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Original poster

Does anyone here consider themselves to be asexual?

72 replies

TitsalinaBumPumpkin · 22/10/2010 21:18

This is something i have been looking at a lot recently i have had a 'light bulb' moment in my life!
Is anyone else here asexual or does anyone have any experience of a relationship betewwn an asexual and a sexual person?

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 22/10/2010 22:55

I used to think my exH was asexual, but it turned out he just wasn't into me (or women in general, actually). Could you be gay and just have some sort of block about it (not meant in an unfriendly way btw?)

Original poster
TitsalinaBumPumpkin · 22/10/2010 22:56

NO i have thought an awful lot about it, i really dont think im Gay, again i can appreciate a woman and be attracted to her personality and find her pretty or attractive but never in a sexual way.

Im really greatful for all your input btw way people. Smile

OP posts:
MiraArte · 22/10/2010 22:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

blueshoes · 22/10/2010 22:58

You mentioned you can find both male and females attractive. Does this feeling differ in its quality, intensity etc when it is for a male v. a female?

Original poster
TitsalinaBumPumpkin · 22/10/2010 23:01

I have never felt the need to tbh, i have experimented by myself in the past but only because i wanted to be normal. Blush
Nothing has given me what i guess would be sexual pleasure or desire.

I have had sex with a few people in my time, again because i thought i could 'fix' myself and be normal but i have never had the need or want to be physical with someone.

OP posts:
Original poster
TitsalinaBumPumpkin · 22/10/2010 23:02

I fine Men a lot more atrractive than women, a female i can look at like most owmen do and say 'shes pretty/beautiful ect' but i am more atrracted to men in general.

OP posts:
MoralDefective · 22/10/2010 23:04

I think it must be hard for him to take....he thinks you aren't attracted to him....but he loves you.....do you still love him?

Funnys5FootUnderThePatioGarden · 22/10/2010 23:06

so, when you were in your teens you never felt that need to just shag whoever you fancied at the time? Never felt any sexual desire? I admit since the DS's arrived, sex is not top of my agenda, but the desire is still there........about once every few months [hgrin]

Original poster
TitsalinaBumPumpkin · 22/10/2010 23:08

Yes i love him very much which is why this is so hard, i love every part of him i just can make myself be physical with him,.... i cant be someone or something im not and it kills me that i cant make him happy.

Im trying to get it through to him that it isnt a rejection of him as such, im not saying 'i dont fancy you' i dont fancy anyone.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 22/10/2010 23:19

How long have you been together? And how have you both coped so far?

Original poster
TitsalinaBumPumpkin · 22/10/2010 23:22

We have been together 8 years, we have 2 kids together, we got together at the age of 15.
We have had regular sex but have gone through patches where we didn't for a year at a time. I would always do it to try and meet his needs and satisfy him but i feel i just cant do it anymore when after all this time it still seems so unnatural. (sorry i cant think of a better word to describe it)

I always heard that the more you do it the more you want it, i was hoping i could put all thought to one side and so it and eventually learn to like it but it hasn't worked.

OP posts:
MoralDefective · 22/10/2010 23:22

I've had to 'make' myself do it....just to be/keep him as i love him so much....it's not so hard...i know he 'needs' it more than i do...and i also know he loves me more than he 'needs' it...but it's harder for him to do without.....he always says he loves to make me come....and sometimes i have to fake it.........

Original poster
TitsalinaBumPumpkin · 22/10/2010 23:24

Are you talking about me or you Moral??? I dont understand!

OP posts:
hmc · 22/10/2010 23:26

Are you happy and secure with your body - could that be the root of it?

Original poster
TitsalinaBumPumpkin · 22/10/2010 23:28

I have no major hangu ps about my body, im aware i could do with loosing a few pounds but im not uncomfortable with myself, i have bags of confidence and im really quite content with everything else in my life in fact if it wasnt for the problems this is causing in our relationship it wouldnt effect my life at all.

OP posts:
MoralDefective · 22/10/2010 23:41

You have to do what you have to do....how much do you love him?.......you've been together 8 years.....but you are still so young....only 23...i've never gone a whole week/month/year without it(faking or not)...

ItsGhoulAgain · 22/10/2010 23:50

It must have taken courage to tell DH how you feel (or don't feel). Hats off to you, Titsalina. I realise he's unlikely to just go "Oh, well, that's okay" ... have you shown him the Aven homepage? He's not going to be thrilled about it either way, but it might help him to see it's not a rejection of him, nor anything you can can just snap out of.

I have no sage advice for you, I'm afraid, but am kind of interested in the topic. During my hormonally stormy life (genetic issue) I've gone from wanting sex with everything & everybody (it was hell, I've had a lot of sympathy for teenage boys since then!) to serene celibacy and back again. Now I'm menopausal and on HRT, I think I'm 'normal' - or slightly subnormal - on the libido front. The endocrinology expert I saw for a while was fascinating on the topic of hormones & libido. Going by what I learned from him, your absence of interest could well be due to an atypical hormonal setup. No proper doctor would consider it a disorder, though (did you say you've checked with yours?) and, if it doesn't bother you, your only problem is your relationship.

