How to get the truth out of a cheating husband?

[Maybee]

Long sorry:(
On the last day of our idyllic family holiday I borrowed dh's phone to get a pic of everyone in the pool. He totally panicked and got v nervous so for the first time ever I checked his text inbox ..
"Hi Gorgeous, the weather is not great here so I won't have a tan for you..." I read in horror. So I confronted him and he said he had no idea who it was. I knew it was dodgy but I handed over the phone foolishly and when we got back to our chalet I said "ok if there's nothing to worry about give me your phone for the day" He gave it over but he then insisted that we charge it and paced the room nervously as it charged on the table. Eventually I went to the loo while he left with our 3 kids for me to catch up. I came out 2 mins later and it was soaking wet and out of order. I was furious so challenged him. Complete denial - he had not touched it. Then eventually as we walked through a beautiful park in the Autumn sunshine. He told me it had been nothing but a kiss and a roll on the sofa of his colleagues flat with a random friend of a friend who had joined them in the pub after a meeting and a few drinks. Now to me the text sounds like it was a bit more than that but he will not change this version of events. I was gutted and when we got back to the chalet he took the phone apart and left it to dry on the heater, only then did it dawn on me that if I got the sim I might find out what he was hiding. The sim wasn't there although he insisted that it had fallen down the radiator so he let me search for it before finally admitting that he had thrown it away!
We have 3 ds aged 1,2 and eight so this is a nightmare. I will probably end this but will struggle as a single parent with 3 ds.
I actually left him when ds 1 was 12 months as he was smoking far too much dope and not facing up to responsibilities but we got back together 2 yrs later as he promised he would do anything to mend the damage. Anyway I've since discovered little joints and marij stashes and a big credit card bill. I loved this man so much and never thought infidelity was an issue in the past although trust was over the dope issue. We now have 3 kids and I have been a v supportive wife and given him so much freedom. This is what I get in return. My head is reeling he is here but on the sofa as he needs to help me with the boys.
How do I get the truth? How the hell will I tell everyone that I may well be a single mum of 3 very soon again?

It's difficult. I didn't want to end our marriage either (have 4yo and 2yo).

You're not really ending it over a text though - he destroyed the phone because what's on it was much worse than what you have already seen, presumably. He is not able to even admit what he has done - and that is the first thing he needs so you can get through the (presumed) affair.

I can trust my husband now, 99% - because he moved out and actually realised that he had lost his wife and family and looked long and hard at life without us. Even when he came back, he hadn't appreciated the full horror of what he had done, but over the next few months he really did and he is very upset over it. I won't ever trust anyone 100% ever again, though - not just a partner, but anyone I encounter.

You would not be ending your marriage over a text though! That makes it sound petty and insignificant, whereas the implications of its content, and the behaviour from him subsequently, is massive.

You wouldn't be ending the relationship; he has killed it off. The message indicates an affair/shagging around not just a solitary fumble, you might also have seen messages re continued drug use. Doubt he threw away the SIM.

On a practical note, maybe get checked out a a GUM clinic?

I disagree that the general consensus is that infidelity means leaving. Dishonesty about infidelity - yes - and that is sound advice.

You wouldn't be throwing your marriage away for a text, OP. He on the other hand, threw his marriage away because of his continuing infidelity and lies. Put the responsibility firmly where it lies. Your behaviour didn't end this marriage - his did.

Maybee if it was just one text he wouldn't have gone to such extreme lengths to conceal whatever else was on the phone.

Only you can decide what is best for you and your children but can you ever trust him again now?

maybees... he has trashed his marriage, along with that phone that would have given you a lot of very incriminating information (obviously)

if you decide to split...it is his fault, not yours because he cannot, even now, knowing how much this is hurting you, give you the respect of honesty

he is an utter shit, and I really hope the scales are falling from your eyes

Maybee listen to your friends advice, listen carefully and think what advice you would give you....I think you would tell yourself to leave. Your H is still in denial and probably thinks he's better off just bare faced lying than coming clean about what he's done. Perhaps ending it is right for you now, it may well change down the line. But until you feel confident you know the truth I can't see you have any other option than to end it, especially in the light of what you've found already.

