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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm worried about the weekend

45 replies

SDOW · 19/10/2010 22:26

I love my DH with all my heart and I'm sure he loves me. He always tells me and he's a good dad to our DC. He has been unemployed for a long time and I have to provide for the family. Sometimes I think he doesn't even want a job.

Anyway everything is good apart from football. There is a big game this weekendand he takes it seriously. He comes from a huge Irish family and they all come round to watch the game on the telly. I have to supply food and cook it for them. They eat so much its unbelievable. You'd think they were starved at home. I also have to make sure there is enough Guinnes for them. To top it off they are always criticising my home and saying how much better things are at their own house. I mean if its so much better why don't they just go home?

The other problem is if they win then they have a huge party and usually something gets damaged. If they lose its even worse though because my DH goes into a foul mood and sometimes he gets violent.

I really don't know what to do because apart from that life is good

OP posts:
Mistymoo · 19/10/2010 22:28

Have you talked to your dh about how you feel?

Open communication is surely the way to go.

chandra · 19/10/2010 22:32

Ditch the telly?

Doha · 19/10/2010 23:36

Old firm game perhaps!!!!!

SleeplessInLondon · 20/10/2010 00:10

As an Irish lady myself, it makes me sad to hear of my countryman described like this (but not surprised).

Tell him you don't want to spend your weekend cooking & entertaining his family. If he is so keen to spend his relaxation time watching a match with them - let him prepare the food and entertain his guests. He should either take care of the DC's while you enjoy another form of relaxation or you should take care of them and then he should give you a break another day. I don't think you should have to put up with his family damaging anything in home.

Just realized you said your DH gets violent. Suspect that's the real reason for your post. There is no excuse for it. You & your DC deserve better. That is what you need think about. If you are scared of him - you should not be living with him. Are you scared of the violence.

Monty100 · 20/10/2010 00:12

Send them to the pub.

MissMummyT · 20/10/2010 00:19

Lay in bed in the morning, and tell him how unwell and sick your feeling lol,worth a try !

Bucketcrutch · 20/10/2010 00:30

SDOW,

I agree with you, they should go home. Is there a shortage of Guiness? Are the potatoes still in short supply? No? Well in that case inform them that the famine is over, why dont they go home?

There is no excuse for Domestic Violence, especially when sport is used as an excuse for instigating it, I think in some cases their Church has a lot to answer for, as my close friend used to say, Big Jock Knew.

Life is good as you say, I have just had birthday 53 and I am counting down until 54 comes around.

We have an Irishman who lives near us and he stalks around the village trying to wind up the locals, we didnt realise he has social disorders and a history of depression and alcohol abuse, he is now known as 'The Lurking Bigot'

BethanJKendra · 20/10/2010 00:33

I'm in a scarily similar situation, OP.

My DH is a nice guy most of the time apart from when it comes to football. Same thing with the Irish background too weirdly! He has 5 brothers, as many cousins and even more friends and they all descend on our house about four times a year because we're the only ones that can afford SKY. He's not even interested in the other games at weekends, but for some reason these four matches are special Confused

Anyway, to put it bluntly he becomes a bit of a wanker when everyone is over. He will belittle me infront of his friends and try to make sexist remarks about my cooking and keeping out of their way. They leave rubbish all over the house and don't bother trying to clean up, and if I say something the lot of them just laugh. They behave like a pack of animals in all honesty.

It is especially horrible when his team loses, because he can become extremely upset. He has never hurt me or the children thank God, but he has kicked the dog and punched it on some occasions. His whole demeanor can become scary and it's like I don't even know him. He once even threw a chick supper at me and then refused to eat ages.

I would like to confront when it's happening but it's tough. Especially when he's 13 stone, pretty fit and goes to the gym.

TorturesInAHalfHell · 20/10/2010 00:34

Your husband is unemployed and not even looking for work. And when his team loses, he goes into a foul mood and gets violent - that's appalling, illegal behaviour, you realise? He expects you to cook and clean for his huge family - why isn't he doing it? He isn't working, why on earth are you cooking? Are you also doing the cleaning?

Frankly, I can't see how life is good except that you live with an unemployed, lazy, violent asshole who doesn't respect the home he's being provided with. What are his good points?

TorturesInAHalfHell · 20/10/2010 00:37

X-post. Bethan, if you're physically afraid to confront your husband when he is kicking and punching the dog, throwing things at you (which is domestic violence) and verbally abusing you, then something needs to change, and fast. Have you talked to him about it when it's not a football weekend? Because if my husband was beating up a poor defenceless animal, I'd be telling him to leave the house before I called the police, frankly. Why haven't you done that?

cruelladepoppins · 20/10/2010 00:40

I would decide to clear off for the w/e with DC. Can you go to a relative for the w/e? Let DP get on with it. You are not the servant.

