How to get the truth out of a cheating husband?

[Maybee]

Long sorry:(
On the last day of our idyllic family holiday I borrowed dh's phone to get a pic of everyone in the pool. He totally panicked and got v nervous so for the first time ever I checked his text inbox ..
"Hi Gorgeous, the weather is not great here so I won't have a tan for you..." I read in horror. So I confronted him and he said he had no idea who it was. I knew it was dodgy but I handed over the phone foolishly and when we got back to our chalet I said "ok if there's nothing to worry about give me your phone for the day" He gave it over but he then insisted that we charge it and paced the room nervously as it charged on the table. Eventually I went to the loo while he left with our 3 kids for me to catch up. I came out 2 mins later and it was soaking wet and out of order. I was furious so challenged him. Complete denial - he had not touched it. Then eventually as we walked through a beautiful park in the Autumn sunshine. He told me it had been nothing but a kiss and a roll on the sofa of his colleagues flat with a random friend of a friend who had joined them in the pub after a meeting and a few drinks. Now to me the text sounds like it was a bit more than that but he will not change this version of events. I was gutted and when we got back to the chalet he took the phone apart and left it to dry on the heater, only then did it dawn on me that if I got the sim I might find out what he was hiding. The sim wasn't there although he insisted that it had fallen down the radiator so he let me search for it before finally admitting that he had thrown it away!
We have 3 ds aged 1,2 and eight so this is a nightmare. I will probably end this but will struggle as a single parent with 3 ds.
I actually left him when ds 1 was 12 months as he was smoking far too much dope and not facing up to responsibilities but we got back together 2 yrs later as he promised he would do anything to mend the damage. Anyway I've since discovered little joints and marij stashes and a big credit card bill. I loved this man so much and never thought infidelity was an issue in the past although trust was over the dope issue. We now have 3 kids and I have been a v supportive wife and given him so much freedom. This is what I get in return. My head is reeling he is here but on the sofa as he needs to help me with the boys.
How do I get the truth? How the hell will I tell everyone that I may well be a single mum of 3 very soon again?

Thanks Tootles, I'll be fine eventually I know that the here and now is tough though but I'll get there.
Good point Val the 1st time I left a voice in my head always asked me why I didn't just try a bit harder to communicate/compromise/make things work. In fact up until a few weeks ago things had been going so well (we've been together again for 4 years) that I still wondered why we couldn't just have got our act together sooner! Now alas it has all come back to me in technicolour and really it has nothing to do with me at all.
So did you get together again for 3 yrs or were you together for 3 yrs originally?
It is tough at times, when I stop and think about it I get tearful and angry.

This rings bells with me too. Was with ex dh for 18yrs and 4 dcs one only 8 months and i accidentally opened his phone bill insted of mine.I then noticed the same no had been rung hundreds of times. Rang it and girl answered then hung up. Rang him and of course he totally denied it. Few months later it came out he had been seeing VERY young girl for a yr.Interestingly a year or two earlier he had been smoking more and more cannabis which was effecting him terribly and was obviously away from the house loads.I kicked him out immedately and got on with things as best as i could but then people including my mum and his started to suggest i was being rash and should give him another chance. I did try for a few days but quickly realsied it was over for us as i wasnt prepared to take second best and finished it fully.
Not easy no,but far easier than living with self doubt and suspicion and the inability to ever feel normal again. Cannot be attractive and funny and fabulous all the time or keep somemone close so they dont cheat again. Have had aball to be honest. Fab times with dcs and friends,lovely holidays and really found a different side to the doormat i had become. Ity really was life changing for me and i have NEVER regretted it. This is not to say it is right for everyone but just wanted you to know it can work out if that is your choice.

Thats reassuring ledkr. I'm glad you got it all together so well. Was it a total shock to you to find out? I worry about how I'll cope financially. Does your ex still help you out with the kids at least? How long does it take for the sadness to go away? I feel like I've aged 10 years in 2 weeks. Although I'm surprising myself at how well I'm coping at just getting on with it and how good I am at putting on a brave public face. I suppose being so busy with kids means I don't have time to think too much at the moment.

Maybee, you will manage. You just need to keep affirming this to yourself and just have a bit of faith. It will also be a lot easier than staying with a DH you cannot trust.

