Should I leave my boyfriend while pregnant? Advice please!

[salsaprincess]

Hi Everyone,

I'm a newbie here so apologies if I'm not doing this right.

Basically I'm nearly 4 months pregnant and my bf has been both aggressive and (verbally) abusive towards me since I found out about the pregnancy.

The problem is he's 12 years older, already has 2 kids from previous married, has HUGE debts and an even bigger amount of bitterness towards his ex wife.

Because he feels so bad about his previous marriage, he is completely intolerant towards me and regularly threatens to leave me over tiny things (often completely misunderstandings).

He makes me cry so often I'm worried it will affect my unborn child and he's left me feeling like I'm unlovable or not worthy of love. That said, I'm scared of coping as a single parent, emotionally, practically and financially.

Help! :(

Yes, you should. It will be hard coping as a single parent, but much harder coping with a new baby in an abusive relationship.

Sorry for your situation, it must be awful.

Can you leave him? have you anyone to go to or anywhere? you need to look after you, he clearly can't won't

thank you so much for replying and your advice. Feels better to have got it off my chest.

I've been feeling so isolated - I come from a traditional family who is already unhappy I'm having a baby out of wedlock (not my choice) and definitely wouldn't understand me contemplating leaving the baby's husband.

And none of my friends have babies yet so it's difficult for them to understand what I'm going through.

Thanks again for replying - any advice from single mums or anyone else would be gratefully received.

@keeplaughing - I don't know if there's anywhere I can go. Does anyone know if I can get help with housing if I'm a single mum? I don't feel like I've got the strength for this but obviously I need to do something. I can't be crying every day like this :(

If you leave you'll be happy with your new baby, though of course it will be hard work. If you stay you will be miserable, and it will be much harder work.

Do you want to focus on the practicalities of leaving, or do you want to work through whether or not to leave?

And if your family like him so much, let THEM move in with him.

Thanks precious,

It's not that my family like him, it's just I come from a culture where you should be married to have a child and you shouldn't leave the father of your child.

At this stage, I still don't know whether to leave or not. Apart from anything else, this is my first child and he has 2 already and is actually a brilliant father - I know it sounds silly but the thought of moving into a house alone with a baby scares me sh*tless - I'm scared I won't know what to do or won't be able to cope.

As well as that, although he does make me cry frequently, he is a huge help on a practical level (doing housework and shopping when I'm tired or teaching from home) so I have to weigh up being a tired, harassed single mum who is at risk of taking her frustrations out on the child, or stay in a relationship which will never be completely happy but may be better for my baby.

Okay, so we need to think about the cultural implications of leaving. What do you think will be the fallout for you within your community?

Your baby will soon be a child, then a teenager, then an adult. And they will NOT be pleased that you mortaged your happiness in their name. Think about the bitterness and frustrations that will create that you might take out on your child. (Which I'm sure you won't! You will be a wonderful mother.) Your child will no doubt be happier if you are happy.

BTW, we're not concerned here about his suitability as a father. He'll still be the baby's father whether you stay or go, and let's hope he'll be as brilliant as you predict. We're asking if you should be married to him.

Oh FGS, please don't sit and put up with this!

You think he's bad now, wait till you are well and truly trapped, when you have a baby.

You have 5m to get yourself sorted out somewhere safe, clean and stress free.

Your options of being "tired, harassed single mum who is at risk of taking her frustrations out on the child, or stay in a relationship which will never be completely happy but may be better for my baby. "

Being with a tiny baby, in a abusive relationship, sleep deprived and him being an arse won't make you frustrated?

Believe me, you will want to protect that child, and you need to, because you are all that little baby has.

Start today, get yourself out of this. Call Woman's Aid.

If you are in any real danger from your culture Women's Aid can help you find somewhere far and safe.

