I'm new and could do with a 3rd party perspective

[Mrstryingtohaveitall]

As the title says I'm brand new to the board and would appreciate a 3rd party view on the issues I have with my DH. It's a bit of a long one so please bear with me :)

On the whole I am pretty happy with my life but I sometimes wonder if I?m flogging a dead horse with my marriage. Bit of background: Been married for nearly 4 years, both in our early 30s, together for nearly 7 years. Have a one year old DD who we adore, great careers, no money worries, live in our ?dream? home, healthy and happy family ? on the surface all pretty good! Please don?t think I am being big headed!

I believe my husband is a good man and has many many good points. He?s incredibly loyal, a fantastic father, helpful, generous, ambitious, hardworking, great sense of humour etc etc. I sound gushing but it?s true. When things are good we have a laugh, are reasonably affectionate with each other. Have an OK sex life, are understanding and supportive to each other.

Here?s the problem. He will go through periods where he will withdraw and barely speak to me. This is when he feels unhappy about me, e.g. if we?ve had a row or he?s harbouring a dislike of me for a reason, e.g. he thinks I?m not interested in sex, not spoken to his mum properly. All of which is rubbish in my opinion. OK we don?t swing from the chandeliers but we have what I would call an ?average? sex life. This could be the root of all problems ? he wants more in this area. He?ll only really talk if I speak to him and then it will be monosyllabic, quiet and generally with an air of dislike of me. These periods generally last an average of a week but have been known to go on for 2 or 3 weeks at a time. Once they are over with he?ll go back to normal, everything fine and the issue of his withdrawal is not mentioned. Over the years it has spoilt Christmases, weekends, holidays away. It even happened about a month before our wedding and my sister and mother had serious doubts for a while why was I marrying him. Whilst it?s going on I feel rotten. Imagine living with somebody who seems to dislike you entirely and it?s how it feels. The usual of pattern of behaviour will be me asking him what?s wrong (in a kindly manner). He will say ?nothing?. I will try a bit more and then give up. I usually pretend nothing?s wrong for a week or so until I can stand it no longer and snap, usually ending up screaming at him ?please talk to me!?. This eventually provokes a reaction from me, I?ll cry and be so upset and he will eventually make up with me after lots of tears. He will very very rarely just snap out of it.

In the past I have suggested counselling, he wont entertain it. It feels as if he is trying to control a situation by withdrawing which I know is abusive. He?s clever however, if I ignore his behaviour and then have it out with him he will either tell me i?m imaging it or will say ?well it?s taken you 2 weeks to say something?. A no win situation.

In a way before we had a child I was even beginning to get used to this pattern. Now we have a child however I feel dreadful for her that she will grow up with this kind of atmosphere every so often. To be fair he will not act like that to her, he?ll just not acknowledge me and will just talk to her etc.

I feel hard done by because I really don?t feel that I?ve done anything wrong!

I?ve only really ever told my sister (who?s like a best friend to me) the whole story. She is of the impression that I give him an ultimatum in that I don?t want to live like this. Which I must admit when I?m pushed so far by his behaviour I do sometimes tell him I?d rather be on my own than with him like that. It?s not the case though. I believe in my marriage and want it to work. The thought of my life being punctuated by this regular pattern disturbs me though. It?s miserable .

As I said I?d appreciate it if anybody has any clues to his behaviour and how I can deal with it. I?d love to sit him down in a room with a 3rd party and talk it over but he will never go for that.

Thank you

x-post with attila < waves >

Mrs T.

Everyone is right. This is emotional abuse and controlling. I only have two things to add.

You have already said he sulks over some perceived wrong that you have committed. Now that you know what this is...just keep watching...you will find that it is ALWAYS your fault...your fault that he went into the sulk, your fault that he sulked for a week rather than a day, your fault, your fault, your fault...blah blah. It's not your fault.

Read books about Controlling relationships, and take some action...i.e. next time he does it go for ZERO TOLERANCE. The minute he starts, tell him that you're off to your sister's for a couple of nights and to call you when he's no longer sulking. If you have any chance of stopping this abusive behaviour you REALLY need to get him to take you seriously. I'm not guaranteeing it will work.

xxx

I grew up with my mother acting like this, both to me and to my Dad. As far as I know, she is still like this with my Dad, and with me and my family to a lesser extent because she is now kept at arms length.

It is a truly horrible atmosphere to grow up in, and although I am in my forties now, it still affects me to this day, in that I can't cope with negative atmospheres or people being quiet, amongst other things.

I would say that you need to think really carefully about whether or not you want your daughter to grow up in this atmosphere. I think it is almost inevitable that he will do this to her too, as she grows older, but even if he doesn't, she will see him doing it to you and feel distressed. It still upsets me now to see my mother treating my Dad like this, although I never know how long each episode has been going on for these days.

