When you fall in love with someone else.......

[itspuzzling]

Any advice/experience much appreciated - I have so many questions and would appreciate any answers:
Wht do you do when you fall in love with someone other than your dh? I don't just mean fancying, or having sexual feelings about, I mean feeling like someone other than your dh absolutely gets you? Someone who you've known for quite a while in a friendly capacity and who you've spent time with (in a friendly capacity) and you just cannot deny your feelings?

But - to make things more complicated - what if your dh is the man who you GREW to love, who wasn't ever somebody who absolutely made your heart leap, but someone who, if I'm absolutely honest, was safe and loving and always there? And, your feelings for this other guy just highlights the lack of 'spark' between you?

What if you always been able to appreciate this, because, actually, your'e a very down to earth, practical person, BUT are finding it hard to deal with all of the other feelings? Also, being a very down to earth person, you don't necessarily for one minute, think that life will be happy ever after with the other person (because life just isn't like that) and actually, is not quite sure that you would want to jump into any other relationship and is starting to feel that actually, you should be alone, rather than staying in the relationship with dh? What should you do if you know that you look upon dh as a co-parent/friend, but someone who you struggle to be intimate with?

Okay - all of the above is me, obviously. I have written it like this, because these are just some of the questions floating around my head and tearing me apart. I am in my mid thirties, me and dh have been together 11 years and we have one dc aged 9. My dh is a wonderful person, we have had ups and downs (like so many couples) and I have always known that it wasn't love at first sight. As I've said, I do not think for one minute, that my feelings for the other person will lead to a happy ending. I also know that I can take steps to hopefully eradicate these feelings, and can choose to focus on dh. I guess what I'm asking is that if I have feelings like this for someone else, is it healthy/fair to stay with dh? Doesn't it just highlight the nature of our relationship? Am I living a lie? Please help.

No thank god and I know that puts a whole different perspective on things and makes them far more complicated.

Sorry had to dash off and catch a train! The problem is, the more you try and force yourself not to think about the person, the more you end up thinking about very little else.

I tried to be mature and put other people first. My husband and I went to relate. I tried staying away from the OM.

In the end, it wasn't fair on my husband to be living with a woman who loved someone else.

I think the only way I could have stayed away was if we had moved completely out of the area and never had contact with the OM again. In fact in one of my more traumatised moments I did suggest we move to Scotland!

And I would have regretted it for the rest of my life.

Sorry, this isn't much help as every person is different and you do need to be able to live with yourself after making your decision. Try not to do what I did, which was to allow the whole indecisive business to continue for eight painful months.

I always told my husband the truth because that is what he asked, but it hurt him and it hurt me to hurt him.

Sorry, not regretted moving to Scotland, I'm sure it's lovely there.

If I had cut off all contact with the man I am married to today I would have regretted it.

Wow, Merrywidow, I'm moved by your post, I love your honesty and it shows that it's not silly to follow your heart and it's certainly not immature!

lol at Scarlet, Scotland is lovely, but not when you're lovelorn

I think this is an important thread, it really is about the big issues of life, about love, loyalty, children, honouring one's self. Not easy, but the real issues rarely are.

Hope you're ok op.

Late30s, it seems theres a few of us around. A friend of mine once said, when we were in our twenties, there was no such thing as true love. I never believed her

itspuzzling - I did use to hope that me and H would somehow find a away, despite his difficult behaviour, but deep down I did know that I wanted to be with OM and I could never shake that. I used to think I would stick it out until DS turns 18 ( he's only 4 now!) OM has told me since we have been together that he was going to have to try and 'let me go', in his mind as he was becoming very distressed by the frustration of not being able to be with me. Then fate took a turn anyway. Its weird for me because my H died so suddenly, I was going to divorce him a couple of months before and then withdrew the proceedings. I am glad that I actually had withdrawn given the outcome.

xkitty thank you for your story. You are right, the crippling thing is realising there will be pain either way.

scarletwomanofthevillage I know this is a hard question to answer, but, if things had NOT worked out with the man you fell in love with, do you think you would have regretted leaving your husband? Was just the FACT that you loved someone else enough to put an end to your marriage, regardless what would have happened afterwards?

