is having on my son means nothing, in the judges own words "he's a little boy and will do as he is told, his dad has a right to see him and he has a right to a relationship, the sort of behaviour his dad exsubes, albeit childish and maybe somewhat inappropriate is not damaging in anyway" I strongly disagree with this as i think anything that makes a little boy hide under his bed for 3 hours, whilst crying non stop and refusing to come out even when hes wet himself!! IS harmful.

His first weekend away will be 6/7 Nov and so far we have had tears everyday, several nightmares and awful anger and aggression. Its horrible. I think the most upsetting thing is that my DS doesn't understand why his feelings don't matter to the judge or his real dad and that he is looking to me to fix it and i can't.

So basically YES he can be a crap dad and not give a S**T about his kids until he decides he wants to, YES he can fill them with sweets and fizzy and not fed them properly. YES he can do inappropriate childish things infront of them and also encourgae them to follow in suit! and YES he can introduce them to anyone he would like to, even if that is a new GF every week or some of his less desirable mates.

OH and btw my ex isn't paying for the kids either!! AND with regards to the CSA, my experience with them has been awful, my opinion on the matter is personal, we've managed this long with no money from him, We don't need it now!

I hope things get better for you and i hope you learn like i've had to, to "Suck it up" grit your teeth and bear it, there really is nothing else you can do.

Take care Em xxx :)

Thanks for that EMJ. You didnt make me feel any better though, I must say, LOL.

Well, the only thing in my favour might be the fact that he has been abusing drugs and alcohol for years. I actually think he is an alcoholic and two years ago he was referred to a hospital for treatment (we were separated then)as he hit rock bottom. Since then he started taking drugs again and drinking more and more. But then again will the court look into things like that? He has also been convicted in the past (I wasnt with him then)for street fighting. This surely must go against him! I also had him arrested few years ago when my DS was a baby for domestic violence. I just hope that it will all be looked at when and if he decides to go to court.

OMG!! sorry hun, no it wasn't much of a feel better post was it!! LOL

With what you have just posted, I would actually suggest that YOU GO TO COURT and, no other way to put this, but FIGHT! If he has/is a drug user if he is drinking and if he has a history of violence then you more than have a case to restrict his access, contact Barnardos they are fantastic and help with situations of violence and abuse, to offer support and counselling. Also get in touch with a solicitor yourself and CAFCAS. All of his history and present will be looked into. It does unfortunately normally turn into a his word against mine type sisuation but if what you say is true and from the sound of it there is medical and police records to back this up then you have to stick to your guns and stand firm. Tell him that you are going to a solicitor and that until you have a court order in your hand telling you when and where he can see the children that because you are worried for their safety and well being then hes not allowed to see them.

Or better yet don't tell him, just go to a solicitor and let them write him a "nice" letter. I'm am making an assumption here but due to you being on your own and having little children i'm asumming your not working or are only part time in which case you will get legal aid, so check which solicitors in your area take legal aid and go do. DON'T sit around waiting for him, take control and do it yourself.

Em :)

It depends on the details but in general terms his conviction for street fighting and the arrest for domestic violence are unlikely to have much (if any) effect on the contact arrangements. Neither of these necessarily suggest he is a danger to his children.

The drug and alcohol abuse are more likely to be relevant. However, the courts hear a lot of parents accusing the non-resident parent of having problems with drugs and/or alcohol (and, indeed, domestic violence). They cannot simply take your word for it. Even if the courts agree that he does abuse drugs and alcohol and that this affects his ability to be a parent, the most likely outcome is supervised contact rather than no contact at all.

You could follow Em's advice and fight but you need to be aware that the courts grant contact orders in most cases even when there are welfare concerns such as drugs, alcohol and domestic violence. You may be able to restrict it to supervised contact but you may find that he gets unsupervised and overnight contact if he asks for it.

Just to add, I agree with prh47bridge, that even given the alcohol and drugs and violence, the best outcome you can hope for is restricted supervised contact, however that won't last forever as soon as he can prove himself that will lead to longer and eventually over night contact. Unless you can prove the children are in immediate danger. I still think you should go to court so that it is set out in black and white for both you when and where he can see the children. I still think you need to fight your corner and take control of the situation and not let him dictate to you when he wants to see the children. It should be fair to both of you and every saturday is not fair, your little boy is at school all week and the only real time you get with him and your daughter together properly is a weekends, you have the right to take them away do things with them etc on a saturday that you can't do during the week.

I will say again I still think a solicitor and court is best.

