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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

dh is such a lazy ar$e that I am thinking of kicking him out

29 replies

QueenEagle · 13/09/2005 14:30

Inspired by another thread about lazy dh's.

Mine does nothing in the way of housework - no laundry, cooking, cleaning, ironing, gardening, decorating.

We have 5 kids. He will bathe the babies about 40% of the time. He sits on the computer all day on his days off.

He is a lazy sod in bed too - far too much trouble to make sure I am "seen to" - as long as he is alright that's the end of it - I get a "sorry babe" before he turns over and goes to sleep.

I've been a single parent on benefits before so i do know what it's like but I really am starting to wonder what the point of being married to dh is. It's like having an overgrown 6th child to deal with.

OP posts:

Original poster

QueenEagle · 13/09/2005 14:40

A girl could get a complex being ignored you know!

I don't know whether to engineer yet another row about this issue or just say to dh that I have had enough and i want out.

Any advice would be welcome.

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panickinglikemad · 13/09/2005 14:43

on't think I'm the best person to give you advice at the moment .

I really feel for you. It's sh*t isn't it?

Caligula · 13/09/2005 14:44

Have you told him how you feel?

Original poster

QueenEagle · 13/09/2005 14:47

Yep, it is.

This is nothing new for me though - he has always been lazy and I have put up with it to an extent until I can't stand it any more and have a go.

He works nights, comes in in the morning and walks staright by the babies to the computer then after half an hour he announces he's off to bed. Thsi morning I asked him to play with ds3 as he wanted someone to kick a ball with him in the garden and dh rolled his eyes at me.

OP posts:

Original poster

QueenEagle · 13/09/2005 14:50

Caligula - yes I have, many, many times. Sometimes he actually does things for a couple of days before slipping back into "oh I never really notice what needs doing" mode.

He's very quick to have a go at the kids when they haven't emptied the bin or swept the floor though.

Last week I drew up a new chores list for the kids and included myself and dh on it. (I wouldn't ask the kids to do anything I'm not prepared to do). dh announced that he wasn't going to be told to do chores.

OP posts:

Caligula · 13/09/2005 14:52

What's his logic for that? And what sort of example is that to his children?

Jesus.

Hmm am stuck on this one. Will ruminate further while I collect DS from school!

Original poster

QueenEagle · 13/09/2005 15:05

I have already been through a divorce and I wouldn't put my kids through that lightly again.

Thing is, I really don't think dh will ever change - I learned that you can't change people into what you want them to be a long time ago.

I am starting to resent dh and I have asked myself the question "what does he do to enhance my life?" a million times in the last few weeks. Apart from paying the bills, I can't think of anything else.

Is it time for me to get out?

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caroline3 · 13/09/2005 15:39

Have you done your financial sums? How much is he contributing to the family budget and what sort of father is he to the kids? Does he treat you respectfully especially in front of the kids? If its "just" a matter of him being a lazy a* then unfortunately he only behaving like at least 50% of the male population. As you say he is unlikely to change so you need to ask yourself whether the benefits outway the downside and obviously you will need to consider the effect of a split on the kids. Not easy is it? I am certainly happier on my own even though money is quite tight.

Original poster

QueenEagle · 13/09/2005 16:00

Half his weekly wage goes into our joint account which is for bills. He pays out extra for the kids activities too, so I can't fault him on that score.

He is a nice bloke who lived at home for way too long before moving into a flat of his own. Thing is, he knows he doesn't pull his weight yet hates me pulling him up for it. I reckon he believes that becauase he goes out to work he doesn't have to do anything around the house.

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caroline3 · 13/09/2005 16:09

Perhaps you could ask him to do one specific task each week like asking him to do the shopping or taking the older kids out to the park. He might respond well to some specific "instructions" as long as they don't appear to daunting/difficult. Does he do any DIY/maintenance around the house? If he does then that is one positive thing to take into account.

Original poster

QueenEagle · 13/09/2005 16:12

I do all the decorating although I have nagged him so much recently he is helping to lay the flooring at the weekend now I have redecorated the lounge.

Apart from the money he pays into the bills account he serves no other useful purpose in my life.

I have nagged him about doing more in the house but maybe I need to actually sit jim down and tell him how serious things are in my mind and how close he is coming to wrecking our relationship?

