I'm new and could do with a 3rd party perspective

[Mrstryingtohaveitall]

As the title says I'm brand new to the board and would appreciate a 3rd party view on the issues I have with my DH. It's a bit of a long one so please bear with me :)

On the whole I am pretty happy with my life but I sometimes wonder if I?m flogging a dead horse with my marriage. Bit of background: Been married for nearly 4 years, both in our early 30s, together for nearly 7 years. Have a one year old DD who we adore, great careers, no money worries, live in our ?dream? home, healthy and happy family ? on the surface all pretty good! Please don?t think I am being big headed!

I believe my husband is a good man and has many many good points. He?s incredibly loyal, a fantastic father, helpful, generous, ambitious, hardworking, great sense of humour etc etc. I sound gushing but it?s true. When things are good we have a laugh, are reasonably affectionate with each other. Have an OK sex life, are understanding and supportive to each other.

Here?s the problem. He will go through periods where he will withdraw and barely speak to me. This is when he feels unhappy about me, e.g. if we?ve had a row or he?s harbouring a dislike of me for a reason, e.g. he thinks I?m not interested in sex, not spoken to his mum properly. All of which is rubbish in my opinion. OK we don?t swing from the chandeliers but we have what I would call an ?average? sex life. This could be the root of all problems ? he wants more in this area. He?ll only really talk if I speak to him and then it will be monosyllabic, quiet and generally with an air of dislike of me. These periods generally last an average of a week but have been known to go on for 2 or 3 weeks at a time. Once they are over with he?ll go back to normal, everything fine and the issue of his withdrawal is not mentioned. Over the years it has spoilt Christmases, weekends, holidays away. It even happened about a month before our wedding and my sister and mother had serious doubts for a while why was I marrying him. Whilst it?s going on I feel rotten. Imagine living with somebody who seems to dislike you entirely and it?s how it feels. The usual of pattern of behaviour will be me asking him what?s wrong (in a kindly manner). He will say ?nothing?. I will try a bit more and then give up. I usually pretend nothing?s wrong for a week or so until I can stand it no longer and snap, usually ending up screaming at him ?please talk to me!?. This eventually provokes a reaction from me, I?ll cry and be so upset and he will eventually make up with me after lots of tears. He will very very rarely just snap out of it.

In the past I have suggested counselling, he wont entertain it. It feels as if he is trying to control a situation by withdrawing which I know is abusive. He?s clever however, if I ignore his behaviour and then have it out with him he will either tell me i?m imaging it or will say ?well it?s taken you 2 weeks to say something?. A no win situation.

In a way before we had a child I was even beginning to get used to this pattern. Now we have a child however I feel dreadful for her that she will grow up with this kind of atmosphere every so often. To be fair he will not act like that to her, he?ll just not acknowledge me and will just talk to her etc.

I feel hard done by because I really don?t feel that I?ve done anything wrong!

I?ve only really ever told my sister (who?s like a best friend to me) the whole story. She is of the impression that I give him an ultimatum in that I don?t want to live like this. Which I must admit when I?m pushed so far by his behaviour I do sometimes tell him I?d rather be on my own than with him like that. It?s not the case though. I believe in my marriage and want it to work. The thought of my life being punctuated by this regular pattern disturbs me though. It?s miserable .

As I said I?d appreciate it if anybody has any clues to his behaviour and how I can deal with it. I?d love to sit him down in a room with a 3rd party and talk it over but he will never go for that.

Thank you

If he refuses counselling, in all honesty, there is no hope for your marriage. It's either put up or shut up, and I know what i would choose.

This is diabolical mental cruelty, and god help your daughter. She may be only one, but i can guarentee you it won't be long until she picks up on it.

Your husband is emotionally abusing and controlling you. Are you fully aware of this?

I aggree with the above poster. At best this behaviour is immature, at worst it is cruel and abusive.

How do you feel about the prospect of him treating your daughter like this one day? He needs help to sort it out before he makes her feel the same way he makes you feel.
I would pursue the counselling idea, make him see how important it is to you.
Come on here to talk anytime.

