Advice from those in happy longterm relationship

[peeweewee]

What are your top tips about getting yourself into a loving, longterm relationship?

I'm not sure about 'getting yourself into' a loving relationship...but for me personally it was not about having a check list for what I wanted or didn't want.

It was about having self respect and not putting up with rubbish (but I didn't even know I was doing that) and just meeting someone I really, really liked.

Most importantly of all my dh and I have the same values in life - not the same interests necessarily, but the same life view, the same moral viewpoints etc.

We've been together 17 years (is that longterm?!).

Why by the way?

Be happy and independent first
don't expect your partner to complete you
be complete already and your partner be a bonus to your life

I'm still single and although I've been dating a guy I like for about 3 months, I get myself stressed about not hearing from him for 4 - 5 days in a row...I wonder if I'm too needy and what I'm not understanding about relationships ie what is normal and what isn't (I know that's a minefield in itself). Or if it's just that I'm being a fool and he's not particularly fussed or if I should just chill out. Or what I keep doing wrong {sad}

I wonder (and am slightly envious sometimes if I'm honest) how people can find themselves in longterm relationships (many of which are actually healthy!). Advice from people who've been there is always good .

Try to be aware that you have expectations of your partner, and they don't know what they are unless you communicate with them.

Don't settle for less than what you want. If you do not feel that this guy is as interested as you are, perhaps it's time for the 'chat'. Do you know what he wants? Have you discussed whether you are an 'item' yet? Some might say this could scare him off, but I think that after 3 months it would be reasonable to have a chat with him about what is going on. And if it does scare him off, then he isn't the right guy for you anyway. Don't waste your time worrying over someone who doesn't feel the same way as you, or doesn't want the same things. Perhaps this guy does feel the same way as you, but don't be afraid to ask the question.

high expectations. of yourself and of him. sweat the small stuff, but be kind. have sex.

I never worried about scaring them.

As far as I'm copncerned, I don't want to be with anyone that easily scared!

I always let boyfriends know fairly early on that I wanted my future to include marriage and kids. Not with them, necessarily.

DH and I have been together for nine years, and are very happy. Agree with having shared values rather than interests.

A few years back a book was published called - I believe - 'The Rules'. As far as I could tell, it instructed you to always seem busy, appear interesting, and pretend not to be too available.

It struck me that if you put all that energy into having an interesting, fun life (which would in fact lead to you being busy, interesting and less available) you could achieve everything they claimed in the book and have fun at the same time.

Someone once said to me, or I read somewhere "Time is the currency of love". Spend time together. DH and I have been together 13 years.

Realise that he is human too, and has human failings.

Accept the small stuff if you love the big stuff.

Live a long way from his mother!

so there are fun, interesting, open minded sexy men who will commit?? this is where i get stuck...one of these criterion is always missing....

Maybe you are trying too hard and that comes across as being really 'needy' which puts men off. Agree with bigchris and others - have lots of interests, be happy, be busy - no one person can give you everything in life. I read a quote somewhere along the lines that 'you have to love yourself before anyone else can love you'.

Agree Ragwort, know, understand and love yourself first

I think the hardest thing is to be yourself - but if you can that really helps, because you can decide if you are getting what you need from your partner.

I second BikeRunScream and would add... live a long way from his mother... and sister!

Seriously, all the advice here is good.

Don't forget to have fun, laugh a lot and be kind to each other.

And I've just realised how simplistic that sounds! Like it's that easy, hahaha! I was just thinking about my current realtionship with dh, and my previous one, where without realising it, I lost myself completely into it/him. Crappy.

I only ever want to be with someone who wants to be with me

After a relationship from hell and three years of singledom I decided that I wanted a kind, caring man who was proud to be with me and treated me like a princess. (I can remember talking to my friend over dinner about it!). Miraculously, he turned up the following week!

Get clear on what's important to you and don't settle for crumbs (like I had previously done). There are lots of lovely chaps out there and one will come along shortly I promise.

All we've done so far is laugh (lots!), have fun and have sex. We have a great time together. But inbetween times he's busy and doesn't contact me...we've had a talk - he's not long out of a longterm relationship and wants some space, but likes me a lot and also is concerned about offering more than he can deliver at the mo and so hurting my feelings....we see each other about once a week. And after two days I get itchy and start to wonder why I haven't heard from him. OMG I sound so pathetic!! ouch :(

DP and I have been together about a year and a half so not long and in that time have had one big argument (entirely my fault, poor DP) but otherwise every day has been wonderful. I hate to say it but I think it is just the right person, there are no tricks to it - I was anti relationships until I met him and became wildly obsessed we got together (he flew me to Italy for one night as a grand romantic gesture to convince me I could get involved).

Best things - we appreciate each other, tell each other how much love there is many times a day, and he makes me laugh more than anyone. Most of all he looks after me, has faith in me when I don't, is thoughtful and selfless and I try to be half as good to him.

Such a cliche but things come along when you aaren't looking.

Oh and communication. And sex. I am constantly shocked by some threads on here where it appears that people just don't know their DP that well and can't talk to them.

Stop waiting for him. You don't want to start a relationship like this. You are his PRIZE and he is fucking lucky to have you. Don't be so available. Treat him like a fuckbuddy, if he likes it, you'll know that's all it is and then it's up to you if that's what you want. If he doesn't, maybe things will move on.

I think it is impossible to not invest some hopes/feelings in a situation like this. But there is that very dodgy grey area where you may need more than he can give, or not . See, impossible!

Sorry, am no use whatsoever!

I totally agree with others who say that you have to be happy in yourself before a relationship can really work. If you're constantly questioning how the other person feels and if you're good enough etc then it'll put too much pressure on the relationship and make it difficult. Also if you're unsure of yourself it's more likely that you'll end up with someone who'll take advantage of your insecurities and treat you badly.

The situation with your guy is tough and unsettling but he's been pretty honest with you so I think you need to accept for the moment that he wants to take things slowly. If another couple of months pass and things are still not clearer then you have to consider whether you're getting enough out of the relationship for it to be worth continuing. Remember there's nothing wrong with just enjoying the other person with no pressure for it to lead anywhere.

I would also agree with others when they say you need to be totally yourself. If your long term goal is to marry someone then they need to know the real you. Otherwise if you do continue to see them long term it'll become a huge strain to keep up the facade of who you're trying to be, and you'll start losing your true self in the process.

Oooh I'd love him to provide some grand gesture to convince me to give him a chance...we had arranged to meet up tomorrow night so I texted him telling him I needed my "day before" confirmation - an ongoing saga as he tends to be so chilled out he leaves things to the last minute - NO RESPONSE!

humph. now what?!

Oh god, get rid!

I had to fight my husband off at the beginning. It was the running joke. Every time he left he wanted to know when he could see me. I loved every second of it, bless him!

Sense of humour.
Trust and honesty.
Same moral values and expectations.
Good communication.
Freedom to be yourself.