:( OP, you can contact Women's Aid, who i'm sure will have experience in helping women in difficult situations whose cultures are also a factor. If he is already treating you this way when pregnant, what will he be like when you have the baby and are more tired and emotional? Has he ever been violent? I think you are so brave for posting on here, you clearly love your baby very much. Please use that love as a driving force to seek out help and consider leaving. He will still be the baby's dad, but he doesn't sound like he is a very good partner. You will probably be much better parents apart than you could be together with such bullying and sadness

I agree. Someone who makes you cry regularly is not someone to be with! You sound as if you are young and I'm sure you will be able to meet someone who loves you and who will also love your child. As others have said, your dp will still be able to be your baby's father whether you are with him or not. I don't have much advice regarding the stigma that your family might attach to you if you leave and already do as you are not married but I wish you all the best with this and hope that others can help. Though a shock to the system a small baby is a lot less work than an older family with a partner who is constantly rude / undermining. You will soon get into your own rhythm with your baby and know how to look after him/her perfectly so I think your main concerns are having emotional support. Do you have any friends or family who could help you in the early days of having a newborn? I wish you all the best and also hope you meet someone who is kind and caring to share your life with.

Wow! Thanks for all your helpful advice. It seems that you all seem to think I should definitely leave him.

It's hard to see that from where I am right now but I'm now going to look into the practicalities because I think that's what's really scaring me.

I'm actually not that young but I don't see myself as a particularly practical person and I don't trust myself to be able to take care of the most precious thing in my life on my own with no previous experience.

Did anyone feel the same when they were pregnant and how did they overcome that feeling of being totally overwhelmed with fear that they'll mess it all up cos that's how I feel now :(

I think only you can decide whether you need to leave, but from your post it seems he is making you very unhappy during what should be an exciting and special time. I can't comment on pregnancy but in terms of practicalities, it would be great to do some research and have a detailed plan in place in case you do decide to go. Women's Aid is a good start, and can you start putting money aside? Is he from the same cultural background as you? Could it be that he is having trouble dealing with the issues you mentioned in regards to pregnancy out of marriage? My husband is Muslim, and i know he finds it harder than i do to ignore negative comments when he has done something deemed inappropriate by the community. It's not an excuse by any means if it's the case for you but at least it might give you some insight into his behaviour? Please get a plan in place, don't let him emotionally blackmail you as he's doing by threatening to leave. I'm inclined to say you should call his bluff and agree that he should bugger off!

Ok - am going to look into housing options and call Women's Aid tomorrow.

Have put some money aside but money is still a major worry - is it such a bad thing to get into debt for a good cause? I've never been in debt before so I don't know...

In answer to your question, no partner is not from the same culture and actually my culture is not so oppressive, just quite disapproving and unsupportive if things aren't done 'properly'. Hence being a lone mum with minimal familial support is putting me in panic mode!

:(

What is it Atilla says? "Women can't heal mens pain by allowing themselves to be abused"?

Seems pertinet in this case.

Please, call Women's Aid. He's abusing you and it will only get worse after the baby is born, except then it will be 10 times as difficult to leave him.

Thanks Dizietsma,

Not trying to make excuses for him AT ALL but I feel I need to make it clear that he hasn't physically abused me - just lots of shouting, constantly picking arguments and then threatening to leave which is making me anxious and depressed more often than not, but I feel that I've come to the conclusion that it's better he leaves now than after the birth...

@ Eternal Cynic, sorry for the possibly stupid question but apart from housing and finance, what should I research? And what exactly do you mean by a 'detailed plan'. As a first time mum I feel quite lost actually :(

I wish I had left my ex while I was pg. Instead it dragged on for another 5 years. It became more and more abusive as time went on- started verbally, emotionally and moved on to far more physical stuff in the end. Use all the above advice and get out while you can. he thinks he can do this because you're pg and tied to him.
There is support out there. Good Luck.

Emotional/verbal abuse is often the worst part of domestic violence, knocking self-esteem into the ground so that eventually when the violence starts you haven't the strength to fight or even realise you aren't at fault.

You become institutionalized to control and abuse. Read the thread in this forum titled "domestic violence", the OP in that thread has essentially been brain washed into feeling more comfortable with the horrific violence and control than without it. She's afraid and lost without it. This is a process that doesn't happen the first day you get into a relationship. It starts slowly with small incremental steps, you make excuses for his behaviour, you blame yourself (or your hormones) and soon enough you're being belted across the mouth for talking back and you feel like you provoked it and deserved it. It's a very slippery slope.

It's not like women in abusive relationships are always and constantly suffering abuse either. There will be good days, it's part of the cycle of abuse. Do you recognise this dynamic from your own relationship?

