When you fall in love with someone else.......

[itspuzzling]

Any advice/experience much appreciated - I have so many questions and would appreciate any answers:
Wht do you do when you fall in love with someone other than your dh? I don't just mean fancying, or having sexual feelings about, I mean feeling like someone other than your dh absolutely gets you? Someone who you've known for quite a while in a friendly capacity and who you've spent time with (in a friendly capacity) and you just cannot deny your feelings?

But - to make things more complicated - what if your dh is the man who you GREW to love, who wasn't ever somebody who absolutely made your heart leap, but someone who, if I'm absolutely honest, was safe and loving and always there? And, your feelings for this other guy just highlights the lack of 'spark' between you?

What if you always been able to appreciate this, because, actually, your'e a very down to earth, practical person, BUT are finding it hard to deal with all of the other feelings? Also, being a very down to earth person, you don't necessarily for one minute, think that life will be happy ever after with the other person (because life just isn't like that) and actually, is not quite sure that you would want to jump into any other relationship and is starting to feel that actually, you should be alone, rather than staying in the relationship with dh? What should you do if you know that you look upon dh as a co-parent/friend, but someone who you struggle to be intimate with?

Okay - all of the above is me, obviously. I have written it like this, because these are just some of the questions floating around my head and tearing me apart. I am in my mid thirties, me and dh have been together 11 years and we have one dc aged 9. My dh is a wonderful person, we have had ups and downs (like so many couples) and I have always known that it wasn't love at first sight. As I've said, I do not think for one minute, that my feelings for the other person will lead to a happy ending. I also know that I can take steps to hopefully eradicate these feelings, and can choose to focus on dh. I guess what I'm asking is that if I have feelings like this for someone else, is it healthy/fair to stay with dh? Doesn't it just highlight the nature of our relationship? Am I living a lie? Please help.

Also, what you said about being emotionally hard - I had built a 'wall' around my emotions, contained them so that I could function within the difficult relationship I had with H( 15 years ). However OM broke through this whenever I spoke to him, we understood each other from the very beginning and I could be myself.

Was your relatinship with dh abusive? Dh is very caring and considerate, so I have nothing 'bad' in that respect. Its just that, over the years (and I'm not sure when it happened) I haven't always been 'me' with him. Don't ask me why, so I think to a large extent I do put a lot of 'control' on my emotions (or have, up until now when everything has gone haywire.)

Severed armbow was very sensitive and sensible. My own thoughts are that the reality of making your children unhappy for your own happiness isn't going to make you happy. Even if it really is love with the other man, and not butterflies, even if it is real. You are in a very sad situation. And even if it is real love, feelings do subside when you are apart. They are liveable with when you are apart. I think I'm talking to someone who knows all this anyway. Take care.

Crossed threads itspuzzling. Yes, OM said he would look after me if I left ( my H was controlling and scary ) however I never felt this was the right way. Its a bit weird, but I felt that someday I would be with him. My H did know about OM and not long before he died (he had cancer we didn't know about which had spread evrywhere and was only picked up less than two weeks before he died )we had an enormous row and I told him I didn't know how long I was going to be able to put up with his shouting/control and I would rather be with OM. After H died I read an entry in his diary, prior to him becoming sick, which said 'Merrywidow histerics- OM will look after children'. My H never knew he was ill, his diary entry is almost prophetic as during the row I hadn't even mentioned the DCs

I also thought of/ even tried to leave H to be alone. I wasn't scared of being alone

thank you virgin - but - does that mean that I stay with dh knowing that the feelinds arent quite right. You are right - there are rarely happy endings - and what might be happy for one person is certainly not for another. Because I am quite down to earth (honestly) I don't envisage the happy ending. But I feel almost deceitful to dh knowing that I'm capable of feelings like this for someone else. There is also the issue of intimacy - I feel like I'm sleeping with my brother/friend rather than my dh.

merrywidow - your story is pretty amazing, again, I'm so happy that things turned out well for youx

Interestingly, my H had a OW, it was his previous wife. In amongst his things I found photos of a holiday they took together in 2004 ( there are NO secrets after you die). I rang her after he died to tell her. I feel no animosity toward her at all - I only wish my H had been reasonable as several years ago I told him he should go back to her.

The lady who used to look after my DD passed away and at her funeral I found out that the man I always thought was her husband and their two DDs were in fact not. She had been married to another man who was wickedly abusive and had left her entire family including her own DCs and started a new life with widowed OM taking on his DDs as her own. I used to think it was weird when she said I should have a son, boys were wonderful. As far as I knew she had only ever had girls.