What is so insideous about this behaviour is that, to an outside observer he can shrug it off as being a bit huffy, a tad immature. But it is much worse than that.

I hate people who go in huffs, just cannot be doing with it. But some do, that's life. But this is your dh, and he is freezing you out for weeks at a time, and making you doubt yourself. How is that loving?

I think your sister is right - you should give him an ultimatum. If he is not prepared to go for counselling to try to get to the bottom of why he is treating you so unfairly, I think you should get out of this marriage while your DD is still young enough to be unaffected by the split.

The longer you leave this, the harder it will be to get out this situation. I'm sorry, but that's a fact.

Oh my god, that really is very very cruel and controlling. How often do these incidences occur?

My ex used to sulk like this as a 'punishment' for anything I did/said that he didn't like. He only ever made it last a few days, not 2-3 weeks, that must be unbearable. It is so horrible as you just rant and cry at a brick wall and feel so powerless and out of control. I am only now years later coming to terms with how abusive this was.

The only times I managed to 'snap him out of it' was when I would literally start packing my bags, telling him I was going to leave as it was unacceptable for him to sulk at me like a child. Sometimes this would lead him to stop blanking me and we would be able to have a proper discussion. However this tactic is a bit trickier to pull off when you are married with a DC!

Like you say, this situation is so, so much more unacceptable now you have a DC. Your daughter will definitely become aware of this atmosphere, and I'm willing to bet you often try to modify your behaviour and suppress your opinions in order to avoid his sulking 'punishments' of you. I know I did. Your daughter will grow up with a mother living in fear of her father, and that is very, very wrong. This situation has to change.

do you think your dh suffers from depression? it seems a little like this might be the case?

so have you asked him why he does this?

did his parents treat each other this way? this
sounds alot like my granparents,who were often 'not speaking' when i was a child!!

also,is this behaviour just reserved for you? not his family,friends,colleagues etc

Thank you for the comments and thoughts.

Bundlebelly - you are right, the thought of him treating my daughter like this makes me feel very sad.

I know it has to be put right for all our sakes.

I hate confrontation!!

I've never seen him do this to anybody else. Just me.

I dont believe he has depression as he will be fine once we are over the bad period. Plus he's a positive upbeat person (most of the time) and has never ever ever mentioned depression.

Feeling so sad. I cant ignore this any longer.

My mother used to do this. It's hell. The good thing is that she hasn't spoken to me for 18 years, so I don't have to suffer it any more.

The fact that you say he doesn't do this to anyone else, just you, is very telling. This is a classic abusive tactic. Everyone else gets him being normal, and the only hint of his behaviour is when it spills out into public life and is visible to them. Which is bound to be a far watered down version of the hell you experience, on a regular basis.
And on top of that, he gets to shake his head sadly around others, twirl one finger at his temple and imply that YOU are the bonkers one, because of your outbursts and crying 'please talk to me!'

I think this kind of insidious abuse is a real conundrum to get your head around. I have been on the receiving end of abusive behaviour in the past that, although not like this, was similar in terms of the spacing in time. And it took me a very long time to realize that there is an unspoken belief in our society about this kind of abuse. It's the idea that if it's every so often, it somehow 'doesn't matter'. This is totally false. It DOES matter, and it's really wrong, damaging and a nightmarish situation to bring up a child in, as well. If you're unhappy with it, that's enough. It's not okay.

Do you want your daughter to grow up a miserable people-pleaser with low self esteem, used to dancing about like an eejit trying to get a reaction/positive response from a Dad who is stonewalling her because of some perceived misdemeanor?

What you'll find in the end is that it doesn't MATTER what the issue is. It's just an excuse to periodically treat you like shit. If you were Miss Perfect, he would still find something to get in a huff about, because he likes getting in a huff and having you try to placate him.

Without counselling, you're doomed. And frankly I can understand why he won't entertain the thought, because any counsellor worth their salt would drag his bullshit out into the open where everyone could see it, and he wouldn't want that, would he?

It's the covert abuse that is often the most damaging, because you don't realize how deep the wounds go until years later. Please have a serious think, and keep talking to people in RL about it as well; you need support badly as this behaviour can't be allowed to continue. I hope so much that you can see that.
Take care.