Did anyone feel the same when they were pregnant and how did they overcome that feeling of being totally overwhelmed with fear that they'll mess it all up cos that's how I feel now

Yes, just about all first-time mums feel that to a greater or lesser extent. I had no clue what I was doing! But remember, you have another five months to find out about babycare, and there are some really wonderful, very practical how-to books. Including the NHS freebie "Birth to 5". And all of Mumsnet, of course.

You can join ante-natal groups and single mum groups and go to RL mumsnet meetups, and you'll build up supportive friendships. You don't have to have your child's next 18 years sorted out right-now-this-very-minute. None of us do.

So leave the boyfriend who's bringing you down and do it now. Tell your family to back you up because the baby needs them and so do you.

Can you leave now? Where can you go? Or is it your flat/house? Can you kick him out?

Women's Aid is a great idea.

hi salsa,

I was in your position - verbally abusive partner, he got worse when I got pregnant (mistake but he said I did it on purpose). He shouted and swore at me - I was permanently in tears and very worried about how the stress would affect the baby. He eventually dumped me (although I think at the time he thought I would try to make it work by doing what he said) but in the end I decided to go it alone, and it's been an amazing experience so far.

If you're not working you will get your rent paid, your council tax paid. You should also get income support, child tax credits, and child benefit. Your partner would have to pay you maintenance, which can be sorted easily through the CSA if he has a permanent job (they just approach his employers). So - although it's not a huge amount to live on it's enough. And if/when you want to get back to work - you'll get max working tax credits and help with childcare.

Hope that helps!

But I agree with everyone above - if he's verbally abusive now - he'll get worse when you have had the baby. He most definitely is very unlikely to get better.

Just dealing with my XP for contact is difficult - I shudder to think what it would be like had I moved in with him and stayed together .....

Salsa - please do whatever you need to do to leave him. Call women's aid, they are fantastic and will help you get through this.

He will 100% only get worse. I was with an abusive partner for years and ended up having a baby with him. He started to get physically violent when I was heavily pregnant and eventually I had to be got out of the house with the help of the police because he attacked me while I was holding our baby who was only a few weeks old. I wish wish wish that I had made the break before I was stupid enough to put my baby at risk like that; I will never forgive myself for being so bloody downtrodden .

BUT if you get out now there is help out there for you, and however hard it is, you will come out of it stronger and a better (and much happier) mummy.

Please do it, for you and baby x

Salsa, what I mean is look into housing options, assuming you don't want to stay where you are or, if you do, look at your rights in terms of him moving out. Look into what support you and your baby can get, financially. Also it may be worth speaking to your local dv unit if you're in any way worried he may harass you if you end it. There is support they can offer, you are being emotionally abused.

Thanks for your words of encouragement :)

I finally told him that if he wanted to leave he should go but he turned around and said he didn't want to and he had only said it because he was scared about becoming a father again with all the pressure and financial stress it entails - agggghhh!

I told him I will still look into housing and benefits as a single mother but that we had 5 months to change things around, so I'm keeping my options open. Probably sounds stupid to all of you but I still dearly want to give my child two parents in a family unit.

Salsa- if that is going to work for you, fine. But keep your eyes and your options open. If you can't find strength on your own account, find it for your baby. His reservations are valid but do not settle for being treated badly- in any way. Good luck.

Salsa, it doesn't sound stupid to want to be part of a two-parent household. Not at all. But I'm sure what you really want is to be part of a happy, well-functioning two-parent household that runs on love, respect and trust.

What you've got is an abusive partner with "HUGE debts" and a messy personal history who is angry that you're pregnant. Seriously, is THAT what you're after?

The sooner you leave him, the sooner you can meet someone who wants to create a happy family with you and your child.

BTW.. have you ever heard his ex-wife's story?

Hi Salsa,

I'm a single mum with a now 19 year old, I felt just like you do when I was pregnant, it was like "Help"!!

By the way, brilliant tip about getting to hear the ex's side of it, will give you a lot of insight.

I had a violent (now ex) husband, and just like another poster, it started in pregnancy, so please take good care of yourself! Have stuff in place (money, documents, pasport, etc) that you can just grab and go if the need arises.

Single parenting is hard but so much better than living in an abusive relationship! Also for the kid(s) cos you are breaking the cycle and teaching them that is NOT the way to treat your loved one!

Oh yea, I thought the Penelope Leach book was a fantastic help when someone gave it to me.