Well of course i would be deeply upset, sad and befeft if he left me. But not crushed. I was devastated by a break up many years ago. The man in question and I didn't have an affair, but he left his family very shortly after he met me. I ignored him for about a year, and hoped it would go away, but the feeling didnt, and he didn't. We got togethere, but honestly, it was a total nightmare. The baggage and guilt and recriminations, the pressure on us to make it work, to justify the pain. I feel sick even remembering it.

After we called an end to the madness, I was chatting to a really nice man and his wife on holiday and he gave me what i consider the best advice I ever had. He said woman make the mistake of giving their all, loving with every fibre of their being, 100%, and what happens is, there is no room for mystery, no space for private thoughts and feelings, and no reserves for if and when things go bad. He was basically saying, give 95% of yourself, never 100%. And the man wont lose interest so much either.

I agree. I love my dh, my child and my life. But I have experienced a lot of trauma and loss, and survived, so I know I would not go to peices if he left. DH says its that which makes him love me all the more. Elesiveness maybe?

Whenever I get a bit down, or introspective, I remember the moment the midwife handed me my son, and i said to dh, 'thankyou for my son" and I felt such gratitude and love for him, that here was this man who was prepared to start all over with me, after his dreadful first marriage. He took a chance, and he was a proper man, who took life and responsibilities seriously. The other guy? He was the mills and boon, he wasnt dealing with reality.

Its a tough one op, because I wouldnt advise you to stay if you were deeply unhappy. But are you deeply unhappy?

Elusiveness even, sorry

perfumed life, we must have been separated at birth! I very much agree with the 95% thing and am open about this with dh. He has always given me his all, but I have always held back, just a little. I think its called self-preservation. I have a great need to know that I can be emotionally and financially independent if needs be - thats something thats crucial to my life.

Am I deeply unhappy? Thats arguable. I feel very tense and stressed deep down and my home life with dh feels very 'false'. I feel acutely sad about this situation, that I am failing dh and dc and should 'pull myself together'. I feel frightened that dh would become bitter if things continued to get worse because we are both two reasonable people. I know that life apart in many ways would be so difficult, yet, its something that does not escape my mind. I also feel very tearful, which is so unlike me. Its like all the emotions are coming out.

I don't know. I would, but I'm not you You love him, and you love your children, and he is a good man, and some sorts of happiness are as "good" as others. One source which I think is tremendously underrated is the happiness that comes from doing the right thing by people, and being able to carry yourself with dignity and peace. But that just sounds so ridiculous when one is in such turmoil, I'm sure.

If it was me, I'm not sure I would talk to my husband about it, but I don't know if that is the right thing for a relationship. You do sound so torn that you need a sort of catharsis, and if you don't talk about it in a measured way with him soon, something much more damaging could happen, and it could all explode out in quite a catastrophic way.

Hi virgin

I have talked about it to some extent but can't bring myself to admnit about my feelings. I just don't think it would help.

However, he does know about our friendship and has commented about how we get on so well.

Ultimately though, he says he does understand that my feelings for him are not the same as his feelings for me, and that we just have to see what happens. I suppose in my warped mind, I imagine how I would feel if he was saying to me what I've said to him. I don't feel I would want to stay in the relationship, but at the moment he obviously does.

Itspuzzling,

you dh sounds alot like how i reacted towards the end of my relationship with h (I am not saying that your relationship is at its end just that i recognise his behaviour )i loved him with all my heart and i was willing to do anything to keep us together. in our case he did go off and have the affair but it was not with a long term friend it was with someone he had just met. i was left confused and reeling as there was no reason for him to have done this our life was good and we got on really really well.

i suppose what i am trying to say is that there is nothing wrong with him expressing his love in a different way to you. i have come to learn that in every relationship someone often does a little more giving than taking in various stages. we can't all expected to be sensible and stable throughout a long marriage and invariably the other one picks up the slack. if you can find your way back to your equilibrium you may find things feel natural again as your h won't have to be putting in the extra effort.

my h saw my struggle and i think he thought it meant i loved him more than he loved me and he concluded that he could not love me as he should. this is very sad, we had a good life, 2 great kids and he left because he thought that as he was not reciprocating the effort i was putting in it meant that he should be with someone else.

i would echo what other posters have said and try and take some time out for you. your life sounds extremely busy, you need to take some time out to listen to your true thoughts. only then when you can listen to your gut instincts can you make an informed decision.

can you go away for a weekend, your h does not need to know the true reason (telling him might make him panic and make things worse)

hth

Thank you severed armbow, that gives me lots of food for thought. I do feel that I am not reciprocating what dh gives me (I think, deep down, I have always felt like this, even before these other feelings).