He needs to realise what he is doing, accept that it is damaging and abusive, and willingly seek help/support to change. You should be able to see that he has changed, and to feel confident that it will be maintained. If he can't or won't, you really need to consider the future of your relationship.

Good luck.

The reason he will not go for counselling, is because he KNOWS that his behaviour is wrong, and cannot/ doesn't want to face up to it. It's far easier to blame someone else, you.

Unfortunately for you, that desire to remain in denial about HIS shit, is more important than his desire to be in a relationship with you or your dc.

HE has a big problem. HE needs to do something about it. If not, you do not have a relationship, as there's only one person in it....him.

Others have asked about his parents, it would be interesting to know how they related to one another....patterns often emerge.

I think you deserve to be in a relationship where you exist too. Maybe counselling for you to explore that idea would be good?

Hi

You have had excellent advice on here already, your husband is definitely indulging in abusive behaviour. Could you let him read this thread, it would be interesting to discover his level of awareness.

It may be that he has learned this behaviour from his own parents. Perhaps within the family dynamic in which he was brough up withdrawing was the only way in which he could safely express his upset. Who knows - if he refuses counselling then you are unlikely to find out.

It may be that he has no idea how to discuss and resolve any issues he has. Eg, he may actually be annoyed about the way you have spoken to his mother but has no idea how to go about raising this with you in a healthy manner.

I think some people actually think that withdrawal/silent treatment is preferable to any confrontation or argument and so almost think they are taking the higher moral route.

I know my own husband used to go into silent retreat and I would use the crying/shouting mode and we created a pretty stinking environment outwith the "good" times.

I also think that my husband used the silent retreat as a form of control and I think it was abusive. Unfortunately I retaliated with angry abusive behaviours.

Fortunately we got help, but it did require outside help and this was only sought when ultimatums were set down, and similarly to you, they were only set when it became clear there was no way we could possibly bring our beautiful daughter up in such a damaging environment.

When under stress we both return to the negative behaviours but we are able to manage ourselves and each other much better.

I really think that couples end up exhibiting abusive behaviours simply due to the fact they don't know how else to behave.

Good luck.

Top answer the question re his parent's relationship; his mother and father split before he was born (never married). Never had any contact with his father and mum never married or got into another relationship. His siblings are either divorced or single (through choice). He has no aunts or uncles, grandparents cousins etc that he is close with who would provide him with a template, ifyou like, of what a marriage is close up. This could be a factor. My own parents, who we are very close to,have a fantastic marriage and in times where I need inspiration I draw upon their experiences, i.e. things are not 1000% perfect all of the time, couples do argue, but they should also healthily make up and not bear grudges.

The question re: sex. He has a normal sex drive (as do I) and is not into anything weird at all. In this past what's happened is he will regularly go into one of these periods of withdrawal if he feels that we arent having enough sex (and by that he means we havent had it for a week or so). Instead of talking to me about it he will sulk. I've told him time and time again the more he stonewalls me the less likely we are to have sex!! He's cutting his nose off to spite his face.

Finally, what OPs have said about me wracking my brains trying to find reasons for why he's acting like this, you're right, I could drive myself mad thinking of minutae that I have supposedly done.

I dont think this has a quick fix. I need to handle it delicately as I do want to stay married to him. I do not believe he is a bad person.

There is no point wracking your brains. It's just total wasted energy.

So he is bullying you basically to have sex.

Nice.

Why do you have to handle it delicately? He isn't!

Did you read the posts from people who had parents who behaved like this?

I need to handle it delicately as if I flare up and become hysterical it wont solve anything. I need to be calm and speak to him rationally. I need to show him that I am serious but want to work it out. I need to do this soon!

Yes, the other posts with people who had parents like this is what is spurring me into action this time. As I've said, the thought of my daughter being affected by this is devastating.

Ok have a look at this link...

cycle of abuse.

So you have a chat with him and you tell him it's unacceptable...then he does it again...then what?

What are your sanctions going to be when he does it again?

Sorry to sound cynical...but I have had a long lifetime of people like this....

I will tell you what I tell everyone in this situation...I hated my father but I hate my mother more...why? Because she knew exactly what he was doing, she knew how us kids felt, and she did nothing.

We actually begged her to leave him when we were in our teens....she just turned on the tears and said that he was always sorry afterwards. Oh well that's ok then.

Why don't you get some counselling for yourself? It might help you to see just how horrible this behaviour really is.

Argh this is a horrible situation. My DM is like this to a lesser extent, for a few days at a time, but thank GOD my dad doesn't pander to it so we've all learnt to ignore and wait for her to get over it. I am quite, er, "feisty" so tended to get pissed off with it, which I think has stood me in better stead thatn my DB who is much more conciliatory and is definitely the "people pleaser" type. He won't say no to anybody, better to say yes (avoid confrontation and possible anger) and just not do whatever it is later.