This must all be really hard for you to read. I hope you are ok. If he isn't interested in counselling and saving your relationship, then make sure you pursue it just for yourself. I suspect that when you start really talking about it and feeling it you will realise how wrong and painful this situation is. You will feel worse for a while, and then, at some point you will start to gain strength to deal with this unacceptable situation. I understand that you hate confrontation, and you sound like a gentle sort of person who tries to please, but there will be reasons for that. I hope that you can find the strength for your dd that is hard to find for yourself. You are not alone.

Wow, thank you. To see these comments in black and white is sobering to say the least. I feel wretched to be honest and I plan to think seriously for the next few days on what to do next.

I've really taking some comfort in the kindness in some of these posts.

Thanks again

A great post by CheerfulV but I just wanted to add something to it

some children as they grow up, if faced with withdrawal of affection from parents will endeavour to force attention on them that is sometimes "positive" (the people-pleasing dancing eejit, eg.)

and sometimes "negative" in that "negative" attention/responses are better than no response at all (the kids who get into trouble, develop eating disorders, self-harm, get involved in abusive relationships to cite a couple of horrible examples)

something for anyone to think about who is involved in a relationship where affection and attention is conditional and withdrawn at whim by a controlling person

My 1st thought was depression. My best male friend has had depression for 30 years. Usually worse at times of stress- Christmas etc

My father did this...among other things!

Every single Christmas for the whole of my childhood he would engineer a row with my mother...amd disappear into his study for a week. My mother would run around like a headless chicken pandering to him, while he just sat in silence staring out of the window.

Us kids tiptoed around, not allowed to open our presents, Christmas dinner eaten in silence while my mother took his into the study.

When he emerged from his sulk we would all have to act merry and jolly and open our presents etc etc etc

It happened at other times too, and when he wasn't shouting and violent he was silent and withdrawn.

It is a control tactic, and sent me into what I now recognise as depression when I was around 6 or 7 years old. A lifetime later I am in psychotherapy, trying to get over it all.

I could tell you other things that sprang from this behaviour, but suffice to say my father was a very, very damaged person, with no self-awareness whatsoever.

If I were you I would think very carefully about your relationship, and what effects this behaviour will have on your child.

And further to what Scary said...I remember once burning myself with an iron on purpose to get his attention.

shit , GAG [hsad]

I do identify with that, as sadly I speak from experience also

Depresssion, my arse. If he was depressed, he would treat everyone like this. He's only doing it to you so he is choosing to do it. He is fully in control of his behaviour, and the reason he is doing it is to make sure that there is no room in your head for anything but thinking of ways to please him. Because as far as he's concerned, you exist only for his benefit and if you don't obey, submit and perform the way he wants, you have to be punished.

I'm afraid counselling is unlikely to fix the relationship as when one partner has decided to abuse the other (and he is abusing you, because he is making a conscious effort to distress you because doing so makes him feel good/makes you obey him) then the relationship is doomed. However, counselling for you might help you get yourself and DC away from him and rebuild your self-esteem.
THis is probably upsetting to read, but remember that it's not your fault. Other people have been through similar situations and there is a lot of help and support out there.

Yeh it is shit...the iron thing I had forgotten about until now...

OP what are your H's parents like?

OP, do you mind elaborating on this comment ?This could be the root of all problems ? he wants more in this area? . You are probably right in thinking this could be the cause of his behaviour so why don?t we explore this further. Does he want sex more often or does he want you to be more adventurous?

OP my dh was a little like yours. Not quite to the same extent (sulked for 3-5 days rather than a couple of weeks). It used to really freak me out and I would scurry around tryihg to please him/jolly him out of it. I used to feel it was somehow my fault and therefore my responsibility to make it better.

Through the years of our marriage (almost 10) I grew to realise that it WAS A CROCK OF SHIT.

So . . . once I grew up a bit I refused to collaborate with his stupid childish moods. I would immediately confront him by describing exactly how he was behaving and how idiotic I thought it was and how pathetic he was being.

ie . . .