I do desperately need some time out, dh would be willing to give me this. Certainly if we didn't have children I would not hesitate in staying at a friends for a while, but obviously cannot/will not do this because of ds.

I might be able to have some time next week, but it scares me to kind of have to confront this iykwim.

You sound very understanding of your dh's decisions/actions, and I applaud your for that. Can I just ask - do you think the disequilibrium in your feelings was always there, or was it something that came about later, or, because of his affair?

i think it was always there in the background but was magnified towards the end ifyswim. i fought too hard for us i think (if that is possible) and it made him see the imbalance and that made him question his position in the marriage.

Severed Armbow - do you think that had you or he realised this sooner, that it could have been solved?

My scenario does sound so similiar to yours. We have often talked about how he has 'given' so much and whether there is an imbalance. And, like you, it has become magnified. Its funny, because a very good friend of ours (male) knows the situation and agrees that dh is almost too understanding and nice which is making the imbalance even greater.

This all sounds so crazy doesn't it?

we went to relate and the lady we went to see said that the more i tried to fix us the more h pulled away. she told me to act as though everything was fine and to try to go back to my centre ifyswim. but by the time we were at relate he had closed down to the relationship, so by then it was too late. he fed my insecurities and the more insecure i was, the more i tried to save what we had (by being the perfect wife and being very very understanding of his behaviour) - basically i became a walk over.

i think my h had switched off way before we got to that point and he just carried on letting me try to save us but in reality towards the end it was me who was doing all of the work.

your situation does not sound crazy at all, i had a pattern of behaviour, i was constantly doing all the work to keep my family together, h got lazy, and in the end he found the person i had turned into very unattractive and he left to be with ow.

if you recognise the pattern of behaviour try and change it before it becomes too ingrained. does your dh bend over backwards for you?

Have changed my name for obvious reasons for this post...

I went through something very similar 12 years ago and it was the most painful year of my life. It also came after the death of my beloved grandmother who was almost like a mother to me.

In the end the other man and me, who had resisted each other for the good of all, who hadn't slept together or any of that, could bear it no longer and felt we had to be together.

We were both married and we told our spouses what was going on.

Eight months of hell followed during which I changed my mind and begged my (decent but by this time more like a friend and brother than a lover) husband to let me stay. He did.

Tried so hard to repair our marriage but I had destroyed it. once I loved someone else I couldn't be attracted to my husband anymore.

The other man and I ended up together, having no real idea whether it would work or not.

Luckily, it did and we have been together very happily now for 12 years.

Having said that, I wouldn't wish what you are going through on anyone. The guilt is a killer isn't it?

Trouble is, what we look for in a husband when we're young and wanting to produce children is quite different from what we look for in a man when we're older and have different needs....

I think that's very true scarletwoman, we change, our needs and desires change. It's hard, you only get one life.

have sent you a pm OP.

Scarletwomanofthevillage, I know what you mean about it being so bloody painful. I have cried more in the last few weeks than I have in the last 10 years. I am glad your story turned out well.

It is crippling when it hits you that things aren't right. I know some posters might think I am selfish, etc, but ultimately, I am finding it difficult to 'pretend'.

perfumed life - have mailed you x

It did turn out well and we are still mad about each other.

Luckily we are on friendly terms with my ex who was and is a reasonable person who loved me and didn't want me to be so unhappy.

At the time I truly didn't believe I deserved either of these men being so good to me and so understanding

Wow scarlet that is an agonising story.

itspuzzling I am another practical coper who disastrously fell for a MM after 20+ years of marriage. He intends to stay with his DW and DC and I have no contact with him now but I took a long hard look at my life and after much counselling am now living apart from XH and DC.

Life is too short to spend it living in an emotional vacuum. I was treating my XH badly and couldn't make it better. I have no idea what the future holds but I feel better for being honest and getting my self respect back.

Too soon to say what the outcome will be. Whatever happens it is painful and hurts people you care about.

underhanded comment by expat

I've also been through the agony of falling in love with someone else. I did leave to be with them and it was the best thing I have ever done but it was also the most painful. I thought the guilt would kill me. I'm very lucky in that I've got the most wonderful soon to be DH who would give me the world if he could, and an ex-DP who is now a good friend (and we make better friends to each other than we did partners). But to this day I can't revisit the break-up time period without feeling sick. And it took over a year to stop crying about it.
This situation sucks because, as I am sure you are all to aware, OP, you realise that there's going to be a lot of pain whatever decision is taken.

were there kids envolved xkittyx?