I have known several couples who've dealt with this by living apart but remaining close friends. Love is about more than sex - and, if you love someone, you don't want to deny them a real part of their personality. It's a bumpy road to travel. I just wanted you to know you're not alone and the relationship issue can be resolved. I hope you'll find your resolution, too. x

Original poster
TitsalinaBumPumpkin · 22/10/2010 23:57

Thank you.

I am feeling quite peaceful about it, i didn't know asexuality existed so up until a few months ago was feeling like a freak, i have seen Dr's and had hormones. I have seen alternative therapists and been given herbal stuff. I have seen a councillor but nothing has made a difference.

I am relived that im not alone and that im not broken or weird, i am glad that other people know what im going through.
I will try and get dp to look on Aven but he has gone to bed he is really upset and angry. Sad

I have told him that i will always be in his life and our relationship doesn't have to change in the emotional sense even if he does decide to leave i have said i will always be here for him and he can be as involved as he wants, i really truly do love him but i know i cant make him happy in that respect and he deserves to be happy.

I have never been a physical person, i remember my Mum taking me to a child psychologist and various Dr's because i would recoil from hugs or kisses.

OP posts:
SolidButShamblingUndeadBrass · 23/10/2010 00:26

I think there have always been a percentage of people who are asexual, just as there have always been gay people and indeed transgender/intersex people. And it's always been something that has been accepted to some extent - think of all those religious celibates, let alone the various people whos lives were dedicated to something other than marriag&reproduction. Titsalina, while you may be in a minority, that doesn't mean you need to be 'fixed' and forced to be 'normal'. It's OK to be yourself.

BertieBotts · 23/10/2010 00:57

I can't identify 100%, because I've since discovered I am not asexual, but I remember the first time I found AVEN and I do remember that feeling of "Oh thank God, I'm not broken, there are other people just like me." I did genuinely think I was asexual for a while.

I can't imagine how difficult it must be to make this realisation while you are in a relationship. I guess that a big part of it for your DP is not really understanding the definition of 'asexual' which you feel applies and being scared that it might mean you can no longer love him, that you don't want any intimacy at all, or that he will never get to have sex with you again. (Obviously whether it does mean that is up to you.) It is going to take time for him to come to terms with it as well as you. If you can get him to look at the website it would be a big help though I think, even though he probably views it as the enemy at the minute.

NotANewbie · 23/10/2010 01:06

I don't know what to say. I'm so...I don't know! I didn't know anyone else was like me I thought I was a freak. I hate being like this. I want to be sexual. It never occurred to me that maybe I'm just another sort of normal. If I didn't mind being like this it could be OK to be like this.

Thankyou Thankyou Thankyou OP for posting!

I need to think about this.

SolidButShamblingUndeadBrass · 23/10/2010 09:30

NAN: Do have a read of the AVEN site linked to above - there are plenty of people out there who will understand.

SupposedToBeWorking · 23/10/2010 11:11

Another one here. Everything you're saying makes perfect sense to me. I'm really really sorry that your relationship is in disharmony. I know what that's like. I agree with BB that looking at the website may help your DP - but he'll be in shock for a while. 'I'm asexual, actually' sounds pretty drastic, I guess, when in fact you're just the Titsalina he's always known.

In every single relationship I've been in, I've initiated sex so that the man wouldn't suspect that all I really wanted was for him to cuddle me - I do like cuddles Smile although kisses and all the rest I'd rather do without.

I've never ever met someone I wanted to have sex with. I find men attractive for being good looking or clever or witty or admirable, and I fall in love, and want exclusive relationships. I just wish they didn't have to have sex in.

Having said that, I can physically like it. I can get aroused, and when I do it's nice to have an orgasm. I masturbate sometimes, but I never wish I had someone to have sex with.

DP and I have just broken up. Differences in what we want from and like about sex was a major part of that. He wanted me to want it, I wanted him to make me like it. It's a relief not to have those arguments now - but we'd not been together long, we had no DCs.

He wants a sexual relationship with a partner who wants a sexual relationship with him, basically. And I don't get it. I really don't. I see posts on here from people saying they're desperate for sex because they haven't had it for ages and I can't imagine what that feels like - can someone describe it? Is it like being really hungry? Is it really a physcial feeling? What is it like to be sexual?

MalificenceBloodandSand · 23/10/2010 11:50

It's definitely a physical urge, a longing to touch and be touched. I can't imagine how soul destroying it must be to realise your partner doesn't want you in the same way that you want them.
It must be equally destructive, horrific even, for a faithful and monogamous person to be told to go off and get meaningless sex elsewhere , that's as impossible as asking your asexual partner to start enjoying and desiring sex.

Powcat · 24/10/2010 07:38

Watching with interest
I agree with everything OP has said, really glad to know I am not alone with this feeling.

I too have never had any urges and always had to force myself with every partner.Never ever felt right.
Been with my DP now for 17 years,I am 37, 2 dcs and tried for years to be "normal" but about 2 years ago I just couldnt keep pretending anymore and havent had sex since.
I do feel sorry for DP but I just cant change as I know its not fixable as its just the way I am.
Dp isnt accepting of situation but wont separate,but thats a different story (ish).