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Amanda1 · 13/09/2005 16:13

Message withdrawn

caroline3 · 13/09/2005 16:19

Agree you need to explain to him just how serious the situation is. Rather than generalised "nagging" however you could give him a few specific things that you would like him to take responsibility for. That might be an opportunity for him to buck his ideas up. It depends how much he wants to stay in the marriage however. If things go on the way things are you will lose all respect/affection for him and there will be no turning back. As you said you have been through a divorce before and although it is stressful sometimes it is the only way forwards.

kelli22 · 13/09/2005 16:23

i def think its worth having a sit down and having a serious chat, tell him that you expect more from your marriage if its going to survive if you didnt have the kids would you put up with his behaviour? when the kids have grown up and left home would you still want to spent quality time with him......im not much help im afraid, im not married tho do live like i am if that makes sense
sometimes i like not being married as i know we're both in it cuz we want to be not cuz we're married to each other....(sorry just going off on one there for a min, not v helpful)

i think all men do need a good kick up the arse now n again to make them realise your not their mum you are an equal partner and he shoudl be helping more, 5 kids and a house is a lot of hardwork, maybe you should try a couple of days away on your own n see how easy he finds it by himself, a bit like who rules the roost (dont know if you've seen it) but they have two weeks and the first week the man is a sahd and in the 2nd wk the woman is a sahm and by the end they decide who's better off staying at home with the kids. (just thinking you could do a shortened version before you decide anything major)

mommie · 13/09/2005 16:32

A family friend of ours stayed with her hubby until her kids were grown (she had no job and could not afford to move out). She said the final straw was when she was hoovering and he just sat on the sofa and lifted up his feet so she could hoover under them. I think she wishes she had left that home years ago, but the truth was she couldn't afford to.

expatinscotland · 13/09/2005 16:41

Forget the nagging. Or the talking. If he's too much of a selfish git to realise what a selfish git he's being, he'd have stopped behaving like that long ago.

No amount of money is worth being miserable.

Kick him out.

expatinscotland · 13/09/2005 16:47

I've lived w/someone like that, and it's not about housework, parenting responsibilities or even sex. It's about respect for you, for your relationship, for your kids and for your home.

If you have to spell that out to someone, over and over again, they're not worth having.

Mum2girls · 13/09/2005 16:51

QE - do you love him?

expatinscotland · 13/09/2005 16:52

QE - do you love yourself?

caroline3 · 13/09/2005 16:56

agree its probably best to kick him out. However given that there are children involved it might be worth giving him one last chance. It really depends how many times this has happened in the past and whether he is still acting the way he is even though he knows the marriage is on the line. If you have already impressed this on him and he is making no effort to change then he is showing you no respect and you would probably be happier without him. How many of the children are his?

weesaidie · 13/09/2005 16:57

Have to say I am inclined to agree with expat on this one...

I may be high maintenence (I am single after all) but I just don't want to have to tell someone how to behave. I want them to want to do it. To want to help me and support me etc.

Original poster

QueenEagle · 13/09/2005 17:37

I don't need analysing!! Yes i do in fact love and like myself and am generally happy with the way my life is. I like being at home with my kids and will be happy to do so until my youngest starts school. I like my own space and I like time with my mates, I have hobbies etc.

It's not about me, it's about him. Do I love him. Hmm I think so but I don't like his lazy ways.

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monkeytrousers · 13/09/2005 19:16

Can't he change his job to fit in with the family more. If the only time you see each other is when you'r knackered, stressed or pee'd off then it's bound to have an effect.

How old are your kids QE? Like you said you wouldn't put the kids through a divorce so you need to think up a strategy.

Maybe he just needs a shock. Can you nip off to a friends or sisters or cousins for a week and not tell him you're going (tell the kids you're all off on holiday maybe - or really go on holiday without him!)Give him a jolt!

Original poster

QueenEagle · 13/09/2005 22:44

His job does in fact give him a fair bit of time off so we have ample opportunity to be together. Trouble is he spends most of his time on the pc and then complains that he's not done all the things he wanted to do because of it! He has trouble motivating himself to get things done and unless I actually organise him he wouldn't do anything at all. I have very gradually started to back off from doing this and letting him miss meetings or whatever and suffer the consequences.

I did plan to go away on my own at the start of the school hols but he whinged about it so much I only went for one night so didn't feel I'd had a break at all.

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expatinscotland · 13/09/2005 22:47

Sounds like that 6th child you were talking about, QE.

The single life is worth a try at least.

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