Him

Me: "Oh are you sulking again? How exactly is that going to help? How long will you be doing it for this time?" etc etc, you get the idea.

This has had the effect of knocking it out of him. He no longer behaves like a spoilt child and I no longer feel panicked and anxious when he got in a 'mood'.

It is basically controlling and nasty behaviour. You need to confront it. Particularly as you have a child to consider. It was really when my dds arrived that I decided that I had enough children to deal with and didn't want a dh who behaved worse than they did.

Good luck.

'In the past I have suggested counselling, he wont entertain it. It feels as if he is trying to control a situation by withdrawing which I know is abusive. He?s clever however, if I ignore his behaviour and then have it out with him he will either tell me i?m imaging it or will say ?well it?s taken you 2 weeks to say something?. A no win situation.'

Depression my arse.

The Silent Treatment -- 'the worst form of emotional abuse'

SurreyAmazon no way should MrsTrying pander to this man. He is doing this because he likes hurting her, making her feel small and worthless, and unworthy of his attention great qualities in a sex partner, yes? He gets his jollies by seeing her in orbit around him, watching him for signs of affection or even civility for days or even weeks at a stretch. Plus laundry, and maybe two meals at home a day.

HarrietVanger, well done. MrsT, you must get over your fear of confrontation.

@Mathananxiety

You make a valid point, and while I am not intimating that she should pander to him (I definitely agree that abit of assertion is needed to neutralise the sense of control he thinks he has over the OP), I am hesitant to become enmeshed in labelling him as abusive. The OP did say he was wonderful in every other way did she not? How many women on (especially the happily married ones) can say their husband/partner is ?loyal, a fantastic father, helpful, generous, ambitious, hardworking, and has a great sense of humour??.

If he is sulking and giving her the silent treatment because he is unhappy with an ?average? sex life (cause and effect), then we should focus on that no?

Let me know if this is a reasonable suggestion or if I am being too naive (which is likely because I suppose I am sympathising with both parties).

"He?s incredibly loyal, a fantastic father, helpful, generous, ambitious, hardworking, great sense of humour etc etc"

Those comments though are generic ones and do not address what the OP in question feels about him herself. I could say the above re my DH but would also add that I love him so very much and he worships the very quicksand I walk on!.

I think women in these types of abusive situations (the 1-3 week silent treatment in cycles is emotional abusive on his part and note that these things are in cycles) tend to write the above sorts of things about their man purely because they themselves have nothing positive to say about them.

Abusers are not nasty all the time otherwise no-one would be with them. They do the nice/nasty cycle very well. Abuse as well is insidious in its onset; the OP has also suggested that even before they had a child she was becoming used to (I would say conditioned to actually) adhere to such a pattern.

If counselling is considered then MrsTrying needs to go on her own. He would never entertain the idea anyway and has indicated as much. That says an awful lot about him as well.

MrsT - I would ask you what you are getting out of this relationship now. You may want your marriage to work but he is not willing to change his ways; this is likely deeply inbuilt behaviour anyway learnt from his own parents (what is their relationship like?). He will not change for you or anyone else; he likely thinks he has done nothing wrong.

You need to carefully consider the effects of all this on your child because damaging relationship lessons will be imparted by both of you to her. This is no legacy to leave your child, a mother walking on eggshells is just another way of saying living in fear.

I think it is only when you are completely out of this will you realise the full extent of the emotional abuse directed at you.

Surrey, with respect, I think you are being a little naive

Most women who are in abusive relationships say their partners are "wonderful in every other way", a "good dad", a "good provider" or whatever

they have to you see, because if they didn't have something to hang onto, why would they stay?

why do you think women stay in these shitty relationships for so long ? Second-guessing themselves, colluding in their own bad treatment, rationalising the cycle of abuse ?

It is because abusive men are not this way all the time. They reel in with niceness, give glimmers of hope of how it could be if only the other partner did X, Y or Z, apply the control just hard enough and long enough to keep someone in line and dancing to their tune. It is explained very well here

Sulking has no place at all in a healthy relationship. End of.