Maybee-I was a mess. Lost 3.5 stone in few weeks couldnt sleep etc. but slowly with the help of friends i got better. Felt very sad/angry for about 6months but then i did start a fling with a work colleague about 4 months after which helped. I also had my long dark hair cut short and dyed blonde and re invented myself which helped loads.
I had nights out and friends to stay. I went part time at work and recieved tax credits which meant i could afford to send dd to a lovely nursery while i worked. I was not poor and had a big mortgage and dh paid no maintenanence both things which are not taken into account by tax credits so for example my friend had similar income but maintainence from ex and rent paid by housing ben so i was not one of the luckcky ones.
I went through the finances and cut out what i could such as found cheaper car insurance and reduced sky package to cheapest.
It wasnt the easiest time in my life but i made sure there was always fun things planned to look forward to and took it day by day. It was stil much better than feeling like a mug and trying to be constantly fabulous so he wouldnt do it again.
EX has never really helped with the children that has had me fuming in the past especially when he took his 18 yr old gf away on hol when it was our sons 16th and he never even l;eft a card,eventually i got used to it and its me that has the relationship with them now not him and i always get xmas and birthdays with them too.
There is no better revenge for how you feel today than seeing his puzzled little face as he realises you are not taking him back-priceless.

Maybee I certainly didn't realise that all your discoveries had come at once, so I am truly sorry if my words seemed harsh. That must have been a horrible shock to you.

You seem more decided now and I'm glad, but I think living in the same house could be very damaging to your mental health and possibly your resolve. I hope you're able to separate geographically asap.

zq2I am managing thanks specI just can't believe I was fooled into thinking my relationship was so good for so long when actually just below the surface all this was simmering. His timing could not be worse. There's a big family wedding party in two weeks. I keep telling myself that life is too short to waste getting upset/angry with my ex and I manage well most of the time. My kids keep me laughing. Financially I live on the lean anyway and have high mortgage and not bad parttime salary so I can't make any more cuts but he will pay maintenance so eventually I'll be ok. He is helpful however and it will be tough practically. ledkr what did you tell your kids and how did they take it? It is coming up to Christmas which bugs me.
I keep hoping that a job will come up in NI and I can just get away from all this.

There is never a good time love.It was our 10th Wedding anniversary and xmas near when i found out. DD was a 8 months so dodnt need to tell her. DS 1 and 2 were 19 and 17 and were the ones who told me as she was there age well younger. 16 but i suspect she may well have been 15 at the start and i am a social worker too.
Ds 3 was 13-worse for him.Told him with my sister and he took it ok it seemed. Then followed acting up at school,giving up a place at the royal ballet school and to this day he is still lacking confidence.
If it helps i think you are being very brave. It so easy to listen to their crap and lies and stay but i think he will do it again do you? He was not exactly upset when you rumbled him, just tried to cover his tracks etc.Is there any chance this is a one off,is he mortified?
Mine was the perfect dh for 16yrs then met up with a totl knob head he went to school with. Started on the weed and then got made redundant so even more time on his hands. He was 34 and started to act like a teenager. Going off to the local boy racer meet ups etc.It was very sad to see actually. I didnt have time to be bothered with a new baby and f time job so left him to it. We then got raided yes raided by the police as he was caught with dope. Waking my sleeping baby and dcs was devastating as they searched our home at 4 am. He didnt even apologise and then few weeks later it all came out.
He is still the same.Has had a personality bypass and still acts like a teen. His facebook page is hillarious. His pictures are all with young people. He is having ababy with the young girl and the children fopund out from her face book.He has cheated on her loads and broken her nose. Drinks and smokes weed constantly and has no proper job. I do feel i had a lucky escape.
Do you have lots of friends cos that was my saviour.

oh yes and i had him here for xmas as i worked xmas eve till 11 and boxing day from 7 so needed him to help out. So that got the kids through the first xmas. We were pleasnat and civil but every time he texted i felt physically sick.

Jaysus he sounds horrendous! You did have a good escape. My ex is acting contrite now but I do wonder now what is real and if he is remorseful for his actions or just at being caught. What pisses me off most of all is that I thought we'd got to a really peaceful place in our relationship! Apparently he thought it was all going well too and can't explain his actions! He is in a band but the guys in the band are all quite solid and reliable but he has cheated with a colleague so it may be a one off or not. I think not actually. It was our anniversary last week. Must go - kids are calling. Actually I don't have that many friends as have lived here for less than 4 yrs. I know lots of mums but not sure I would confide in too many of em. My ex seems to have a dual personality-he can be so good but can then be so dishonest and deceiptful I did actually wonder the first time we split if he had mild schizophrenia as he was smoking so much weed.

Oh Maybee it sounds like you are fetting sucked in again..

He is remorseful because he got caught and he fears his easy life is coming to an end, he now realises he has pushed you too far but his previous actions prove he does not give a shit. Remember your DS asked him why he was going out again, so his actions are impacting on your DC's and family life.

He will never change, quit while you are ahead and your dignity intact.

Hi, Maybee,

Please read my thread .... After 37 years....
Believe me, it will not just be texts (innocent or otherwise), it will be all lies, deceit and total betrayal and most probably, you will be blamed for the affair. It will hurt like hell and you will fear for the unknown but you can come out of this with some pride and respect for yourself.

Take care of yourself.

