deaing with a husband who wont let me move on

[kieranic]

Hi there i am new to this site and wonder of you all can help me. My story is as follows. I have been marrid for 15 years and thought that i had a good marriage. My husband and i had a tough year and recently he wanted to go fishing to sort out his head and i was happy for him to do this, it then became more frequent and w tarted to argue about it as he was away more than he was home. i decided to to go down to where he was t clear the air and called the number that he had called me the week before to arrange to meet him only to discover thwt it belonged to the woman he had been having an affair with for the last several months which he denied. we have tried to sort things out and he has been plying me and the other woman for about 2 months now. i dont really want him back but have suffered depression and tried to kill myself. he allows we to start to get on with my life and then does something to knock me righ back down again. he has broght her to spend time with his partents and that is really hurting. HELP

Sorry, you dont say if you are still sharing a house or if there are dc involved.

Have you actually separated now?

If he is bothering you when he is collecting/dropping dc off then you need to make other arrangements so that he collects/drops off at someone elses house.

I know that it is very difficult to move on so you need to allow yourself time to do this and tell him to stop bothering you

we are currently seperated at the moment and he is staying at his mums house just up the road. he will not give me the key back till he is off the lease and can come and go as he pleases which he does often.

There are 2 kids involved aged 16 and 13. the 13 year old wants nothing more than him to come back home and refuses to have anythng to do with the woman and his father has told him he cant see him at the weekends as she will be there and he wont have her feeling uncomfortable.

this make me so angry that he will put her before his son

That is so

What a twat to put this woman before his dc. That says enough about him, doesn't it?

Surely with dc that age you could avoid ever seeing him? Not sure of legalities but could you change the locks?

i wish i could but he appears even when the kids are not here i have asked him to have no contact with me but i feel that he want to keep me down so that if things dont work with her he can worm his way back.

legally till house is in my name he can come and go as he wants hopefully new lease will be here next week but he has bee doing this since july and he is really wearing me down.

i have told him to arrange to see his son dierectly with him but he still calls and text me to arrange.

he also seems to want to know where i go and who im with even though it no longer has anything to do with him and tells me i am not looking after the kids properly. i get so low that i constantly think that maybe i would be better off dead and the klids would be better with him.

sorry to be so morbid but why am i being punished for what hew has done.

The legalities of changing locks when I wanted to do this appeared complex (especially if he's on the lease and you're not financially separated)

There is one potential option....Do you have another door that you could use as your principal door - a back or side door that he doesn't have a key for?

Then the door he does have a key for you could accidentally leave a bolt across or deadlock if its a yale type lock.

My ex has consistently put his tart before his children and now married her, she's a serial marriage wrecker particularly likes men with young children then gets bored of them - I believe that mine was the third family she assisted in wrecking.

Regarding practicalities how is he behaving financially? Are you able to cope, is he paying maintenance, have you reapplied for CTC and WTC with the adjusted situation?

dont even go down the finacial road my husband has given me no money for weeks and has managed to stop my fwt by trying to claim for my son himself if it was not for my great friends my kids would not be eating at the moment. i

i dont really blame her as he is telling her a lot of rubbish about what is going on and she doesnt want to hear the truth

Cosult a solicitor ASAP.

Also as you are speerated cvontact the CSA.

As the mother I am assuming child benefit is under your name? You can claim WTC or whatever as you are clessed as the main carer.

Move all important paperwork out of the house as he comes and goes as he chooses, so you have no idea what he's upto.

Empty out any joint accounts you may have and ask to remove your name from them, so he cannot take out loans or anything under joint names.
Actually, write to the bank and instruct them to freeze all joint bank acocunts, telling them you will not be responsible for any debts incurred hereafter as you have made this request.

Open your own bank account first under your own name and move all direct debits etc over.

See what benefits you are entitled to.

Seriously get a good soicitor, speak to a few before you decide.

