Forgiveness - is it always bad to not forgive?

[phipps]

I will never forgive my mother for things she has done. We have no contact and never will. Day to day it has no effect but I wonder what it would feel like if I said I forgave her (just out loud to myself) but what would the point be?

I won't get any answers. I guess I just want reassurance that it is okay not to forgive and that it doesn't mean I am a horrible person.

Not forgiving doesn't make you a bad person at all, you just have to be careful that you don't stay too angry and let it eat you up. Am not sure if not forgive and forget is possible though.

My DM is still very angry with her DM and she died 26 years ago. She was a narcissist and wreaked havoc with my parent's marriage and my relationship with my parents cos she hated my DM having a life of her own wanted me all for herself. To my shame at the time I thought she was the best thing since sliced bread as she adored me, to the exclusion of her other GCs. Now I can see it but you don't when you're 6.

As she is dead my DM cannot get any answers or get angry with her face to face. I've bought her the books on toxic parents and dealing with narcs and we talk about it a lot but she can't forget it.

My DF died 19 years ago so she also feels guilty about him getting a raw deal. She can't forgive and I don't think she ever will. I don't blame her, as I'm now angry at being manipulated as a child, but I do worry that still going over it all is doing her more harm than good.

I try not to let it eat me up. Just sometimes it seems to rear its ugly head and I need to talk about it.

I am sorry you had such a rubbish time .

Phipps,I have not been in contact with my parents for nearly a year. In that time I've had a cancer scare and a second child. I yo-yo on a daily basis between anger towards them and guilt for cutting them off, because the ogres of my childhood are now two pretty pathetic old people. I may one day make my peace with them, but I don't think I will ever forgive them, because if I ever treated my DCs like they treated me, I would expect my DCs to hate me.

I also constantly question my parenting. I feel I have no feel/instinct for parenting and I'm pretty sure that it's because I had no proper role models for this job. I'm never sure if my reactions to my children are "normal" or completely distorted by my parents' abnormal behavior when I was a child.

I constantly long for a mother (especially during the last few difficult months), but she's the idealised figure of my fantasies, not my real mother. I think if you never had caring/nurturing parents, you never stop longing to be mothered because your younger self never got all the things that a child needs from it's parents; so although you have grown up, you are not really a grown up, iyswim, you've never been through the journey with your parents from childhood into adulthood, you are stuck in perpetual confused child mode. Arrested development, I guess?

There is a book called "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward that helped me a lot to realise that my childhood was abusive and that I am not a freak. From recollection, she talks about forgiveness and how it is not necessarily helpful or healthy.

Also, and this is directed to tb also, there is something called "inner child therapy". I have John Bradshaw's book called "Homecoming: Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child" which is to help you do just that; I have not done the therapy because I'm not in the right place for it at this point in my life, but I have read others' accounts of its effectiveness on the Stately Homes thread. Effectively, your adult self becomes the parent to your younger self, and that way, you nurture/parent the hurt child inside you.

OP, have you ever posted on the Stately Homes thread? At the very least, it's worth reading that thread just to get some validation for the way you are feeling, as all the posters on that thread are survivors from abusive upbringings. I used to post there a bit, but cannot at the moment as I do not have the time/energy to open the floodgates (have a 4 month old, and embarking on unravelling my childhood nearly sent me over the edge during my pregnancy, so I'm trying not to go there for the time being).

I'm sorry for what you are going through and I hope you find some peace.

Bago - I was advised not to read the toxic parents book, was told that I could have written it myself. I have about 4 of John Bradshawe's books (in the cellar awaiting unpacking) also, if people haven't read them, some of Charles Whitfield's too, a brilliant one called 'Boundaries and Relationships' which gives the most brilliant definition of both healthy and unhealthy narcissism.

Thanks, I must dig it out and have another read.

I have posted in the SH thread a while ago but haven't seen it around for ages. I also don't always want to talk about things.

phipps - if the opinion of a stranger can help, then I'd love to give you my reassurance that it is ok not to forgive and it doesn't make you a horrible person. Your mother wounded you very deeply. And she was the person who should have been loving you and protecting you from harm.

I personally think that as long as what happened in the past is still hurting you, then it's important to direct the blame at the person/people responsible for doing whatever it was that hurt you, because it's much better and healthier than directing the blame at yourself. You were not to blame for being born, for being a girl, for being born to a mother incapable of parenting you/and or unwilling to do so. Not in the slightest. You were and are the innocent party here.

Bop - re.'directing the blame'. It can take a long time to accpet that it's not your fault. However, equally it can be not a good thing to be blaming the other person all the time, and feeling bitter towards them. As was saidearly int he thread, better just to accept that they did things and you don't really understand why they acted as they did.

I don't want to be old, bitter and still blaming. Better for those of us with 'unforgiveables' in our lives to accept that it wasn't our fault, and try to forget it, no?

I do blame my mother for all the crap as none of it would have happened if she had not have got pregnant, had have had be aborted like she told me she planned too, had let me be adopted instead of changing her mind, of not fucking up every happy home I had but disappearing for months on end when I was unhappy, however I do not want to be bitter as that isn't who I am.

Oh, to just decide to forget.

Sorry. Maybe for you that means, forget trying to figure out why.

Hi phipps. I've just come across your thread and so much of what has been said has resonated with me.

I have spent years resenting my mother for things she did and things she didn't do and now she tries to be a mother to me, it just doesn't sit right.
I realise that I was wasting so much energy trying to understand her and never will because she doesn't try to understand herself. I will never forgive her for the choices she made, even though I can see what made her the person she is.

I hope this makes sense to you and helps somehow.

I have had a fairly traumatic time at home over the last few years with various issues, these including my XH leaving a year ago. Whilst I bear no grudge towards him for the affair he conducted, what I have resented is the fact that he caused stress and havoc in the family home through his behavior at a time when one of my dcs was going through a traumatic time. In fact, as my XH continued to behave badly I saw my eldest dc sink down and down - my dc now has significant issues which are terrifying that we are working on.

Having carried resentment for a year over this and having become a very different person myself in that year, I got to a point where I was able to forgive him inside myself. I don't really know what got me to that point but I woke up one day and felt that I did not want to carry the resentment any more.

At the time I found reading these quotes useful.

   ?When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free.?
   ?To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.?

When I forgave my XH in my mind I felt wonderful. It's not something I've told him about but it's been good for me and I feel a happier person as a result. The morning I forgave him I had one last little cry and then felt the resentment fade away.

I think forgiveness is a very personal thing and that it's not something you can ever do unless you're ready and it feels right.

Bookcase I have answered your PM.

IYHIH that is kind of how I feel I want to be. Let it all go so I am not the one hurting as she certainly isn't. It is only now I have children of my own that I find what my mother did to be just unfathomable though a bit of me does think what chance did she have with the parents she had? Having said that, my childhood was much worse than hers I have kept my children, try my best all the time and totally love them.

When I did meet up with my mother when I was about 17 she did try and mother me but totally in the wrong way and that annoyed me. Start by trying to be a friend..

Hi phipps, how are you feeling about things today?

Hi perfumedlife .

I haven't thought a lot about my mother as I have had one thing after another but it is still something I need to deal with. Not forgiving her makes me feel like I am bitter but I don't want to be.