I am desperately trying to separate my feelings for dh and our marriage with my feelings for this other man. My mind is so blurry, but what is clear is that these feelings for the OM have been there for about 2 and a half years. For many, many months I denied it to myself but if I'm honest they were always there.

In terms of my relationship with dh - over the years we have had ups and downs; in discussion with dh, possibly more downs for me than him. I have always been acutely aware that he seems to love me more than I love him. There have been key times in our relationship when I have had serious doubts, for eg, although we eventually married, when he first asked me I didn't want to. Don't ask me why - it was just a 'feeling' I had.
When we moved house a couple of years ago to our 'dream' house, it didn't feel quite right, it felt like I was playing a part ifyswim. Our sex life has always been up and down. We have never had sex alot (apart from in the first few months) and dh has always accepted this, but now I look back and think WHY? Why would a woman in her twenties and thirties have such a low sex drive? Why is it only that when I've had a drink, I want to have sex with him? (and actually, he is a very good looking bloke!)

I know to a large extent dh is in a very difficult situation - he doesn't want to be horrible as he would worry that he would distance us even more. But, the fact that he is so understanding hasn't actually helped.

However, despite all of these negative aspects, I am savvy enough to know that there are SO many good qualities within him - he absolutely loves me, wants whats best for me, believes in me, fantastic father and so on. I have always felt safe with him, always.

But doesn't he deserve more?

Hi, itspuzzling - to answer your question-

The reason it took me a long time to come to my decision is that I felt it important not simply to leave my husband for the OM.

I wanted to make sure I had tried everything. I wanted to be able to feel, for all our sakes, that I hadn't simply thrown everything away on a whim.

In the end I was leaving because, after trying to repair the damage, counselling etc, there was no hope for a fulfilling life within my marriage for either me or my husband.

In the end I would always have been the person in the wrong and that was not how I wanted to live.

I had to be sure that it was the right thing regardless of whether I ended up with the OM or not. In the end I would rather have been on my own than with my husband as I had begun to feel like a caged bird.

I had no guarantees the OM and I would end up together.

Also, the longer my unhappiness and the situation went on, the less of a mother I was being to my beloved daughters. Since allowing myself to be happy, I have been a much better mother. This has also been made possible because their father and I have together made it our priority to be the best parents we can.

OP, I don't really have anything to add or to advise, but I just wanted to say that you have almost summed up my current predicament to a T. Married with head rather than heart, found excitement with OM (married with kids also)... and in a bit of a tizz.

I had cut off contact with him for a couple of weeks, and as other posters have said, it really does work - I had stopped thinking about him. I am absolutely not in love with this guy, so that helps. But now he is back with his flirtatious messages and god am I sorely tempted.

Yes, I am probably having a midlife crisis. Yes, there are problems in my marriage which are not going to be helped by this distraction. Yes, I have spoken to DH about his behaviour towards me, to no avail.

I would say that any OM, no matter how much you may feel you are in love with him, can only be a distraction - the important thing is to sort out the marriage one way or another. Then look for love.

I just read through my post and felt the need to add that nothing has happened with this chap. We've hugged once, I believe, before things took a turn for the textual

It is very hard smeaky isn't it.

Scarletwomanofthe village - I understand exactly what are saying. I need to be able to say 100% that its not because of the OM.

Don't get me wrong- I think these feelings have emphasised my lack of real love for my dh. That sounds awful - I do care about him and love him as a friend, but not as i think I should do.

The more I think about it, the more I could not see myself with OM if dh and I split. I'm not just saying that - even though we have very strong feelings for each other, it would be fraught with difficulties and I think for my insansity (and for my ds) I would need to be on my own for many months.

The OM actually has gone out of his way to advise me not to make any rash decisions and knows my dh is fabulous. He too is very down to earth and does not 'promise' me anything - he knows that would be unfair and also knows me well enough to know I would need to be on my own. Therefore, it isn't as though I feel I should leave to 'go to him' ifyswim.

The parenting aspect also troubles me - I do wonder how my sadness does affect ds. Also the 'caged' feeling you describe is familiar. This is ironic because dh has always encouraged my independence and freedom, but, when you feel you are somewhere that isn't 'right', you feel trapped don't you?