At least once you understand your legal rights it will help you make informed decisions.

thanks for the help i have already sorted out the bank as i have alrady had to pay 900 pounds worth of loans that he took ut in my name to spend on the other woman. i have spoken t a solicitr and started to get thing rolling but he keeps telling me that i dont need one and cant afford one then he sent me a letter from his stating i am responsible for all debt as it is in my name dont really know how mucjh longer i can hold it together to be honest. my friend has also manged to by me a car that i can pay her up for and he is telling me that i cant afford to have it.

is there an legal measures i can take for emotional abuse cause that what he is doing to me but is never violent

Agree with fuzzy, you must get legal advice and sort out the finances. If you speak to the CAB they will know of any solicitors offering a free consultation in your area, if money is an issue.

Do you know what you are entitled to? Have you looked at THIS WEBSITE.

You sound so low - could you treat yourself? Get a new haircut? Sometimes it helps if you feel a bit better about yourself and you can show your ex that you can feel good without him

Sorry - X-post.

Are you keeping a diary of all of these things that he is doing? It would really help if you want to take this further. If the harrassment continues then I would involve the police but they will need evidence, dates etc

I'd send a letter right back statign that the money is joint names and you aren ot repsonsible for it. Id tell the bank the same too.
They can chas e him for at least fifty percent of it if its in joint names!

Not sure about the mental abuse, havea look on the womens aid website see if there's any advice they could offer. Ignore your husband dont let him know anything thats happenign with you or what you are buying.

I certainly think putting a deabolt on the door he has keys too would be a good start!

thanks i have done all that i have lost weight and had a hair cut been and got contacts. felt really good for a while and then he just knocked me right back down again. i am trying to sort out fwt tax but it is taking so long and in meantime i have no money coming in and he just says he has no money to give me but finds money to drive to dumfries at 40 quid a time. i really think he wants me to do something silly then he gets my son and can play happy families with her. why wont he leave me alone

you have a 16 yo and a 13 yo and you tried to kill yourself?

i hope you are getting soe kind oc counselling

i wouldn't ever speak to hi or ask hi for anything again

not thought of keeping a diary great idea but i do have the text messages he keeps sending

See you at 4 kieranic. Love you. So glad you found MN.

yes i know its really hard to believe and i am getting counselling now have 24 hour phone service with my work and they are great. the only thing keeping me going are the recent realisation of what it would do to them.

i try not to speak to him but it just leads to more abuse in fact the onlt time i am free of him is when he is with her like this weekend but i know that when she leaves on mon i can gaurentee a visit

is katiescarlett who i think it is im geting some really good advice thanks for the recommendation

Yes darling, "who is Jane and why is she bringing fucking cakes!"

Will step away from your thread, the good ladies of MN have brilliant advice.

If he took out a loan in your name that's fraud and a solicitor should deal with it.

Look after yourself, get help if you're depressed and don't tell your ex you are feeling depressed or suicidal as he will use it against you. Have minimal contact with him.

Stop thinking about your ex and concentrate on your kids.

You poor woman!

He has done a number on both you AND his own DC hasn't he.

Go to CAB, CSA and anyone and everyone you can to get this situation back under his control.

He doesn't have the right to harass you like this.

Listen to these lovely women, we'll get you through this, welcome to MN.

Good call Katie!

thanks i certainly feel better at least till the next visit

Hows things now?

OMG where DOES this guy get his sense of entitlement?

He has left his wife and his children.

He pays you nothing: no maintenance for the children and you are having to borrow from friends to feed your children.
He has taken out a loan in YOUR name(or in joint names - am not clear) and YOU are paying the instalments?
He considers he still has the right to walk in and out of the house although he is not now paying anything towards it.
He continues to call and text you although you have asked him not to.

He tells you you can't afford a car.

He tells you you don't need a solictor.

Yes he is bullying you emotionally, financially and physically.

Please, please get some proper advice.

Start with CAB or WA.

Of course you must be feeling worn down and weak and you can't think straight. Tell all this to WA, they will tell you what to do next! You will get through this, you know.

hi all first of all thanks fo all the replies they have helped loads.

spoke to wa today and they have advised thast i am already doig everything that they would suggest so can offer me no further advice only to say if he continuesto harras me after lease is in my name then i can call police.

the loans were pay day loans that he got over te internet using all my details and that my wages have had to pay and continue t pay as hes not liable due to my name being on them.

going to see lawyer this week and find out next steps but i guess im scared to as it will lead to more hassle.

Did you agree to these online purchases? If not it's fraud regardless of whose name is on them.