My marriage is crumbling and now he's making noises about custody

[panickinglikemad]

My marriage is in serious trouble. Although we keep on putting our heads in the sand, the bottom line is we argue all the time and are really beginning to dislike each other. I've suggested counselling but he refuses as he "doesn't see how a perfect stranger can help". He's always said (half jokingly) that if we ever split up, he wouldn't want custody of our three children (I'm a SAHM). However, last night he said "don't assume you'll get custody" and "if I lose my job (a strong possibility) and you have to go back to work, the courts would give me custody, not you".

How does it all work? I've always assumed that if I was at home with the kids, that I'd be awarded custody - is that wrong? Will I lose the kids if I have to go back to work and we separate? He really seems to be saying it to spite me tbh and I'm shocked that he could stoop so low.

What a mess. Any advice or experience would be a great help.

I'm a regular poster btw.

Im living in a total nightmare .... i asked my husband for a divorce in July . He wasnt happy and pleaded and begged but after many years of problems and going to relate I decided enough was enough.
First he insisited we sell the home as he stated we have so much debt theres no money in the pot, instead he has amassed huge debts on various credit cards, and other loans.I have my name signed on a loan which naive as i was allowed him to deal with all finances. I never realised it was a loan secured on the property. Obviously I refused to do that. Initially he said he would find somewhere to live but now he refuses to move out. I know there is nothing i can do legally to make him.
We have four children, eldest age,17 my son from first marriage who has lived with my present husband from 18 months of age.
Another son , age 9, a severly autistic daughter , age 7 and another daughter age 4.
My husband then declared to me "dont take it personaly but im gonna go for the kids"
The last few weeks have been hell, suddenly he stopped going to work in the mornings declaring I leave my youngest daughter frequently alone in the house. Then he stopped working away , as a rule he was away every week, as little as 3 times a week , sometimes he would leave sunday and return home Friday. He has told his employer im unfit and needs to remain at home.
Too cut a long story short i have recieved statements made by my husband and his friend from my solicitor making all kinds of allegations and him asking the court to declare him residency of the children.
The lies told are unbelievable, but him and his m8 have obviously discussed this in length because 1 statement backs up another. His m8 did some decorating in our home and was a frequent visitor, has stated I left my daughter alone frequently in the home whilst i was round a friends or at the shops.
He said when he was decorating i was on the computor all day and neglected the children , that they werent fed, were unkempt and smelly.
He has sed my autistic daughter smashed her head violently and repeadly against the wall because i ignoring her, and that he had 2 repair the wall 6 times in 2 weeks. My daughter does headbang on the wall frequently it is a sterotypical autistic behaviour which she has done from a baby. On 2 occasions she has dented walls in her 7 yrs headbanging. He wasnt even there when she did it but i did ask him if he'd repair it.
Theres so much rubbish that never even happened , apparently she climbed up a ladder and he had to catch her because she slipped off whilst apparently i was on the computor.
My husband has bascilly echoed these things but added i leave knives lying around, cleaning fluids and all sorts.
That the house is a complete mess adn that he has to clean up, that there is never any proper food in the house and the children are always looking for food.
The list is endless.
The worst part is he has said the eldest child bullies the younger son smacking him around the head and holding his throat.etc, and calling them names. They have had rows and fights as all children do but he does not bully him. he hardly around.
He has been taking my youngest son aside and having chats etc , my son tells me and asks me not 2 let Dad know. He says things like " your mum hasnt been feeding you properly, or my elsest son is a bully, or your sister gets scared n frightened when mummy leaves her alone". The situation is absolutly intolerable and i feel like running and running, if not for the children i would have left the home.
Im now left with the task of making people believe its all rubbish. It scares me that I will loose the children over lies.
Despite feeling like a single parent for many many years Im now facing the prospect, of possibly loosing the kids.

gosh that sounds really awful,

with the prospect of losing my kids i am afraid i would lie. i would be the nastiest bitch on the face of this planet. i would phone the police and tell them he is violent, i would tell solicitor this too, i would go to the doctor and ask him for help, i would cry and tell him that he is frequently violent - i would tell the doctor that the holes in the wall were made by him punching the wall trying to frighten me into giving up the children. i would tell them and solicitors he is jealously obsessive and he has now even taken to staying at home because he needs to control what i do and where i go. i would tell the solicitors that giving up work as he is has left you in even more financial dire straits

children or house ...children or house.....if it came to it i would run to the council and plead homelessness tell them that you are in a violent relationship and you need someone to help you. i woudl take the kids and leave the house.

then if it comes to it my agument would be - why the fuck would i leave the home knowing i was giving up my rights to live in the property to live in some skanky council house if it was all made up?

as he is being a cunt i would work out how much money he will have to pay you in child support - for your own financial workings - becuase you have to start working these things out.

the whole of mumsnet is now going to stone me - but i have told my husband on numerous occasions that i will royally screw him if it came to it.

Can i just say hellcrustymouth i wouldnt stone you over that statement cause i would do the exact bloody same and get back up to prove it albeit falsley just like he has,if he is playing this type of game hunni you need to play it dirtier!!!Please CAT me as i have many tactics having just gone through very similiar with my ex and beaten him!!he knows i have screwed him and he has no leg to stand on so has gone for now,but ill always be one step ahead ready for him coming back.So totally agree with hellcrustymouth whatever it takes to keep him away from you and your kids.

Hi Babsy - HellmouthCusty has a good point - he is not playing fair, so why should you?

Call me today - i'm in til 3pm. Thinking of you. xx

Loobie - is it ok for me to CAT you, rather than Babsie please - it's difficult for her to go on the computer as he is keeping tabs on her.

I agree with custy
I would definitely look at getting the bastard locked up, play him at his own game but better

as for his mate i would look at ways of destroying his little business by putting out rumours that he has a nasty STD or that his work is shite

choc send her our support, it must be really hard

Thanks, I will Doormat.

any update panickinglikemad?

You need legal advice fast. I would lie as much as I wanted given his dirty tricks, but it's not true to say that you have to sell the house or move out of it. Go to see a solicitor.

Oh, sorry I see you have a solicitor... what the hell is he doing to help you??

any update babsy?

babsy - need to know

No update as yet on Babsy HMC. It is difficult for her to go online - especially during the evening. Will let you know if I hear anything from her.