Em :)

I agree you shouldn't let him dictate everything. I would recommend consulting a solicitor who is a member of Resolution. They are committed to sorting things out in a non-confrontational way. That should save you money and be better for you and your child. It may mean that you go to mediation with your ex rather than going to court. I would disagree slightly with Em that a court is best. If you can arrive at a compromise through mediation that could be better, provided both of you are willing to stick to the agreement. And if you can't or he refuses, the fact you have made the effort looks good in court and may help your case a little.

Singlemum2 - you're XP is just being controlling because you attempted to set some boundaries re: looking after the DC properly. That's why he's suddenly demanding everything, knowing that it will upset you and because he can do it to throw his weight around. If he cared about his kids he would have stayed in contact even after he left you.

He went for several months without seeing his children, if you took this case to court it would not be unfair of you to say that you want contact to build up again gradually bearing in mind that your DS is only 5, and CERTAINLY because the baby is young and has never formed an attachment to him. He will have to put in a lot of time and effort to get to know the baby before the court will grant him unsupervised access - dad or no dad. have just been in the same situation with young baby - father demanding unsupervised access - he didn't get it - working towards progressive access instead.

Don't agree to ANYTHING you don't want until you have spoken to a solicitor.

Get legal advice now.

If he has an alcohol and drug abuse problem I am not surprised you dont want your ds there.

Get CSA involved too.

Thank you chattymitchy. I will definitely seek legal advise. I really want my ex to have a good relationship with his son, I do want our boy to know his father but I also want this relationship to be formed in a proper environment when our DS is a priority to him (not his new g/f),where he takes care of him like he used to, where he plays with him and spends the whole day with him and only him. I think it is only fair on DS. But what ex wants is to show this woman that he is a good dad and I am the bitch as will not allow him contact with our DC. He is trying to act as a victim here so she feels sorry for him and I know for fact that our DC mean absolutely nothing to him and that if this relationship ends, he will let my boy down and stop seeing him.
When he first left me with a new born baby, I was in a terrible state of mind. I cried day and night, asking him to tell me why he had left. He would say then, ' I LEFT YOU CAUSE YOU PUSHED ME AWAY'. I couldnt cope with the break up,and taking care of a new baby.I was aksing him for help,to come and bath the baby, to take our DS out any time so I could rest and he refused to do so claiming he works long hours (till 4 pm) and needs rest! Then I let him take our boy out and found out this woman was there. The following week I asked him to spend the time with DS only and he agreed. It was a lie as this woman was there too. I asked him to be honest with me and tell me who is around our son but he wouldnt. He lied and lied untill i put a stop to it. He doesnt like it and starts threatening me with solicitors etc. I am just so fed up with it all. I am worried about our DS, I dont want this break up to have a long term effect on him and frankly dont kown what is best for him any more. I wish I could stop this contact altogether but I guess it is not an option.

singlemum I feel for you

Am dealing with something very similar the moment. XP dumped me when I was 3 months pregnant, (said I pushed him away, was trying to force him into a loveless relationship etc) told my parents I'd ruined his life etc (and then tried to insist he could come to the scans after calling me an evil fucking selfish bitch ....) Then when baby born he started coming down once a month. I said not enough for unsupervised contact - he disagreed. I got solicitor involved to get him to come more often - he didn't want to look like the bad guy to solicitor/friends/family etc - so lied and said I'd FORCED him to only come once a month and that I was obstructing his contact - and that he'd wanted to come more often! So - he starts coming once a week, but then takes me to court and actually managed to REDUCE his contact from weekly to fortnightly, all the whilst claiming I bullied him and denied him access with his son!

So - all I can say is just don't even bother trying to work out why he says what he says - he will just lie, lie, and lie in order to manipulate the situation. Get everything in writing, don't believe a word he says, don't listen to his promises, his threats or anything. And definitely don't bother when he tells you that you are obstructing his contact just because you don't agreed with what he is proposing. Contact has to be AGREED and has to be in the best interests of the children, not just demanded because it's what he wants.

I have been told countless times that an absent father will definitely not be granted unsupervised access with a baby until a good bond has been formed between child and father.

Would an amicable discussion about what to feed your ds and how to occupy him be possible? Suggest effortless healthy food eg jacket potato with cheese and salad etc. You could also point out that daddy will be much more of a hero if he gives ds a memorable and educational day out than sticking him in front of the telly.

Sounds like a good thing that he wants more contact but maybe he's not as natural a parent as you and is too proud to ask for advice...might sound stupid but might just work!

Also maybe you could gently suggest he'd get more out of visits if he didn't have to divide his attention between his ds and his gf.

Hope this helps but feel free to disregard as I'm pregnant and haven't had my first born yet!

Good luck - from one single mum to another xx