Why does he say he does it? Do you ever talk about it when he's not mid-sulk? Or would that just kickstart sulk?

"I need to handle it delicately as if I flare up and become hysterical it wont solve anything. I need to be calm and speak to him rationally. I need to show him that I am serious but want to work it out. I need to do this soon!"

Some questions for you to consider:-

Why are you taking sole responsibility for his issues?.

Why have you put yourself in the position to "solve" this?. You cannot solve this btw.

Do you actually think that you talking to him will make a hill of beans difference?. I can tell you now it won't and you'll be in an even worse position than you are now. He is not your bloody project either for rescuing and or saving him from his own demons. I am certain as well that you've tried talking to him before now without any success.

You have yourself stated that the thought of your DD being affected by this is devastating; I would concentrate your mind further on that particular thought because seeing all this that you're both doing (you are BOTH teaching her damaging lessons here) will and is affecting her to her detriment. Children are perceptive and can pick up on all the unspoken signals.

I asked you what you are getting out of this relaitonship now?.

Surrey -- yes, you are being too naive. This man is an abuser. He is not sulking because of the sex life. He sulks because that is what people who are emotionally stunted do when they want to make someone else feel small, and make themselves feel important.

MrsT: What Attila says is important -- this is his problem to solve. Your efforts will have the effectiveness of one hand clapping.

When you say you will approach him carefully and not become hysterical I get a sense that the behaviour is maddening; it is intended to be maddening. There is no rational approach here that will work. He knows he is driving you up the wall.

As far as he is concerned, the relationship is working. He is getting out of it exactly what he needs and wants -- the pleasure of hurting you and throwing his weight around.

He is not suffering any adverse consequences and will keep on doing it until it results in losing something he holds dear. This situation will come down to you issuing an ultimatum and him either laughing at you and you buckling, or you making good on whatever you threaten.

He has already seen you carry on as before after he brushed off the idea of counselling. Every refusal to take you seriously chips away at your self esteem and adds to his sense of invincibility and self-righteousness and entitlement (because that's what the sex thing is about here). You are right to point out that he is cutting off his nose to spite his face. But he seems prepared to force this issue and continue to insist on sex no matter how you feel about yourself or about him and no matter how he treats you. Something has to give here. Is it going to be you?

Please take a look at what Women's Aid has to offer, or get some counselling specifically targeted to emotional abuse victims. And look at this to see if any description rings a bell.

How long before your diamond in the rough, your 'not a bad man', just starts to look like a lump of granite though?

To answer OPs questions:
What do I get out of this relationship? Good question - no quick answer, I'm thinking this over and over..

The question re: does he ever say why he does it? And do we ever talk about it outside of sulky periods. No and No basically. I have asked him, a number of times when it all flares up. When the sulk is over its something I would never bring up again, I guess out of fear it will happen again. Which of course it does.

As I write this my own answer are pretty much telling me everything to be honest.
:(

Think "fear" is the key word there OP :(

He is controlling your behaviour like a warden patrolling the corridors of a prison - step out of line and he will put you in solitary, albeit in your own home.

You don't need policing, you sound lovely, he needs to massively get over himself and get himself into counselling if this is going to work.

Otherwise your poor little DD is going to grow up tiptoeing round daddy's unreasonable moods and silences.

Hope you are ok

I won't repeat what others have already said so well but I think that if your OH refuses to try to get counselling, etc, then there's nothing to be done here. You cannot fix a relationship by yourself.

On the sex thing, please don't think that having different sex needs justifies his behviour. My DH has a much higher sex drive than me and we have regularly gone through periods where he is frustrated with my lack of interest (no reason behind that, just always had a low libido) but he would never go off into the kind of sulk that you are describing. He might get a bit snappy for a day or two but he TALKS to me about it and we work it out.

It's not acceptable that you are being made to feel the way you do

My H behaved like this too

Any time we had a disagreement or I was unhappy with him because he had drunk too much (again!) and behaved like an arse (again!) he would just withdraw and ignore me for days. It would only end when I gave in and started talking to him

I always found this so upsetting and never told anyone so felt really alone.

Eventually I had enough and I left earlier this year

Have met someone else who I can talk to about everything. We communicate on a much deeper level than I ever did with H and I think this is was the main problem. H just didnt know how to talk about issues and I think he was also very guilty about his drinking and bad behaviour that he couldnt deal with it

Its a cliche but communication really is the key. If we cant talk things out then lifes problems will really get in the way

Was with my H for 12 years and he didnt get any better. Maybe your H wont change either OP. I have found a way out and a way forward. I hope you do too