Thanks but no I will not be sucked in again. You are right he does not care about me and yes I have told him it is over. Already I have the feeling that the me is back if that makes sense. However I feel sad that it is over and sorry for him at times. Now what the hell is that about? Anyway Citydoll I will read your thread now.

Maybee l watched my 21 year old DD getting messed about by her then DP -she became anxious and withdrawn. Eventually she said she had a lightbulb moment and they split. I thought she would be heartbroken but no she felt a huge weight had been lifted from her shoulders and within a week my DD was back to her bubbly self.

I admire your strength and courage. You can do this.

Where is he staying just now and how is he behaving towatds you and the DC's

Cheers Doha, in some ways I already feel that bubbles of relief surfacing. I am nowhere near as upset as I was when I left him 7 years ago.
He is behaving ok just now and helpful with kids. He is on our sofa. I'm not sure what to do next as this cannot continue indefinitely. Neither of us have family here and it would really piss me off if he went off to stay with this woman and left me with all the hard work here. Also I am not ready to tell our 8yr old yet. He has one or two reliable friends that he could stay with for a bit. I really don't know what to do next. He has gone out for a walk and a pint apparently and actually I'm so enjoying his absence.

Maybee, if you feel relieved then you're on the right track. Feelings are great signposts for what to do next.

:)

Maybee. You dont always have to be strong you know.It will do you good to put the kids to bed and sob in the bath whilst sipping wine and eating galaxy. Tell people you are sad and heartbroken not"im ok" even the children wont come to any harm if you are a bit sad at times. It helps them to cope with their own feelings.Not sure what to say about arrangments,mine just went to his Mums who welcomed him with open arms and bought him a tv for the spare room and had the girl to tea etc. She soon changed her mind 3 months later when her house also got raided by the drug squad and rang me to tell me i had to have him home. HAHAHAHA

Thanks ledkr the house is indeed full of halloween loot so I will just do that. :)

Morning. Hope you are feeling ok. Long way to go yet but you are a few days closer to finding some peace and happiness xx

Thanks Ledkr :) Hope you're doing ok too

It's the way the lies were such an insult to your intelligence that made me shake my head. Maybee. My youngest DC could come up with a more plausible story than he did about the phone.

There really is no good time. Take a deep breath and be as straight up as you can with the DCs. Tell them you'll all be fine as a family, you'll make the most of it together as a team (boys love to be a team) just you and them and that this is not their fault.

I know mathanx and he is still telling lies.
Now the story has changed again and he told me that the original denial was to minimise the impact apparently! The impact on him probably! Anyway he knows it is over but will still not come clean about what the relationship was/is which pisses me off a bit. Today I said that if we are to have a civil relationship for the sake of the boys in the future he has to stop lying. Absolutely he said and then told another tall story! The problem is that he has nowhere to stay though and I can't just put him out. He's too ashamed to tell his mates. I have asked him if he can stay with a pal at least a couple of nights a week it will make it easier for me to move on. We don't have a spare room so he is on the sofa and I wish he wasn't. I am feeling stronger and more like me with each minute that passes.

LOLOL.

Does he think you're thick?

My advice to you is to consider that you already know 'the truth', because trying to pin down the details can really drive you nuts.

The problem of where he stays is his problem, Maybee. He has un-made his bed so to speak, and now he needs to find another for himself. He is actually testing you and your resolve by telling you he is too ashamed to tell his mates and beg for a couch, plus he is lying. He has no shame at all, or he wouldn't be continuing to lie. He is also making his problem your problem. A really immature but cunning move.

The longer he stays under your roof under the circumstances the more he feels he has a foot in the door, and the more 'normal' the situation becomes that he is trying to force you to accept. He has no respect for you at all. I think you should give him until the weekend to find somewhere and then put his things out in the front garden so his mates can all see what's happening.

I think you have to be tougher on him. If you are uncomfortable with him on your sofa, then he has to go.

I assume there are hotels he can stay in.

Who gives F*ck if he's too embarrassed to tell his mates. How the heck does he think YOU feel having to tell YOUR friends that he's been banging some girl at work.

I'd tell him to go sleep under his shagging desk at work. A Travelodge, under a fecking bridge. Tell him if he doesn't sort something by the end of the week, that YOU will start ringing round his friends and asking them to put him up... the fucker

Let me tell you more about us. you know from the other thread that my Dad left mum when I was 16. She was in her early 40s, as I am now, with 2 DD, Me 16 and DSis 14. We none of us thought we could be a family unit without Dad.

We were wrong. Even as girls we banded together. Boys will be even more willing to step up and care for you.

We did it, so can you.

You will get through this, you will be stronger and better for it. I can guarantee you this.

Your doing just fine Maybee however l would set him a time limit to go. It is not your problem that he is ashamed to tell his mates, does he not think they will find out soon enough--or does he think your resolve will weaken and he can worm his way back in.?

How long before your DC asks why dad is sleeping on the sofa.