I would leave him in the following order of importance

1. big credit card bill
2. marijuana

and waay down the line

3. infidelity.

However they are all part of the same thing really - dishonesty.

Can he change?

Take your time to decide what to do and the very best of luck

Thanks for all the useful slants on this. It is all his fault and I know I will have trust issues now. I just oscillate between thinking 'I'm strong-I'm good I will leave and set up a good life for me and the boys' and then the sickening feeling of dread sets in and I think 'O Christ what a struggle lies ahead!' I found today a real challenge actually and I wasn't even at work. I think I just need to survive for a bit and hopefully lucidity will come.
The other thing is that he has already lost me, his home and the chance to live with and raise ds1 once which makes me wonder how he could risk it again.
I suppose the trust issue with the dope were there before but now this is another fecking context to worry about. Why the hell complicate our life like this? Family life with v young kids is difficult enough. I'm so cross that he will put our kids through this. Ds 1 was a baby the first time and my biggest concern when we got back together was him.
I am so angry and find it tough to be strong all the time but I am a warrior so I will emerge from this. Just need to face my colleagues tomorrow and not cry.

Pontissima, people sitting at home typing anonymously on an electronic forum as you say gave me the courage and the perspective to finally leave a sham of a relationship. I have never regretted believing these strangers that I should value myself more highly, and that I should no longer accept being treated with such total disrespect.

My first responsibility is to my children yes, and they have benefited enormously from having a happy, sane mother, and not having to grow up watching their father undermine, overrule and disrespect their mother. They are happier and more confident because we left. Staying in a facade of a marriage is NOT in children's best interests, and only somebody with a distorted mindset would believe that. The distorted mindset of erroneously believing that there is no fate worse than being a single parent. That a facade of a marriage is better than being 'alone'. That any man is better than no man. That is such BULLSHIT. The advice people have given Maybee is good advice. I'm sure she won't just pack her bags tonight on the say so of internet strangers, but these posts will help her sort out her priorities and remind her to value herself.

Your post is very odd.

VS, good post

it should be a sticky

You know, if Basil Fawlty was trying to cover up an affair, that is how he would behave. It would be hilarious if it wasn't so sad for you.

Personally, I would be mainly bothered about the weed and the money. Being financially incompetent is very unattractive to me. So yeah, I'd leave.

I agree that it is all too easy to say leave DH or DW on MN BUT I you situation sounds quite worrying. For example DH sounds like a very bad role model for your DSs? Does your DH bring you any comfort?

If there are issues between your family and DH then it might help you if you didn't feel that you had to explain to your family why you are breaking up?

Yes the role model thing has crossed my mind many times and I now fear that my sons will have trouble ahead in relationships over this. Now my dh is bringing no comfort to me. He is on his best behaviour obviously now. In the past dh could be v supportive on all levels and since we got back together 4 years ago really pulls his weight and more at home. I know this is what one should expect when raising 3 kids in a busy home and I'm not praising him or excusing him but he is not without his good qualities. However he is still not telling me the truth which makes me wonder if our relationship ever had a solid basis at all.

Have you heard the saying 'Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me'?

This man is currently taking you for a fool but the only foolishness on your part would be to allow him to continue to do so.

Don't bargain away your happiness and self respect for the sake of a helping hand around the home. Did your children bear witness to the ridiculous scene your H played out whilst on holiday?

Bast, that saying is very relevant here

VS I actually did think like that and allowed myself to be badly treated rather than go it alone Thankfully he left and I can see how much better off the dc and I are.

Also maybees have to agree wtf was the business with his phone , almost comical .

