My marriage is crumbling and now he's making noises about custody

[panickinglikemad]

My marriage is in serious trouble. Although we keep on putting our heads in the sand, the bottom line is we argue all the time and are really beginning to dislike each other. I've suggested counselling but he refuses as he "doesn't see how a perfect stranger can help". He's always said (half jokingly) that if we ever split up, he wouldn't want custody of our three children (I'm a SAHM). However, last night he said "don't assume you'll get custody" and "if I lose my job (a strong possibility) and you have to go back to work, the courts would give me custody, not you".

How does it all work? I've always assumed that if I was at home with the kids, that I'd be awarded custody - is that wrong? Will I lose the kids if I have to go back to work and we separate? He really seems to be saying it to spite me tbh and I'm shocked that he could stoop so low.

What a mess. Any advice or experience would be a great help.

I'm a regular poster btw.

Sadly, when things go wrong things can very quickly turn spiteful.

You need to see a solicitor and fast to ascertain your legal rights. Whatever you do, don't leave the marital home, get him to leave if poss. If that isn't possible then make sure you take your kids with you and they stay with you.

Hope things get sorted.

As a genaeral rule I think they give custody to the mother with access to the father, unless there is a good reason to take children away from their mother I think they try to avoid it. I hope you sort things out one way or the other.

It's not called custody anymore, it's called care and control. The courts take into account who has been the primary carer, and as that's you, it is highly unlikely that you would lose care and control of your children, although they could grant 50 50 residency if your DH applied and was in a position to cope with it.

Go and see a solicitor, and start making practical preparations for a split. If someone doesn't want to go to counselling in order to save his marriage, then his marriage is not very important to him, and he'll leave it.

Sorry you're going through this. Don't let him bully or scare you.

Thanks for replying. He is a bully, I'm realising that now. I feel I;m going mad with how he looks to trip me up at every turn - I'm constantly defending myself against his digs and jibes until I crack and lose my temper when he then holds his hands up and says "whoa, you're completely hysterical". I'm so frustrated that he won't put himself in my shoes at all and how I seem to be verbally tied up every time we try to sort things out. I'm so frightened that he'll fight me for the kids for the principle of it.

Don't worry.

Go and see a solicitor as soon as you can so that you get a proper idea of what your financial situation would be in the event of a split.

Have you sat down and seriously said to him that you no longer want to go on the way you are? Is there any part of you which still wants to save your relationship (and do you think that if you made it clear to him that you want out, he would be shocked enough to try and put things right)?

oh you poor soul I agree with caligula though is there no way it can be sorted? It sounds as though you are in a serious rut tbh. What is the source of most of your problems, do you know?

He's talking rubbish. Courts do not prevent devoted mothers from living with their children. It's just nonsense, it won't happen and you can tell him so from me! He's probably panicking too tbh, and is hitting out wildly.

God I;ve just read this thread back and I sound such a weak person - I would never have thought it could come to this. If I'm completely honest, I want to stay together for all the wrong reasons - it's easier, I don't want to put the kids through it, I couldn't bear to be parted from the kids for any length of time etc. Whereas, I should be saying I'd be devastated, I love him, couldn't bear to be apart. Again if I'm honest, I dislike him more and more as a person as time goes on and I hate the person I've become as a result of all our strife. At what point do you throw the towel in? Do marriages just limp along for years, papering over the cracks? It's like we're both teetering on the edge of a cliff but neither of us want to be the one to jump IYKWIM.

you dont sound weak at all, just worried.

i would be worried about his custody comment as if you go back to work and he is at home looking after the kids it will go against you should it go to court. residency is not automatically awarded to the mother, it is usually awarded to the primary caregiver (ok thats normally mum, but not always and i wanted to point that out). if i were you, i would kick him out before i got a job and let him stay at home with the kids.

i really hope you manage to sort it out in a friendly way. i dont speak to my x at all and its horrible for the kids

Your dh is just making idle threats. Unless you are an unfit mother the Courts are not going to take the kids away from you. This can be unfair for the xdhs but thats life! I am afraid that lots of marriages end up like yours whether you stick at it depends on how unbearable things are. Some people are lucky enough to remain "in love" with their partners but lots of marriages survive on mutual respect for each other and a desire to be good parents. You have my sympathies, there is no lonelier place to be than in an unhappy marriage especially if there are kids involved.

I'm probably wrong on this one, but don't the courts insist you have to go thru counciling now, before divorcing anyway? (that'd pee him off right!)

No they can suggest it but it is not obligatory. There were some trials a while ago and it did nothing to reduce the divorce rate so the Government backtracked on this.

Hi

A lot of your posting could be me at the moment except I only have 1 dd. Dh has asked for a trial separation - the only difference is that he has agreed to go to counselling, although he said he would be annoyed if I managed to change because of a talking to counsellor rather than him (it's all my fault apparantly), sorry not meaning to hijack you.