And if anything is damaged when you get back, ask them when they are going to replace it as you "can't afford to have stuff damaged when DP is not working".

DioneTheDiabolist · 20/10/2010 00:40

If the efforts and emotional investment in the team are greater than those he puts into his immediate family with you, you have a problem.

ScaryFucker · 20/10/2010 07:26

Break the cycle. You must.

Cancel the TV subscription....do it today.

Tell your husband you are taking the kids for the weekend and going to a friend's/family member.

Tell your husband his family are not coming. Ring them yourself and tell them your husband is violent when drunk and you are afraid your house will get trashed (again). Or tell them you are having some health problems (make it vague, but serious) and you cannot host any more piss-ups.

Tell your husband that if you are forced into skivvying for his family one more time you will take steps to leave him...he doesn't contribute anything anyway, so he can still be a "good father" just not your romantic partner (there is very little "loving" involved in drunken violence)

If you don't do any of these things, because you are too frightened of the consequences, ring Woman's Aid here and speak to someone about your abusive marriage.

bigchris · 20/10/2010 07:37

Surely they should bringstuff over with them
like a four pack of Guinness each
but if the booze makes your dh violent I wouldn't get any in at all
I would go out like another poster suggested
can yu really live like this? Scared of your dh?

GypsyMoth · 20/10/2010 10:08

you know,i cant quite believe that you two are actually looking for ways to minimise this behaviour!!

what the hell are you teaching your children by remaining in these 'relationships'?! its something they will copy in adult years themselves if modelled and ALLOWED to continue!!

if either of you have boys,then i hope to god neither of my daughters ends up married to one of them! get out ,there is help available,you both know there is

why are you still there???
these men do NOT love or respect you. so why are you both flogging dead horses?

Lauriefairycake · 20/10/2010 10:13

You should all LEAVE these relationships.

Kicking and punching the dog Shock

FFS ! - give the dog to someone who treats it better

and then leave before he starts on you and the kids

cestlavielife · 20/10/2010 10:14

who says you " have to supply food and cook it for them" ?

his party, he provides the food and cooks it.

you - take off somewhere else. leave them to it. they adults they can take care of themselves and their food and drink.

and any damage - THEY clear up and mend it.

GypsyMoth · 20/10/2010 10:18

i despair of women who are willing to put up with this crap....we live in a society where help is readily available to get out of these situations.....yet women choose to stay and try to change these men. its actually child abuse in alot of cases.

stop worrying about the cleaning up/cooking food and gather up your self respect and get out!

bitter voice of experience speaking

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 20/10/2010 10:21

OP Please re-read your post and the messages from respondents. And Bethan too.

How did you both get into relationships like this, where misogyny, violence to people and defenceless animals and verbal abuse, were bargained away? How do you square violence and criminal damage with "love" and being a "good Dad"? How on earth do your DCs react when they see their home, their mother and in Bethan's case, their beloved pet, being trashed like this, by their father and his cronies? What are you teaching these children about relationships and decent human behaviour, by tacitly permitting this cruelty in their homes?

The language I want to pick up on from the OP is the two references to "having to" do things. You say you "have to supply food and cook it for them" and you "have to" supply Guinness.

What would happen, then, if you didn't do these things?

perfumedlife · 20/10/2010 10:22

Your life is not good OP, there is nothing good atall about the way this man treats you, or his family.

SallyMc54 · 20/10/2010 10:30

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

Rentaghoste · 20/10/2010 10:56

Can they not go a pub with a big screen for the match - they can order all the Guinness and bacon sarnies they want then - and pay for them too!

Being of Irish descent, I'm ashamed at their behavior.

Monty100 · 20/10/2010 16:12

I don't know why so 'big' is being made of these people being Irish. What like, you don't get anything similar from another country??

I think so.

NicknameTaken · 20/10/2010 16:34

I'm Irish. None of my male family members would behave like this. Don't get sidetracked by the Irishness thing.

The main issue is that you should not have to live with the threat of violence. You cannot cure a man of violence. It's no way to live. Have a chat with Women's Aid (can be done anonymously) to get a clear idea of what your options are.

As for the other stuff, it shows a fundamental lack of respect. There are things that could be done to negotiate around it (as other posts suggest - go out for the day or ban the family coming around) but if you are in a relationship where there is an ongoing threat of violence, there is no room for any real negotiation - the violent person holds the trump card.

susiedaisy · 20/10/2010 16:40

I am not Irish but every country has a reputation surrounding it created by other people and the irish have a reputation of havin big families and liking guinness, its probably aload crap for the main part, but i think thats why the Irish thing has been mentioned, but like other posters say its happens all over the UK, and in fact domestic violence increases considerably when big footy matches are on,