I've re-read your OP Maybee and I think part of your problem is that you left him before because he wasn't taking responsibility for anything and also because of his dope-smoking. Yet since you took him back - and before you discovered infidelity - you had evidence of further drug use and financial deception. Because you have presumably bargained away what you had previously said was a deal-breaker - and went on to have two more children with him, you perhaps don't want to face up to your own weakness? Perhaps you can recall saying to yourself (as a bargain) "well at least he's not unfaithful..."

But you're having to face up to that too, now and it seems you are still making bargains. What's left now, though? If he spins you a pack of lies that he has a blurred friendship with an OW, will the next bargain be "Well, at least he didn't sleep with her?"

It's going to be hard being on your own with three children, but your mental health and your children's wellbeing relies on it. Your self-respect is I suspect, already low because of the trade-offs you have been making. It will be on the floor if you let this relationship continue, I assure you.

He'll replace his phone eventually. Then he'll try to keep it out your way. It'll be kept at work or somewhere that you never go. Maybe in his car (under seats, glove box, first aid kit, under spare wheel etc). Maybe in a room/area of the house or garden you keep out of like an attic or shed? Maybe somewhere up high on a wardrobe? What does he do and where does he go just before and just after he's at work?

His excuses with the phone reminds me of those videos of kids saying they haven't eaten any forbidden chocolate despite being covered in it.

Its over for sure, it was v easy to find out who it was. In any case it is clear that I can't trust him fullstop. Yes Tiggy I think a 3 yr old would make a better job of lying.
When willi... I discovered the visa bill and joints after the phone fiasco as I searched for the sim. I genuinely believed our relationship was going v well and trust had been restored up to the moment I read the text. I honestly felt the ground being ripped from under my feet it was such a shock! My 3 kids are the best things that have ever happened me which is why I can't regret giving him a 2nd chance. I believed it would work. Nothing like hindsight to give one perfect vision. I know now that certain character traits like dishonesty, lack of will power are things that won't change. However I assure you this has nothing to do with my weakness and I find that quite harsh. My self esteem/respect is robust even now. Although I've made up my mind that it is over I think inevitably I will have moments of confusion as I'm not in the sunniest of places now and I'm aware of the uphill struggle I face in the short term.

As for his freedom he went out one night a week to practise with his band or for a pint. He always came back before midnight. He stayed overnight with a'pal' once at the end of the summer. However I prize my freedom highly
as well but am now thinking will I ever trust anyone again? Call me naieve but infidelity never even crossed my mind.
In any case he's not v sharp about covering his tracks, I know who she is. I don't care even to find out anymore now as our marriage is over. However I now need to do what is practical especially for our 8 yr old so I can't just tell him to pack his bags yet.

Maybee, I think everyone here is concerned about you and want to make sure that he doesn't convince you that he's changed, given him another chance and then he hurts you again.

You shouldn't regret your children absolutely not, that is a great thing to come from your relationship.

You've seen your DH for what he is and as you say you will have moments of doubt or confusion but I'm pleased you're staying strong.

Come back if you want support or just a name to rant at!

Hi Maybee, when you talk about not regretting the second chance you gave him, that resonates. When I left my x for the first time in 2004 I had some doubts, at that point I was still so sad that I couldn't make it work and thought if I tried harder, was more optimisitic, trained myself to overlook stuff, etc etc... I mgiht be able to hold it all together. So blah,,, I went back to him like a fool, with all my friends and family wincing around me, feeling powerless.. My actions must have tortured them.

But then, the good thing about it was that when I did leave again the second time, which was harder for some reason, I knew that it was absolutely pointless to try and I knew 100% ti was the right thing. I had no regrets AT ALL. And although I wasn't in a great place just after leaving him (who would be, with 2 kids starting again!) I only had to recover. There was no lingering regrets. No what ifs. No blaming myself. Well, I only blamed myself for wasting time, but actually looking back on it now it's probably easier to blame myself for wasting three years becuase you can just write it off. If I'd left for good in 2004 he'd have forever made me feel like a cruel cold unforgiving woman who 'tore her family apart'. And I would partly have believed that.

for ever.