You can go to relate by yourself - is it worth giving that a try? If nothing else it might give you some time and space to think things through yourelf. We've only been once so far but it might mean you can get to say your side without being tongue tied and feeling put down.

I know what you mean about th reasons going through your head about wanting to stay although when I think about it I sometimes think that actually being separate would be easier than the arguments,but I want to fight for being a family.

We've now shared the week out into nights when we have the right to do what we want (which actually suits me) and there's a fair bit of tag (one in one out) but there are fewer expectations and therefore fewer arguments. Don't know how long it will go on for though.

I don't know if it helps to know others are in the same boat.

thinking of you {{{}}}

I haven't read the other replies but I bet they say the same: it's highly unlikely he'd get custody (which is called residence now I think), it really is. You do need to see a solicitor asap. Being a sahm will probably be in your favour in a case re residence tbh. Sorry this is going on. He is being spiteful and trying to scare you and it's worked hasn't it? But he is wrong.

whatamess, I'm so sorry you're going through this as well. Thank you everyone for posting - I think I'll book an appointment with Relate and go anyway. It certainly can't do any harm. WOuld the CAB be a good place to start with practical advice or should I go straight to a solicitors?

I decided to try and make the peace last night but he was in full "wounded martyr" mode, so we spent the evening in silence and then he went off to work before I woke up. The biggest problem with him is he has no-one to talk to, no-one to suggest there is another way of looking at things (and he's an incredibly black and white person anyway). I really hope that counselling would give him a different perspective, but if he won't even try it, we're stuffed.

How do we handle the money side of things if we separate? There's no spare money for him to rent somewhere unless we sell the house. Will everything be split 50/50?

Not necessarily. Depends how much money is in "the pot" - all your assets/income will be taken into account. In a lot of cases the wife gets more than 50% because she is responsibile for the kids and needs more money/larger accommodation than the husband. Obviously the priority will be housing the children but it sounds to me like the matrimonial home will have to be sold. DH will have to pay 20% net income to support the kids (CSA rules). You could also apply for maintenance for yourself but obviously this all depends on how much money is coming in. You will need some basic legal advice once you have decided on a split.

panickinglikemad - sorry about your situation, I hope that things improve for you. Your husband is trying to frighten you; please don't let him.
not too much to add but thought I would say:

• very unlikely to be split 50/50 when there are children to maintain and house

• please try hard to stay as calm as you can (dfficult when you are plm I know) because it is too easy to make decisions in the heat of the moment which might be difficult to wriggle out of later.

• STAY IN THE HOUSE - sorry don't mean to shout but try to preserve the status quo.

• get some decent legal advice as soon as you can. Hopefully it won't come to it, but IME the "amicable divorce" is a very very rare thing indeed. I have seen too many people screwed over by getting lousy legal advice or getting it too late.
  he's wrong and don't forget it.

Please search the net for local solicitors, or go to your Yellow Pages, and make an appointment as soon as you can.

Then you can make any decisions armed with a basic knowledge of what is likely to happen in the event of a split.

Most solicitors will give you an initial consultation for free - so you can even shop around until you find a rottweiler you like.

panickinglikemad, sounds to me like he is trying to frighten you. He knows nothing is more important to you than your children - so that is where your weakness is. He is very unlikely to actually get full care of the children. Even if he does lose his job (remember again he could be frightening you with this prospect too - my ex-H certainly used to), he is much more likely to be in a position to find work again than you, if you have been out of the labour market for a few years to look after very small children.
He is trying to frighten you and then use your fear as a means of controlling you.
Think about what will be best for your & the children. Get legal advice & take it from there, at your pace & in your own time.
Big hugs to you.

Thank you so much for all your help and support. I actually feel really sorry for men as they could do with a Mansnet - how many "Am I being unreasonable" threads do you get on here?? My DH never thinks he's being unreasonable and there's no-one to tell him (apart from me, but of course I'm just hysterical). I went for a job interview today for a part-time position, but I feel there could be scope there for more hours if the sh*t really does hit the fan.

Thanks again everyone - will let you know how it goes.

If you think you may be heading for the divorce courts, be careful about taking on a part-time job now. It is a concession you may want to make during negotiations at a later stage. I was already working part-time and my ex-H argued in court that I should work full-time. Fortunately the judge decided that with such small children (5 & 2) it was not reasonable for me to be seeking fulltime employment. However, my ex-H has negotiated his financial contribution down after my youngest goes to school as he argued that then I could work fulltime.
If I were you, I would hold off the part-time stuff until you know for sure what is happening with your marriage.

Really? Oh no . Right, I need some legal advice pronto.

you really really do, pml.
preserve the status quo, as much as you can.

Bugsy2 that's outrageous.

What are you supposed to do in school holidays?

In some ways, it's easier when they're pre-school age because nurseries are open all the time.